One more broken heart to mend

[AsphaltVoyager]

...post removed.

[AsphaltVoyager]

... POST REMOVED.

[Ray]

That’s sad…

Keep looking Asphalt. You’ll find a good one.

Ray

[AsphaltVoyager]

Would you believe.... total contrition???  I will be monitoring to ensure I'm not being a fool once more.... but,

well, time will tell the tale. When confronted, she was totally contrite and saw that she had to give me her full commitment. She apologized profusely and has agreed to take all the profiles down and not be insensitive to my feelings again.

Life is a rocky road. I hope there's a chance it's ice cream this time. I feel too invested in this to simply give up. : ( Yeah, I know.... shame on me.

[Woody]

Life is a rocky road. I hope there's a chance it's ice cream this time. I feel too invested in this to simply give up. : ( Yeah, I know.... shame on me.

What the hell? Oh, and Celtic Jorge, this is for you too....

What the hell is wrong with you two? You clearly see and recognize the showstoppers, call it off, and then go running back into the trap?

Once it is done, walk away. Don't accept the plees for forgiveness, because deep down you know that NOTHING will change.

You thought she fulfilled your laundry list of requirements(which is probably way too strict in the first place, but I'll get to that in a minute), but she proved to you that she  didn't.


As for your requirements in a woman, keep it simple.
Here are my requirements that, if cannot be met, will end the relationship within the first month:
1. Trust (little white lies are expected when I am dealing with Colombianas, that is a cultural thing. Now, can I trust her? Do I feel that my future children would be safe in her care? Would she sleep around? Is she a drama queen in constant need of a male to fuel her ego? These are all important questions to ask yourself)
2. Intelligence (Is she smart? Is she capable and willing to learn? It doesn't matter if she has a degree as long as she can understand and relate to advanced concepts and learn about those subjects that interest her.)
3. Passion (I know, all the guys that date in Latin America hate this vague and often undefined word. Now here is my definition: Does she have a deep interest in certain things? Do her eyes light up when she sees you? Is there something she does that truly makes her happy(other than shopping and dancing)? Passion for something/someone is something that you can visibly see in her eyes when she is talking about it.)
4. Personality (Combine all of the above and ask yourself: Could I spend the rest of my life with her? Am I happy being around her? Is she happy too? Does she motivate me to accomplish more in my life? If she is an emotional roller coaster and it stresses you out now, think how you will grow to HATE her in the future! All the little nagging things get amplified over time.)
5. Looks (You wouldn't have gotten this far if she didn't have the looks you desired anyways, so don't worry about it. For me, the question is: Does she have a great smile?)

Guess what? Everything else is either not important or is directly related to one of the above concepts.

What I am saying is this: Walk away. There are another 3 billion women on this planet. She is NOT the "one that got away." If she has already displayed a large breach of trust, get rid of her. You have literally thousands of soul mates out there, the challenge is meeting one of them at the right point in your respective lives and recognizing each other.

Don't rush, don't panic, you will find her. It will not be an easy or cheap endeavor but you will succeed.

[AsphaltVoyager]

You have literally thousands of soul mates out there, the challenge is meeting one of them at the right point in your respective lives and recognizing each other.

Yes, that's true, but some of us have smaller windows left than others. And I appreciate everything you had to say, Woody. I'd have said the same thing in your shoes, and HAVE plenty of times. Sometimes my advice was heeded, other times not and sometimes in spite of the worst possible expectations, it still worked out for the one I told to run and he didn't. One guy in particular that I've kept contact with over the years is still married, has two more children with the one I said to run from. I guess that sometimes it takes a confrontation to establish where you stand and draw your line in the sand. Anything worth having is worth fighting for and she fought back when she could have simply walked away. That has to count for something.

But, I DO intend to "trust but verify". She'll have a long road to climb to prove to me it's real.

[braziliangirl]

Would you believe.... total contrition???  

I believe in regret. I believe in forgiveness. But in this case you are just reinforcing a bad behavior. And the shadows of what happened will always be around your mind. What happened was not a little thing.

Please, love, respect and take better care of yourself.

You can do better.

[z_k_g]

Guys!!

I just woke up!

WTF happened!!

Asphalt, why did you delete the post?

Zulu

[robert angel]

A.V.,

Sorry to hear about all the drama, but it is good for you to articulate it and hopefully go back and revisit what you wrote later on. You sound like a nice and very forgiving person and it's really good to have you here--I really enjoy your posts.

As has been said before, the putting a second profile on a site/s may sound like 'not acting in good faith', but I reluctantly suggest it in quite a few instances. That and having  friend approach a prospect online. My now wife didn't purposefully do that to me, nor I to her, but enough of her friends were on Cherry Blossoms and vice versa, so that we would have been vetted.

But there are so many sites and just one flirty chat can switch the beginning relationship from any one site onto Yahoo or MSN, where you can have many screen names & profiles and greater secrecy.  

Some guys come right out and say " You HAVE to do this RIGHT NOW--I know there's activity there and if you do not disclose fully and I know MORE than you might think, you will never hear from me again". It works, even if it is very stressful. My wife offered to give me hers and I never even asked, I just didn't feel I needed it.

Having two different profiles can produce startling results. I once had one that made me look pretty hunky, in a muscle shirt and sunglasses and another, shall we say more 'toadly' and a lot of the same gals picked me. I think maybe they clicked on every available guy, and some were quite pretty, with well written profiles. Maybe Shrek and Fionna isn't just in movies, but I'm still suspicious.

The internet is just so easy, so full of temptations that we often try in our minds to minimize the significance and hurt they can create because we're sitting in a seat, thousands of miles apart. We've 'seen so many similar dalliances come and go, so what's the harm in a little flirting?' one might think.

For many people, they don't remotely think of it as 'cheating'. I imagine 98% of guys who bring a wife over have to do some serious cleaning up of their home computers before she lands, lest risking a seriously unhappy bride. I pretty much left my Yahoo untouched as there really wasn't anything 'touchy' in there and it's funny how almost all those names disappeared anyways in not that long a time, as contact just dropped off and most of the women who I once counted as 'Yahoo friends', changed their names or deactivated profiles--I hope they did it because they got married. After marriage, I wasn't contacting them-they knew of my situation and the off line mesages pretty much quit, save for an occasional holiday greeting or such.

Out of decency, or maybe to avoid potential castration, ha ha, I deleted some old letters and photos from my computer/house. It's amazing how much stuff can get stuck in files, in 'nooks and crannies' and one way or another, things and information have a way of coming out, one way or another, and so I found out, but it wasn't anything really awful, thankfully. I guess that's why some people reformat their computers entirely and really clean out their house, drawers and all beforehand.

If curiosity kills cats, I'm surprised there are so many Filipinas still alive. They can be very suspicious and jealous creatures, especially if you give them half a reason to be so. They will dig and search.

'Flirting' online or not, to put it in the nicest term possible, can be very addictive. You think in your mind that it's 'harmless' and yet it's very, very reinforcing to your ego that somebody really good looking and interesting is more than willing to chat and even go cam to cam with you. And no one back home is going to even know! (you think) I have seen news about a guys behavior spread from on end of that island nation to the other online, amongst people who only knew each other on line.

This all brings to mind the question of whether once such behaviors have started if they'll stop once married or whether "A tiger never changes it's stripes' nor a "Leopard its spots".

A.V., I think the jury's still out on this one and there are some measures you can take to get clear and feel more reasonably confident. We tend to think our time and options are more limited than they actually are. It may well be time for you to move  on. If she's truly in love with you, you'll be getting messages from her like you won't believe. If you're not getting them, well, then you know for sure. If you're weak here, she'll smell it like a junk yard dog smells fear. There is definitely reason for concern and don't put yourself into denial, blinding your objective perception.

I say 'hope for the best and prepare for the worst--just in case'. I am a cynical, yet romantic guy and I hope for the best for you!

[Woody]

Guys!!

I just woke up!

WTF happened!!

Asphalt, why did you delete the post?

Zulu

Here is the short version:
She didn't turn off her profiles, even though he asked her to(and she was logging on daily).
He got suspicious of her, created another profile, flirted with her, she took the bait.
He dumped her, she came running back, begging, he took her back.

[Ray]

Asphalt!

I'm going to go with Woody & braziliangirl. Dump her and don't look back!

Here, I'll give you a picture...



Now I know you aren't going to listen to us because your heart has overpowered your brain, so at least do this:  Get certified copies of the CENOMAR, Marriage Certificate, Annulment Decree, Birth Certificate, & Baptism Certificate. DO NOT go any farther with this one until you have those documents in hand. Trust me on this!

Ray

[Celtic_Jorge]

Uh.  Woody..

All my girl did was log in to a dating site after we had been talking for awhile.
I did it too.  I got on the dating website a few times after we talked.  I don't do it anymore, though.  I like the girl I am talking to now.  I have no need to.  I don't really expect 100% commitment until we're engaged anyway.  It would be ridiculous for me to expect that.
Just window shopping on a dating site is not really cheating, at least in my book.  There's no ring around her finger.  I haven't even dated her in person yet.
I hope to fix that soon though.

[robert angel]

Re:

>>Here is the short version:
She didn't turn off her profiles, even though he asked her to(and she was logging on daily).
He got suspicious of her, created another profile, flirted with her, she took the bait.
He dumped her, she came running back, begging, he took her back.<<---By Woody

Hey Woody--I think I need you to 'edit' my posts, man!!

And Asphalt, There was no need to delete your posts. Even Jorge, who I still swear has got Irish, stubborn blood in him, has come back for more w/o deleting stuff. I hear he did buy a haitian voodoo doll with Ray's likeness all over it though, but that's not at all uncommon around here!

There was nothing to be ashamed about there in what you wrote and chances are we've all been there in one way or another, or if not, could learn from it--no tar on the ole 'Asphalt'.

Just remember those words of wisdom uttered by Forest Gump: "Stupid is as stupid does" (Actually I think his momma told him that) and you haven't actually gone and REALLY done anything along those lines yet.

[z_k_g]

There was nothing to be ashamed about there in what you wrote and chances are we've all been there in one way or another, or if not, could learn from it--no tar on the ole 'Asphalt'.

Asphalt, I feel for ya!  Nothing to be ashamed of because this entire process has enormous risks!  But the rewards...take a look at Piggy's WIFE!

I hope you refrain from erasing your posts in the future.  It may be embarrassing and hurt like the dickens to read over and over and listen to all the critics and monday morning quarterbacks (we love ya Ray  ), but the responses and followups help everyone, especially the newbies like me!!

Keep it honest and we'll keep it real with you!  Just ask Jorge! 

Zulu

[Woody]

Hey Woody--I think I need you to 'edit' my posts, man!!

I have this amazing ability to compress information to the bare essentials. I always received poor marks in school for being straight to the point and summarizing in three words what took most students two paragraphs to say.

Now that I have gotten a bit older, my mentality has changed. Unless I am summarizing, like my earlier post, I prefer to type long-winded sentences. I find that it makes a much more enjoyable read and leaves little room for interpretation.

[robert angel]

Yo Woody,

Re:
>> I always received poor marks in school for being straight to the point and summarizing in three words what took most students two paragraphs to say<<

So did this guy named Ernest--uh--Ernest Hemmingway....

[AsphaltVoyager]

A.V.,

Sorry to hear about all the drama, but it is good for you to articulate it and hopefully go back and revisit what you wrote later on. You sound like a nice and very forgiving person and it's really good to have you here--I really enjoy your posts.

As has been said before, the putting a second profile on a site/s may sound like 'not acting in good faith', but I reluctantly suggest it in quite a few instances. That and having  friend approach a prospect online. My now wife didn't purposefully do that to me, nor I to her, but enough of her friends were on Cherry Blossoms and vice versa, so that we would have been vetted.

But there are so many sites and just one flirty chat can switch the beginning relationship from any one site onto Yahoo or MSN, where you can have many screen names & profiles and greater secrecy.  

Some guys come right out and say " You HAVE to do this RIGHT NOW--I know there's activity there and if you do not disclose fully and I know MORE than you might think, you will never hear from me again". It works, even if it is very stressful. My wife offered to give me hers and I never even asked, I just didn't feel I needed it.

Having two different profiles can produce startling results. I once had one that made me look pretty hunky, in a muscle shirt and sunglasses and another, shall we say more 'toadly' and a lot of the same gals picked me. I think maybe they clicked on every available guy, and some were quite pretty, with well written profiles. Maybe Shrek and Fionna isn't just in movies, but I'm still suspicious.

The internet is just so easy, so full of temptations that we often try in our minds to minimize the significance and hurt they can create because we're sitting in a seat, thousands of miles apart. We've 'seen so many similar dalliances come and go, so what's the harm in a little flirting?' one might think.

For many people, they don't remotely think of it as 'cheating'. I imagine 98% of guys who bring a wife over have to do some serious cleaning up of their home computers before she lands, lest risking a seriously unhappy bride. I pretty much left my Yahoo untouched as there really wasn't anything 'touchy' in there and it's funny how almost all those names disappeared anyways in not that long a time, as contact just dropped off and most of the women who I once counted as 'Yahoo friends', changed their names or deactivated profiles--I hope they did it because they got married. After marriage, I wasn't contacting them-they knew of my situation and the off line mesages pretty much quit, save for an occasional holiday greeting or such.

Out of decency, or maybe to avoid potential castration, ha ha, I deleted some old letters and photos from my computer/house. It's amazing how much stuff can get stuck in files, in 'nooks and crannies' and one way or another, things and information have a way of coming out, one way or another, and so I found out, but it wasn't anything really awful, thankfully. I guess that's why some people reformat their computers entirely and really clean out their house, drawers and all beforehand.

If curiosity kills cats, I'm surprised there are so many Filipinas still alive. They can be very suspicious and jealous creatures, especially if you give them half a reason to be so. They will dig and search.

'Flirting' online or not, to put it in the nicest term possible, can be very addictive. You think in your mind that it's 'harmless' and yet it's very, very reinforcing to your ego that somebody really good looking and interesting is more than willing to chat and even go cam to cam with you. And no one back home is going to even know! (you think) I have seen news about a guys behavior spread from on end of that island nation to the other online, amongst people who only knew each other on line.

This all brings to mind the question of whether once such behaviors have started if they'll stop once married or whether "A tiger never changes it's stripes' nor a "Leopard its spots".

A.V., I think the jury's still out on this one and there are some measures you can take to get clear and feel more reasonably confident. We tend to think our time and options are more limited than they actually are. It may well be time for you to move  on. If she's truly in love with you, you'll be getting messages from her like you won't believe. If you're not getting them, well, then you know for sure. If you're weak here, she'll smell it like a junk yard dog smells fear. There is definitely reason for concern and don't put yourself into denial, blinding your objective perception.

I say 'hope for the best and prepare for the worst--just in case'. I am a cynical, yet romantic guy and I hope for the best for you!

Thank you for your best wishes. I confronted her after having posted a bogus profile to bait her and she fell for the bait. She was very contrite and I sincerely believe that she will do what she has promised, removing all her profiles on the various dating sites. But, I will check and when it is done, I'll feel much better about her commitment level. If it doesn't get done after a short time, then I will conclude that she is just trying to fool me again. HOWEVER, I am also not so stupid as to think that she couldn't simply create new profiles on those websites and with there being over 1000 of every age on those larger websites, it might not be possible to catch her each time. Odds are, however, that she would be caught out on at least one of them if her heart is not truly mine.

I think that with school starting tomorrow, she'll have less free time on her hands, grading papers, handling discipline issues with her students, etc... and what time I also take up of her day.

The strongest point in her favor, regardless of anyone's arguments to the contrary, is that she fought with me to keep our relationship alive when she could have simply found a new sucker in a few minutes, and the one she'd have been able to find would probably have had more $ to flash her way, not to mention less baggage and perhaps younger. So, all in all, I am feeling pretty good about giving her this chance to show she's 100% committed.

As strong as my feelings are for her, having passed once many years ago on what could have been the perfect woman for me, how could I simply walk away and die the thousand deaths of a coward?

[Bob_S]

Where is Cbear?  He should be chiming in on this one.

[Celtic_Jorge]

Hate to say it boys, but I think that most girls talk to several guys , or at least still profile browse, before they finally meet one in person who is willing to actually commit...

It's just something that goes with the territory of international dating.

[z_k_g]

Hate to say it boys, but I think that most girls talk to several guys , or at least still profile browse, before they finally meet one in person who is willing to actually commit...

It's just something that goes with the territory of international dating.

I AGREE!

Take a look at my new post dealing with this reality and other relevant "TRUST BUT VERIFY" issues!

    
What Info Is Fair Game?

Zulu

[Cbear]

Where is Cbear?  He should be chiming in on this one.

Why drag me into this, LOL

Yeah I had a similar problem with a girl I really loved and met twice in the Philippines. She still is a sweet girl but I know I could never get over what she did. Go read the archives about it. I let go and now I am with a woman who is 1000 times better for me.

If you had asked her to remove the profile and she didn't then she is being disrespectful and that my friend will never change. She probably does want you back but why put yourself through it. I could have taken Jacky back but I know I will never trust her 100% again. I am sure however that she learned her lesson I bet the next time she falls in love she won't make the same mistake but for me it was too much to keep in the back of my mind.


But I do trust my new girl 100%. She removed her profile (closed it but I know how to check and see if she has re-opened it or not, she has not) She also txts me all the time telling me where she is and what she is doing so I don't worry about her.



So my advice is just let her go. There are far to many really good ones out there to stay with one who obviously isn't.

And what is this crap you are giving her time to close her profiles, screw that, if you were going to be stupid and give her a second chance then she has all of 5 minutes to delete every single account. at the 6 minute mark DUMP HER. She is saving info from the sites, that is why she hasn't got them all taken down yet. Don't be stupid, kick her to the curb.

[robert angel]

Re:

>>Hate to say it boys, but I think that most girls talk to several guys , or at least still profile browse, before they finally meet one in person who is willing to actually commit<<

Yea, and then some....


"All's fair in love and war"---------"For better or worse"

[braziliangirl]

The strongest point in her favor, regardless of anyone's arguments to the contrary, is that she fought with me to keep our relationship alive when she could have simply found a new sucker in a few minutes, and the one she'd have been able to find would probably have had more $ to flash her way, not to mention less baggage and perhaps younger. So, all in all, I am feeling pretty good about giving her this chance to show she's 100% committed.

As strong as my feelings are for her, having passed once many years ago on what could have been the perfect woman for me, how could I simply walk away and die the thousand deaths of a coward?

Love... oh, love!

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

I just hope she loves you the same way.

I wish you good luck, from the bottom of my heart. 

[robert angel]

Borrowed from the film  'Casablanca'

You must remember this
A kiss is just a kiss, a sigh is just a sigh.
The fundamental things apply
As time goes by.

And when two lovers woo
They still say, "I love you."
On that you can rely
No matter what the future brings
As time goes by.

Moonlight and love songs
Never out of date.
Hearts full of passion
Jealousy and hate.
Woman needs man
And man must have his mate
That no one can deny.

It's still the same old story
A fight for love and glory
A case of do or die.
The world will always welcome lovers
As time goes by.

Oh yes, the world will always welcome lovers
As time goes by.

© 1931 Warner Bros. Music Corporation, ASCAP

[crashfirepm53]

I have to agree with the m/ajority here.du/p her and move on.giving her a few days to delete her accounts is well stupid. 20 minutes is plenty.
I didn't have to ask my girl. She told me she was removing it and never asked for me to do the same. Of course, she only had one account and isn't the player that your girl is.

She has multiple accounts for a reason. She doesn't need to replace you, just add a few more men to the stable.
Your setting yourself up for failure completely unneccesarily.good luck