Now I'm Really Confused

[RK]

I am starting this topic as an off-shoot of my previous topic on "Would It Bother You". I really appreciate the feedback given there, and hope to receive some view points here.

I had another lengthy chat this evening with "T". As a recap, she is 30 yrs old, very attractive, lives in Colombia and has a two yr old daughter. She was happy and saying all the nice things people like to hear from a girl they are interested in, including how much she misses me, can't wait to see me, etc.

She asked me if I was wanting to get married again. I said yes, of course. Her response was that she doesn't think she would like to get married again, she had a bad experience with her ex-American husband, and that it is easier and more simple to not be married. She thought maybe she would like to stay in Colombia with her family, etc. and maybe have a boyfriend. Obviously, that's not what my goals are. Then she started talking about how different I am, how she needs time to think about marriage (I never brought it up), how we've known each other two and a half months, and maybe she would want me as her boyfriend.

I'm supposed to visit her this weekend. To be honest, I don't know what to think about all this. Maybe some of you would like the idea of having a girlfriend in Colombia and be happy with that, but I'm looking for more than that. I don't see what the end-game is here with the things she talks about. I'm really confused.

What do you all think? Your feedback, please!

[michaelb]

I think your goals are incompatible. In fact she said so in your last conversation. That doesn't make either of you a bad person, just means that neither of you is the one the other is looking for. 

Probably too late to get the money back for the tickets, and anyway, she'd consider you a real C.S. if you just didn't show up. So may as well go on down. Be polite, have a good time, treat her right and all that, but don't get too attached to her kid. Best bet is just to part as friends.   

[Researcher]

    Nothing to be confused about, she doesn't want the same things out of life that you want.Sounds like she may have some baggage as well.Too many available women out there for that so if I were you I would cut my losses and move on, unless you want to keep buying plane tickets just to be nice.


    Researcher

[Alabamaboy!]

Put her on you LILF's list (Locas I'd Like to Fraternize). You need a good list like for the times if your real girlfriend/fiancee/whatever leaves you hanging. You just break out your list and start calling. Go out with the girls on this list, have a blast, but do not ever consider anything serious with any of them, or you will probably pay a steep price.

And all the while you are going out with the girls on this list you are keeping your eyes open for a good woman. It is amazing how much more desireable you look to other women when they see you out with another girl. They don't know that she is a LILF. They are just going to see you as a "catch".

[raycjs]

RK

You guys are on two different pages, i would not waste any more serious time with this women and do not get close to her son... If you can i would try and make plans to visit and meet another women while you are there saying good by to her . I would plan to see her for a few hours out of respect, and then move on...


best of luck to you

Ray

[Researcher]

   Great advice Ray.Playing games does tend to backfire.



    Researcher

[Calipro]

I am starting this topic as an off-shoot of my previous topic on "Would It Bother You". I really appreciate the feedback given there, and hope to receive some view points here.

I had another lengthy chat this evening with "T". As a recap, she is 30 yrs old, very attractive, lives in Colombia and has a two yr old daughter. She was happy and saying all the nice things people like to hear from a girl they are interested in, including how much she misses me, can't wait to see me, etc.

She asked me if I was wanting to get married again. I said yes, of course. Her response was that she doesn't think she would like to get married again, she had a bad experience with her ex-American husband, and that it is easier and more simple to not be married. She thought maybe she would like to stay in Colombia with her family, etc. and maybe have a boyfriend. Obviously, that's not what my goals are. Then she started talking about how different I am, how she needs time to think about marriage (I never brought it up), how we've known each other two and a half months, and maybe she would want me as her boyfriend.

I'm supposed to visit her this weekend. To be honest, I don't know what to think about all this. Maybe some of you would like the idea of having a girlfriend in Colombia and be happy with that, but I'm looking for more than that. I don't see what the end-game is here with the things she talks about. I'm really confused.

What do you all think? Your feedback, please!

First of all I hope you are not going all the way to Colombia to see just one chick...that is just dumb.

Second of all what are you so worried about....It sounds like the two of you have never even met in person....there maybe absolutely no mututal attraction on either of your parts after you meet for the first time or you both might fall madly in love. If the two if you fall in love I bet she'll consider marrying you even if she had a bad experiance the first time around.

Lastly I think it is a good sign that she doesn't have the expressed goal of finding a husband....that means that she is not desperate nor a green card shark...which are two big pluses. 

If I were you I'd hold my cards a little closer to my chest and not act like you are so desperate to get married....you know if you played it cool she might actually think you have a lot of women that want to marry you and that she is lucky to have you.

By the way what city are you going to?

[Pivery]

 RK,

It does not appear that she even knows what she wants at this point. She may be damaged goods from the last gringo. So she may just be trying to play around for awhile and that does not go along with what you are unltimately are looking for. Is the 2-year old from her first marriage? What happened to the first marriage between them? At any rate, go down there since you already have your ticket, but don't get attached to her and see what else there is out there.

Good Luck,

Pivery

[Bob_S]

First of all I hope you are not going all the way to Colombia to see just one chick...that is just dumb.
Second of all what are you so worried about....It sounds like the two of you have never even met in person....there maybe absolutely no mututal attraction on either of your parts after you meet for the first time or you both might fall madly in love. If the two if you fall in love I bet she'll consider marrying you even if she had a bad experiance the first time around.

Cali, on the previous topic, RK wrote:

She also questioned whether we became intimate too fast (my second visit), and mentioned we need more time for love and everything. I agree with that part, which mirrors everyone's common thoughts here.

So, yeah, he met her and knocked boots already, so is fairly emotionally invested.

She asked me if I was wanting to get married again. I said yes, of course. Her response was that she doesn't think she would like to get married again, she had a bad experience with her ex-American husband, and that it is easier and more simple to not be married.

Then ask her if she has a friend who does want to get married and see if she'll introduce you to her.

[RK]

You guys are great. I really appreciate the feedback.

Cali...you are correct. This will be the third visit down to see her this weekend in a two month period. All for a short three day visit over the weekend.

Is the 2-year old from her first marriage? What happened to the first marriage between them?

Yes, she is from her first marriage. The first marriage fell apart because basically, he worked hard and played very hard. I guess he's a fairly successful businessman in Las Vegas, and he would work late late into the evening, then come home and drag her to the clubs, etc. and party 'til 5am or so, sleep for four hours, then go to work again. Also had a couple of friends staying with them who partied hard and were druggies. She left and went back to Bogota, he begged her to come back saying things changed, so she gave it a shot, things were pretty much the same, and she divorced him and went back to Bogota. Now a year later, he wants her back again, after being divorced four times! I think he's got a screw loose based on her version of things and just the fact the guys been divorced four times (no offense to anyone who's been there, done that four times). She's not interested at all, but keeps a relationship going between him and their daughter, which I am fine with (assuming it's a healthy relationship).

I think she is getting nervous I may move on. She sent me an email today saying she was sorry how she explained how she felt yesterday, that as we speak she doesn't think she would want to marry again, maybe she would with more time, that she loves me and can't wait to see me this weekend. Interestingly, I've never talked about her and I getting married before. I just told her I wanted to get married again, which opened up the whole said discussion. Glad it did come up.

I'm still planning to go down there, but as some of you have advised, don't get close to her daughter, keep my cards close, etc. Excellent advice, which I will heed.

[Kiltboy1]

Reading your story I can confidently say

PLAN A,B,C,D & E

[eddomo1970]

If she is telling you she loves you and is still chatting up these other guys on the internet, then it is time to start looking for other options. Does not look like things will end with what you are looking for. Why waste your time, there are a plenty of women there to choose from

[Pivery]

 RK,

Sounds now like you have a better game plan in regards to her and yourself while in country. He sounds like a guy trying to do too much but sort of forgot sbout the marriage along the way.
She probrably wants to get married again, but is gun-shy of gringos now that the last one seems to have messed her up some. It's too bad that the men don't realize what they are doing
when they don't go about this thing right. He's out of a wife and whatever $ it cost him to get her to the states. She's now a single mother, and the next man to come along has to
put her back together. Nobody wins...

It would show you being a classy guy to at least go down there and be nice to her. It's not going to hurt anything and things may turn around
in your favor spending a bit of one-on-one time with her if she is really who you want. 

Mucho suerte,

Pivery

[Bob_S]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D83JgezVlSs

[fathertime]

Interesting story RK,

It sounds like you are going down there to meet her.  I would try to ascertain if she wants to marry you or not, if that is what you decide you want.  

Now typically I would say that I would almost disregard what she 'says' if her actions are different.  What I mean is, if she says she doesn't want to get married, but than treats you like a king while you are there and enthusiastically agrees to a marriage proposal.  BUT it does seem you are swimming upstream with this gal, for these reasons:
 1. previous young child, (more difficult for most marriages)
 2.Previous American husband, (always going to be in the picture)
 3. not sounding like she has the same goals as you

Since you seem to really like this gal, I'd give it one last shot, but obviously you don't want to endlessly waste your time and money on her if you really sense it is going nowhere, or you think she is going to always be wishy washy with you.  You also have to consider you have that idiot ex husband in Vegas, he may always be in the picture if he has the kid with her.  If it were me, I'd choose again based on some of these things you have already said because this gal sounds more complicated.

As far as chatting up other guys on the internet...don't know the circumstances, but I woundn't worry too much about that at this point.

Anyhoo, good luck!

Fathertime!

  

[Researcher]

          RK,
           Too much baggage with this woman.In the past I ended up with women that had many problems that then became problems for me.Before I knew it I was wondering how I got in the situation to start with and it was all because I wanted to give it "one more try".There are just too many available women out there who do want marriage in their future.You may have feelings for this woman but truthfully evaluate whether or not she is good for you.One big lesson I learned was just because I'm in love with a woman doesn't mean I should marry her.It's great when everything is new in a relationship and this may make her change her mind about marriage, for now.But when the new wears off she may realize she really doesn't want to be married after all.


             Researcher

[dennislevy]

RK

Most of the advice that has been given to you is sound.

There is a duality in Colombian women ...its part of the gneral feminne pysche in the country.  Many women say htat want to have a stable loving relationship with a man...but since they have been screwed over so badly, they are areally friad to commit 

She may want a boyfriend to visit her from time to time...as you have..I odnt know if you are taking care of or any of the bills.....but if you are...think again. Because at her age, she still probably thinks she has a lot of options for a man in her life

You re hearing her side of the story...but for me...and admittedly I live here.....any woman who had lived in the  States with an American man, a 90 day visa that didnt work out or a failed marriage in the states...thats an easy cut, an automatic deal killer for me.

 My question is...if you have seen this woman twice before....how  did you not manage to have this conversation about goals before?  For me that s a first date item!!!!!!

So my advice.............visit her, have a nice conversation and offer her a choice..........woudl she like to be friends (sin besos o derechos) or would she prefer a clean break?  If she says I want to be friends, ...............write to her once, remind her of the new type of relationship in a polite and friendly way. And if you re sending money or supporting her in any way...cut it off immediately............If she doesn t answer, dont contact her again, dont pass GO, dont collect $200, move on...there are gazillions of women in Colombia.

OK, get in touch with mew if you would like.....

Cuidate
Dennis 

[RK]

She made the decision not to come this weekend easy for me. Last night she sent me an email saying the salon she is training to be a hairdresser at asked her to come in this weekend and work. Unfortunately, this is the second weekend in a row this has happened. I was supposed to go there last weekend but the same think happened at the last minute. She told me a few weeks ago this might happen, so I don't think she's bs'ing me. I just didn't expect it to happen two weekends in a row after I made my apt deposit and everything. Fortunately I have flexibility with the air travel. She's asking me to be patient for a couple of weeks while she makes this career change (from working part-time in a travel agency).

I'm going to heed the collective advice of everyone here. She has now become less of a priority for me and I will now expand my networking to meet others, more importantly those that are on the same page as me, ready and willing to pursue a serious relationship. I'll keep in touch with her and should things change to where my time is important to her also, I'll adjust accordingly if my social situation has not changed then.

[Researcher]

  RK,
   Sounds like BS to me.When I was dating my wife sometimes she would have to work but we still would see each other after she was finished.


  Researcher

[braziliangirl]

move on, my friend...

[Alabamaboy!]

If you decide not to move on or to just accept her BS, then she will have you pegged as a "chump and a sucker" and will know she has you by the balls.

Just get out there and circulate. Make it well known you are on the prowl. It will make you more desireable in their eyes and make them be a little more meaningful in their actions because if they are really interested in you , they will not want to lose you to someone else.

And from my experience the most powerful aphrodesiac to these women is not good looks, nice cologne, or a pocket full of cash.....it is having something that their friends and their family want. They love to make other people envious. You are much more interesting to them if they know they are expendable, that there are other women out there that want to take a chance with you also.

So do not be afraid to say that at the beginning. But you need to make sure it is not a lie, and while in this preliminary stage, actually cultivate some of these "friendships" because who knows what will come of them.

Do not tie yourself down to just one girl early in the game. Think more like a Latino than a Gringo.

[Pivery]

 RK,

I think she may just be trying to string you along and not being honest with you. When I first began my relationship with my now fiancée last year, she was working 48 hours
a week and taking classes. I asked her early on if she would even have time for a serious relationship. She replied that if she were really into me and we were clicking, she
would make time. So ultimately she cut a class off of her schedule and that time was reinvested in our budding relationship.

Women there will have an "appointment, interview or sick friend/relative" as a kind of get out of jail free card from a guy. Maybe she really does have something to do, but
knowing how difficult and costly it is for an average gringo to fly down there, if she doesn't make an adjustment for this she would be dropped from my short list.

Pivery

[RK]

RK,

I think she may just be trying to string you along and not being honest with you. When I first began my relationship with my now fiancée last year, she was working 48 hours
a week and taking classes. I asked her early on if she would even have time for a serious relationship. She replied that if she were really into me and we were clicking, she
would make time. So ultimately she cut a class off of her schedule and that time was reinvested in our budding relationship.

Women there will have an "appointment, interview or sick friend/relative" as a kind of get out of jail free card from a guy. Maybe she really does have something to do, but
knowing how difficult and costly it is for an average gringo to fly down there, if she doesn't make an adjustment for this she would be dropped from my short list.

Pivery

  RK,
   Sounds like BS to me.When I was dating my wife sometimes she would have to work but we still would see each other after she was finished.


  Researcher

I work for an airline and my cost is minimal and my travel is not restricted. Two flights with a total of five and a half hours flying time to get there. She knows this and it probably adds to her not thinking it's a big deal. However, there are other issues, such as rearranging work schedules, apt deposit, etc. that come into play.

Researcher, I agree in theory. However, the consideration I give in this is that she worked M-F, then up early Sat and Sun to do this additional work/training, and I think she feels compelled/obligated to spend the remaining free time of the evening with her 2 yr old daughter, as her mother will have been watching her seven days out of the week.

AB...thanks for the "down to earth" advice. I appreciate it.

[Researcher]

    RK,

        Still too many fish in the sea.My wife had plenty of responsibilities but still found the time to spend with me.Sounds like this woman is too busy for a relationship.



   Researcher

[RK]

Sounds like this woman is too busy for a relationship.

   Researcher

I think you're probably right. I'm starting to broaden my horizons once again.