This is second story I wanted to share.
We’ll call this one “Lady and the Control Freakâ€
My knowledge of this situation isn’t nearly as intimate as it is with the Thirteenth Disciple, but I do know what I have been seem with my own eyes, what I have been told and I believe this to be true. Some of these things just can’t be “made upâ€.
A few years ago I was contacted by a PL member offline for help with Immigration Forms. As usual, I did my best to answer questions and refer him to the right people on the ones I wasn’t sure about. He contacted me because he felt I was approachable, but mainly because we live in the same area.
Personally, I had thought that Gerlie and I would help with his wife’s transition once she got here as well, but once she did, he disappeared as so many do. No big deal. I understand, I have disappeared more than once in my time on PL. You get wrapped up in your lady and the internet just doesn’t hold the allure it once did. I used the internet to find the love of my life. Once I did, my surfing is limited to local news and downloading music, so I get it.
About a year after his fiancé got here, he began to post again briefly. One of the topics he brought up is something that all of us here has or will struggle with. He asked if others were having trouble meeting couples with similar values, likes, dislike, etc… You know, not the War Brides who rarely do anything with their spouses, regular couples who enjoy each other’s company and do things as couples. I totally get that. My wife and I have accumulated several couples similar to us over the last six years. Middle Class, blue collar types in their thirties and forties. Some of the wives are a tad younger, but that’s our basic age group. I thought he was looking for a group that would positively reinforce the idea of equality and friendship in their International marriages, so I was like “Hey… here’s my wife’s email. Have your wife get in touch and we can get together.â€
Within 24 hours Gerlie got an email and they were yakking away on the phone together. After a few hours she got off the phone and found me to tell me about her new friend, Anne. (Name changed to protect the innocent) She was a little older than I expected, in her early thirties. Her husband John (Same as above) was a few years younger than me, so that meant their age gap was minimal. I thought to myself, good for him! He’s thinking straight.
Gerlie went on about how cool Anne was. Smart, funny, good head on her shoulders… I guess she came from a family of means, was well educated and some kind of professional in the Philippines. Here she was a stay at home mother. They didn’t waste ANY time starting a family. Barely married a year and they already had their first, a son. He is a Public Service Professional, what type I won’t divulge. He made plenty of money and wanted her to concentrate on raising kids. Very cool, I wish I was in the same situation. So does Gerlie, TRUST me
Gerlie asked if it was okay that she invited John and Anne to a party we were having that weekend. My reply was the same as always, “The more, the merrier!†I love barbecues in the summer! Ask any one of our pals, me and Gerlie know how to throw a party
Gerlie and Anne spoke a few more times on the phone in the days leading up to the party and on the day of John called me to get directions from his place to mine. The party was starting to swing, when my wife came out back to tell me they were there. I came inside, met John in person for the first time, his wife Anne and their baby boy. She was very nice, pretty, great English, etc… So I told him that I was getting ready to grill some stuff and asked if he wanted to have a beer out back with the guys. He politely declined, because he wasn’t able to stay at the party. He had something planned with his family for that day, but Anne wanted to go to our house so badly that he agreed to drop her off, go to his family thing and pick her up later. I was a little disappointed, but it’s not uncommon for the ladies to come without their husbands. If hubby’s working or whatever, they will still come to hang with the other Filipinas. So yeah, I was a little disappointed, but no red flags appeared.
I was in and out of the house a lot, like any party. When I was in and the baby would cry, Anne would immediately rush to shush him and apologize to me. My response was, “Babies are babies, that’s what they do. No harm ïŠâ€. Anne was an attentive mother and the baby was damn cute. I’d mess with him a little when he was awake, but mostly he ate and slept. Ahhhhhhh… to be two months old again
According to Gerlie, I must have made quite an impression on Anne with my easy going nature. She didn’t talk to me a lot, but Anne must have told her a half dozen times, “You’re lucky. Your husband is so cool! You guys have such nice friends. You’re so lucky.â€
A few hours later I noticed Anne and the baby were gone. I asked Gerlie where they went. She replied that John had picked them up ten minutes ago and they left. I was like “Oh… John was here? Why didn’t he come back and say Hi?†Gerlie said she didn’t know, “He came and they went†Again I was a little disappointed, but no big deal
As the summer progressed we had more parties. After a few I asked my wife if she had been inviting John and Anne. She said that she had, but Anne always had an excuse and she was getting tired of always being the one to call her. Basically, I assumed that John just didn’t think we were what he was looking for. He lives in a swankier neighborhood than I do, so I just figured maybe he wasn’t into mingling with the working man. I didn’t talk to him enough to piss him off
LOL
In the fall, out of the blue a car pulls in our driveway. It’s Anne and her parents. Now this was a common occurrence for a period of eighteen months. Gerlie would get a phone call and twenty minutes later someone would end up in our driveway looking for a meal. There was this driving instructor, Mang Tirso, that taught all of the Filinpinas how to drive. He would come to your house, take your wife and car and take them driving. During the trip he would almost always stop by a former student’s house in the area for a bite to eat and some socializing. He was super cool and it was always a pleasure to see him. Nice guy! Very funny. So his new pupil was Anne’s father, who was visiting Anne and staying with her, John and the kids.
They must have come by three or four times over a three week period. Mang Tirso LOVES Gerlie’s pancit and adobo, so he’s really happy to take clients in our area
I figured, well that’s cool at least now Anne will be coming around occasionally, even if John doesn’t seem interested. WRONG! We saw her those three or four times, during which Gerlie and Anne rekindled their phone relationship and then it was back to the norm. Gerlie would invite Anne and say that she didn’t need to bring John if he wasn’t into it, but always Anne would have an excuse. Once again, Anne faded as quickly as she appeared. At this point we were positive there was some bias against us and just wrote them off.
Almost two years later, Gerlie comes home from shopping and says “You’ll NEVER guess who I ran into at TJ Maxx!†I guessed wrong until I got irritated with the process and gave up, “WHO then?â€
“Anne!†she replied. “…and boy do I have gossip for you!â€
One of the guilty pleasures Gerlie and I enjoy is gossip. Both of us are the type of people that people seem comfortable with and want to confide in. I guess we have established a track record of being helpful and trustworthy. We NEVER share gossip with anyone but each other and Gerlie is just as good at keeping a secret as I am, maybe better! It’s just harmless, confidential husband and wife stuff and we do enjoy sharing dirt with each other, but it never goes beyond that. It’s the Filipino in us, we love good gossip
It turns out that Anne is now living in a shelter. Her and John had had issues from almost the beginning, but she got pregnant so fast that her concern was for her sons – they had had a second barely a year after the first – not for herself. She was trying to make it work for the kids, but it just got so bizarre that she had to split. Gerlie asked her why she hadn’t called for help or at least to talk and Anne simply replied, “That stuff is between a wife and husband, you know… and I was ashamedâ€.
“Ashamed of what?†Gerlie asked
“Ashamed that my marriage was the way it was, ashamed of the way I treated you when you were just trying to be a friendâ€.
“Well, if you would have told me what was going on, I would have tried to help you. At least I would have understood what was going on.â€
“I know… I was just SO ashamedâ€
Then she spilled the beans on what had been going on in her marriage. It seems John is a momma’s boy. No harm there, I’m a momma’s boy, many of us are. I guess John takes it to extreme though. When she first got here John’s mother gave her a book of John’s favorite recipes. That’s sweet. Nothing alarming there, right? Anne was to cook for John exclusively from this cookbook. Okay, getting weirder. So Anne takes a crack at one of the recipes, but it doesn’t turn out exactly like his mother made it. Does he appreciate the effort? Does he eat it anyway without comment? Does he offer helpful tips to make it better next time? Nope, he clears the plate directly in the trash and goes to McDonalds for dinner. NO WAY! If I did that, that would mark the exact second my wife would stop cooking for me. This was not a onetime occurrence either, he did it several times until she finally “got it rightâ€. That’s unbelievable on its own, but yes… there’s more.
Anne was a stay-at-home mother. She was dependent on John for everything. I guess he provided for her in a tolerable fashion, but when it came to personal items – feminine things – and things that he deemed unnecessary, she had to pay for it on her own out of the more than generous $50.00 a month allowance her gave her. Not $50.00 a week, $50.00 a MONTH. When she said it wasn’t enough for the things that she and the kids needed and offered to get her own job he replied, “Your job is to raise my kids, out of the question!â€
When it came to providing food, he did so, but he bought things for himself that no one else was allowed to touch. He actually had his own shelf in the fridge – every man’s dream – that had “his stuff†on it. If Anne touched anything without permission there was Hell to pay! Really? Permission? C’mon.
Whenever they would have the slightest disagreement John would storm off and call his mother. Within a short period of time Mommy-Dearest would come to her son’s rescue and yell at Anne about what a terrible wife she is and how John was right and she was wrong. John would, of course, stand right next to his mother and rehash the whole argument now that he had support. No matter the subject, Anne was wrong and John was right. WOW!!! I’ve stopped confiding in my family when Gerlie and I have a disagreement because they always take HER side! Sheeessshhh… and that’s not all!
John worked a split shift and got home around 7pm. When he got home he needed to de-stress from the day’s event. I understand. I have a stressful job. I like my quiet time. I never get any, but I’d like it if I did
Except his “quiet time†was exactly that. The kids weren’t allowed to make a noise. Not one! When he came home Anne was to take the children and go to bed, so that he could relax and watch “his showsâ€. Not go in the other room, GO TO BED. I guess this was also the rule when Anne’s parents visited for a few weeks. They, her PARENTS, had to go to bed as well! OHhhhhhh… I almost forgot! Anne slept in the kids’ room. When the first was a baby, John would get irate if the baby woke up crying in the middle of the night. I mean irate! So pretty shortly after having their son, Anne had to move in with the baby to keep him quiet when John was asleep. And she put up with this for four years??? Sorry baby, but this is the first wife I have met that makes you look bad
LOL Just KIDDING Honey.
For a guy so supposedly family oriented, he certainly didn’t have any patients for his kids. Their kids are two of the most quiet, well-mannered – I mean WELL-mannered – little boys I have ever seen. I get complimented on Howie all the time and he is the anti-Christ compared to these two. John may like the idea of kids, the concept, but this guy is living in a fantasy world. If the kids get fussy when they are out as a family, driving somewhere in the car, he starts to drive like a maniac to scare them into being quiet. I must have missed that chapter in the “Father’s guide to Survivalâ€. If they act up, Anne immediately gets them to another room so John won’t get irritated. I just can’t imagine walk around on egg shells every moment you’re awake. No wonder she got fed up!
Finally, she borrowed some money from her parents, hired a lawyer and filed for divorce. Once he was served, she was told to leave. She had gotten a part time job at a nursing home, but really doesn’t make a whole lot, so she had to find a shelter to live in. John’s birthday was a month after she left and in his benevolent wisdom he didn’t renew her tabs, dropped her from his car insurance and stopped paying the payments on her car. Three to four days a week she is driving their kids around in a car that has no legal plates, is not insured and about to be repossessed. Personally, I couldn’t live with myself if that was the case. No matter how pissed I was at my wife, I would be worried about the kids’ safety. I have a temper, I can be a prick and I can’t fathom what he is doing.
They had voluntary joint custody while the divorce was being finalized. His last act of spite was to sue for custody and slow the divorce proceedings to a crawl. I’m not sure it was his intention, but what he did was basically bury her lawyer in paperwork until her money ran out. His resources were vastly greater than hers so he just kept fighting until her lawyer’s retainer was exhausted. Her lawyer allowed her to run up a ten thousand dollar tab, on top of the ten thousand dollar retainer, before he refused to represent her anymore. She had to finish the proceedings without a lawyer and – surprise, surprise – he was awarded full custody, but she has visitation rights a night or two a week and every other weekend with her children.
Now I’m pretty sure full custody means that his kids are raised by his live-in divorced sister who has five – yes, FIVE – kids of her own. I forgot to mention that his sister lives with them and has for their entire marriage. I guess there is a guest wing or the basement is converted or something and the sister has lived there for some time. I have a hard time believing that the sister and her kids – Who I am guessing are Hellions – have the same set of rules that Anne and his kids have. Then again, maybe he has mom come over to school his sister as well. Who knows?
Sad, sad situation!
So here is Anne. Devoted mother who can’t see her kids without his permission. She won’t go home because of her kids. She lives in a shelter and probably gets no support whatsoever from the guy who brought her here to the land of milk and honey. Looks like she got Americanized and then some!
That’s all for now
Keep the Faith!
H
