Filipina mom problems

[Justkeepthatinmind]

Hi and if you are reading this then thanks.I am having some trouble with my soon to be mother in law and I will do my best to explain the situation.....

See me and my fiancee have been together for 2 years now.We are very much in love and make a great couple.We avoid the big problems until now,but I expected it to come sooner or later.

We have been together and her mother has shown that she has no problems with us being together....Well that is until I asked her daughter to marry me.Then she starts to come out with all these problems she has with our relationship but possibly had before the proposal.

She wants us to get married outside the Philippines so that if her daughter regrets it,she can get a divorce.(My fiancee refuses because she wants to be married in her hometown.)She raised her daughter to be against divorce so much,and yet when she wants to get married acts like this?

Her mother does not like the fact that I am not a Filipino,and even though she has never said it directly,she makes it obvious in other ways.She makes it obvious by the way she think that just because I am a foreigner it means divorce or it means I will cheat.Christ,its not like all Filipino guys are 100% faithful all the time.

I dunno what to do,to this point she has not been to intrusive but I am afraid she will become intrusive and try to make our lives hell.My fiancee wants to be a good daughter but is willing to defy her mom to marry me and be happy with me.I just dont want to be the cause of such a rift.

We plan to live in the Philippines but not on the same island as her mom.I am sorry for such a long post but,any suggestions? What can I do? I dont want to tear their family apart.

[piglett]

Well it sounds like you may have to sit the soon to be mother in-law down & explain to her that you & your bride   to be ARE getting married in the philippines & if does not wish to attend than she will be missed but the wedding is still going to take place.

It sounds like the girls mother is the rift.
maybe that will change once you are married , or maybe it will not.

Living on a different island sounds like a good plan too. that way you don't have to worry about your mother in-law
always being over at your house stirring up things

just my take on things ....good luck
piglett

[Bear]

I think you are just beginning to see her mothers true face.  Its something you'll have to deal with many times over many topics.   You'll win some and lose some.  I think this time she'll lose.  I don't think this is just particular to the Filipino culture and might happen just about anywhere you go - MILs are MILs. 

How you react/respond is what will make your life the heaven or hell you expect.  The most important thing is to satisfy and support your wife and her needs/expectations.  The wedding day is one the most important in a girls life and she just learned her mother intends to ruin it. 

Honestly other than having a heart to heart with her mother to ease some of her concerns there isn't much you can do other than be supportive of your fiancees needs.  I dealt with a similar problem, my wife's family would not let Honey invite many/most of her friends, including her best friend to our wedding.  They pretty much dictated much of the wedding for their purpose in the community?!  Never really found out why.  But it made the first few years of my marriage work because Honey was so mad at them there was no way she'd even consider going home, which left only me - when there were problems she/we had to work it out.  You might be getting the same break.

The rule in "The Bear Family Home" is "Act, don't react!".  It means don't let others define you my making to react to someting but think things through and act according to your life's needs and plans.  Emotions are the things that makes you the person you are but horrible reasons for the things you do.  Praise your girlfriend for how she deals with this and help her plan your life together - do not react to you MIL's.  Dealing with things like this is "just life".  I'm sure you can find a zillion encouraging and supportive things to support and comfort your girlfiend while she decides this end of this chapter of her life.  If she wants you to decide (and that is a good possibility) then listen to what she upset about and and what she wants and expects and then 'tell' her "we'll do it your way" and do it - from that point on all decisions about that go through you.  This takes her family out of the equations and she can say "He told me this is what we will do" and they will no longer have a say because you are deciding (actually your girlfriend is but it's coming out of your mouth).  This will actually allow your girlfriend some honor through the situation instead of looking like a disobedient child.

Congratulations on your engagement and upcoming marriage!  BTW, I commend you for marrying there because it gives that part of her life closure in front of her friends and family and allows her to start her life with you having seen the end and beginnings she expected.  It will give her more confidence to be your wife.

The Bear Family

[Ray]

Where’s dad? Is he living?

How did you meet your girl?

Have you met with mom already?

If there is no dad, then I think you need to talk with her older brother if she has one, or older sister. If you can get on the good side of brother or sister, he/she can possibly intervene and negotiate with mom on your behalf.

It sounds like mom’s problem might be something much deeper than what she shows on the surface. Someone needs to draw her out, but not you. Try not to come between mom and daughter if at all possible. And please don’t listen to piglett when he tells you to sit mom down and lecture her! I’m sure he means well, but that tactic will not work over there.

For mom’s information, being married overseas has nothing to do with her daughter being able to get a divorce later. If she marries a foreigner, whether it’s in the Philippines or not, Philippine law will recognize a foreign divorce in the marriage, but ONLY if the foreign partner initiates the filing. That’s the only time a Filipino national can legally divorce under Philippine law (unless they are Muslim). But foreign divorces will be recognized in most all other countries anyway.

Ray

[Justkeepthatinmind]

Hi everyone and thanks for the advice.Well Piglet as much as I would like to do that,I have based a lot of my things around being kind to her family but at the same time respecting myself.I want them to understand the wedding will go through but not be so rough with them,it might make things worse than they are now.

Bear I have been trying to do this.I have been keeping her comforted,she wants to keep talking about me but I tell her I am fine,focus on herself.I am trying to be kind to her mum still and I think a lot of it has to do with doing the things she never did.Its important for her to make us get married in church,my wife wants something simple,but her mother ensists on extravagance(well not really but you get the idea.)Her mother was never married in a church and her family gave them a hard time about it.

Thanks for the wishes and yes it was her wish to marry there so I said it is fine.I need to start looking for houses anyway.

Ray her father is there but is pretty much just a corpse.He makes no decisions and I have never seen her mother and father so much as look at each other.They rarely speak,I recall being there when her mum was really sick and her father would not allow her to go to the hospital for money.I think I will have to talk to her older brother.

I told her I did not want to come between her and her family and the last thing I wanted to do was start problems between them.I told her if she needs to talk to her mum without me,It is fine.

I am trying to find out about marriage there now(what documents I need).I will let her know that fact,it might be pretty interesting to say.

[Ray]

If dad is out of the picture then do try to get in good with her oldest brother. If he approves, maybe he can convince mom, if anyone can.

A Filipino church wedding is traditional and does seem extravagant to us, but it doesn’t have to be very expensive. If finances are problem, you could have a nice wedding and house reception for a few hundred dollars by cutting costs. In a small to medium-sized city, a full-blown church wedding and reception might run you a few thousand or so but is well worth the cost.

Is she Catholic? If you are going to marry in the Catholic Church, there are some factors to consider. Are you a baptized Catholic? Were you a baptized in any Christian faith? Were you married in the Church before?

She should start with the Church office where she will marry and they will fill her in on all the requirements. She will need a fresh copy of her baptismal certificate, (confirmation certificate) and birth certificate for starters. Depending on the jurisdiction, you may or may not be required to be a baptized Catholic to marry in the Church. They may be able to bend the rules considerably and save you some time if you will be traveling from overseas for the wedding. The key is proper planning as far in advance as is practical.

You will need copies of any divorce decrees and an affidavit executed at the US Consulate in the Philippines for a civil wedding. For a church ceremony, you will need additional documentation.

How old is your fiancée? Keep in mind that if she is under 25, she will require parental consent/advice when you apply for a marriage license.

If worse comes to worse, you could always elope and have a small ceremony somewhere else. That may be a lot better than having mom cause a big scene at home.

Ray

[piglett]

 And please don’t listen to piglett when he tells you to sit mom down and lecture her! I’m sure he means well, but that tactic will not work over there.

I wasn't trying to say lecture her , i was saying set her down I say "this is how it's going to be like it or lump it"
maybe this wouldn't be the best tactic but i am not a big fan of the of the way the soon to be mother in-law is
basically saying that you are going to run around like a dog in heat on her daughter & that the marriage is going to end in divorce. Because of this i have much less respect for her (the mother in-law) & i am less worried about offending her .

I can only form an opinion of this woman with the infomation that you have provided
after all i have never met her, but you have.
maybe just you & her sitting down over a cup of coffee or tea & you letting her know that she has nothing to worry about because you love her daughter & you are willing to do WHATEVER it takes to make this marriage work.
like i said i have never met her so i am just randomly throwing things out .

the good news is that with everyone weighing in on this someone is bound to say something that "clicks" with you & you'll know what to do to resolve this matter so you can go forward.

piglett

[Bear]

There is a lot to this culture that is very different than ours that even though I've been part of it 9 years I still get surprised by.  Maybe if I lived there a while I'd understand better.  I do know family means a lot is very strong and although you are engaged that conversion for her from them to you hasn't and won't probably occur until she feels secure with you.  When family puts pressure on her to change/give up her dreams it is really quite hard on her because she wants to move on with you just not sure how it will affect that security she has.  Anything you can do to help her family be more comfortable with you is good and try hard to get her to communicate what she is expecting.  I have seen girls who see their husbands as weak and not be very supportive so it is important to help her see you will do what it takes to get her to where she wants to be.  Don't be a wimp about it, security is important.

The Bear Family

[Ray]

I wasn't trying to say lecture her , i was saying set her down I say "this is how it's going to be like it or lump it"

I don't know pig, that sounds like a lecture to me. 

Using that tactic may make YOU feel better, but the damage done within the family may be irreparable. You would only be confirming mom’s worst fears about foreign men, while adding a strong dose of arrogance and outright disrespect to your portfolio.

In the Philippines, when two people are in love and want to marry, but do not have the blessing of the parent/parents, they simply elope. Instead of getting in mom's face and telling her "this is how it's going to be like it or lump it", they would simply sneak off quietly and have a small private wedding ceremony without mom's knowledge or permission. That way, the family relationship can still possibly be repaired over time.

Even if she is "underage" and requires parental consent, she can still obtain a marriage license but with an additional 3-month waiting period. Note also that if dad gives his written permission, then mom's isn't needed because the father's consent takes precedent over the mother's under Philippine law.

Ray

[GatoAzul]

Whatever you and your fiancee do - it is none of her mother's or your mother's business.  It is as long as you both are getting married reasonably.

It is your and your fiancee's happiness!   Your fiancee's mother will have to learn to accept that you are going to get married with her at your and your fiancee's request.

Her mother should be grateful that you are planning to live in the Phillipines (other island) when most men would have taken ladies away from the country!

I hope the problems will be sorted out as soon as possible.

[Ray]

Whatever you and your fiancee do - it is none of her mother's or your mother's business.

WRONG! Under Philippine law, it IS the parents' business, if either party is under the age of 25.

Question: Why don't you stop this charade and post under your original handle "UKCaliumbo"? What are you hiding?

[GatoAzul]

WRONG! Under Philippine law, it IS the parents' business, if either party is under the age of 25.

Question: Why don't you stop this charade and post under your original handle "UKCaliumbo"? What are you hiding?

Ray, it is none of your business who I was - whether it was UkCaliumbo or Herbags, or Rayloser in my previous name.  I am not hiding anything at all.  I have already inform Dan who I was,  That's good enough for me.  as for you, it is NONE of your damn business.

[Justkeepthatinmind]

Ray I talked to her oldest brother today and he said he would look into it.Me and him get on pretty well.He said he would try but could not promise results.

Yeah the thing is my fiancee does not want a church wedding because she never dreamed of that sort of wedding and neither do I.While we are both Catholic,its in name only.I have not been to church in who knows when.We both wanted a small wedding among friends until her mum said she does not want it.We both decided to attempt to go ahead with a small wedding next time I round up the cash to go.

Piglett,you had a good idea but her mum is the kind of person who will completely shut down under pressure.Its likely she would just hate me for doing that.I have told her many times how I feel but most times I dunno if she listens.

Bear I am giving her support right now.I try to show that I can handle it and its not a big problem.It gets a little much but I handle it as well as can be expected.Better than most people I would say(I'm not bragging).I am in this culture for 2 years and I think I am just starting to scratch the surface....

[Bear]

Its what I always tell my wife.  "'Its life.'  If you think this one is tough wait till the next one."  Some times I just want to smile cause I can't believe I was right (thats just before I cry, of course!!).

The Bear Family

[Ray]

UKCaliumbo AKA GatoAzul,

When you post here under multiple identities, it becomes EVERYONE'S business.

And those who attempt to secretly post under multiple screen names ALWAYS have something to hide...

[Jeff S]

Ray I talked to her oldest brother today and he said he would look into it.Me and him get on pretty well.He said he would try but could not promise results.

That sounds like a good sign.

[stevjulietb]

I think I would take my time, maybe life will help you out.  Something will come up and show you, your path out of the problem.  Is that acting or reacting?

Steveb

[Bear]

If its out of a plan, for a principle, or to obtain a certain goal its acting.  If its pure response to stimuli, its reacting.

The Bear Family

[Bob_S]

Its important for her to make us get married in church,my wife wants something simple,but her mother ensists on extravagance(well not really but you get the idea.)Her mother was never married in a church and her family gave them a hard time about it.

...her father is there but is pretty much just a corpse.He makes no decisions and I have never seen her mother and father so much as look at each other.They rarely speak,I recall being there when her mum was really sick and her father would not allow her to go to the hospital for money.

Ah, all the pieces are falling into place.  It makes sense now.  Her mother is, what do they call it, projecting?  Transferring?  Her mother never had the big fancy wedding, so she wants that fairy tale for her daughter.  Her mother is trapped in a loveless marriage with a cruel unloving man, so she doesn't want her daughter to be trapped in that same situation.  She wants her to have a way out that she herself doesn't have.  Pretty sad, really.

Sitting down your future MIL and reading her the riot act, telling her how it's gonna be won't make her feel any better.  She'll just look at you as just another bully, like the guy she's married to.  She needs to see that you are different, better.  Your biggest weapon will be how you behave toward her daughter in front of her.  But it will take time to win her over because you are trying to undo decades of "husbands are cruel bastards" she has experienced.

[Justkeepthatinmind]

Ah, all the pieces are falling into place.  It makes sense now.  Her mother is, what do they call it, projecting?  Transferring?  Her mother never had the big fancy wedding, so she wants that fairy tale for her daughter.  Her mother is trapped in a loveless marriage with a cruel unloving man, so she doesn't want her daughter to be trapped in that same situation.  She wants her to have a way out that she herself doesn't have.  Pretty sad, really.

Sitting down your future MIL and reading her the riot act, telling her how it's gonna be won't make her feel any better.  She'll just look at you as just another bully, like the guy she's married to.  She needs to see that you are different, better.  Your biggest weapon will be how you behave toward her daughter in front of her.  But it will take time to win her over because you are trying to undo decades of "husbands are cruel bastards" she has experienced.

I have been doing this and then some.I do silly little things that I would never consider before.I even learned how to speak my wifes dialect just to be able to talk to her mother better.I have treated everyone in her family considerably nice.The only thing I can think of is that she thinks I am faking being nice? I dunno really,I have been nice even when she gave me a hard time but not in a way to make her think she can treat me however she wants.

Things get better,then stall,then take 2 steps back.The cycle repeats itself but I can do nothing at the moment until I can get back to the Philippines to do something.

[Staggo]

I am just happy my mahal took my name lol.  Sorry to rain on the thread, but...MIL will always be MIL.  Make peace with her or your life will be Hell.  Just a warning from experience lol.