Anyone want to roll the dice?

[Researcher]

 
 
They say that a person is more likely to get struck by lightening
than to win Powerball lottery. As far as odds go, you'd be better off
putting the money spent on a lotto ticket in a slot machine in Vegas.
Why am I writing about odds and gambling on PL? Because after
spending alot of time looking for the right woman and seeing other
guys fail and succeed, I believe alot of questions can be answered
by looking at one thing: risk.
        I'll start out by saying I believe that marrying a foreign woman is
a risky endeavor no matter what you do but over the years I learned
ways to reduce the risk of finding someone and then have it not
work out. Most of this I learned from the experiences of others and
making mistakes myself. 
        Probably the riskiest situation I’ve seen is when a guy can’t speak
a word of Spanish, makes one trip to Colombia, meets only a few women,
chooses a much younger woman that doesn’t speak a word of English and
asks her to marry him before he returns home.Also, he is less than average
looking and she is very attractive.Can this situation work out? Sure, anything
is possible, but what are the odds?
        I think that not knowing someone well enough is the biggest risk factor.
Not speaking the same language and rushing into a relationship are probably
the biggest reasons that relationships with foreign women fail. I've seen so many
guys rush into a relationship thinking that they will get to know a woman while the visa is being processed. Then by the time the visa is approved they feel like they are
"invested" in the relationship and decide to proceed even when they see many
red flags.I know this feeling because I have been there myself. I walked away
from a fiance even after the visa was approved.Now, I ended it before she
came to the US but it wasn't an easy decision to make.
         Alot of discussions here on PL deal with the very same issues mentioned
above. Some guys will argue that speaking the same language doesn't matter,
the big age difference is no problem or they will say "I didn't know much about
my wife before we married and it worked for me".Others will disagree and say
it is a bad idea, which only confuses someone new to this.
         So the point of this long post is to ask the following questions to anyone that
wants to answer:
1)What are the risk factors involved when looking for a foreign woman?
2)Which factors are the riskiest?
3)What are the most common risks that guys take?
4)Which risk factors are guys most unaware of?
5)What are some ways to reduce the risks involved in this process?
          The only reason I am asking is that I hope to help the newbies
gain a little more clarity to this process.I am not trying to talk anyone out of looking for a foreign woman I just want to bring awareness to the risks involved, because in the end every guy will make his own decisions no matter what is said here.

 Researcher

[Jeff S]

I thinks such discussions are meaningless. We're talking about one person meeting one person here, not a series of odds. I married a foreign woman who's very attractive from a very well off family who spoke almost no English when we met. She's the first person who I ever asked to marry me, so my odds are 100%. My wife's sister has married three foreign men and two local men, and has divorced all five. Her odds are 0%. I'd stick my neck out and say for any given person going abroad and finding another given person, the odds will be somewhere in-between hers and mine. Any further analysis is pure speculation. If you are 70, fat bald and poor and she is young and attractive and you never met in person, you could get lucky and have it work out. (it has for posters on this board.) If you are 2 years older then she, are both 8s on a scale of 1 to 10, both have common interests, have spent six moths together, you could get unlucky and end up in a horrible life changing divorce. It's happened to posters on this board. If we spent more time discussing what ares instead of what ifs, it would make more sense to me. Of course, that's just my opinion. I could be wrong.

[Cbear]

I think it all boils down to how each of you were raised. Look at the environment she grew up in. What does it tell you, how many divorces are in her family, how much respect does she show to her parents and other family members.

Really, if you pick a girl whose mother and father have 2 or 3 ex wives and husbands then she is going to think it a normal way of dealing with a tough situation. If her family has a tight structure with mom and dad still together and in love then she will probably have a strong will to mimic that.

Everyone is a product of their environment. So read the environment she grew up in and also know yourself. If you feel like bailing at the first sign of marital storm then it just isn't gonna work.

[Bear]

Risk is a word that applies someone doesn't really know whats going to happen, might even indicate a "thrill seeker".  I say thats a big mistake.  The easiest thing to do is to get wooed into a comfort zone with cute talk, a little touching, or by a sincere looking smile that might not even be related to you.  I call this being a "stupid".  AMs are so weak when it comes to men of other cultures.  We really do want our wives to be happy and think its our job to make them that way.  This is the awesome thing about AMs that make us the most desired hubands in the world.  But then the stupid part comes to play - we think everyone else, especially the women we know are the same as us when just a little observation shows thats not the reality of this world.  The American culture is the odd one out when it comes to successful marriages, so why do we feel we are right?

If you want success stop what you are doing and write.  What do you want in a wife?  Put it on paper.  If you can conceive it or "wish" it could be true, then write it down.  If you are divorced, then why?  Write it down.  What would have stopped it, what would have made it better?  Write it down.  What do you think is a minimum a wife should do?  Write it down.  Continue like this until you feel as if all of the thoughts of your heart in what a good mate would be like is on paper.  The start formulating questions that would help you make that decision.  Come at it from different points if view, twist it up and try to be confusing.  (I ended up with about 350 questions covering about 25 topics)  When I met a girl she had to be attractive enough that I found something pleasant in looking at her, talking with her, etc.  I'd be honest and say I was "marriage minded" and I thought that doing this sort of thing over long distances was very hard so I intended to ask lots of questions and would she mind?  I even encouraged her to ask her own.  Then I send an email containing a group of questions, mostly about one subject, with one or two of a different topic and at least one that was contrary to things I said in previous discussions.  Once she answered them and I had her answers I gave her my answers and we discussed them.   I had chats/phone calls that lasted hours.  When Honey got the the states I had just over 900 pages of chats and emails I had saved and made into a book.  She thought it was so "romantic and for her it was - for me it gave me a reference when "she changed".

Mostly though I changed one characteristic of myself that I knew had to be done if I ever wanted to be happy.  I had to take charge of my life and stop expecting someone to figure me out and satisfy me.  I told them what I expected, what I wanted and what I was willing to be for the right woman. 

I hear so many guys talk about scammers.  I met only a few and the only reason I believe them to be
scammers is the connection ended when I started asking questions.  I listened to the other posters and asked questions.  I started seeing things and understanding people a lot better than I had before.  I could tell when a woman had something to hide (not meaning a bad choice but not up front or ashamed about some part of their lives).  I never lied or misrepresented myself, making every effort requested to prove my sincerity.  I know if I had met them and started all the touching I'd have made the same mistakes all over again.  So I saw this long distance relationship as an aide that would increase the possibility of success.

Still because in my life I had been hurt so many times, my first wife killed in an auto accident and my second seemingly part of Beelzebub's linage (the devils son) I couldn't lock down on all the things I was learning about those I chatted with.  Honey was clearly a good choice but I almost screwed up with others before I met Honey.  So I prayed about it, actually I didn't just pray I fasted (went one day with out food or water while trying to be reverent and concentrating on the question of my prayer).  I got a answeer that made me look like a porcupine - all the hair on my body seemed to just stick straight out when I got  the exact answer I asked for less that 15 minutes after I ended the fast.

The best advice I can give is...
1) Think it through.  Know what you want.  The slightest doubt is a NO.
2) If its what you want in a marriage the discuss it with her.  If you play a Clinton with the don't ask/don't tell, you are gambling it will never be.  Example, if you feel its important that you wife always perform some function then ask her, tell her, encourage her, reward her-it will happen.
3) Don't be a wimp.  Don't be a jackass either.  You want a bestfriend and the closest confidant in your life.  Someone you will always be able to trust.  Bossing them around is a guarantee that all hard decisions will be yours, also the pain of failure.  I call this the Adam Syndrome because you end up making decisions out of fear of loneliness (the curse HF put on him).  You have to be a FAMILY that works together and makes decisions together with you leading.
4) Reward the behavior you like, try to ignore the stuff you don't; but if its something you won't tolerate, then be man enough to say so.  You'll be surprised how they'll respond.
5) I am forever saying things like "Thank you for marrying me".  "I got the best end of this deal - sorry, I'll make it up to you".  Not a day goes by I don't praise and/or compliment her.  No, I don't let her win every "fight", I get close, hold hands and talk until we make a decision together.  I make the last decision but I usually make it in her favor (and then I get rewarded and she sees me as someone dependable that she can count on and trust!).  Remember in her culture what you just said might be so completely different she hasn't a clue what you said or meant.
6)  Pray.  Once your married, pray together.  We end our night with a family prayer and a family hug and kiss.

I guess I can wrap it all up by saying take charge of your life.  If it fails its most likely your fault because you let it happen.  Its your job to lead and your start by finding a woman who will follow and support you.

The Bear Family

[Researcher]

I thinks such discussions are meaningless. We're talking about one person meeting one person here, not a series of odds. I married a foreign woman who's very attractive from a very well off family who spoke almost no English when we met. She's the first person who I ever asked to marry me, so my odds are 100%. My wife's sister has married three foreign men and two local men, and has divorced all five. Her odds are 0%. I'd stick my neck out and say for any given person going abroad and finding another given person, the odds will be somewhere in-between hers and mine. Any further analysis is pure speculation. If you are 70, fat bald and poor and she is young and attractive and you never met in person, you could get lucky and have it work out. (it has for posters on this board.) If you are 2 years older then she, are both 8s on a scale of 1 to 10, both have common interests, have spent six moths together, you could get unlucky and end up in a horrible life changing divorce. It's happened to posters on this board. If we spent more time discussing what ares instead of what ifs, it would make more sense to me. Of course, that's just my opinion. I could be wrong.

          Jeff,
               I respect your opinion but I disagree. Some guys take bigger risks than others and it works out for them, nothing wrong with that.But there is risk involved in most, if not all, things we do. If someone crosses the street and decides to play chicken with a few cars and makes it across, that doesn't mean I should try it(but it is my decision).
              For me, I am discussing the "what ares". I've seen the scenerio I described played out time after time. Newbies come here alot asking what they should or shouldn't do. Most are looking for some hard and fast rules for success. What worked for you might not work for the next 50 or 100 guys.


   Researcher

[Jeff S]

This isn't physics where the odds of you being able to dodge moving cars is being scored. There's also no crosswalk where flashing lights, occasional police surveillance and driver courtesy make it safe in one location as opposed to another.

What worked for you might not work for the next 50 or 100 guys.

I disagree completely. What worked for me - being sincere, having a honest, straightforward approach, and a willingness to do whatever it takes to make it work, plus seeking out a woman who has exactly the same attitude, will work nearly 100% of the time for the next 50 or 100 guys. There may be a few exceptions, so I used the term "nearly."

If you are sincere about making it work, and so is she, if you put effort into making it work, and so does she, and if you don't do selfish, stupid things, and neither does she, what's the odds? nearly 100% I'd say. Don't do these things, or if she doesn't do these things and what are the odds, about 0. Your only job then becomes to make sure you're willing to do those things, and look for a woman who is willing to do those things. Anything else: age, waist size, looks, hair, her family's wealth or lack of it, your wealth, education, whatever, is just an excuse you can keep in reserve to use when you screw up. "She ran off with a guy who was taller/thinner/richer/had more hair/younger/whatever than me" keeps you from having to confront your own behavior.

[piglett]

I think it all boils down to how each of you were raised. Look at the environment she grew up in. What does it tell you, how many divorces are in her family, how much respect does she show to her parents and other family members.

Really, if you pick a girl whose mother and father have 2 or 3 ex wives and husbands then she is going to think it a normal way of dealing with a tough situation. If her family has a tight structure with mom and dad still together and in love then she will probably have a strong will to mimic that.

Everyone is a product of their environment. So read the environment she grew up in and also know yourself. If you feel like bailing at the first sign of marital storm then it just isn't gonna work.

this sounds logical to me, but...... i think in the end to still boils down to a leap of faith unless you can move to her country for a couple of years & really get to know her. You could find out about her bad habits & what kind of things make her mad & such.
Most of us just can't do that. I also think that if you decide to marry the 1st good looking lady that you find that you are probably going to be in trouble. I was going through a list of email addresses from ladies that i have talked with & wow i didn't realize how many there were. The more i talk to these ladies the more i learn about how to talk to a "pinay" on the other side of the word. I have already made some mistakes , but that is how you learn ....Isn't it?

good luck to all on your search
piglett 

[Ray]

...being sincere, having a honest, straightforward approach, and a willingness to do whatever it takes to make it work, plus seeking out a woman who has exactly the same attitude, will work nearly 100% of the time...

Absolutely correct!

There are a lot of small things that you can do or look for to increase your odds slightly, but if you are BOTH not fully committed to the relationship and willing to do whatever it takes to make it work, you'll most likely fall flat on your face.

Big age differences, poor environment or family life, different education levels, no common language, bald fat guy with hot chick, etc., are obstacles that can all be overcome with a 100% commitment on the part of both partners. Without that commitment, forget it!

And for those who claim that this is just a big game of chance where some guys get "lucky" and some don't, I think there is just no hope for you.



Ray

[Researcher]

I disagree completely. What worked for me - being sincere, having a honest, straightforward approach, and a willingness to do whatever it takes to make it work, plus seeking out a woman who has exactly the same attitude, will work nearly 100% of the time for the next 50 or 100 guys.

You are correct.These things do increase the oddsthat it will work. We are not that far apart on what we believe.

What do you think of "red flags and green flags"?

Researcher

[Researcher]

   Great posts guys! I don't expect everyone to agree with me or each other.This board would be boring if we all agreed.

 Did I post this on the asian board by mistake?

  Researcher

[jm21-2]

While I agree with Jeff's last post completely, I think researcher's points still hold true.

How can you know if she is committed to making things work if you spent a week with her and neither of you spoke any of the other's language? How can you know if she is honest? All the qualities you listed are things that take time and effort to figure out. There are tons of people who could fake it very well for a week or a month...but for a year? two? If someone's willing to fake being in love with you and committed to marriage for 2-3 years, maybe they're actually committed?

If you knew their language, maybe you would hear her talking crap about you to her family. How do you find out if she is committed to the same concept of family you are if you can't speak to each other? If you know more about her culture, maybe you'll be able to pick up the tell-tale signs that she's not really interested easier. Not to mention that with a language and cultural barrier it's hard to communicate, which is key to working things out.

[Researcher]

  Exactly JM. IMO, the more you get to know a woman and make a decision based on this knowledge the less of a risk you are taking.

 There are guys who blindly jump into a relationship, choosing the most attractive woman who will accept them.They don't look beyond her appearance and choose to take the risk that it will somehow work out.

Researcher

[Researcher]

This isn't physics where the odds of you being able to dodge moving cars is being scored. There's also no crosswalk where flashing lights, occasional police surveillance and driver courtesy make it safe in one location as opposed to another.

  You are right this isn't physics, but what I am talking about isn't rocket science either.If a man chooses the wrong woman he may be dodging a moving car...with her behind the wheel.

  I am just trying to illustrate that many things involve risk whether we think of it like that or not.

 Researcher

[Researcher]

Big age differences, poor environment or family life, different education levels, no common language, bald fat guy with hot chick, etc., are obstacles that can all be overcome with a 100% commitment on the part of both partners. Without that commitment, forget it!


Ray

      I agree with you about having commitment , no doubt.But when you have many, many women to choose from why pick a woman that has many obstacles to overcome? My wife and I have alot in common so we don't have to put forth the effort it takes to overcome anything but what life throws at us.To me, having more than life's obstacles to overcome can be overwhelming and cause many relationships to fail.It's true if BOTH people are willing and commited to a relationship, the odds are increased that it will survive. But I would like to do a little more in life than just survive.I put forth the effort to find the right woman for me as far as compatability and chemistry.This is the best relationship I have ever had and I have never been happier.

     And this really isn't so much about "luck" as it is choice. Like it or not no one is complete control of their surroundings, risk is involved in many aspects of life.

   Let me ask you this Ray: Do you think that the Kennedy family has had many tragedies because they are risk takers or do you believe in the "Kennedy Curse"?

  Researcher

[utopiacowboy]

Knowing the language is indispensable. If I didn't know what my wife was saying every time she was talking to someone on the phone you could easily become paranoid. As it is I can understand all the boring mundane details of every one of her conversations. In fact, her not knowing English allows me to say whatever I want, even in front of her, with her having no idea of what I am saying. Not a good situation to be in so I make sure that I don't make her paranoid either.

[Ray]

Let me ask you this Ray: Do you think that the Kennedy family has had many tragedies because they are risk takers or do you believe in the "Kennedy Curse"?

I don’t know, what does the Kennedy family have to do with foreign bride relationships?? I don’t believe in curses. Of course they took risks.

Anyway, I wasn’t really disagreeing with your points, just agreeing with Jeff that commitment is by far the number one factor in having a great relationship. I agree with you that there are many factors that can help increase your odds of success, but I also agree with Jeff that this isn’t really that complicated to figure out.

Taking your time to find a good choice is key, but knowing what a good choice is will make or break you. I think we probably agree that too many guys put all the emphasis on looks and “chemistry”, etc., but never give a thought to real commitment and what it actually entails. I can’t helping laughing to myself when I hear someone say that they need to file that visa petition NOW to reduce the wait time, while claiming that the wait will give them time to get to know her…what a crock!

Keep the discussion going, it may just help someone to stop and think…

Ray

[Jeff S]

But when you have many, many women to choose from why pick a woman that has many obstacles to overcome?

A woman being young, attractive, intelligent, educated, and from a well off family constitutes obstacles in your world? Not mine. To me it sounds like someone worthwhile getting to know to see if she's got what it takes. I'll put the question back to you, With so many women in the world, why wouldn't you aim as high as you could?

[piglett]

I'll put the question back to you, With so many women in the world, why wouldn't you aim as high as you could?

This sounds like a valid point to me.
maybe i should be trying to marry a doctor that's hot as can be instead of some silly little nurse.

 

[jm21-2]

A woman being young, attractive, intelligent, educated, and from a well off family constitutes obstacles in your world? Not mine. To me it sounds like someone worthwhile getting to know to see if she's got what it takes. I'll put the question back to you, With so many women in the world, why wouldn't you aim as high as you could?

Hate to butt in, but I'd be interested in your opinion. The girl I've been talking with lately I met over Skype accidentally, but has really made me want to get over to China in the shortest time possible. But, I wonder if anything would ever come of it as she has a great career that she works like a dog to keep going and comes from a pretty well off family. I think it's fair to say she is rich by Chinese standards. Realistically speaking, I probably won't make much more than $70k/year by the time I'm 30. I wanted to work in a small town, area I liked, job with a lot of flexibility, etc., so I have sacrificed on the wages. I know it's premature to ask, but if things worked out between us I'd be asking her to go from upper class Chinese to middle class American...which is a significant step down. Sometimes she seems fine with giving up the maid/cook/big house/etc., for a loving husband and raising children, but I have to wonder if she'd be content with that.

[Jeff S]

My wife was raised to be a wife. While she had many advantages of being rich, she also saw lots of things in her life that she didn't like - like her father gone for sometimes six months at a time, and being a Tokyo businessman, even when he was home, he worked six days a week from early morning until after midnight. Along with the private schools, fancy restaurants and vacations, there was also a connection to what life was like for everyone else, like taking public transportation 2 hours each way to school from 1st grade on in one of the biggest cities in the world. (Can you imagine putting a 6 year on on a subway on Long Island to attend 1st grade in Manhattan?) She was anything but naive, and wanted a family life and has been willing to do what it takes. While she was single, she worked in the fashion industry in Yokohama, and after she moved here, I told here she could take any classes she wanted or work, or do whatever she liked. She did and still does take classes of various types, ESL, health and nutrition ethnic cooking of various types, and we've do classes together - qigong, yoga, dancing. She also tried working for a Japanese import/export company for a short while, but decided she'd much prefer homemaking, is very good at it, and like most Asians, when she sets her mind to do something, she really excels.

My wife at first thought Huntington and Newport Beach were hicksville, but has adapted to coastal California living quite easily. Well, we do have a Nieman Marcus and Sacs Fifth Avenue, after all.

Lots will depend on your potential's attitude. Is she basically a wife and mother, or do her goals and ambitions revolve around career accomplishment? That's what you'll have to determine. Except for the availability of lots of labor intensive tasks, like a maid, high class Chinese life, isn't so different than middle class American. She'll be astounded at the size of house and grounds you can afford, but probably disappointed at the availability and variety of different foods. My wife understood, and probably so will the Chinese girl, that you're young, starting out and people have to have time to build wealth and a comfortable lifestyle. One of my wife's favorite expressions (and it translates directly from Japanese) is "step-by-step." Unlike most AW, most Asians have patience.

Hmm, this IS the Latin board, but it does fit into the crapshoot odds aspect of this thread.

[piglett]

I wanted to work in a small town, area I liked, job with a lot of flexibility, etc.

You mite have made a wise choice , You could have all the money in the world but if you never had time to enjoy it what good would it be to you? I have also found that in some small towns (but not all) there are some very intelligent people.
alot of people think small towns are just filled with hicks, but I've lived just out side a large city & can tell you that with all the killing,steeling,&drug addicts many of there people were not exactly smart.

Also be aware that at least in my area houses that were 300k a couple of years ago are starting to be priced in the low 200k range, so you may be able to get a house that better suites your girl for a price that you can more easily afford.

good luck
piglett 

[Researcher]

A woman being young, attractive, intelligent, educated, and from a well off family constitutes obstacles in your world? Not mine. To me it sounds like someone worthwhile getting to know to see if she's got what it takes. I'll put the question back to you, With so many women in the world, why wouldn't you aim as high as you could?

      I did aim as high as I could.That's why I went to different countries and met many, many women but I remained realistic. And a woman being all those things can be obstacles just as the complete opposite of these things can be obstacles, it depends on who you are, what you are looking for and if you are being realistic about what kind of woman will "fit" in your world.


  Researcher

[Researcher]

I don’t know, what does the Kennedy family have to do with foreign bride relationships?? I don’t believe in curses. Of course they took risks.

Taking your time to find a good choice is key, but knowing what a good choice is will make or break you. I think we probably agree that too many guys put all the emphasis on looks and “chemistry”, etc., but never give a thought to real commitment and what it actually entails. I can’t helping laughing to myself when I hear someone say that they need to file that visa petition NOW to reduce the wait time, while claiming that the wait will give them time to get to know her…what a crock!

Keep the discussion going, it may just help someone to stop and think…

Ray

       The Kennedys have nothing to do with international dating.Its just that some people believe there is no such thing as risk taking.I agree with you, I don't believe in the Kennedy curse. There is always a certain amount of risk involved with the choices we make.That is pretty much my point.

       I agree with you on your last post.Guys that file a visa thinking they will get to know the woman while it processes are making a mistake.

       Researcher

       

[jm21-2]

My wife was raised to be a wife. While she had many advantages of being rich, she also saw lots of things in her life that she didn't like - like her father gone for sometimes six months at a time, and being a Tokyo businessman, even when he was home, he worked six days a week from early morning until after midnight. Along with the private schools, fancy restaurants and vacations, there was also a connection to what life was like for everyone else, like taking public transportation 2 hours each way to school from 1st grade on in one of the biggest cities in the world. (Can you imagine putting a 6 year on on a subway on Long Island to attend 1st grade in Manhattan?) She was anything but naive, and wanted a family life and has been willing to do what it takes. While she was single, she worked in the fashion industry in Yokohama, and after she moved here, I told here she could take any classes she wanted or work, or do whatever she liked. She did and still does take classes of various types, ESL, health and nutrition ethnic cooking of various types, and we've do classes together - qigong, yoga, dancing. She also tried working for a Japanese import/export company for a short while, but decided she'd much prefer homemaking, is very good at it, and like most Asians, when she sets her mind to do something, she really excels.

My wife at first thought Huntington and Newport Beach were hicksville, but has adapted to coastal California living quite easily. Well, we do have a Nieman Marcus and Sacs Fifth Avenue, after all.

Lots will depend on your potential's attitude. Is she basically a wife and mother, or do her goals and ambitions revolve around career accomplishment? That's what you'll have to determine. Except for the availability of lots of labor intensive tasks, like a maid, high class Chinese life, isn't so different than middle class American. She'll be astounded at the size of house and grounds you can afford, but probably disappointed at the availability and variety of different foods. My wife understood, and probably so will the Chinese girl, that you're young, starting out and people have to have time to build wealth and a comfortable lifestyle. One of my wife's favorite expressions (and it translates directly from Japanese) is "step-by-step." Unlike most AW, most Asians have patience.

Hmm, this IS the Latin board, but it does fit into the crapshoot odds aspect of this thread.

Ah yes, rural Newport Beach, CA .

This girl seems interested in being a stay at home mom (her sister is right now, just had a baby), and definitely seems more family-oriented...her career does not seem like a big deal to her especially because it's not in the field she wants to work in, but doesn't like the idea of having to ask her husband for money. And the job she has is a pretty sweet deal, working at her cousin's company...I don't think she'd be able to find similar work without the family connections.

[Capstone]

This girl seems interested in being a stay at home mom (her sister is right now, just had a baby), and definitely seems more family-oriented...her career does not seem like a big deal to her especially because it's not in the field she wants to work in, but doesn't like the idea of having to ask her husband for money. And the job she has is a pretty sweet deal, working at her cousin's company...I don't think she'd be able to find similar work without the family connections.

jm,

Just look at it this way, you will be able to give her something that no Chinese man ever can - more than 1 child. I have found this to be a HUGE plus and one which many many Chinese women would be willing to give up some of the benefits of living in China. Even though you feel that your girl may be middle or upper class by Chinese standards I think that you will be surprised with what you can provide her. What is considered to be a Big house/apartment in China usually compares in size to a very modest American home - with the construction quality generally not being nearly as good.

I too live in a rural area (I telecommute) however my Chinese fiancee is more than willing to leave behind an exciting life in a big city and a great job in exchange for starting a family with someone who she trusts and can count on.