A Retrospective: 1 Year Later

[Ray]

Open question to anyone who has married or been engaged to an Asian.

Hey Cap:

When you spoke to the 'rents about making their daughter a "honest woman", was your Spouse aware that you were going to discuss that with them?

Was she present when you had the chat?

Was it both her parents or only one?

When I was married to my First Wife (who is Venezuelan/Ukrainian), I spoke to her Father first about marriage, who then told me to talk to her Mother, as well.

I told her Dad that his Daughter was not aware of our conversation, and that if either parent disapproved, I would gradually "kill" the relationship...not wanting to cause a rift in their family.

Her Father was actually grateful that I would think of that possibility.

Regardless, our marriage ended 10 years later.  The FIRST divorce in EITHER of our families'.

Your (and anyone else's) thoughts?

Good questions DLG.

For the Philippines, cultural traditions dictate that you ask permission to marry from the girl’s father, or mother if he is not available, to marry his daughter.

This is even prescribed by Philippine law. Unless previously married, a Filipino between the ages of 18 & 21 must have written parental consent when applying for a marriage license. If between the ages of 21 & 25, parental advice is required.

Even though two people in love are probably going to marry anyway one way or another (by eloping), it shows respect for the role of the father in the Filipino family to ask for his consent.

It is also considered respectful to ask for permission from the girl’s oldest brother (or sister), though not absolutely required by custom.

In my case, I first proposed to my wife, then asked her oldest brother for his consent, and finally spoke to her father in private and obtained his permission, after some serious questioning. My wife said that I didn't need to ask her mother, because she would go along with her father's decision.

By first winning over her brother (or sister), you will have an important ally to help influence a skeptical father (or mother).

In my wife’s case, she was 35-years-old when we married, so the parental consent was only a formality to show respect for Filipino customs. Though we likely would have married anyway, following the local customs was a huge help in enabling me to fit in and be accepted as a member of the family.

Ray

[Capstone]

When you spoke to the 'rents about making their daughter a "honest woman", was your Spouse aware that you were going to discuss that with them?

Was she present when you had the chat?

Was it both her parents or only one?

In my case my wife was present during the conversation out of sheer necessity as my in-laws do not speak English and I did not speak any Mandarin at the time - so my wife acted as the interpreter.

Both parents were included in the conversation as well as my wife's older brother and his wife - which was nice because they were very active in the conversation and helped argue my case. Both parents had questions for me and they also both expressed their concerns that they had at the time.

My wife was already aware that I was going to speak with her parents - we had already decided to get married contingent upon her parent's approval. In China the parent's approval for marriage is an absolute must as any good daughter would not go against her parent's wishes on such a matter (its a 'Face' thing').

[robert angel]

Re:

>>It is also considered respectful to ask for permission from the girl’s oldest brother (or sister), though not absolutely required by custom<<

I said I had to run the gauntlet before three of my sister's bros and her Dad--my mistake--it was FOUR brothers: Carl, Calbert, Carmelo and CJ--which included her only older sibling.

I for sure didn't feel like I was some white knight or welcome financial rescuer. They were concerned about my now wife's long term overall happiness and that had nothing to do with material things.

 What struck me deeply was her Father's solemn directing me to 'Send my daughter back home if she's no longer happy please". He made me promise to do that.

It was rather tense at first, but once we had an agreement of the minds, we ended up with laughter in the air and tears in our beers and the women folk came in after and as is their way, we ate and then ate some more. Of course her Mom cried--but then again, I think she'd cry if she saw a dead butterfly.

They're very sweet and gentle people, but formally educated and far from naive. I sometimes wonder why with both her parents, having University degrees, Bachelor's in Business) why they work their farm, which mainly raise copra (coconuts) in land where they seem to already be coconut trees everywhere.

But the pace--the 'cycle' of that life is very nice and while it may be a struggle to put 4 kids though college at the same time on an income that can vary, they somehow manage and I am sure they're happier than 99.9& of rich Americans.

They revere the land and nature and I'll be damned if they don't use every bit of the coconut tree, from the highest frond, to the deepest root, for every thing from oil to making charcoal for filtration systems.

I probably couldn't count all the things they get from a coconut tree and as it's not important to them, I'm sure they've never 'counted'.

My wife has told me countless times  "Honey--it's not good to count, we should just give and be thankful". To them, it 'just is' and they're thankful to have anything on any given day, and it's even better if they can share whatever that is. It sure as hell isn't like "keeping up with the kardashian's"

[Ray]

Re:

...they work their farm, which mainly raise copra (coconuts)

They revere the land and nature and I'll be damned if they don't use every bit of the coconut tree, from the highest frond, to the deepest root, for every thing from oil to making charcoal for filtration systems.

I probably couldn't count all the things they get from a coconut tree and as it's not important to them, I'm sure they've never 'counted'.

Can your wife climb a coconut tree?

Copra is the dried 'meat' of the coconut from which the oil, used mainly for cooking, is extracted. My father-in-law has something like 2,000 coconut trees. Copra prices sometimes fluctuate widely, so making a living from copra can be tough, and it takes quite a lot of labor.

They also use coconut charcoal for cooking in the provinces.

And you forgot the most important product derived from the coconut tree…tuba.  HIC!

Ray

[z_k_g]

And you forgot the most important product derived from the coconut tree…tuba.  HIC!

LOL! spoken like a true red blooded American!   

Zulu

[Ray]

Tip for anyone wanting to marry a Filipina and about to face the family “inquisition” when you ask for permission to marry her. This is particularly effective if they are Visayan.

Bring along a bottle (or 2) of Tanduay Superior black label rum. They will respect your choice of booze and after a few belts, they will probably forget what they were going to grill you on and a good time will be had by all.

HIC!   

Ray

[Bob_S]

Excellent and spot on advice, Cap.

And CONGRATS on havin' a little pork bun in the steamer!  (Hint, them hafu babies get big, so when momma's startin' to show, get in the habit of lying her on her side at night and massaging her lower back.  She feels better and you earn good brownie points.)

[z_k_g]

Excellent and spot on advice, Cap.

And CONGRATS on havin' a little pork bun in the steamer!  (Hint, them hafu babies get big, so when momma's startin' to show, get in the habit of lying her on her side at night and massaging her lower back.  She feels better and you earn good brownie points.)

Spoken like a true pro!

Great advice!

Zulu