So, how DO you choose the right one?

[Veracity]

Guys,

I've started a few threads here looking for info on age, Americanization, etc...... The purpose of all of them was to look for your opinions regarding choosing the right woman.

We're probably all in agreement that AW are wrong for us. That's why we're here. For those of us who got married to an AW, we've learned that the hard way. We got tricked.....we bought the whole act that they put on before marriage. They put on a show.....great sex, thin bodies, sweet attitudes, and agreeable personalities. Then after the wedding, the truth comes out.

Years ago, if you had told me that my AW was going to get fat, turn cold sexually, and become a bitch, I would have told you "Oh no, not her. She's different." Well, she wasn't.

Lately, as I've been getting ready to start my search for love overseas(waiting for my divorce to be final), I've been worried about the idea of getting married again. I want only one woman in my life....I want to be a fantastic husband to a fantastic wife....but how do you choose? Because I'll tell you, everyone thought that my AW was perfect. Good looking, sweet, sensitive, etc......and she went as bad as bad can get.

Guys here warn people about women who are too young, potential scammers, green card sharks, etc....and I'm grateful for it. But I got hoodwinked big time by my AW. So, who knows who's sincere and who's not?

As we all know, life does not offer guarantees, I just don't know how any of you/us can choose wisely. They're all sweet before you marry them, aren't they?!

It's not hard to tell that by this post (and others I've written) I'm feeling very uneasy about whatever comes next. I come here for info and support.

Thank you.

[Jedironin]

Man, I'm right there with ya. I think that's the "million dollar question" you have there. After one or two really bad experiences, how do you trust someone? Especially when they're on the other side of the planet and you see the reports of scammers and lady-boys? 

It's a toughie.

[Capstone]

The best advice that I can give is don't rush into anything and once you do meet someone who you think that you are compatible with then take a number of trips to visit her before deciding to file for a visa.

[tessbrittain]

Your marriage  just  didn't work period. Don't use the word she's not a perfect wife. No one is perfect in this world.

Goodluck,

Tess

[Ray]

How do you choose?

Veeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeery carefully!

Please don’t assume that we are all here because we all dislike American women. That is not why I am here and if that’s your sole reason for seeking a foreign wife, then I see problems in your future.

You ask some good questions, but I get the distinct feeling that you are not yet ready for this. Make some contacts, get to know some foreign ladies, but forget about marriage and choosing the right one for the time being. Just make some friends, learn about some foreign cultures, maybe study a foreign language, and seriously consider a vacation to a foreign country or two.

When you do happen across the right woman, you will know it. There is no way we can tell you which one is right for you. That you will need to figure out for yourself.

You seem to be open to learning, so that’s a good sign.

Ray

[Ray]

Kumusta Tess?

Nasaan ang tabing dagat sa inyong larawan? Coronado??

Maraming salamat!

Ray

[Veracity]

Please don’t assume that we are all here because we all dislike American women. That is not why I am here and if that’s your sole reason for seeking a foreign wife, then I see problems in your future.

I'm smart enough to know that, for decades now, American society/culture no longer matches my view of marriage. The vast majority of the women produced by this culture do not view marriage as I do. Are there exceptions? Absolutely. Should I waste my time searching for those exceptions to the rule? Absolutely not. Unless you're a scientist doing very specific research, we all live our lives by what is generally true....by playing the odds.
You ask some good questions, but I get the distinct feeling that you are not yet ready for this. Make some contacts, get to know some foreign ladies, but forget about marriage and choosing the right one for the time being. Just make some friends, learn about some foreign cultures, maybe study a foreign language, and seriously consider a vacation to a foreign country or two.
I have been fortunate enough to have traveled the world. 28 countries to date. The only country in Asia that I've visited so far is China...and I can speak Mandarin at a beginner's level. My first choice for my search was China, but different things I've read are causing me to lean towards the PI. Am I ready for this? Yikes, who knows? I want to love someone...I want to be loved...I have always been fond of Asian women....
When you do happen across the right woman, you will know it. There is no way we can tell you which one is right for you. That you will need to figure out for yourself.
Ok, that's cool.
You seem to be open to learning, so that’s a good sign.
Always!

Ray

[tessbrittain]

Hi Ray,

The picture was taken in So. Beach, Miami.

Regards to the wife...

Hey Dave H,

I will be in Butuan 1st week of April. Hope to see you and the family :-)

Tess

[euforia51]

Veracity, I'm a newbie at this as well. I've been involved in my first foreign relationship now for nearly 6 months. I made my first trip to meet her over Christmas and it turned out great. But I will tell you I put alot of preparation into making this trip. So this is the first hurdle you might need to overcome. Are you commited to doing what it takes to make the first phase of your endeavor successful? At first, I know now looking back that I was not ready. And this is why I started preparing early on ... three months before I went to just meet her.

I also realize that if things continue to progress, I will be doing even more preparation and taking on more expense. And she will also need to be doing her share. So how do I know she is right for me? I don't yet. But I have a good indication that there is alot of potential based on our interaction via webcam for a long time and also in person. I am planning to make another visit to see her in April. If our comfort zones with each other are as good or better than our first meeting, then things will continue ... and so on.

Ray is right ... take your time with this regardless of how you may go about it. Some guys like to talk to many women before narrowing down their choices; other guys feel it is enough to meet just one and go from there. I fall into the latter. In my opinion, there is no right or wrong answer and it solely depends on your lifestyle and how you want to proceed.

I think your statement regarding the AWs being 'wrong' for us as one reason for being here is true. This is not to say we 'all' dislike AWs as was indicated later on. However, you should realize that any woman, regardless of where she is from, has the capacity to become undesirable if she is not treated right and also if you do not hold up your end of the deal in the relationship either. This is a pretty vague and simple statement. But I have faith the others will chime in and elaborate further. And this is one reason I like it here ... you will learn a lot if you pay attention.

Good luck!

[Jeff S]

Hi Tess - Good to hear from you. You guys get into OC frequently still or is everything up i the desert now?

I also didn't look outside the US because I disliked AW - Just spent a lot of time there, saw how different it was and the right situation presented itself.

The truth is you have to pick a foreign wife the same way you pick any woman for a relationship - only by spending enough time with her to ensure you and she see eye-to-eye on your relationship, how you're going to approach it, how you're going to resolve difficulties, and how you are going to communicate. That takes more than a week holding hands on the beach in an exotic land somewhere. It takes spending time in real world situations where the good, the bad and the ugly can come out. It really doesn't matter if she's from Cebu, Cali, Manhattan, St. Petersburg, Des Moines, or Accra Ghana.

[Researcher]

  Choosing the right one? That's the million dollar question.Here's my 2 cents worth:

  I have to agree that not rushing into anything is good advice.I think everyone has their own approach.After years of doing this I found that it was best to meet many women, date and have fun at first.There were always women that stood out from the rest and these are the ones I pursued.I looked for compatability and chemistry.Then I kept "weeding" them out.Sometimes the choice would be easy as only one would really stand out from the rest.When I met my wife I got to where I only thought about her, even when I was out with another woman.When that happened it was "game over".I knew I had to go after her.Things worked out pretty good.


   Researcher

[Researcher]

  As far as AWs....generally speaking they are so worried about themselves that they are lousy in relationships.When I was looking I still dated and considered marrying an AW.I mean,Just because I took my show on the road doesn't mean I still shouldn't play at home as well.hehehe..So, I considered AWs...they lost...it was no contest.They can't compete with foreign women.


  Researcher

[Veracity]

The truth is you have to pick a foreign wife the same way you pick any woman for a relationship - only by spending enough time with her to ensure you and she see eye-to-eye on your relationship, how you're going to approach it, how you're going to resolve difficulties, and how you are going to communicate. That takes more than a week holding hands on the beach in an exotic land somewhere. It takes spending time in real world situations where the good, the bad and the ugly can come out. It really doesn't matter if she's from Cebu, Cali, Manhattan, St. Petersburg, Des Moines, or Accra Ghana.

I agree with what you wrote........... Taking a trip with someone is always a good way to see who they are. A real trip....with traveling involved. Schedules, mild stresses, etc.

It's just that everyone is on their best behavior till they get married. I just hope that my experience so far will help me make a good choice.

[Ray]

It's just that everyone is on their best behavior till they get married.

Veracity,

You have mentioned before that you have concerns about making the right choice in a mate. But don’t forget that marriage is a two-way street and you should not fall into the trap of taking HER decision for granted. If your chosen mate isn’t making good choices in selecting YOU, then there is still a danger of future problems.

Both parties going out of their way to be on their best behavior during courting sounds like a good thing, BUT don’t try to be someone you aren’t in an attempt to convince her to choose you. It is very important to make her aware of who you really are, and that includes your ugly side, assuming that there is one.

Let her know about your significant character flaws or bad habits that have the potential to cause problems in your marriage before your relationship gets too deep. If you drink too much, have a bad temper, have an unhealthy interest in porn, like to spend money like a drunken sailor, or whatever fits, the time to come clean and discuss these things is BEFORE marriage so you BOTH can make the correct choice in a mate.

And if you feel that she is hiding some serious faults of her own, it’s better to slow down and make sure that both of you are being honest and open with each other before you make the ultimate commitment.

There should not be any huge surprises on either side after you are married and move in together.

Communication, communication, communication…!

Ray

[piglett]

Let her know about your significant character flaws or bad habits that have

like farting in church???

If you drink too much, have a bad temper, have an unhealthy interest in porn

please define UNhealthy

like to spend money like a drunken sailor

so if you work for the federal government she should really watch out



p i g 

[Jedironin]

like farting in church???

No, that's normal. 

 please define UNhealthy

Photoshopping your gf's face onto the other bodies?   

so if you work for the federal government she should really watch out

YES!   

p i g 

[robert angel]

Pretty much all the pitfalls guys here repeatedly cite as typically being found in AW's can be easily found in foreign countrie's women, especially after they come here, especially if they're quite young and especially if they weren't raised well enough to retain their values.

      Life in the USA has a way of changing people who move here, especially those from third world countries.

There's no substitute for time, time, time, in choosing the best person for you and by best, I certainly don't mean 'best looking'. I look at it more like two prescriptions that need to jibe, to work well together.

The underlying fundamentals have to be strong or all the superficial things will soon wash away, exposing the underlying structural weakness of your marriage.

"Be afraid, be VERY afraid"

[z_k_g]

....have an unhealthy interest in porn

Uncle Ray,

As a counter point is there such a thing as a "healthy" interest in porn?

Zulu

[Bob_S]

please define UNhealthy

Easy (and hopefully self obvious!)
1.  Anything illegal in your country, that of your spouse, or that of the country of the participants (i.e. under-age); 
2.  Anything with non-sentient species; 
3.  Anything involving more than one male (if your claim is that you're truly hetero and/or married, otherwise if you lean that way then nevermind);
4.  Anything involving body waste; 
And most importantly,
5.  Preferring to pleasure yourself to your porn over jumping your wife! 

[z_k_g]

Easy (and hopefully self obvious!)
1.  Anything illegal in your country, that of your spouse, or that of the country of the participants (i.e. under-age); 
2.  Anything with non-sentient species; 
3.  Anything involving more than one male (if your claim is that you're truly hetero and/or married, otherwise if you lean that way then nevermind);
4.  Anything involving body waste; 
And most importantly,
5.  Preferring to pleasure yourself to your porn over jumping your wife! 

LOL...

So Bob.....watching all other "porn", not on your list, is healthy? 

Zulu

[Ray]

Uncle Ray,

As a counter point is there such a thing as a "healthy" interest in porn?

Zulu

I don't know, why don't YOU tell us?   

[z_k_g]

I don't know, why don't YOU tell us?   

A point was made about "unhealthy" so what is "healthy"?  :-)

I think Bob did a good job of listing some porn that is "unhealthy", I agree with all he listed, but still what's the opposite?

What is "healthy" porn?

I'd like to see that list and compare!

Zulu

[Bob_S]

So Bob.....watching all other "porn", not on your list, is healthy? 

None of it is healthy IMHO, it's just varying degrees of unhealthy.
The unhealthy stuff is like cigarettes.  They have no redeeming health benefits whatsoever.  Using even a little has damaging effects.  It is purely a physical pleasure.  Whereas the milder erotica is more like alcohol or candy that has some benefits.  At their worst, they still have calories that your body will utilize as energy as long as you don't ingest vast quantities.  If it inspires you to go get frisky in a loving way with your missus, it has some healthy benefits (in moderate doses).  If you'd rather watch the porn than go get frisky with your missus, or if it makes you look at your wife in a disrespectful way (because it's that kind of porn), then it is unhealthy.
And there really is no fixed list.  Like alcohol, different guys react in different ways.  With booze or brews, some guys mellow out, and some guys turn into A-holes looking for a fight or insisting they can sing every song louder and better than what's on the jukebox.  Ya know?

[thekfc]

After eating a few of these you will know how to choose the right one 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OqG2JVYh0ps&feature=player_embedded

[z_k_g]

Ronin,

I'd like to touch on a few points that you made in your original post.  

First it takes two people to make a relationship, I won't spend a lot of time on that point because I think you can see where I'm going.  You have to be a good partner and hold up your side of the deal.  This has already been said more eloquently by Euforia and Ray so I won't harp on this point, but I repeat it because its critical to a healthy relationship.

Once you are in full grasp of this point and all its implications, then you are ready to find your "better half" as they say.  

Ironically, after all is said and done, your foreign bride ends up being just a person who you have to develop an interpersonal relationship with, no different than any other woman domestically, its just that simple.  The layers of complexity to actually reach that happy ending of marriage are significantly increased when you decide you want a foreign bride, a big difference!

Question is, Is she worth it?

I don't mean just money and time, these are the first two things that come to your mind.  But, think about it, there is something more significant that's hidden underneath this endeavor,  Is she really worth the RISK?

Really think about this just in terms of Risk. Emails, Internet chats, web cams, FedEx packages is this the way to conduct a relationship?  Wouldn't it be simple just to go to your neighborhood bar a pick up a hot chick and take your chances?  It sure is a hell of a lot easier.  Unfortunately, if you take the path of least risk, your reward may be paltry at best.  

As you have acknowledged, you may think your AmW is top shelf, but after a few years of marriage, you wake up, unhappy and unfulfilled. Not worth it and a waste of time!

So back to the web cams and yahoo chats and all of that Risk!  Is this the real person?  Is she a she?  Is she a short term or long term scammer?  Is she lying?  Is she too young/old?  Do these guys on P-L know what the f*ck they are talking about?  Is Ray just an old crusty opinionated as$hole or can I really take his advice?  Risk all over the place.

So what do I do?

My answer.  
1. Simplify your life and focus on your goal.  Learn everything you can about X country.  Websites, blogs, news, CIA Worldfactbook, P-L, learn everything you can, prepare yourself.

2. Make friends who share the same interest.  Meet men and women from X country,

3. Go visit and spend time on the ground in X country getting to know the people and experiencing the culture firsthand.

4. Make a decision that you WILL marry a woman from X country and dedicate your extra time and a significant portion of your quality time to this endeavor.

5. Explore many and choose one woman.  Take this whatever way you like, but Its important that you experience many different women and types of realtionships in your chosen country X.   I would suggest chatting with 3 to 4 women simultaneously and slowy narrow that down to 1.

6. Develop criteria for your choice (ask the right questions) and establish time frames.  

7. Establish a good relationship, communicate, create a strong interpersonal bond and share you common goals and relationship expectations.


If done properly, you should find a very good match in 2 to 3 months and in less than 48 months be snuggled with your sweetie next to you!

What about all that Risk that I was so concerned with earlier? or all the concern about scammers, green card queens, liars, etc?

If you proceed slowly and cautiously all those risk factors are diminished.  And when you actually visit X country you see firsthand what you've only read about, its much harder to maintain a lie when you are that close to the action.

Am I 100% sure of the above advice? Well no, nothing is guaranteed.  

Where did I get it from?  an amalgamation of posts, 95% from the P-L archives and stickmanbangkok.com, read it!
 
In my opinion, the recent incidents regarding scams is directly related to NOT DOING YOUR HOMEWORK and making purely emotional decisions.

This process is not easy, but, if you take the right steps, you can eat the elephant, one bite at a time!

Zulu