How to tell friends and family about international dating? :(

[TurboSS]

So I have been talking to this Chinese girl for a little while and things are going good so far.  If it does progress into more of a relationship I have no idea how i am going to tell my friends and family.  They are going to think I went crazy.  I know they will largely be mostly ok with it but I know everyone is going to look at me different.   I think it also might be a little harder for me since I am only 27.  Like my dad's opinion and my friends' opinions still really weigh heavily on me.  Not saying that you older guys dont value other's opinions though.

Anyway, how did you break the news that you were "seeing" a foreign girl to family and friends?  How long did you wait till you started telling people after you started talking to the girl and do you have any really good stories or horror stories about telling people?

[Jeff S]

I started dating foreign women in my 20s, and married one in my 30s. No one thought I was crazy, or at least they didn't say so to my face. In fact, lots of people thought it was exotic and romantic. If they don't like it - joke 'em if they cant take an f....

Like my dad's opinion and my friends' opinions still really weigh heavily on me.

Don't worry, you'll grow out of it.

[Ray]

Hey Turb,

Don’t overanalyze it too much. When you feel that things are getting serious with the lady, just tell whomever you feel appropriate and the rest will find probably out anyway.

So they think you are crazy? You have to be a little bit crazy to get involved and get serious with a foreign woman that you have never met, right? 

If they show concern for your welfare, don’t worry about it. But if they get insulting or condescending about your girl without knowing her, because of their petty prejudices, then it’s a good time to weed out those who are not your true friends anyway because a true friend wouldn’t disrespect those that you feel strongly for. That goes for family too in some cases, IMHO.

You can explain what and how you are doing what you are doing if you wish, and answer their genuine questions, but in the end, if you should marry, your wife should ALWAYS come first!

Ray

[TurboSS]

Ya I know I will grow out of caring so much what my friends and family think but at this point I havent and I still value their opinions.  They wont be hateful I dont think.  It will be like you're crazy because you should know better than that.  Obviously all the girl is looking for is money and a green card.    I am pretty certain thats what they will think and I am pretty sure I wont be able to convince them otherwise unless I had a foreign wife living here for a while and she still had not bailed on me haha.

[jm21-2]

Hm, I think I cared less about people's opinions, especially my dad's, when I was younger, haha.

I don't see it being a big deal, but I wouldn't talk about it much until you've met in person...not for approval or disapproval, but because I think it would look kind of stupid going on about a girl you met over the internet, and then having it not work out when you meet in person.

[stevjulietb]

After 9 years in this process, I still think my family doesn't really understand.  They say my wife has been good for me, but i still see the looks and they say little things, like kids are for the young ( we have a 3 year old).  I am 56 and she is 31.  I think I make a better Dad now than when I was young.  Pretty soon I can stop working and devote more time to AJ.

Steveb

[TurboSS]

Ya my plan is definately going to delay telling anyone as long as possible.  I want to be pretty sure about her before I just put myself on the line with everyone I know.  If I ever end up visiting her i would have to tell people before I left.  Theres no way I can just randomly disappear to China without telling anyone.  They would think I had gone missing haha.

What may get me is that me and this girl are facebook friends as well.  So if things go well she may push for that "your in a relationship with.." on facebook.  This is for you guys that are young enough that use facebook.  Then every single one of my friends and people that i have ever met would get the update that I am in a relationship with a girl that has Chinese characters for her name.  Then all hell would break loose. haha 

[Ray]

Obviously all the girl is looking for is money and a green card.  I am pretty certain thats what they will think and I am pretty sure I wont be able to convince them otherwise unless I had a foreign wife living here for a while and she still had not bailed on me haha.

Yep, that’s the common misconception about foreign brides. If they say that once, brush it off. If they continually harp on the “Green Card Shark/Gold Digger” line, I would tell them to kindly STFU.

When you get serious, like formally engaged, I would have your fiancée write to some of your family members. Like when mom, dad, or sis has a birthday coming up, you might suggest that she send them a card with a short note to personally introduce herself. That will put a human touch to that woman overseas. It worked for me and they were all looking forward to meeting her. Once she was here and they met her in person and tasted her lumpia, everyone fell in love with her and she was immediately accepted as a part of the family.   

Ray

[TurboSS]

Yep, that’s the common misconception about foreign brides. If they say that once, brush it off. If they continually harp on the “Green Card Shark/Gold Digger” line, I would tell them to kindly STFU.

When you get serious, like formally engaged, I would have your fiancée write to some of your family members. Like when mom, dad, or sis has a birthday coming up, you might suggest that she send them a card with a short note to personally introduce herself. That will put a human touch to that woman overseas. It worked for me and they were all looking forward to meeting her. Once she was here and they met her in person and tasted her lumpia, everyone fell in love with her and she was immediately accepted as a part of the family.   

Ray

Wow thanks Ray.  Thats a really good idea!  If it ever gets that far, I will have to remember it!

[KBD]

I understand how you feel! I'm only 23 years old, and I met a nice Filipina online, and we have been talking since November. I'm leaving April 6 to go see her, I will be in the Philippines for three weeks, one of those weeks will be spent in Boracay. All of my immediate family knows about her, I didn't really hear any negative comments, but I know they are skeptical, especially my dad! I do get alot of smiles when I mention her though, but I never talk to them much about her...not until I know its going to work out. Good luck to ya man...

[piglett]

well my plan is she is going to just show up one day & then i will tell everyone. 
Most will be happy for me & if someone isn't all that happy about the decision i have made then that is just too bad . I plan to take 2 weeks off & if i feel that she is the one then i guess i will marry her in her country in front of her family. i think it comes down to a leap of faith unless you are going to move to the philippines or china or wherever for a couple of years & date your girl & really get to know her. There is only so much you can learn in one or 2 trips to your girls home country.

i understand what your saying about others opinions, it wasn't all that long ago that i was 27
But now at 39 i have to say that with the exception of a couple close friends & a couple of family members i could really give 2 sh*ts what most people think. funny how people change when they get older.
If you are going to survive this process you are going to have to put yourself & your new bride first & everyone Else second. Don't let misinformed or jealous people come between you & your girl.

just my 2 cents
piglett

[bcc_1_2]

IMO it doesn't matter if you are in your 20s, 30s, or whatever. A lot of women are going to have a serious issue with this "news" (not all of course). If you are a 39 year old guy it may very well anger that 35 year old female co-worker who is divorced or never was proposed to.

If its a younger AW friend it might not bother her. Especially if she is too busy out having all the guys buying drinks for her. But eventually a lot of these ladies hit a point where they aren't pleased with American men specifically going out to say an asian country to meet women for a long term relationship. We could get into all the different ways they might justify their beliefs but I'm sure that's been discussed plenty before. Just be prepared for some people not to be happy for you and some people not to treat your new lady very well.

From a guys perspective some will be intriqued by it and some couldn't care less. I can understand a father's concern, but most guys won't give you any trouble. 

[Bob_S]

Ya I know I will grow out of caring so much what my friends and family think but at this point I havent and I still value their opinions.  They wont be hateful I dont think.  It will be like you're crazy because you should know better than that.

Well, it's not so much something you grow out of altogether.  But as you evolve personally, you just learn whose opinion to value and trust, and whom to just listen to politely but ignore.  And that includes the people nearest and dearest to you.  Is your dad xenophobic?  Is your mom a gossip who will share TMI with her sister who is an opinionated racist?  Then whether or not you love them, you should know to leave them off the holiday newsletter about your lovelife till you are just about ready to marry.  I wouldn't mention anything to female friends till you are already married.  Some guy friends and even family members who understand how sucky the domestic dating scene is would probably be understanding and supportive of your desire to seek greener pastures.

It reminds me of the story of the guy who went on vacation and left his cat with his brother.  He calls his brother from vacation and asks hows his cat.
"It died."
"What?  that's horrible news!  You shouldn't just dump horrible news on someone like that.  You should break it to them slowly.  The first day, say the cat is stuck on the roof.  The next day, say the cat fell off the roof and is at the vet.  The next day say the cat is doing badly.  then finally the next day say the vet had to put the cat to sleep."
"Oh, okay."
"So how is grandma?"
"She's on the roof."


So how's your love life?


It's on the roof. 

No, but seriously, if you mentioned you had penpals here and there, some domestic, some international, and you are narrowing it down to who you might like to visit, you can gauge from their response who to keep informed and who to take off your distribution list.

[CeeTeeEnn]

IMO it doesn't matter if you are in your 20s, 30s, or whatever. A lot of women are going to have a serious issue with this "news" (not all of course). If you are a 39 year old guy it may very well anger that 35 year old female co-worker who is divorced or never was proposed to.

If its a younger AW friend it might not bother her. Especially if she is too busy out having all the guys buying drinks for her. But eventually a lot of these ladies hit a point where they aren't pleased with American men specifically going out to say an asian country to meet women for a long term relationship. We could get into all the different ways they might justify their beliefs but I'm sure that's been discussed plenty before. Just be prepared for some people not to be happy for you and some people not to treat your new lady very well.

From a guys perspective some will be intriqued by it and some couldn't care less. I can understand a father's concern, but most guys won't give you any trouble. 

Spot on bcc_1_2.

In my experience, 95% of guys are either indifferent, or positive, or else downright jealous if you introduce them to your foreign soulmate or wife (and the other 5% are either the left-wing liberal pro-IMBRA types who think you're a glorified woman traffiker, or else the "Aryan Nation" racist types; both cases are easily ignored.)

But with local women, whether American, British or Western in general, it's generally a different story i'm afraid. Some are indifferent, a few are positive but many are hostile. I no longer discuss my dating preferences with Western/European women as i no longer wish to put up with comments ranging from "so we're not good enough for you, are we?" to insults aimed at my preceived psychologal problems or supposedly flawed male anatomy, and i cannot expect this coldness or hostility to diminish when i do (hopefully) get married to a Latina.

What's also an issue is the degree to which your future wife may become accepted by the society you live in, TurboSS. I don't know what the demographic is like where you live, but i can tell you that here in the UK the overwhelming majority of foreign women I have met (from all parts of the world) tend to socialise entirely among themselves, and nearly all have experienced negative feelings in various forms from British women. You should therefore be prepared to give your future wife support in case she should come across such cold shoulder treatment.

[TurboSS]

I am from Oklahoma so ya its not exactly the capital of diversity and accepting other cultures haha.  Its pretty similar here in that many foreign women tend to gravitate towards each other and not hang out with the americans as much. at least from what i have seen.  I know if I ever brought a girl here and married here my friends would be accepting and supportive and probably become friends with her.  Unfortunately, there is a severe lack of foreign born asian women here except in the asian restaurants and probably some at the local colleges.

[jm21-2]

Just about everywhere in America immigrants and different racial groups tend to socialize mainly with themselves...for whatever reason it seems to be socially awkward here to reach out to people from different groups.

[Bear]

People don't like to get out of their comfort zone and women don't like their power base to be challenged.  You are doing both.  If you father's opinion means so much then I'd think of a few ways to point out that you did it because of his influence and maybe even discuss his opinions with your girlfriend - but let that be the end of it.  

If your worried about the opinions of friends and neighbors then I think you should step back and reconsider this action all together.  When making decisions about life it might be useful to consider others points of view but the choice is yours and if their opinion makes you shake in your choices then you are not ready for marriage - particularly to a Filipina who will expect you to make all the tough decisions for her.  They don't like wimps and be careful because if they peg you as one it will be painful.

Marriage is about you and her and the family you make.  It will never make sense to everyone else completely so to allow others power in your marriage is to allow confusion to rule.  My ex used to try to get "friends" to support her opinions when she'd come up to you and say "..but so-n-so said this..." and "...everyone" agrees with me...".  Even if it is true I immediately turned a deaf ear to it because it is rude and disrespectful to you because it completely disregards you're position in the family.  If you allow others to decide on this action for you then you are disrespecting both yourself and your new wife putting road blocks in front of each of you that the other hasn't considered.  Eventually that will become a wall that someone won't be able to get over.

Simply discuss all your worries and concerns with your girlfriend, consider all aspects you learn form whereever or whomever and make your decision together.  Then support that decision and each other to the complete ignoring all other views that go beyond what you and her have decided.  If you make a mistake then you made it together and you correct it together.

Piglet,
it takes almost 3 weeks to get married over seas because you have to take a health course and there is an automatic 14 day delay.

The Bear Family

[Ray]

I agree with Bear that it will take around 3 weeks to marry in the Phils, to be safe, though you could do it in 2.

The waiting period that Bear was talking about is actually 10 days from the time you apply for the marriage license until it is released. But you must first get an affidavit issued by the US consulate over there and that could be another 2-3 days depending on when you arrive.

The “health class” can be done in 15 minutes because that’s what it took us. 14 minutes of unrelated chit-chat and 1 minute to sign the form.

For a church wedding, much more needs to be done but it can usually be accelerated. Advance planning is the key!

For a church wedding over there, I would try to allow 3 weeks before and 3 weeks after for a honeymoon. Find a way to give yourself at least 6 weeks or do it in 2 trips.

Ray

[Bear]

Our health course, in Davao, was 8 hrs/day for 3 days in which 50% was sales pitches for a variety of products from rings to wedding dresses and wedding planners.  Actually some of the information was pretty good.  The reason I said 3 weeks because of the standard 2 weeks its takes to get most of the paperwork done/approved and then 1 weeks for a honeymoon.  BTW, you'll have to explain honeymoon to her because she probably doesn't understand the need for it - mine didn't.

Just a odd remembrance of my going through all that was when I asked the clerk making up our papers at City Hall many Americans she observed getting married to Filipinas she said more that half the license were to Japanese not Americans.  Yet I didn't see one Japanese in the Health Class.  Kanos came in 3rd behind Japanese, Filipinos then the Kanos.  Even though I was told this it still strikes me as untrue but interesting.  I've also heard quite recently that the Japanese and Chinese actually have some favorite sites they like to visit that most Kanos don't know about that are really quite spectacular.

The Bear

[Capstone]

I guess that I must be lucky in regards to this because all of my family and friends have been very positive and supportive of my relationship with my Chinese fiancee. I first told most people about her right before my first trip to go see her and did not experience any backlash what so ever - in fact I got just the exact opposite reaction, everyone told me to go have a good time.

My Mom, my sister and several of my female friends all maintain a regular email correspondence with my fiancee and have made a great attempt of trying to make her feel welcome to the family. Even when I go out to my favorite restaraunts, night spots etc, I have shown the people that work there pictures of my fiancee and they all remark how beautiful that they think she is and make me promise that I will bring her by to meet everyone after she arrives.

And I live in the Deep South in which most people who don't live here have a false stereotypical image in their heads that we are all a bunch of racist bigots - LOL!!

I am glad that my friends and family all support the relationship that I have with my fiancee but if someone did not, well who really cares - I am a grown man and will live my life the way that I choose.   

[Heruamen]

i will tell my parents officially about her when i am about to get on the plane and see her.   Otherwise they will not take me seriously, and even when they do they will be full of questions and more than likely  try to discourage me until they actually meet her and see what kind of person she is.   As for others i could care less.  I have the support of my  best friend who actually bought my membership for cherry blossoms the first time as  gift.  I had one african American woman respond to my foreign bride decision with "oh so you gave up on us "  with a smile i said hell yeah ehehehheeh.

[Bob_S]

I am from Oklahoma so ya its not exactly the capital of diversity and accepting other cultures haha...Unfortunately, there is a severe lack of foreign born asian women here except in the asian restaurants and probably some at the local colleges.

I hear you.  Every Christmas, I head back to visit family in rural Atoka County (I'm not from there, but my parents were).  And there, my wife feels like a zoo animal as she gets stared at by kids who've apparently never seen a real Asian person live.  It's not so bad when we go up to visit my friends in Stillwater where I went to grad school (go pokes!).  OSU has a large enough foreign student population, she doesn't stand out so much.  Though the idea of ever living there or anywhere in the Midwest outside of a big city got squashed when we went to a local teppan yaki restaurant.  She chatted with the Japanese sushi chef and realized he had been there so long, he was losing his mother tongue.    It horrified her to think something like that could ever happen to her. 

[TurboSS]

I hear you.  Every Christmas, I head back to visit family in rural Atoka County (I'm not from there, but my parents were).  And there, my wife feels like a zoo animal as she gets stared at by kids who've apparently never seen a real Asian person live.  It's not so bad when we go up to visit my friends in Stillwater where I went to grad school (go pokes!).  OSU has a large enough foreign student population, she doesn't stand out so much.  Though the idea of ever living there or anywhere in the Midwest outside of a big city got squashed when we went to a local teppan yaki restaurant.  She chatted with the Japanese sushi chef and realized he had been there so long, he was losing his mother tongue.    It horrified her to think something like that could ever happen to her. 

Ya go Pokes!  I did my undergrad at OSU.   I am actually currently getting my masters at the university of Florida but i am moving back to Tulsa in May so i just said i am living in Oklahoma.  My grandmother is from Atoka.  If she wasnt so senile I know she wouldnt approve of me dating an asian woman haha.    Where are you from originally?

[michaelb]

Sure, I know where Atoka is, I have to go through it to get to Muskogee. Why would I be going to Muskogee? Well, I don't want to give out family secrets, but....... 

[Bob_S]

Ya go Pokes!  I did my undergrad at OSU.   I am actually currently getting my masters at the university of Florida but i am moving back to Tulsa in May so i just said i am living in Oklahoma.  ...Where are you from originally?

I was born and raised in San Diego County, where my folks settled not long after my dad got his discharge after serving in Korea.  But back in Atoka where I spent many a summer, I got a lot of relatives listed on the Veterans Monument out on highway 75 north of town near the cemetery.

My grandmother is from Atoka.  If she wasnt so senile I know she wouldnt approve of me dating an asian woman haha.

Yep.  I felt the same way.  So I sought out a white girl for my first wife.  But that crashed and burned.  Learned a hard lesson there, and followed my heart the next time out all the way to Japan.  To hell with what other people think.  Follow your heart.  The rest will work itself out.

Sure, I know where Atoka is, I have to go through it to get to Muskogee. Why would I be going to Muskogee? Well, I don't want to give out family secrets, but....... 

Muskogee?http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Idv-FGURn9s]
I'm thinkin' pot farm.  Is it a pot farm?  Not that you have to actually farm it out there.  It all grows wild in the woods.