My Side of The Story.

[Researcher]

     The following story happened a while back but I decided to post it due to some interest, namely Euforia.

      I've mentioned before that I was engaged to a filipina. Everything was great until the K1 visa was approved but there were some red flags up to that point. Now that I look back the trouble seemed to start around the time my fiance found out how much money I made. Money never was an issue until then. Suddenly she began asking for an "allowance" of $100 per week. I was saving up for our wedding so I explained that to her and declined the idea. She wasn't too happy with it but she seemed to get over it. It wasn't long after that she started asking for money to buy clothes and other things with. Not just any clothes, she wanted name brand stuff. Again, I explained that we needed to save for our wedding and starting a life here in the US. She accepted that but didn't like it.
       Things went OK for a little while after that. She lived with her mother and sister and they seemed to get along well financially. One day my fiance  asked if there was some way we could help her mother start a small business. Her mother was getting older and probably couldn't work much longer. I don't have a problem with helping anyone but I felt that since we had the visa pending, a wedding to plan, and other things, this issue would be better decided on after we were married. I told my fiance just that. I asked how much it would cost to get her started and my fiance said around $6000. Her sister was going to help as well. My fiance seemed OK with everything until after the visa was approved. I had just bought the plane ticket when she told me that she needed the money for her Mom's business as well as money to buy the clothes and jewelry she wanted before or she wouldn't come to the US.
        Well, there I was. I had all this time, money and effort "invested" in this process and I was served an ultimatum like that.I never thought I would end up in such a situation. One theory I had was that my finance's mother and sister were behind it, telling her everything to say and do. So, I decided to go for a visit. Once there I could see that she had changed or was letting me see who she really was. We had met when she was younger and it was pretty obvious that she had changed alot since then. So I returned home and decided to end it. When I returned she asked if I was going to send her the money and I said no. She kept trying to convince me to send it and I kept saying no. The date for the visa to expire was getting close and she finally told me that she wanted to come over and we would worry about the money later. I told her to stay in the Philippines, it was over.
        That was like a cold glass of water in her face. She apologized and tried to resolve everything but it was too late. I would never trust her again. I warned her several times that I wouldn't tolerate this sort of thing but she paid me no attention. She obviously thought that once the visa was approved and her plane ticket was bought I would do anything to complete the process. I have to say that I did think long and hard about everything but in the end I made the right decision. A woman that would pull a stunt like that is not someone you want in your life. That's why I say never take kicking 'em to the curb off the table.

     Researcher   
             

[fathertime]

Clearly you did the right thing.  If a woman gives a man an unreasonable ultimatum like that, she is asking for that cold water in the face!  Woman sometimes don't seem to understand that they are very easily replaced and can't pull that type of BS.  Although a certain % of men would have went right along with what she wanted and who knows what would have came after relenting!

Fathertime!

[beginthebeguin]

yeah, ultimatums are the relationship killer. I was given an ultimatum once 28 years ago and being the rather stupid fool that I was. It took me that long to resolve it. 

[Pivery]

A very eye-opening story for the everyone to be aware of Researcher. Pretty scary situation you had
and it looks like you dodged a bullet and lived to learn from it and relay this story for all to read.

Thanks for sharing what happened,

Pivery

[Traveler]

I am impressed with your wisdom and will.  Clearly you loved the woman, and her treating you this way has hurt you.  And you have invested a great deal of effort, time and money into making the relationship work up to that point and into the visa process.

But you have saved a lot more time and money - and a lot more heartache - by ending it when you did.

[euforia51]

    The following story happened a while back but I decided to post it due to some interest, namely Euforia.

Wow ... you posted that for me, Researcher? Thanks man! And this is an awesome example that should help shed some light on things to look for when going through this whole process. I hate the thought of anyone going as far as you did only to find out she was only looking for a cash cow. A few questions:

Did you have any idea that any of this was coming before she started asking for an allowance? (How rude, by the way ... I'd be on the fence with dumping her right then and there).
Were there any other tell tale signs that maybe you did not see then but you can see now if you think about it?
Was it after this that you decided to look in Colombia?

Thanks again for posting this, Researcher!

[Researcher]

      Euforia, I really think she wasn't planning it from the start. It seemed when she found out how much money I made is when the red flags started.There's a point in the visa process where you include tax returns and I think she and her mother and sister saw that and did the math. I learned early on to try and keep that info out of the relationship. My wife didn't want to know what I made but she is also smart enough to understand what standard of living means. When I did tell her she said "well, it doesn't mean anything because I don't know what it costs to live in the US." It didn't dawn on her until she came here and got a job.

       After that incident I did decide to return to Colombia. Not so much because I felt bad toward filipinas. I wanted to be able to visit often.Colombia is so much closer for me than the Philippines. The Philippines is a very beautiful place with many, many good women. Had I lived on the west coast of the US I probably would have returned to the Philippines. But I felt that being able to visit often or if some crap came up would be an advantage.


           Researcher

[CalifSur]

Great story Researcher. Sounds like you really dodged a bullet!

[AndyLee]

Researcher, thank you for being so candid and open with this story. It must have been a painful and frustrating experience for you as well as expensive. 
I always appreciate your level headed and thought provoking postings.
I was going to ask you about another post you made recently in which you used the word "messiness" to describe ending a relationship. At some point I hope you can expand on that theme, too. It seems these girls fall in love so quickly and ending these relationships is indeed "messy".
Thanks,
Andy

[utopiacowboy]

I'm very impressed, Researcher. Very impressed.

[raycjs]

Researcher,
great story and way to stick with your gut feeling in the end it all turned out for the better......



Ray

[CeeTeeEnn]

My word... if there was such a thing as a "Purple Heart" medal awarded to those of us who suffered pain in the name of dating foreign women, you'd surely be up for one, Researcher. You did the right thing for sure; it's just a awful pity you didn't kick her into the kerb sooner.

I honestly think your story reminds us all of how lucky we truly are when we're chatting with, reading the emails of, or talking to some of the ladies that have taken our interest, wherever they may come from, only to be confronted with the perennial "my mom is sick" or the "I need money for rent or else i'm out on the street" routine. Those are the easy cases to deal with! It's the "sleepers", like the one you were engaged to, who are the real nightmares and there's plenty of anecdotal evidence to suggest there's no shortage of them in SE Asia, or Latin America or the FSU states. I guess the only crumb of comfort you can take away is the thought you blew her cover before you married her, and not after, when kicking her into the kerb could have been an order of magnitude more expensive.

Thank you for reminding us all of the importance of keeping an eye on the early warning lights, especially when money is concerned; something that appears, to my eyes at least, especially important when dealing with Filipinas.

[Gato4Astrid]

Researcher, you did the right thing, and I am glad that you did not go ahead and marry her!

[Jeff S]

You did the right thing, and it must have been hard. This is the edge of the double edged sword that many guys don't think about, when they go to any 3rd world country. Yes, you appear more attractive, but a big part of that attraction is what you can do for them. There are plenty of good women all over as well, but it's just another dimension you have to be aware of. Some fall for the peer pressure, some are strong enough to rise above it. This accentuates the necessity to spend as much time as possible with your future Mrs.

[mudd]

Now that I look back the trouble seemed to start around the time my fiance found out how much money I made. Money never was an issue until then. Suddenly she began asking for an "allowance" of $100 per week. I was saving up for our wedding so I explained that to her and declined the idea. She wasn't too happy with it but she seemed to get over it.

i have seen similar stories like this with Asians, Colombians and Russians. goes back to the girls personality, upbringing and way of thinking, not the country she is from. Once the money questions  and demands start, they  never end and your the gravy train in their eyes.

its a very good life story for the new guys on here to read and learn from.

thanks researcher for posting it

[thekfc]

i have seen similar stories like this with Asians, Colombians and Russians. goes back to the girls personality, upbringing and way of thinking, not the country she is from. Once the money questions  and demands start, they  never end and your the gravy train in their eyes.

its a very good life story for the new guys on here to read and learn from.

[euforia51]

...
Now that I look back the trouble seemed to start around the time my fiance found out how much money I made. Money never was an issue until then. Suddenly she began asking for an "allowance" of $100 per week. I was saving up for our wedding so I explained that to her and declined the idea. She wasn't too happy with it but she seemed to get over it. It wasn't long after that she started asking for money to buy clothes and other things with. Not just any clothes, she wanted name brand stuff. Again, I explained that we needed to save for our wedding and starting a life here in the US. She accepted that but didn't like it.
...

Thinking about this a little more, my alarm would have been going off at the first point in bold (and it seems you've acknowledged that it was). And the dump truck alarm would be her asking for the name brand clothes. And this is where I would need to seriously determine whether or not I was being played. And granted it wouldn't be easy. You want to give people the benefit of the doubt (at first). But an allowance? Name brand clothes? For what ... because we're engaged? How did you survive without me?

Researcher, I don't remember you saying so ... but did this girl work?

[Researcher]

        Euforia,  no she didn't work. She lived with her mother and older sister who did work and they seemed to be making it just fine.Her father died when she was 10 so there was no man of the house.

     Thanks guys and you are right it wasn't easy. "Kicking 'em to the curb" becomes more difficult the longer you are involved with them but sometimes you just have to make a choice. I have been married before so I knew I didn't want a woman that would do things like that in my life.


       Researcher

[Researcher]

...... there's more. After I decided it was over I ended our relationship and told her the reasons why. First, I explained that I didn't want to be with a woman that didn't respect my opinion. By not accepting what I had decided about sending her money she showed me that she would not listen to me and respect what I wanted. Second, by waiting until the visa went through and after I had bought the plane tickets to give me an ultimatum  like that she showed me that I couldn't trust her to always do the right thing. I told her that I didn't want a woman like that as my wife.She said she understood and accepted it. It was over, or so I thought.
          Once I got back up on the horse and started going to Colombia, my ex fiance kept emailing me. First to say hello and then asking me to take her back. I explained to her again that it was over and that I would not be answering her emails. She kept on for a while but it doesn't take much to delete email. Soon she stopped.
           Time passed and I met and married my wife. The visa process went long but she was approved and she came to the US. I had started a facebook account months before because, well, everybody had one. I set it up but hardly used it. My wife's brother set one up for her before she left as a way to sort of keep in touch.One day my wife gets a message from my ex fiance telling her to tell me that she still loved me. Of course it bothered my wife but she knew about my ex fiance. I explained to my wife that nothing was going on with me and psycho-woman and I didn't want anything to do with her. I'm glad there was an ocean between me and psycho-woman. She probably could have caused me some real problems. I found that my wife's facebook account wasn't set to private, so I corrected that.
        I sent the ex one last email. In it I explained that if, for some reason, I ever became single again I would not even consider giving her a call. I told her she was wasting her time.

    I haven't heard from her again.


      Researcher

[AndyLee]

hehehe, I know what you mean about the Facebook thing.....before I smartened up and deleted my Facebook account I had a road raged ex girlfriend go postal and attacked everyone on my Facebook page, calling them whores and me a whoremonger, she even lambasted my sister and my female cousin......yep, i had some 'splainin' to do
researcher, I know you've thought this through a thousand times and you've come to peace with it, thanks for sharing.....my one thought is answered in your last post when you said the girl wasn't working...but, if she wanted to please you when she arrived in the US she would want the best clothes she could....and, if she had been working and providing support to her mother then she would want some way to replace that support, i.e. a business for her mother....but, when you point out she wasn't working I can imagine the mother would have been happy to get rid of her and not have to feed her anymore.....
all kinds of thoughts can go through your head when you are ending a relationship, congratulations on handling this one well and coming up with a much better deal in Colombia.

[mudd]

what surprises me is that a lot of guys will see the red flags, but they have so much time, money and emotions invested in the relationship that the cant end it, even though, they  know, its not going to be  a healthy relationship at best. My best friend, who had a Hugh fight with his fiancee 3 weeks before his wedding date, and i mean, a nasty fight. i saw  the text messages back and forth and i told him " you really want to marry this girl are you crazy? " " but like most, he has so much already invested that it was just too hard for him to stop it. So he married her and in  less than a year,they  split up and are getting divorced.

the worst part, she made up a lot of stories and lies and tried to get his family and friends against him and to take her side, it  wasn't  pretty.

at least Researcher was smart enough to end it before it got worse.

[Zon]

Kuddos to you for sharing.

I guess I got the rose colored glasses knocked off my face too.  Plus, I saw many events play out in front of my own eyes to get religion - or to be a tough grader rather than a push over. 

All too often, AM assume that the white knight thing will change the day.  It does not. Actually, it is a different environment; a different culture.  Until each of us learn this for ourselves, there is a big element of chance in foreign dating.

[Traveler]

I agree regarding the emotional investment issue.  Women with ulterior tendencies almost never start to exhibit them from the start. They sorta build up, and when the woman thinks she has the guy has invested too much into the relationship, then she starts to show her true colors.

I am very impressed with Researcher for his strong will and wisdom.  It is easy to see red flags when you are an objective bystander.  To recognize them when they come from a woman you love, from a woman into whom you have invested emotionally, and have the will power to end it, and to stick to your decision - well, that takes a MAN.

[euforia51]

...
First, I explained that I didn't want to be with a woman that didn't respect my opinion. By not accepting what I had decided about sending her money she showed me that she would not listen to me and respect what I wanted. Second, by waiting until the visa went through and after I had bought the plane tickets to give me an ultimatum  like that she showed me that I couldn't trust her to always do the right thing. I told her that I didn't want a woman like that as my wife.

what surprises me is that a lot of guys will see the red flags, but they have so much time, money and emotions invested in the relationship that the cant end it, even though, they  know, its not going to be  a healthy relationship at best.

Women with ulterior tendencies almost never start to exhibit them from the start. They sorta build up, and when the woman thinks she has the guy has invested too much into the relationship, then she starts to show her true colors.

Lots of wisdom in these quotes, alone. Just wanted to round them up and post them (again).

[Researcher]

there is a big element of chance in foreign dating.

      That says it all right there.


      Researcher