you guys get weird 'vibes', etc for marrying a foriegn wife from various people?

[robert angel]

I was wondering --What kind of reactions you married guys get both here and abroad after marrying your wives? I would imagine this has been discused and is in the archives herem buried, but I'm too lazy to look and for the unmarried, I think this might be a good topic.

For me, reactions are pretty minimal, but I do get some and they vary. I have gotten a several from AW's, who seem a little put out that I "couldn't find an AW", which makes me laugh. Those few comments have usually come from well dressed, grossly over weight single (and bitter for it) white women in their 30's. Laughable really. Typically Junior leaugue' types, pearl necklaces and all, making comments

More importantly is my and my wife's (our now) familie's reactions. At first I was concerned that my wife was too young and pretty and that it wouldn't go over well. Amazingly, the only person who really had a fit was my then 14 y/o son, who would have had issues with me marrying anyone--except his Mom--my ex. It was cool with my parents, sisters, etc--as were any cultural differences. In fact they embraced her, had a lovely wedding shower for her. Her parents and mine communicated together  outside of our immediete knowledge, forming their own respectful , if distant friendship. In fact my Mom even told my wife that if I ever did anything bad to her to call her right away! (no calls up there yet!) Her dad said that if she wasn't happy, I should send her home--and she's still here!

We did get a couple comments--in over four years now together--saying things to the effect -'is she his daughter?" but from total strangers each time.

I am sure people talk behind us, but that's just human nature. I don't let it get to me and neither dooes my wife. although she's protective and a very sensitive person. I trell her "if those people weren't miserable--they'd be miserable!" Some people just strive on having to find something that makes them miserable and a reason for them to say nasty things. In a sad way, it makes them feel better, more powerful perhaps.

Back in the RP, it's kind of hard to gauge it all to me, but everyone's been quite nice. If I was a young filipino guy, maybe I'd be annoyed that this gringo kano (ME) took a sweet, welll educated filipina out of the 'race' there, but that's just a guess. The more I get to know the Filipino mind and clture, the less I realize I know. Maybe that observation should extend to women in general....

Anyways, these are still 'the good old days' my wife are living--just here and now, in real time. We are together--a unit --and we can observe and laugh at what others might do and say and then blow it off, knowing that they aren't going to screw with our minds...

[Ray]

Robert,

Personally, I simply don’t think about it.

Life is too short to ever worry about what strange fat ladies think of you and a relationship that they have absolutely no personal knowledge of.

In 33 years of marriage to Filipinas, I have had very, very few (2-3?) negative comments, either here or in the PI, and those were invariably from some pea-brain moron who’s opinion doesn’t mean anything to me anyway.

Ray

[Jeff S]

Life is too short to ever worry about what strange fat ladies think of you and a relationship that they have absolutely no personal knowledge of.

[Capstone]

My experiences with what other people think of my wife and I have been very positive. All of my family, friends and coworkers have been very supportive of my marriage and have welcomed my wife with open arms. The same holds true in China, all of my wife's family and friends have been extremely supportive as well - in the beginning some of her friends were very surprised to learn that she had an American boyfriend when they first learned about it but were supportive none the less.

The only sort of negative comment that I have ever heard was from a taxi driver in Beijing. When he learned that we were engaged he proceeded to warn my wife (then fiancée) that all western men were hung like horses, complete with hand gestures to convey said lengths (true story)!! But I took that incident as more amusement than something negative.

[robert angel]

My wife works for the school system here, has worked a couple other places and at each, they just think the world of her--it's almost embarrassing how they go on and on. She's never late, never shrugs off duties and never gossips. She decided not to work as a computer engineer, because she loves working with kids--not machines, even though all her credits and degree were accepted here. A lot of money lost there, but you can't price happiness.

My first wife was an RN, made fairly big money, but was miserable.

I have seen alot of places of work that really like to hire Filipinas--they sense these people want to work and have values.

In the schools, Teachers generally love the Asian and Indian (also part of Asia) students in their classes.

In fact, the Teachers often cringe at the thought of having to phone home in the rare occasion (usually English--Language Arts)  a student is struggling, as the rules require. They know that the student's parents may give that kid hell because a Teacher 'had to call'.

[Bear]

In the achieves I've posted a few incidents where individuals have made comments that were out of place.  I know my "gay" sister warned me not to take advantage of her (where I immediately told her that is why people get married to take mutual advantage of each other).  My mother thinks Honey is very immature yet, but also thinks shes a wonderful person and great mother to her children.  I get odd winks occasionally from acquaintances and coworkers who think I'm a sex pervert but anyone who knows me knows that's a lie and Honey loves being called a trophy wife.  Yesterday I saw a guy in the Walmart who must be Filipino, look at my wife, then me and then our children and shake his head?  I've had a woman make false claims about me and several other Fil-Am couples when we went boating in Alabama (must have been divorced for a younger woman).

I have learned to ignore all of it and think its odd that there are people who believe they have the right to insert themselves in to other peoples lives like they for some reason know better.  I have myself in the recent past tried to do likewise when I saw a girl being verbally abused and ridiculed (very loudly) by her husband just to find out my efforts weren't appreciated or wanted by the woman.

The Bear Family

[robert angel]

Regarding >>>I have learned to ignore all of it and think its odd that there are people who believe they have the right to insert themselves in to other peoples lives like they for some reason know better.  I have myself in the recent past tried to do likewise when I saw a girl being verbally abused and ridiculed (very loudly) by her husband just to find out my efforts weren't appreciated or wanted by the woman.<<<

How true! I can  remember being in crowded chatrooms and a half dozen or so Filipinas  really arguing hot and heavy. I was almost as if I expected to see hair, cat fur, spit and feathers to come flying out  of my computer monitor.

I would try and bring peace and civility to the group and room, but they would stop at my 'intrusion'  and seemingly forget what they were arguing so vehemently about and attack ME in unison instead! NOT the way to bring peace and probably not a good idea to even try getting involved...

[Bear]

In fact, the Teachers often cringe at the thought of having to phone home in the rare occasion (usually English--Language Arts)  a student is struggling, as the rules require. They know that the student's parents may give that kid hell because a Teacher 'had to call'.

You must know my wife.  I feel so sorry sometimes because he is the #1 student at the in school.  I watched him get chewed all over the place for making a 92 on a test a few weeks back?  He is on High Honor role and made the Principle's List and he gets punished for making a 92!?  Glad she ain't my Mom.

The Bear Family

[robert angel]

Yup--it's usually the parents from India we're most afraid of though. Although they often have English language proficiency issues that make their children's seem very minimal, we're afraid they'll burn or beat their kids if a Teacher ever calls home and 'disgraces' the household. Then we have to report them and that makes it even worse.

It's a different dynamic with most of the other ethnic groups--kind of hard to explain--believe it or not, I'm at a loss for words. Might be that with most Filipino kids, I see that they're more self motivated and the pressure isn't as high at home--the kids perform satisfactorily enough.

Sounds like your wife's more intense than most in not being satisfied with a 92, BUT a lot of parents feel that a child should 'always do their best' and maybe she genuinely felt her child was not putting out 100%.

I have boys, one just turned 13, the other's 18--one's 7th grade, the other 1st year college. Though half Filipino and even though their Mom and I are both classified as 'professionals', the boys kind of have it their way. They've earned their ways into the best schools/academies, but they're slackers.
 
My current (2nd) wife can't understand why unlike kids with educational and other opportunities back home, my sons don't  really give their all, they are reluctant to do chores and are afraid of almost nothing. It's awful and very unfamiliar to her.

If there was one thing I think could break us up--it would be my sons being so much different than the kids she thinks she could raise herself in the USA. She uses an RP measuring system to USA raised kids and it just isn't the same. I think the strain kids from a previous marriage can create on a 2nd marriage would be a great topic here.

I was  a slacker too--until I got into college and realized it was 'for real'--they didn't care if I failed or skipped--as long as I paid until they kicked me out a lot later. Maybe it's karma.

Looks like my older son is now taking college seriously and at a tough University at that, is nailing down grades good enough that if he keeps it up, the state will pay for books and tuition and maybe he'll be in law school in 3 years. My 13 y/o is not landing on academic probation,(yet) but he's wayy too "American'--more into down loading music and video games than books. I recently took away his free computer time because he was abusing it. He'll maybe get it back in a couple months.

I have created--allowed this and take my share of responsibility, but I have seen more than my share of kids with great parents who nonetheless screwed up big time, especially in adolescence. It's very easy to lose a kid in the mainstream American society--school system. It's very, very hard for a traditionally raised Filipina to fathom or tolerate.

[fathertime]

I have learned to ignore all of it and think its odd that there are people who believe they have the right to insert themselves in to other peoples lives like they for some reason know better.  I have myself in the recent past tried to do likewise when I saw a girl being verbally abused and ridiculed (very loudly) by her husband just to find out my efforts weren't appreciated or wanted by the woman.

The Bear Family

Hey Bear!

You did the right thing by intervening, so you got kicked in the ass for trying to be a peacemaker, not a big deal. 

I've seen too often people stand by and be too tentative to take action (hard to blame women and old people).  There is a happy medium somewhere, where you gently intervene without being insulting to either of the parties, if that doesn't not work and the situation warrents you can always call the cops and hope they arrive quickly.  Standing by and watching is just not an option for a full grown man.  Although it goes against the mafia code, sometimes you have to put yourself in a little jeapardy for strangers to do the right thing.  At least that is what I think.
Fathertime!

[jm21-2]

Lol, reading these posts about education reminded me of something. The Taiwanese girl I'm going to meet went to some of the best schools there and starting in middle school they would beat the students who scored low on exams. She thought it would be cool to have her kids go to a 'lenient' school were they aren't routinely beaten. Totally different attitude towards education...

There is a new documentary out about the education system called "the war on kids" that looks good.

[TurboSS]

I am only going to meet her for the first time but it was so hard telling people why I am going to China.  The reactions have been mixed and fairly predictable.  Most people i know are definitely not comfortable with it and I am sure they are talking behind my back.       My dad says I am crazy but he is slowly getting on board.  He says he probably did some stuff that his parents thought were crazy as well.  I know if it works out well he will become fully supportive.

I only had one friend really criticize me and the funny thing is he is half filippino.  His dad was a GI and married his mom and brought her to the US.  He thinks I am crazy for doing it and says its just ridiculous. 

So its been a tough past few months telling everyone in my life that is closest to me.  And I know now some of them look at me differently but to me its worth it.

[william3rd]

When I got engaged to my son's mom complete with village marriage ceremony-nonbinding- I didnt tell anybody I was doing it. All folks knew is that I had been to thailand several times- probably chasing hookers, I am sure they thought. They didnt realize that I was learning the country, the food, the legends, the customs. I traveled from the northern and eastern parts  Issarn down to the furthest parts of southern pattani.

[robert angel]

Turbo--"Don't let the bastards grind you down"

(My shortest post yet!)

[Dave H]

I was wondering --What kind of reactions you married guys get both here and abroad after marrying your wives? I would imagine this has been discused and is in the archives herem buried, but I'm too lazy to look and for the unmarried, I think this might be a good topic.

Hey Rob,


In the US

No problem with my family. From my Latina ex and her mother...

I would occasionally get evil looks from femNazis. I would stare back and laugh...they would walk away in a huff!

My wife would sometimes get disgusted looks from Latinas since she is around 100 pounds and the size 3 jeans they are overflowing would fall off of her.

In the Philippines

Filipino men could care less.

Some young ladies working at stores give me a big smile...until they see my wife. Then she often gets an attitude since many are jealous and desperately want a Kano.

A bigger issue here is in service situations. Many people want to carry our bags,  packages, try to inflate prices, etc. or want money. They don't hassle my wife when she is alone.

Dave

[Nathan]

Hi-

  Ray said it best...

   "Life is too short to ever worry about what strange fat ladies think of you and a relationship that they have absolutely no personal knowledge of."



Nathan

[Dave H]

Hi-

  Ray said it best...

   "Life is too short to ever worry about what strange fat ladies think of you and a relationship that they have absolutely no personal knowledge of."



Nathan

Yep, it is best not to ever worry about it! Once my wife was handed a business card from an old church lady. Just in case she needed to call to escape from her controlling, deranged American husband. We had a good laugh! Compared to most other parts of the world,  American husbands are pussycats.

Dave

[bcc_1_2]

two 20 something people are out getting dinner, shopping or whatever. one's a white dude and the girl looks latin. they both speak english. how'd they know if she was born here or moved here 3 months ago (unless they are paying close attention and listening to her speak)? I just don't think it will be all that obvious to those that don't know because they've been informed.

Well I guess they could look at her and say she is too pretty to have been in the USA longer than a few months? 

[piglett]

I wonder what reaction i will get from the people up here in rural New Hampshire.
Not many pinays around these parts.


piglett

[Bob_S]

Well I guess they could look at her and say she is too pretty to have been in the USA longer than a few months? 

If she's not obese, obviously she's not local.

[robert angel]

As per Dave's-->> Once my wife was handed a business card from an old church lady. Just in case she needed to call to escape from her controlling, deranged American husband. We had a good laugh!<<

Haha--This brought back a memory--a while after my wife had just been in the USA a few months, we were looking at racks of clothes at a store, but not too close to each other.

Some weird woman approached my wife and said to her that she had a 'sense' that she was in danger--that I was holding her against her will. She tried to give my wife her phone # and even said she had helped other women out in similar circumstances and would 'rescue' her!

My wife was flabbergasted and actually at a loss for words. My wife has great disdain for those who don't mind their own business. She looks a lot younger than she actually is and then again IS a lot younger than me--and regarding hair--let's just say I'm 'follically challenged' on top, which doesn't help.

No one has ever said I look like 'chester the molester' or any such thing though--I get too many hugs and kisses from people I work with, my wife feels in fact. THAT was about the most bizarre thing that's ever happened. The few other piddling comments have been by people unknown to us, simply overheard mutterings of people--strangers who must not have lives enriching enough to keep them sufficiently happy and busy.

If my wife ever felt in danger--she'd call my Mom and sisters FIRST and then her friends--maybe not even her friends, as she's very private, yet friendly and kind to everyone--laughs all the time--especially on the phone w/ another Filipina where her volume goes up tenfold and she laughs almost unstop--while I can't understand a word of her machine gun fast Visayan dialect. BUT--in everyday life--she's all about respect.

For you new guys--with most Asian women--you can argue and have fallings out and make up repeatedly, but once she loses respect for you, your marriage is about as good as toast on a stick....

There are hundreds--probably over a thousand  Filipinos where we live and supposedly over 50,000 more Filipinos a couple hours away from us in Jacksonville, Florida.

My wife counts THREE Filipinas in our city as friends -- LADIES who she calls fairly regularly and the rest are people she's aware of and 'cordial' to. There's such a nasty amount of gossiping coming from often materialistic people--many in the Fil-Am club, who act holier than thou and she just doesn't want to get caught up in that.

She works for the Asian Festival each year and we might rarely go to a function rarely, but we'd rather go out with another couple or two who we know well and be much more comfortable.

[Ray]

If she's not obese, obviously she's not local.

Good point Bob! 


Local...     


Foreign...

[piglett]

For you new guys--with most Asian women--you can argue and have fallings out and make up repeatedly, but once she loses respect for you, your marriage is about as good as toast on a stick....

Ok I'll change the direction of what's going on here
What sort of things would make her loose respect for you??
Also do you care to tell us what you have argued about ?
I'm not trying to get too personal but it would be good for some of us guys to have a good idea of what we can & can't get away with.


piglett

[robert angel]

Piglett,

Since you asked--as I have mentioned, a woman who marries a man who has kids can marry into a situation that is more difficult than she realizes. I went to great pains to explain to my wife beforehand that my two sons were very different than typical Philippine raised boys--Pinoys--certainly different than kids raised in  the remote provinces.

Over the years before we married, I tried to tell her about any so called bad habits, tendencies and such of mine that I could think of. I did this to the point of even slightly exaggerating sometimes. I didn't want her to say "OMG--he yells at his kids and they talk back!!" or "Oh my--he likes to be on line for hours sometimes". She knew I was not "Mr Neat and organized" and she accepted all of this and more, although no  woman likes to clean up constantly behind three guys...

It's a huge mistake to marry someone in whom you see even a couple bad characteristics, thinking 'Oh well, after we marry, I'll change--fix that and THEN it'll be OK". Better to see and acknowledge the 'characteristics' beforehand and live with them. Discuss EVERYTHING--sex, money--religion, etc--beforehand.

MY sons are spoiled and I take exasperated ownership and responsibility for what I, and their mom have jointly created. Lack of clear communication allows the boys to play one parent off of another, despite me delicately taking legal action. The boys have been from Asia to Alaska,, Key West to Kalamazoo, Toronto to Tennessee and many more places. They would rather fly than drive two hours and love fine restaurants. They have every game platform known to man. They know the price of everything and the value of nothing.

Unlike my wife and her siblings, who were up in the AM before their parents, cooking breakfast, then eating together and then cleaning up--it's an ongoing battle to get my sons to do chores. My wife grew up with little. Even though her father was Barangay Captain for most of the years her and her 6 siblings were growing up--they didn't have, or covet, material things. It was all about family--working together--giving instead of receiving and RESPECT. It was about education.

 I think the boys will be successful in life eventually on their own, because they know the gravy train won't last forever and they want a good life. It doesn't help that with the things my sons have that hey see peers every day who's parents have bestowed upon them new BMWs, Mercedes, designer everything and more. My son's don't moan and groan about that, but to my wife, who was happy to get a single pair of new shoes, she still can't fathom why my sons don't realize how good they have it.

But--I don't care how many people claim to what degree that life after living in the USA for a number of years isn't going to change them--it does change Filipinas. My wife still has the core values she was raised with and the changes are rather minimal.

My sons, ages 13 and 18, are the single largest strain on our marriage and she's quick to acknowledge that and she doesn't feel it's her role to discipline--raise them--they already have a mother to do that and she's loathe to step in there when they have a mom, despite the overall situation, It's about respect once again.

Regarding 'respect' and Asians, generally speaking, I think if a traditional Filipina lives in the USA and  comes to see her USA husband as "Tiger Woods" philanderer or drug -alcohol abuser, she's likely to lose respect. Living in a culture where there are  bill boards are around,  offering 'DIVORCE for $95" and plenty of Filipinas gone wild, offering unsolicited advice, she's not going to stick around, especially if she doesn't have kids with the bum. At the same time, I think most Filipinas--if you chose right, will offer forgiveness initially, but if things aren't remedied, their patience will wear thin.

So--the problems that have exasperated me by and large have to do with my sons and my wife still trying to apply a traditional Filipino cultural yardstick (meter stick) to their behaviors. They are charming, popular boys, respectful to elders and they manage to stay in the best schools w/o knocking themselves out trying. They choose good people as friends and love their family.

Other things? They're few really. My wife wants to go to bed when SHE's ready--often early- and after she's done with Facebook--online activity or after one of her favorite TV programs is over.  She wants me in bed at the same time, when actually I might be busy around the house. We work it out.

She wants 'quality time' and attention and deservedly so. If I want to go out with the guys, go fishing, etc--I have to balance that. That's what married life's all about--'balance'.

Don't ever buy into that crapola "I'm a simple Filipina" there's NO such thing as a simple Filipina, unless she's really low on the IQ scale. Even if you think her reasons for being in a tampo mindest or down right bitchy or otherwise upset are LAUGHABLE, don't laugh. Silly and unreasonable as they might seem, those feelings are as real as rain to her and you have to acknowledge and accept them.

My wife quietly expects me to set rules and tell her 'No you can't go out with your friends and eat dried fish--we're going somewhere else" and such. It's about roles and respect. She's younger and expects that I will exercise wisdom and direction. Yet, in many ways, she's more mature and grounded than AW twice her age. She's impossible to fully describe--predictable in many ways, paradoxical in others.

The IMPORTANT thing is that she COMMUNICATES her feelings to me, although sometimes it's hard for her to articulate them. I have to sense what she's feeling sometimes and above all, give her 'special TIME and individual attention. She was (is)amazed at despite how much longer summer days are here in the USA, how little human interaction and meaningful human contact between families and neighbors occurs. Back home. w/o multimedia distractions, everyone working outside the home and a million other things, conversations, eating as a family--just more meaningful interactions--occur. My wife would notice how while we live in a lovely neighborhood with a swimming pool, tennis, basketball and a clubhouse--we don't know hardly any of our neighbors!

It sure as hell isn't the barangay! Most of you have probably noticed that in the RP--city or country--the days seem longer and more meaningful. Time isn't as big a deal and interpersonal interactions at all levels seem more common

it's crazy, but when she's upset or joyously happy--the response that's almost always called for is the same--ATTENTION. She wants cuddling, being close--overt or subtle communication or even more. It's hilarious and exasperating for us to lay in bed, awake and silent for an hour or two, her being distant after we've had some argument (rare) , when all of a sudden, as I'm finally drifting off to sleep, she says "You're NOT going to hug me???"

There are other, more nit picky things--things that in the big picture don't matter as much, but are still factors in our marriage. We are very different in many ways, and she feels that makes our marriage stronger. I've written more than enough. I imagine some of you can relate

I really hope this helps--even if just ONE person--helps someone.  I imagine many of you guys can relate--that I'm not alone here. Marriage is like a car--it takes work and maintenance to keep it running right!

[jm21-2]

From what I've read here the roles and respect thing seems to apply more to Filipinas than other Asian women. Obviously if your wife has no respect for you, from any culture, you're up [snip] creek, but from everything written on this board the whole "being a man and making the rules" seems much more important to Filipinas.

It also seems like, and please correct me if I'm wrong here, that Filipinas expect the man to maintain respectable status and if he loses it then she'll walk all over him. I think Chinese girls, for example, would probably try to whip the guy into shape and if it was too exasperating kick him to the curb. I guess more of a sense that it's part of the wife's job to keep the husband respectable and keep the family from looking bad.