Changing habits or giving up hobbies/activities

[Jedironin]

I'm not bad at nailing two pieces of wood together, but I know I wouldn't be able to relax much on a boat I built!  

If you are good at refurbishing boats, though, just drag a trailer down along the coast of any large body of water these days. With the low economy, there have been a lot of people just cutting their boats loose and letting them wash ashore.  

[fathertime]

well jm...the issue is not the boat...it is that she is trampling somthing  you really care about.  i'd consider giving her a good talking to about this....you should not sell the boat because of pressure you receiving from her...maybe you are one of those guys who likes to be told what to do, if that is the case then you have chosen well...if not, then start speaking up for yuourself.

fathertime!

[Jeff S]

I'm not bad at nailing two pieces of wood together, but I know I wouldn't be able to relax much on a boat I built!  

If you are good at refurbishing boats, though, just drag a trailer down along the coast of any large body of water these days. With the low economy, there have been a lot of people just cutting their boats loose and letting them wash ashore.  

Hey anyone can build a boat. I can attest to that. I'd rather have a homebuilt than something someone cut loose and let it bounce around on the shore for a while.

[Dave H]

Dave,

Why didn’t I think of that?

That’s a great term “inter-island hoping”, as in hoping the damn thing don’t sink between islands. LOL!

What’s a “Donzi”? If that’s short for “Doña Paz” then I don’t think you’ll ever get your wife on board!   

Ray

Hey Ray,

Pun intended!  I can't sleep on an overnight ferry either! My wife is not a big fan of pumpboats either! Especially going across the Surigao Strait with all of the sharks trailing close behind waiting for someone to fall off orfor  the pumpboat to sink!

Dave

I didn't go quite this fast... 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aGTL8WTrCVo

[jm21-2]

Well, maybe I haven't explained very clearly, but her main concern is the budget, not the boat. She's actually expressed some interest in at least trying out boating now and then, but wants to do it on a boat that doesn't require moorage. The problem is that a boat without moorage is not going to be one she likes to be on (trailerable boats are for the most part very small inside). She'd allow me about $6-8k (depending on how much I sold my boat for) to buy a trailerable boat with. An old trailerable sailboat goes for about $2-3k and an old small trailerable powerboat with cuddy goes for about $5-7k. The trailerable boats that would actually be comfortable for her and she would enjoy being out on would be in the $10-20k range though.

I think there is an expectation in Taiwan that when you grow up, and especially when you get married, you give up the "fun stuff" and put all your efforts towards saving money for potential children and retirement. From everything I've seen and read, Taiwanese people for the most part have zero hobbies and take extremely short, cheap vacations. As far as I can tell they are about the cheapest people on the planet. Even more-so than Chinese. So I can understand why she would think $200+/month for a boat (average salary where she grew up is about $1,000 per month) seems ridiculous and incomprehensible.

I guess my impression is that yes, she expects me to make some sacrifices for the good of the budget, but she is more than willing to make sacrifices herself as well. She'd give up her dreams of international travel indefinitely for example. She also knows that eating out here is expensive so she's been learning how to cook. Before she moved back to Taiwan she had cooked maybe 4 times in her life, but has been spending many hours a day watching cooking shows and learning from her mom since she got back. She's now making baozi from scratch and all sorts of stuff. Another example is we were looking at cars on Craigslist together and she kept on insisting that if she's going to have a car she wants one cheaper than what I suggested. Her only request as far as weddings go was that we have a nice honeymoon (no rings, no ceremony necessary), and even then she wants to cheap out. I was planning on about $3,000 for a trip to Hawaii or a cruise in the Caribbean, but she scavenged around and latched onto a dirt cheap cruise from California to the Sea of Cortez that would cost less than $1,500 total (people are so scared of Mexico that they're practically giving the things away). So it's not like she expects me to sacrifice everything while she goes out clothes shopping in her Mercedes. She's just extremely cheap.

CeeTeeEnn and Euforia,

You raise some good points but especially with Asian women finding those qualities is not such an easy thing. Chinese/Taiwanese women in particular seem to be absolute budget hawks. And they expect their husband to provide for their family, especially if they are moving to a new country where their opportunities for employment are typically more limited. I think if you want a woman who appreciates a dangerous hobby, a wild lifestyle, or a hobby/lifestyle which introduces him to a lot of girls, it's probably easier to find in a western girl. Filipinas may be a bit different, but there seem to be a lot of Filipinas who are themselves big spenders after they get over here. I'd rather give up a hobby to save $200 a month than have my wife spend $200/month on shoes or something along those lines.

I also think a lot of those military wives tend to have a bit different attitude before their husband dies or goes MIA than afterwards. The behavior of military spouses while their spouse is deployed is somewhat legendarily bad. There's a ton of cheating and divorcing that goes on.

[Woody]

The behavior of military spouses while their spouse is deployed is somewhat legendarily bad. There's a ton of cheating and divorcing that goes on.

Yes, but that knows no racial or ethnic bounds. The vast majority of serviceman(Army) marry within their peer group, not a whole lot of foreign spouses(less than 10% in my experience, but huge in comparison to the civilian population).

[Jeff S]

Hey Ray,

Pun intended!  I can't sleep on an overnight ferry either! My wife is not a big fan of pumpboats either! Especially going across the Surigao Strait with all of the sharks trailing close behind waiting for someone to fall off orfor  the pumpboat to sink!

Dave

I didn't go quite this fast... 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aGTL8WTrCVo

Looks like fun! Let's see, with 700s they burn about 60 gph each, so 120 gallons/hour at about $4.50 these days around here. That's about a grand from here to Catalina and back, with a little time playing around. I'd think you could charter a Lear jet for that.

Yeah jm, better she's really frugal than one of those who understands how to spend much better than how to earn. Like all things you just need to strike a balance.

Maybe you could get her to paddle you around while you fish:

[ignorante]

Chinese/Taiwanese women in particular seem to be absolute budget hawks.

  My limited experience married to an AW tends to indicate that they spend 1.2 dollars for every dollar brought into the household, which made things very strange as the salary increased and increased but the situation went from good to bad to worse, oh, and guess whose fault it was according to the stay-at-home-oh-I-really-will-sacrifice-to-stay-at-home-and-promise-to-stop-charging AW?

[euforia51]

So boat ownership has repeatedly been a source of arguments between my fiance and I. It started out as an annoying and incomprehensible hobby to her.

Man, I don't want to stir up anything but the quote above is the opening volley of your post. So the question is how did we get from that to this?

Well, maybe I haven't explained very clearly, but her main concern is the budget, not the boat. She's actually expressed some interest in at least trying out boating now and then, but wants to do it on a boat that doesn't require moorage.

If the issue all along really stemmed from budget concerns, would we be here looking at pictures of dump trucks and giving pointers on how to develop a titanium backbone?

[Ray]

…yes, she expects me to make some sacrifices for the good of the budget, but she is more than willing to make sacrifices herself as well.

OK then, ask her if she is willing to give up rice and switch permanently to potatoes. I pay around $.10/lb for potatoes and rice runs about $.50 - $1.00/lb. Just think of all the money she could save over the rest of her lifetime! Maybe that will shut her up about the boat expense(?)… 

Taiwanese people for the most part have zero hobbies and take extremely short, cheap vacations. As far as I can tell they are about the cheapest people on the planet. Even more-so than Chinese.

That’s weird! And here I always thought Taiwanese were Chinese…

Ray

[jm21-2]

Euforia,

This is from my first post: "[she said] Get rid of the current boat and get a cheap boat with no moorage and low maintenance (yeah, that's common) if absolutely necessary." Her concern is all about moorage costs (which are relatively high...$2,100-2,400/year to moor a boat worth $4-5k). The problem is that a cheap boat that can fit on a trailer is small enough where she won't want to go out on it, especially for a 9+ day trip.

Ray,

She actually doesn't eat hardly any rice. She prefers noodles, but would probably be OK with potatoes. I figure ramen's pretty cheap...

Taiwan had a lot of aboriginal people. The big influx of Chinese was when Chang Kai Shek fled there after Mao took over. Now they're mostly mixed with a fairly strong Japanese influence as well (from the Japanese occupation). While they are Chinese in a lot of ways, both genetically and culturally, they're a bit different as well. My fiance absolutely hates Chinese tourists, for example, because they're so loud and obnoxious in her opinion. Taiwanese language is a bit different as well (when she was growing up, she spoke Taiwanese at home and Mandarin at school). It's hard for me to tell the difference but she insists it's a big one. As I get to know the culture a bit better, it seems like there's a lot more Japanese influence than I originally thought there would be.

[Jeff S]

Yes - definitely a big difference in manners from Taiwan and China. Must be the Japanese influence.

[Capstone]

Taiwanese language is a bit different as well (when she was growing up, she spoke Taiwanese at home and Mandarin at school). It's hard for me to tell the difference but she insists it's a big one.

Taiwanese (Hokkien) is a Min Nan dialect which is much different from Putonghua (Mandarin) - it is incomprehensible to most mainland Chinese. My wife speaks Xiamanese or Amoy which is almost identical to Taiwanese - she explains that they are both Min Nan dialect, so all the words are the same but that the accent is a bit different (somewhat like comparing how English is spoken here in the Northern US versus the Southern US). To me, Mandarin sounds a bit more course than Min Nan dialect.

While in China, my wife speaks Mandarin at work and with her parents and also while speaking with someone randomly on the street. She speaks Min Nan while talking with most of her friends from Xiamen or Taiwan and then speaks in another local dialect from her Mom's hometown while talking with her brothers and cousins.

I was at a wedding banquet in China and while sitting at the same table there were 4 different conversations taking place in 4 different dialects. Most of the people at the table could only understand 1 or 2 of the conversations. 

[Howard]

Sorry to hop in so late here, but work has been crazy the last few months and my internet time as been sparse

My two cents is...  If it's a hobby - something you do to kill time when you have nothing else to do - then it's worth considering her point.  If it's a passion - something you do that is such a part of your life that you wouldn't be you without it - it's more difficult.

My wife married a professional musician.  Sure, I make most of my money in the print and advertising industry, but I have been and always will be a professional musician.  Playing guitar is not a hobby for me, it's what keeps me sane.  I have very little choice in the matter.  I just don't feel whole without it.

My wife likes sappy, adult contemporary love songs and popular ballady music.  I like Pantera and have always played in guitar oriented modern rock/heavy metal bands.  She does not like most of the music I listen to, but she does tolerate my band(s)

When we play a gig she gets all her pals and their husbands to come to the club, she cooks and brings food for all the bands on the bill and does everything in her power to make our gigs fun for everyone.  She has fun doing it.  I gotta tell ya, I have been in some highly respected, popular bands throughout my career.  Since she became my "cruise director" for gigs, bands literally fight to get on a bill with us   I don't think anyone claps louder or longer than my wife does when we play.  She may not love the style of music we play, but she knows we're good at what we do and she is proud of us. 

I’ll never forget the first gig she went to.  She about had a heart attack when she saw how many people showed up to the club we were playing.  When she heard the crowd reaction she was blown away.  Now she is far more popular than I am at the clubs we play.  I may make the club owner money, but she feeds them lumpia   LOL  What can I say, I like lumpia better than me too   LOL

I guess the moral of the story is that my music and my need to create and perform music is not something she signed on for, but because it is important to me she made the best of it and  - like everything else in my life – made it better!  By my own decision I spend less money on equipment than I used to.  I don’t buy every new 2000.00 boutique tube amp I come across anymore.  I even consolidated and sold stuff I was rarely using anymore when we hit some really rough times two years ago, but those were/are my decisions.  Not once has she asked what my live rig is worth – probably 5000.00 with guitars included.  Not once has she asked what I have tied up in my recording studio – 10,000.00 easy with pro mics, preamps, computer, software, monitors, etc…  Yes, I have cut back on my music budget.  I gig less than I did before, but these are by my choice.  I don’t know how I would feel if she were suggesting I did these things and I’m not sure it wouldn’t be an issue if I hadn’t willfully curtailed them without pressure to do so.  I just know that I love her a little more because she threw herself right into the mix because it was something I am passionate about.

Hope this helps 

Keep the Faith!

H

[robert angel]

Howard,

That's a great post! While you don't post in quantity, you more than make up for it in quality.

Your wife is not only beautiful on the outside, but obviously is on the inside as well. She seems remarkable, but yet she has some of the best characteristics of Filipinas and more than being a great wife, sounds like a real 'partner'' in your life.

I bet she knew well before you married, that not only was your passion to play music something that was there to stay, but that Air Supply and The Carpenters weren't high up on YOUR playlist!

[Howard]

LOL

I did compromise in the music department in a major way

Before Gerlie I never followed Pop music more than I had to

Since she is so good about my metal, I allowed her to get me addicted to American Idol   LOL

H

[piglett]

Hey Ray,

Pun intended!   I can't sleep on an overnight ferry either! My wife is not a big fan of pumpboats either! Especially going across the Surigao Strait with all of the sharks trailing close behind waiting for someone to fall off orfor  the pumpboat to sink!

Dave

I didn't go quite this fast...    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aGTL8WTrCVo

wow my father inlaw could drag his nets really fast with that thing

pig

[piglett]

She'd allow me about $6-8k (depending on how much I sold my boat for) to buy a trailerable boat with.

HOLD ON STOP THE PRESSES STOP THE PRESSES ! ! !
I'm sorry did you say "allow you" ??
is this woman going to be your wife or your mom ?
do you like to be lead ?
on the morning after my wedding i reached into my suitcase & pulled out a pair of my pants. I laid them on the bed & asked my new wife who will wear these? she looked at me not exactly understanding the question
i then said "Who will wear the pants in our family?"
she said "oh you will" & i responded "are you sure?" she then said "yes"
my wife expect me to lead & i expect for her to give me her input.
however when the rubber meets the road the final decision is mine.
& as long as things turn out well I look good
if they don't turn out so well ...........i better keep the # to the local flower shop handy

pig
  

[Jedironin]

Here Piglett- keep this in mind when you run to the flower shop at 2 am! 

http://comedians.jokes.com/henry-cho/videos/henry-cho---flowers

[thekfc]

on the morning after my wedding i reached into my suitcase & pulled out a pair of my pants. I laid them on the bed & asked my new wife who will wear these? she looked at me not exactly understanding the question
i then said "Who will wear the pants in our family?"
she said "oh you will" & i responded "are you sure?" she then said "yes"

Maybe she though that your pants was too damn big & it wouldn't fit her. 

[piglett]

Maybe she though that your pants was too damn big & it wouldn't fit her. 

yup that must have be the problem

pig

[whitey]

Howard, Gerlie sounds like a rare and wonderful woman - congratulations.

My favourite band is of course Captain and Tennille ... who doesn't love Muskrat Love?  Are ya with me, fellas?

[CeeTeeEnn]

I must salute you, Howard. You are indeed a lucky man in having a wonderful wife and also having been able to compromise on what would be, to many like-minded guys, a very touchy subject. I take my hat off to you and your lady.

I must admit I couldn't share my life with someone who had (at best) a polite appreciation of rock or classical music but had a thing going for American Idol, no matter how much support she seemed to show for my music. That would be like a vegan marrying a butcher or an Evangelist with an Atheist; i'd be happier alone.

I discovered long ago that Asian women and rock don't mix well, and although rock chic latinas do exist they're usually found far from the gringo trail. Indeed, the one part of the world where rock music is well-appreciated and where the women are also interested in meeting us Westerners is - shock horror - the FSU! A notorious no-go area for many P-L members

But then again, all this doens't bother me much. I'm not a typical 40+ Westerner looking to settle down with a foreign wife into a typical family lifestyle. I'd be far happier with a young girl who just wants to stage dive and go to festivals than raise chilren and cook for me. I guess to many P-L members such a woman would be a total nightmare, but then again variety is the spice of life - even here on P-L

[jm21-2]

I've known a lot of Asian women who manage the family budget. Maybe it's less common with Filipinas? I think Jeff mentioned his wife manages the budget and gives him a certain amount of money to spend on toys. I don't know whether it's more of a Japanese thing or a Chinese thing or both.

My fiance would probably control the budget when she got here. Doesn't really bother me. She's about a hundred times more frugal than me and will go to fairly extreme lengths to get a good deal. And if my impulse buys and fine foods/alcohol budget was reined in it would probably save enough a month to support her.

[Bob_S]

on the morning after my wedding i reached into my suitcase & pulled out a pair of my pants. I laid them on the bed & asked my new wife who will wear these? she looked at me not exactly understanding the question
i then said "Who will wear the pants in our family?"
she said "oh you will" & i responded "are you sure?" she then said "yes"

But does she understand the cultural linguistic metaphor for that?  Maybe she thought you wanted to get into kinky cross-dressing games.    Now she's wondering what kind of perv she's married to.  "Guess what, mom!  He offered me to wear his trousers!  I don't know why, but I'm going to keep close track of my underwear when I get to America."