Wife's Male Friend

[Neal Sandman]

Haven't posted in a while, been mostly lurking since I got married in 2001.

Finally have a problem I wanted to bring to the board. It is about a male friend of my wife's. She belongs to a message group for Colombians that she calls the Foro. Not sure what the real name of the board is, but maybe some of your wives belong to it. Anyway, it is for Colombians to post and have a social network, and it includes men and women. No big deal. Most of the people on it are women.

Recently, however, one of the men on the board has begun to send my wife presents. He has so far (over the past 6 months) sent her two bottles of aguadiente and two bags of Colombian candy. He has also sent a Christmas card addressed to the whole family.

When we got married my wife mentioned that in Colombia it is not uncommon to have friends of the opposite sex, however, I also know the divorce and separation rate in Colombia is kinda high. My question is whether this is something to be concerned about and try to nip in the bud, or is it just a passing friendship, nothing more?

Neal Sandman

[bcc_1_2]

is this a colombian guy living in the states? a colombian guy in colombia (might help determine any motives)? and this is a guy she has never met?

my thoughts are if you are uncomfortable with it you shouldn't ignore it. IMO the card was nice, but the candy and booze could indicate a romantic interest on the guy's part. 

My other thought is she should not be giving out your address on the internet.

[sean126]

I agree with B double-c.  It's obvious you're not comfortable with it, so when she says..."oh, it's no big deal", then remind her since it's no big deal then she wouldn't mind putting a stop to it since you feel like it's a form of disrespect for him to send it and for her to accept it because it's a big deal to you.  Frankly....if it is truly no big deal to her then she will have no problem with you asking her to stop it.

I also agree that it's stupid for her to give your address out on the internet.  Internet thieves and con-artists are every where these days stealing I.D.'s and credit card info with minimal information.  I constantly reinforce that to my wife because I've got above average credit and she's building an excellent credit score.

There are Colombian women who have very close male friends who are like brothers, but if this is not one of those then in my opinion...this whole thing is disrespectful.  It's one thing to chat with people who are friends of friends of friends or chat with a guy who she has known years before meeting you that has always been just a friend....it's totally another subject when men your wife just met on the internet start sending gifts.  Latin men are also known for their jealousy....so the guy already knows he's disrespecting you by sending the gifts.  They are both equally guilty.  I'm sure your wife wouldn't like it if a woman you met on the internet started sending you gifts of a personal nature.  The liquor is in the romantic category and the candy is "if-y"...if it's traditional chocolates then it's of a romantic nature also.

What you need to decide is how far you are willing to go if she refuses to stop.  Separation? Divorce? Nothing??  Actually....you shouldn't even have to tell your wife to stop....it should have never happened in the first place.  The next thing you need to worry about is if she grudgingly agrees to stop then will she be secretly having gifts sent to her friend's house?  Then again....she may be very naive and not know it's wrong and disrespectful until you tell her.  I doubt it though, but it could be the case.

Good luck.  

[Pivery]

 Good advice from the last two posts. Doesn't sound like the best idea for her to have another man being so close and it's obvious that
it's something that's bothering you as this is what you decided to post about. My lady had a few man-friends, but were dropped as we
became exclusive to each other without me saying anything about them. She wanted there to be only one man in her life.
I had a few women from the past as friends that I sort of stopped talking to out of respect and I wanted to devote all of my attention to my lady.
Some of this I suspect is is coming from the intense latina jealousy that she still has. Not sure why after all this time together,
but I like the idea of her not wanting to lose me and tries every day to keep me 'happy' which I have no problem with!  :-*

I have friends from my school days from facebook as she does as well, but idle historical chit-chat is different than receiving gifts.
You should put your foot down if this is an issue, and if you don't this could potentially become something more than gifts. He may show
up at your door one day, or she ends up meeting him for "friendship" lunches or whatnot assuming that he has means to get to wherever you live.
Also, congratulations on being married this long, and I hope that this doesn't become an even bigger problem down the line.

Pivery

[william3rd]

I do not see maintaining male friendships outside the marriage as a good thing. If this is a long standing friend in Colombia, that is one thing- you both visit him when you go back home to visit.

Cultivating local male friends after she comes to the US and marries you is just looking for a disaster. Not proper. If she wants you to meet with Joe from English class and you socialize with him as a couple occasionally- OK. If he has Raider season tickets and wants to go with you to every game and drink beer, then thank her. If this is just her hanging with some guy- forget it!!!!

[Researcher]

   Not a good situation Neal.It may be common in Colombia but it wouldn't be common in my marriage.Just my opinion.


    Researcher

[robert angel]

If some guy was sending my wife gifts, especially gifts like that, I would hope there would be a return address and those gifts would be going back 'pronto' along with some choice 'tid bits' from me to that guy, mano to mano.

I don't care WHAT they do 'back home' in that respect, but in my marriage, that's not going to fly. I respect, even embrace, most of my wife's cultural values, but we're not going to go there.

My wife's really into facebook and of course, yahoo messenger, and she is constantly rejecting 'friend offers' on facebook. I don't know why, but a whole lot of them are from Arab guys and most of the rest Asian--she's a Filipina. Her pics there are pretty modest, but it's easy to see that she's a very attractive, exotic looking woman, if I do say so myself. I realize guys are going to always try and hit her up--it's amazing she doesn't respond to that or even really take notice of the guys bending their necks to see her at the mall and in public, whether she's with me or her girlfriends--she's just not tuned in to that.

She stays in touch with a few guy classmates and a couple of her old bosses from Coca Cola back home, but she's very upfront about all that. I am not obsessed with watching over her internet or telephone/texting habits, but I do look on occasionally and check her internet and phone history trail once in a while, as she does mine. It's only fair--in fact, I think she's actually glad I do because she knows I care.

There's a couple we know who are about to separate and for months--even before things were beyond repair, the woman was (is) getting and sending text messages to her new guy and her husband didn't even care enough to check who she was texting with--right when he was there. My wife and I find that as horrific and grounds for showing her the door. If my wife disrespected me like that, I'd point her to the trailer park across town in a heartbeat.

[flipflop]

I'd slam the booze eat the candy and give her a good pokin

[Ray]

Nip it in the bud...   

[Neal Sandman]

Guys,
Thanks for all the thoughtful advice. I appreciate all of your replies, even the humorous ones. I, also thought the best course of action was to talk to her as soon as possible. I didn't want to let it go on for very long. I wasn't sure-though-if I should talk to him also.

Anyway, I talked to her last night. Although it didn't go well, there was no argument, and she knows how I feel. I presented my viewpoint, she told me how she felt, that it was not a serious concern, and I let her know I didn't want it to happen again.

[sean126]

Glad it went well for you.

[raycjs]

I am glad you where able to speak your mind and not have it lead to anything major





Ray

[jm21-2]

Be a little bit careful with all that. Divorces can definitely happen if a guy gets paranoid about guy friends or deals with the issue poorly. Though sending gifts is a bit too far.

[utopiacowboy]

Common in Colombia? Name one Colombian guy who would allow another guy to send his wife presents. If she doesn't like your putting your foot down, tell her you're going to start sending women presents and see what she thinks about that.

[Dan Las Vegas]

I like UC's suggestion the best!!!!  Bet that ends this issue quickly.

[stevjulietb]

I bet if it was researched, many marriages have ended because of well meaning friends....both male and female friends...it is wrong for the guy to send gifts...

steveb

[Henry]

Guys,
Thanks for all the thoughtful advice. I appreciate all of your replies, even the humorous ones. I, also thought the best course of action was to talk to her as soon as possible. I didn't want to let it go on for very long. I wasn't sure-though-if I should talk to him also.

Anyway, I talked to her last night. Although it didn't go well, there was no argument, and she knows how I feel. I presented my viewpoint, she told me how she felt, that it was not a serious concern, and I let her know I didn't want it to happen again.

Did she agree to tell him to stop? Whoa! Colombian women, eh.

[mudd]

im with  utopiacowboy   comments,

its not common in colombia, and no guy down there would put up with it, and i m sure your wife wouldnt like it, if you start sending the same things to a " female friend" in the USA.

[zack]

Guys,
Thanks for all the thoughtful advice. I appreciate all of your replies, even the humorous ones. I, also thought the best course of action was to talk to her as soon as possible. I didn't want to let it go on for very long. I wasn't sure-though-if I should talk to him also.

Anyway, I talked to her last night. Although it didn't go well, there was no argument, and she knows how I feel. I presented my viewpoint, she told me how she felt, that it was not a serious concern, and I let her know I didn't want it to happen again.

So what exactly do you mean by "it didn't go well"? So is she going to continue to allow it?

I would ask her this: "What would you think if I had a female friend who sent me gifts?"

[Alabamaboy!]

Yeah the best way I have found to get things through to some of these women is to do the exact same things yourself and see what happens. For example my fiancee had the typical 100+ MSN contacts, most of whom were men. And I said, "hey, why do you still have so many guys on your MSN?" And she replied they were just "friends". So then I told her I was going to add about 80 more female "friends" back onto my MSN. And guess what happened???

She immediately took the guys off the MSN and begged me to not add the women to my MSN.

If there are exchanges of gifts, phone numbers, etc, by your woman, make it clear you do not like it and will not tolerate it. Period.

[Bob_S]

she told me how she felt, that it was not a serious concern, and I let her know I didn't want it to happen again.

It would only not be a concern under very limited circumstances such as:
1. He is her gay male friend, and the gifts were in appreciation for playing matchmaker and helping him find his own North American boyfriend;
2. He's an old coot father figure who is ostracized from his own children and has sort of adopted her as a surrogate daughter.  Not a healthy relationship, but also not something to be too concerned about.
Beyond that, things get weird and should be monitored closely.

[bcc_1_2]

I still have female friends... lots of them. my soon to be wife has met them... she hangs out with a couple of them all the time... mostly without me now. many of these ladies are in a relationship or married themselves.

My point being its ok to keep your friends of both sexes... but they should become friends of you both if you plan to keep them.

[braziliangirl]

Hi Neal,

Even if it is common to have friends of the opposite sex in Colombia, I doubt they keep sending presents like that. Plus, if it's not common in your culture and you are not comfortable, she should consider that...

Sorry to ask that, but besides this friend thing, how is your marriage going? Maybe it's just a symptom and you guys should try to find out what the real problem is.

I have to say some of the advices were very childish. Threating her to do the same thing won't solve the problem...

Good luck!
L.

[Alabamaboy!]

Braziliangirl, so far I have had great results with "threatening to do the same thing to her". Probably because my fiancee is pretty young and cannot really see things that well in an abstract manner, but when faced with the reality of me getting the "green light" to do the same kind of things, then all of the sudden things become very concrete and she instantly "gets it".

Many of the women I have met in Colombia are very ignorant regarding relationships, knowing how men think/operate, and basic rules of etiquette. But many of them have good hearts, and just do not realize what kind of problems they may be making for the relationship and/or how to avoid them.

I do agree with Bcc about the idea that the friends should become friends of both parties. That would take the edge off of some of these situations.

[jm21-2]

Threatening to do the same thing could cause some people to push back and just do it more, aggravating the situation.