Barranquilla Baloney.....

[Alabamaboy!]

I am currently in a serious relationship with Barranquillera. We are engaged. I have begun the fiancee visa process and the packet is on its way to Bogota at this time.

Like any relationship we have had our ups and downs, mostly because she is a bit ignorant of the ways of the world, and appears to be lazy by my standards, but in reality is normal for the coast of Colombia.

I was looking for someone "descomplicada" and young enough to hang with me and my two young children. And  we both want to have another child together as well. I was not looking for a career woman. I have a good business that will allow us to travel and have a nice life together. And I don't want to have to work around her schedule.

So this girl seemed to be perfect. Young, pretty, excellent cook, loves children, actually enjoys the home life, decorating, gardening, all that. When we are together, the chemistry is really good. We chill out, go to the beach, dancing a bit, shopping, movies. I get along with her family and friends great. My Spanish is good enough that I can travel throughout Colombia without difficulty without use of a translator.

So what is the problem? She cannot speak even three words of English. She has never talked to my mom (She is Italian and you know how they can be). She can only say "hi" and "bye" to my children, even though they are always trying to talk to her on the webcam or phone. At first I was paying for her to study English with a private instructor. She did not make any progress whatsoever. The instructor basically told me she was frequently late, kind of lazy to learn, did not seem to be able to focus much. So I cut the classes with her.

Then after that, I bought her a $300 laptop, loaded with Rosetta Stone and "Before You Know It" English software. My ex from BAQ learned basically fluent English with that approach, and with writing letters and talking to me everynight,  in about 6-9 months. Well my current girl learned nothing. And wrote letters that took probably 10 min to write and never improved. So during my last trip, I brought the computer back here to the States because she was basically not using it for anything to do with learning English, and I had an employee who wanted to buy it.

So her excuse at that time was that she was working too much as a housekeeper/nanny for her aunt.

So she quit working there at the beginning of the year to give her more time to study English. Sounds good in theory right? Well she has done even less with the English since moving back to her mother's house. Even though we are probably 2 months away from the interview and hopefully coming to the States to a household with two young children who do not speak Spanish.

I basically gave up on the English thing because guys like Fathertime and Utopiacowboy seem to have good relationships with their Colombianas although they do not speak much English.

But something really irked me recently. She had asked me if it was OK if she went to the University to study business while still in BAQ. I told her I thought it was not a real good idea because she was only going to be there for a few more months, and for sure the classes are not going to apply to any program in the US. And if she really wanted to study something, she needed to study something useful like English. So she agreed and did not mention it again. That was in December.

Now I find out that she started at the school anyway. It sounds like a community college. It is called SENA. Anyway she was lying to me, telling me she was at the store or something, but in reality was studying. She has to get up at 430 AM to be at class at 6:15 or something like that. And classes run until noon or so. Anyway, now she does even less than ever with the English.

On one hand I feel like telling her the relationship is over because it is very disrespectful and ridiculous that she would lie about something like that, after we already discussed it, and we agreed it was a bad idea. And also because her time could be better spent studying English and preparing for the Visa interview, rather than playing at the U with her friends.

On the other hand, I have seen her in action running a household, taking care of kids. She is great at those things, and enjoys it. And she wants to do that in the States. She is not interested in being a career woman.  And the personal relationship with us is really good. We get along well. Have a lot of good times. I am sure she loves me and I love her as well.

Anyway after a 4 hour marathon MSN session Sunday I explained to her again that it is not smart that she is wasting like 5 hours a day with studying business when she really needs to know English and to prepare for the interview. She finally agreed that it would be best if she quit the business school. And that she could study at the Community College in the US when the time was right.

So I was happy she did so. Relieved that she seemed to finally see where I was coming from and was sacrificing a bit for the sake of the relationship. I felt so positive about things I even sent her a huge bouquet of roses from Jamie's service (they are incredible).

But, she told me this morning, that she really lied and did not quit the classes yesterday like she promised. Because the classes will be over in June or July, so it would be such a waste to quit now that she is almost done. (Remember that the visa interview will probably be in June or July as well).

I keep thinking about whether I should just dump her or continue with the visa process and see how things go.

I hate liars. And she has lied about more than a few things, but always about pretty stupid things. I have never caught her doing anything bad. She is always home at nights when I call. I don't support her financially in any way. She is not an attention whore. She has a tranquil personality.

I do realize that lying and "laziness" are not exactly a rarity on the Coast of Colombia so I don't know if these are red flags or just overreactions on my part.

[fathertime]

Yoyo Alambamaboy!

Based on the totality of what you have said in this post and others, I have changed my opinion and think this girl is not right for you and will just disappoint and piss you off too much.  In the past I thought you could work it out, but the lying, poor judgement, and unwillingness to even try to learn English is just too much in my opinion.

You can drop her and be in the Dominican Republic living an adventure once again.  You are still young enough to have almost anything you want. You already went though one bad marriage with that wife that had your Macy's card in one hand and giggling with phone in her ear.  This new girl lacks motivation and respect and it is questionable if that would change much after she arrives. 

It seems like she is dictating the terms and rolling the dice with what your reaction would be.  For her to have the nerve to lie to you and show such little respect for what she needs to know for the future, when you have laid it out for her is just ignorant. 

As painful and irritating as it is to waste time/money like this, it also has to be refreshing to know you can start anew and get on a plane and meet another babe.  Heck you got plenty of time to give yourself a shot to get this right!

Good luck though with whatever you decide to do!

Fathertime!

[michaelb]

Red flags or over-reaction? Some of each, I'm thinking. Now calm down and think things through, don't do anything rash right away. From a pragmatic viewpoint, remember, under the new laws you only get two visa applications per lifetime (unless you can get a waiver, God only knows how complicated and time consuming and expensive that may be) so don't throw one of them away, at least not without good cause.

Not knowing either of you personally, nor having been privy to the conversation when you 'both agreed' she wouldn't start the classes nor the one when 'both agreed' she would quit them......you yourself said "she agreed and did not mention it again".....perhaps you inferred a response like "I don't want to talk about it anymore" or "I'm tired of arguing about it" as an agreement? I don't know and I'm not accusing, just throwing it out for you to reflect on and try to remember the exact conversation.... (your words) "Anyway after a 4 hour marathon MSN session Sunday I explained to her again..."   could be you just wore her down (or to use terms that put you in an unfavorable light, 'you browbeat her into surrendering'....which is not the same as 'both agreeing'.) Anyway, why would you care what she studies, particularly if you're not paying for it? On the other hand, if she outright denied it but did it anyway, then yes, you have caught her in a lie and that's not good.

She doesn't need to know any English for the interview, they will conduct the interview in Spanish. And she doesn't need to 'prepare' (correction, she WILL have to gather up and fill out all the required documents) or even 'know' anything for the interview except to give answers about the relationship that match what you provided in the petition......when did you meet, are you aware that he has two children? How old are they? What are their names? Stuff like that, that she would already know anyway in a genuine relationship (which it sounds like you two DO have).

Speaking of studying in your local community college, they aren't going to let her do that (except to take English as a second language classes) until she can pass an English proficiency test, because to do so would simply waste her time and your money and impede the progress of the other students.

Speaking of learning English....Not sure about FT, but Utopia and I both live in "English Optional" parts of the country.....last time I was in Alabama, I noticed that was NOT the case there..so maybe when she gets here she'll learn to swim when her only option is to sink.

Looks like you're upset right now.....I'd hate for you to 'dump' a good one over what could just be a misunderstanding and/or a case of "I didn't actually 'agree', I just gave up arguing about it and you TOOK that for agreement"......I know, that's arguing semantics and/or splitting hairs.....I can't tell you which way to go on this one, that's your decision...but I can (and am) telling you go slow, and give it a couple of days thinking it over before you do anything that you can't undo.

Sincerely hoping it works out for the best.

[Alabamaboy!]

MichaelB:

This is indeed my second time with the fiancee visa.

Yes, we both agreed on her not going to the University. And we did not talk about it again because at that time I just thought it was completely ridiculous that she would even think about doing it. Because literally she cannot say a complete sentence in English. I even went as far to say if she insisted on going to the classes, I thought the relationship would fail, because it was simply bad judgment on her part.

The 4 hour MSN session was so long because she was begging me to change my position. And I would not. I don't care WTF she studies, as long as she can communicate a bit with my children. The whole reason I got divorced was my ex was a poor mother. So I want someone who will do their best for the kids, including communication. I can speak Spanish fine, and for me, it might actually be better if she spoke only Spanish, because my Spanish is improving a lot, and my clients at work are impressed, because most are Spanish speaking.

IN regards to the interview, I realize she will not have to speak English, but she is pretty shy, never been out of Barranquilla, CTG, Santa Marta area, and not so worldly. So I think she will have a hard time at the interview. She will need to study a bit I think. She is not a detailed oriented person. She even had her own last name spelled wrong on her facebook!

The community college thing, yeah, she would be taking English first or at least studying English with me until she would pass a proficiency test.

I do not live in Alabama. That is just my username. I am also living in a place where a lot of folks speak Spanish. So much so that I am afraid she might just take the lazy way out and never learn English. And as I said before, it would not be that bad of a thing except that I think she would not be such a great mother, especially to my three year old, when she cannot speak any English.

Thanks for the info fellas.

[utopiacowboy]

Your three year old would wind up bilingual because she will speak nothing but Spanish to him/her.

[Kiltboy1]

Alabama

I think you should really take a long , concise look at this relationship. My experience with Colombian women, and I have a lot, is that if you see a somewhat lazy side to her now, it is only going to get worse, not better. You need to decide if this is acceptable to you and the lies, well, even small ones are a complete lack of respect for you . Now we all know that Colombians are notorious for small lies, but still, I cannot see how this can be good. My wife and I just celebrated our 3rd wedding anniversary and while we went through some difficult times , she has never once lied to me, ever. So, you should look for a woman that regardless of the situation, she does not lie to you and you have children to consider as well. Hope it works out one way or the other

KB

[Alabamaboy!]

UC, I was thinking about that. It would be a very positive thing for my 3 year old to be completely bilingual.

But man, the more I think about it, the more I am starting to lean toward dumping her because this seems to be the epitome of ignorance and laziness, given the fact that she has had the time and means to do what I asked of her.

The amazing part is during the 4 hour MSN session on Sunday, when I kept asking her why she would take this stupid class anyway if she was coming to the US, she told me it was because I was so mad at her for not learning English, she is afraid I will dump her and she will end up in Colombia without a guy and without a career!!!!! When I told her that with that line of thought, she will end up studying less and less English, and waste more time with her other school, and in the end I will dump her and she will remain in Colombia.

Another ironic thing is that she is taking the same kind of class that my ex from BAQ took. She was so hot to have her "own career" and to "be someone" also. Well she got her wish. She works in a crappy office for 6 days a week, makes next to nothing for a salary. Looks like she has aged 10 years in the last 10 months. Complains of stress. Has no serious boyfriend. Her life is bad. And wishes she can go back in time and do things differently.

I even tell my current girl this story, but it does not sink into her head.


AS far as I can see the schools in Colombia are nothing more than social things. When we talk to each other when she is at the school, it sounds like she is in a reggaeton party, rather than a school.

[Alabamaboy!]

KB, thanks for the insight.

The laziness thing is pretty bad, but I can see a little reason for it after spending a lot of time on the Coast. The whole scene is lazy there. Even when I was looking for property and had business meetings there, I was lazy, getting up late, and changing appointment dates to accomodate my laziness. I never do that here. I usually get up around 530 AM here. There??? Around noon or so. So I know it is a disease or phenomenon there.

The lying? It is also widespread on the Coast. I do not know why. It is incredible the lies I have heard during the last 3-4 years. The girls I have known from Cali and Bucaramanga are liars too. But nothing like the Costenas. It is an epidemic. Almost all the lies are stupid ones though. But who knows when a big one may be coming. It is like they are sociopaths without a conscience or something. I know that I am making generalizations, but for the most part this is the case.

 

[Kiltboy1]

What part of Alabama are you from? I get there some on business

KB

[Alabamaboy!]

I am not from Alabama. I had a few weird things happening online when people knew too much of my personal life. So I am trying to keep my whereabouts and some personal info under cover to protect my identity.

[Kiltboy1]

Gotcha

[robert angel]

A lot of us are Spanish language challenged. Here's a site that can translate your English language letters into proper Spanish. You may already have this or similar programs, but just in case....

http://www.microsofttranslator.com/Default.aspx

[Researcher]

   Alabamaboy,
             My wife and I didn't speak English until she arrived here in the States.When I studied Spanish here I got to the point that I knew alot of vocabulary but wasn't fluent.I really didn't learn Spanish until I had to use it.It was the same for my wife with English here.She has been here a year and a half and is now fluent.I'm not saying that this will be the case for your woman but it just seems to be that way for learning another language.
             As for the lies and other things this is something you have to decide to live with or not.I was approved for a K1 visa for a fiance I had in the Philippines and she changed alot during the process.About a week before she was due to arrive here I broke it off.We had visa approval and I had already bought the plane tickets so I practically left her at the airport.The relationship just wasn't going to work out.Yes, you are limited to two K1 visas without a waiver under IMBRA but it doesn't mean you cant get another K1 with a waiver or do like I did and marry your woman there and get a K3.I didn't worry about the visa process or what I had "invested" I was not going to be in a bad relationship whatever it took.I just didn't rush into my next relationship and took the time to get to know the women I was interested in.


        Good Luck whatever you decide.
 

        Researcher

[Jeff S]

Bama: I agree with K/B. If something irks you now (laziness/lying) it will only get worse after you're married.

[bcc_1_2]

when I kept asking her why she would take this stupid class anyway if she was coming to the US, she told me it was because I was so mad at her for not learning English, she is afraid I will dump her and she will end up in Colombia without a guy and without a career!!!!!

I don't find this surprising at all. Adults learning a new language is extremely challenging for some (myself included). I can't imagine trying to learn english in my 20s. I feel extremely sorry for anyone trying to learn it as an adult.

The lying sucks no doubt. It kinda reminds me of how some kids just couldn't pass a math class. They'd try and try.... but could just never learn it.

I suspect she really tried to learn english several times and struggled like hell with hit. She's probably ashamed and embarrassed about it too.

That being said you picked a chica that didn't know any English. So you don't exactly get a free pass either.

I'm not sure what you should do. I'm not sure where you live either, but you can't really get around in my neck of the woods without English.

[Bob_S]

Ya know, I don't care how hot she is, I do not envy you one bit.  Let's say she arrives in July, you're married by October, by December your life will be hell.    I agree with FT.  I think she's rolling the dice, betting that you are so love-struck, you'll take whatever crap she gives you and you'll forgive her.  Well, good luck with that.

[jksun07]

How is her Spanish?  I think that's a good way to gauge the potential of her learning English.  Since English and Spanish have a lot of words in common, someone with good Spanish can probably pick up English pretty easily.  If she has poor Spanish, then she might not be a language person or she's just not very educated or smart to begin with.

Still, I think if someone puts enough effort into learning a language, he or she will learn it.  I'm not a language person but when I really forced myself to learn some Spanish last year using Pimsleur and Livemocha, I learned a whole lot more than I thought I was capable of learning even though I am still not fluent at all.

I understand that the poorer people in Colombia don't really have access to learning English since they can't afford classes, computers, etc.  However, in your case, she had all the resources but nothing to show for it.  This may be the result of lack of effort, poor language skills, or a combination of both.

[Alabamaboy!]

Jeff S: The laziness thing is a strange thing with this girl because she was working for her aunt taking care of children and the house, and was able to do so easily and actually loved to do that kind of thing. And even now she is getting up at 4:30 AM to go to her classes which run until 12:30 PM. And even though there is a time difference and I usually cannot call until late each night, she is always there when I call. She is not sleeping or anything like that. But other times she shows a lot of laziness. She says it is normal for Costenas to have periods of "flojerez" or something like that. Where they are just lazy and laying around for days or even a couple weeks!

BCC: It would have been difficult for me to learn another language also when I was at that age. Butttt, I would have done it. At that time I was selling my blood and having experiments done on my body, working every weekend and nights, to have the cash to pay for school. If someone would have given me the opportunity that she has in front of her, wow, I would do it con gusto, maybe even learn Japanese to show how willing I am to do my best.

Bob S: She has seen my ex girlfriend, my ex wife, some of the other girls I was dating. She knows I have little problem getting other women as good or better looking than her. She is not playing the "hottie" card, that is for sure. Actually one night during the first trip when I met her, she could not make a date that we had, and I went out with another beautiful girl instead. And told her about it. Because we were not engaged or even novios at that time.

[Alabamaboy!]

JKsun, her Spanish is not the best in the world. It is odd that you mentioned that because I had been thinking the same thing. She is kind of simple and does not use a lot of flowery language in Spanish for sure. She has a lot of spelling errors in her Spanish when she writes.

Maybe it is just that she does not need to learn English at this time and cannot comprehend how it will be. And especially when we are talking in Spanish every night. But I need to speak Spanish because we are discussing very important things and I do not want there to be any miscommunication.

Maybe when she has thoses two little faces in front of her when she gets here, it will all sink in.

[Alabamaboy!]

Another thing to consider is that she already agreed without hesitation to sign a prenupt. So I am not thinking at all she is trying to scam me or is a green card shark. She loves her family and Colombia. She is not really dying to come to the States. That's for sure.

[JimmySTLOUIS]

Alabama (or wherever)

I dont know your whole story but i have been married to a Peruvian for 5 years

If this lazy style bothers you now it will drive you crazy later. My wife is not lazy but she is not old school country style - early to bed, early to rise.......

I will admit when I get mad at her I will say things like "this is not Peru- no pregunta pregunta pergunta -figure it out for yourself" and other favorites like "you can take the girl out of Peru but you cant take the Peruvian out of the girl"
also I say "Peruvian Style!"

she doesnt deserve this most of the time but I am "voluble"

I consider myself a patient person 99 percent of the time but the cultural thing can get the best of me

anyway -

you know in your heart that there is a problem

best of luck to you

TE AMO PERU!
JIm

[Pivery]

 Alabamaboy,

I too have a lady from Barranquilla, but in my case my lady is bugging me to learn English. She already has a computer from me with Rosetta Stone on it for her, but wants me to teach her
as well. So we have a room with her computer in it but without a tv or telephone or anything and she studies there every day. Friends and family know not to stop by during this time as well.

As far as the lying, I was always told that Colombianas tell little white lies just to keep things from escalating, but in well over a year she has not told me one lie ever. She has total and
complete respect for us as a couple and is aware of my opinion that even a small lie is a form of disrespect. Whether or not you feel disrespected or it's just that she was / is looking to
keep the confrontation to a bare minimum I can't say and obviously it's up to you what you are able to tolerate. For me though, I would always be wondering when she is lying or telling the
truth and that's not something I could tolerate.

Good luck to you!

Pivery

[Jason1]

       I wouldn't worry about the visa stuff.If she is wrong for you she is wrong for you.The young ones do have a tendancy to change.You have to choose well and spend some time getting to know your woman to make sure she is right for you.

[fathertime]

Hey buddy!

I wouldn’t get TOO wound up over hurting her feelings either.  Based on what she told you about the university and the choice of business classes, she is already mentally prepared to deal with a breakup.
It is sad to have to do make these decisions but you got do what is right for you.  That being said, if you really really feel the fire for this gal than go for it.  As 'researcher' said, he pulled the plug after the interview was done and his woman was free to travel, so it can be done without regret!

Pivatoni!   That is a great avatar. Count Chocula was my favorite as a kid.  I still buy it once in a while when I see it.  It is always fully consumed within two days!  I still liked your original avatar best though!

Fathertime!

[Alabamaboy!]

FT: I am not going to worry about her feelings too much. That is for sure. We both have a great opportunity to have  a great life and family together. I am doing my part, but she needs to do her part too. If she does not, fine. I am moving on to the next. I am not one of those guys who will be satisfied suffering during the next 40-50 years with a woman I have no respect for. If she can do enough to get her act together enough to get here, we'll see. And I will treat her great if she treats me and my kids well too. If not, I am gone. And it is a two way street I know. If I become a lazy fat slob, treat her badly for no reason, I don't expect her to stay around either.

And like I told her last night, "OK you are working on Plan B if things go badly and we split up some day, well I am going to do the same". I did not elaborate on what that is, and I am sure she is not so wise to understand it.  So I have a long list of "amigas" I can visit if it comes to that. And this time they are my "amigas" just like she has her "companeros de clase". NO problem right? I was not doing it before she started screwing up, but with all this, I am covering my bases too so in the end if we go our separate ways, I will not really be so broken up about things either.

If she was not doing things this way, I would not be either. But for sure if she gets here and does her thing the way she has said she would, I will not be chatting with any of my "amigas" anymore. That is bad Karma.

I am going to tell all my "amigas" what is going on with my girl and just keep things casual and respectful.