I did everything wrong,made mistakes i now i want to help anyone who will liste

[raycjs]

To all please read this and learn from my mistakes, Please email me, Pm me or call me so i can help any one that wants help.......

Well where do i begin i can first tell you that i did everything wrong and i did not listen to any
of the advice i was given by this board and a few close friends that have been married to Colombian women for
over 5 years. after a few months of us being together here in the states on an everyday
bases i realized that she was not the one and i had made a major mistake and we both decided it
would be better for her and her daughter to go back to Colombia and that is what she did on
Feb 3 2009.

1st she was to young and not ready to leave her country and family and she was not
ready to be a wife and a mother. she made it a point to tell all the time that she missed her family and needed to be with them.(i told her in Colombian over and over a gain that for the first year she would only be able to talk with her family on the phone and the internet i never ever mislead this women in anyway)

2nd she was what my friends call a street girl and did not come from a good healthy family.( she lived in an apartment in cartgena and her grandmother raised her daughter from age 1 1/2 till i 4 months after i came along)

3rd she spent all her time on the internet, facebook, texing and phone she was to much of
a party girl and a social butterfly. (in Colombia and the us)

4th she would not let me be the father to her daughter we would always fight over how
to raise her daughter i would try and tell her we need to raise her differnet in our country. It is very different then raising a child in Colombia where anything goes and there are no rules at least in her house when you are being raised by a 80 year old grandmother.

5th she could not cook and made no effort to cook for me and our family i would work all day
and when i would come home i would start to prepare dinner that is ok but not everyday
i would have loved for her to surprise me once or twice a week.

6th she did not have good family values after 1 month of being home all day with her 3 year old
daughter she told me she can not handle being home all the time with her and that we need
to put her in daycare so she could have her own time...(sitting on the couch watching TV and chatting with who knows who on facebook
she has over 200 friends on her page and it is a public page for anyone to view with her cell phone number on it so anyone could call her.i told her this is not normal and this is not what i want my girlfriend or wife to have her number on the internet even my friends called her and told to remove her number.)

7th She was very jealous of my 2 daughters and what they had and how they lived
my 2 girls are very smart and A plus students in highschool and now collage and i reward them for making the honor role and being good polite girls how when the [snip] hit the fan where by my side and moved 1200 miles away from the friends to live with the father and help me start a new life.

8th I gave her daughter everything and anything i treated that little girl like she was my own. I remember flying  to Colombia to have a bitherday party for when she turned 3 years old. i had all of her friends and family at my hotel to throw a party for this little girl. The true father never even saw this little girl after she was born...


Here is where i went wrong i dated and was married with the same women from age 16 to 44. I went thought a really bad divorce
and i left my home town of New Jersey and moved to South Florida to start a new life. I was not totally healed and i went to Colombia
and meet 45 to 50 women all of them treated me like a king and made me fell so good i was not think with a straight head i was only
thinking with a broken hart and trying to forget the past so i jumped at the first women who wowed me (Lina) I was told by Jamie
she was not the one and why... I was told by a good friend of mine Joel she was not the one and why, I was then told by a really good friend
and his Colombian wife of 5 years why, I was told by a really good friend Jeff she was not the one and why, and I did not listen to any of them. I made way to many trip to Colombia i spent way to much money
on Lina and her family. I was being used and never realized it or cared because i was getting love and affection that i had not had in many many years
I had blinders on and i was not going to listen to anyone. My biggest problem is i have the biggest hart anyone could have and i never say no. In business i am a shark and very successful in my personal life i am always taken advantage of. Well i have learned a big lesson And i want to help anyone i can so please do not make the
same mistakes i did. This is the reason i am telling everyone on the board what happen and i am going to offer my help to anyone who will listen or wants my
help so they do not go down my same road. There is some much more i can share so please ask away and if i can help i will.

Please do not take any of this the wrong way i believe in the instation of marrage
and i want to find a women from south America that i can settle down with and enjoy the rest of my life. I think unless she is really mature she must be 30 years old or older.

Again i want to thank everyone on this board for there help

Ray

[Researcher]

          Ray,
              Sorry to hear about all of this.I hate that things didn't work out for you this time around. I know you are a good guy from your posts here and from talking to you on the phone. I know that you are the kind of person who likes to help others just be prepared because many guys don't want to listen, even though you have been through it and have experience. I have found what UtopiaCowboy says is true with alot of people: "You can tell 'em, but you can't tell 'em much".


      Researcher

[Kiltboy1]

Ray

I am really sorry to hear about this . She sounds a lot like my first Colombian wife almost to a tee. Good news is that you now can take your time, get your thoughts together, maybe DATE(NOT MARRY) a few Latinas until you feel you can move forward and look again. I am in transit from Orlando back to NC and took my wife and son with me and we did Universal Studios and let me tell you, when you find the right woman who lets you be an equal partner in the raising of the child, cooks for you even tough she never did before and Basicly appreciates you, then you will be happy will find the right one the second time around because I learned from all my previous mistakes and took all the red flags into account before I married my Fernanda. DSF has my # if you want to talk sometime and the next time I am in lauderdale, which will be in about a month, let's get together and have a few drinks. Keep your chin up

KB

[Capstone]

Ray,
I am very sorry to hear that things did not work out for you. At least you can take comfort in the fact that you were able to come to the conclusion that things were not meant to be between you two fairly soon after her arrival in the US and things did not drag out for an extended period of time. I wish you the best of luck in all your future endeavors and think that it is great that you are willing to share your experiences with others so that some of us can possibly learn from them. Hang in there!!

 
 

[soltero]

Ray,


Something to be aware of on older Colombian women. Unless you meet someone like UC did who is stable, being down there for that long actually makes them pretty loca and makes it MUCH harder for them to adjust to life here. I am only trying to keep you from going the opposite way after your ordeal and finding this out for yourself. You would think going older would be better, but being stuck down there definitely warps them after an extended stay. It is best to get them out of Colombia or SA before they have been there too long if you hope for them to be able to make the change. FWIW...

[obyjuan]

Sorry, Ray....I know it is a rough time, but it WILL get better..Keep your head up, Brother.

Toby

[utopiacowboy]

Ray,


Something to be aware of on older Colombian women. Unless you meet someone like UC did who is stable, being down there for that long actually makes them pretty loca and makes it MUCH harder for them to adjust to life here. I am only trying to keep you from going the opposite way after your ordeal and finding this out for yourself. You would think going older would be better, but being stuck down there definitely warps them after an extended stay. It is best to get them out of Colombia or SA before they have been there too long if you hope for them to be able to make the change. FWIW...

I would have to agree with Soltero. My wife is stable, yes, which means that she isn't going to change much but that has it's good and bad points. True, after five years here, she is still the same woman I married and is in absolutely no danger of becoming just another American woman. However, it also means that she still speaks Spanish all the time and is basically as Colombian as the day she stepped off the plane. It's a fine line.

[zack]

Ray,

Kudos to you for coming forth and admitting your mistakes. That is not easy to do on a public forum. I also credit you for not bashing Latinas but instead admitting that you made the mistake of choosing the wrong lady when there were plenty of warning signs. I'm glad that you're not chucking Project Latina. You obviously realize that there are a lot of Latinas out there that would make good wives.

All of us have made similar mistakes, at least to some degree. Put it behind you and keep your head up. I'm sure that you won't make the same mistake twice. Now that you are wiser and continuing to travel south I'm sure that you'll find the right lady in the not-too-distant future.

Zack

[the_ace33]

Ray! 
My heart goes out to you brother.  You mentioned a couple of key things in your post that I would like to speak with you about.  I talked to you on the phone before.   I am a pretty good judge of character and you are good people.  It is time to regroup for sure.  I am glad you plan to get back on the horse again. 

[Bear]

Hope you don't mind an Asian side opinion.

American men are really easy.  We give in so much, so quickly.  We want and need the love, support and respect a true loving mate would give.  Like the "Curse of Adam", the fear of loneliness is subconscientiously overwhelming.  In an effort to cure that big hole in our lives we foolishly rush in, ignore all warnings and red flags and marry someone who is more of a socially acceptable mate than the one we really need (by that I mean for reasons such as looks, sexually skills, etc.).  We get that sore spot on our ego massaged and we forget to ask the questions that raise the red flags.  

I'm not sure what changed in my life but while married the the "ex" (I like to affectionately call her Beelzebub's daughter), I would wonder why if I was doing like my Mom taught me and as I understood from school and media, was I not happy.  I looked at who was happy and why and not surprisingly, not many were happy.  But then I didn't know everyone so I was not sure about different cultures.  I just happened to live in a part of Houston where a large community of Vietnamese and Koreans lived.  From the observations and advice I could drag out of them, none where divorcing, kids well behaved, financial status always improving.  Really wapped me upside the head.  

I have to apologize because I can only speak from memory but the research I saw back then was if you married American you would divorce about every three years on average.  If you married Eastern European upwards of 80% of the marriages ended after 2 years.  If you married Hispanic, 60% were divorced after 2 years.  But Asians were only divorcing at a 20-25% rate after 2 years.  When you broke that down Filipinos had the lowest divorce rate with just slightly less than 1 in 20 divorcing after 2 years.

As a controls tech, my job was to service automation controls for HAVC.  In doing this three of my customers were Large Hotels.  These Hotels have employees that literally transfer all over the world - some of you might be aware of this.  The guy I reported to at the largest hotel in the downtown area of Houston was married a Filipina who he wrote snail mail to for almost 5 years.  She had a nursing degree but could only get a job as a maid in Hong Kong where he met her working for that Hotel system.  In all seriousness girl was a virgin at the age of 32 when they finally married and IMHO she made Miss America look homely (that year the winner was half Filipina).  Another acquaintance, a guy I worked with at a directional drilling firm was married to a Filipina and I spent months trying to figure out why this girl put up with this overbearing and controlling jerk she married while he was in the service.  She told my "Ex" that it was better than marrying the men in her own country and she had the opportunities of America as well for her children if not for her.

I recently posted on the Asian side how I had seen Joan London on Good Morning America interview several Asia-American marriages and how the women their boasted that they were better wives because they were loyal and respectful of their men.

When my youngest turn 18 (25 years of marriage to the "Ex") I packed up enough stuff to live in an one room efficiency and moved out.  I was looking for "divorce support" - meaning someone who'd listen to my rantings about how it was ll her fault and console me and instead met Honey who jumped all over me for divorcing.  After a few months of communicating she was stuck to me like superglue and the awesome woman I've been married to for over 8 years.  

But the once bitten always fearful part made me suspicious.  I was older, fatter, balding and divorced - me, not a good catch for any women regardless of culture.  So following the instruction and experiences of the guys from this board and 3 others I asked questions, lots of questions.  Then once she answered them I'd give her my answers and we'd discuss them..  Then I'd ask her for questions.  Honey wasn't the only girl I done this with but she was the only one who answered every question the way I wanted it answered or convinced me  I missed the point - she was smart and intelligent, very sincere.

For those of you who aren't religious skip to the next paragraph.  I also prayed and fasted to know if I was making a good decision because I started getting and unbelievable amount of pressure from family, friends and church that I was doing the wrong thing.  5 minutes after I ended my fast, Honey was answering the prayer and I knew she was who Heavenly Father wanted me to marry.

At that same time quite a few people on this board decided my story was all a lie and I was getting attacked for just about anything I said - except from Filipinas who posted here back then.  I also noticed several really great guys go down in flames in a very bad way which made me second guess everyhing.

But because of my prayer I knew she was the right one and followed through and considered the smartest thing I ever did.  

Why did I succeed?  1)  I paid attention to the opinions of many of the guys, and the experience that were occurring in their observations.  2) I asked so many questions we always had something to talk about.  3) Sex and touching, because we were thousands of miles apart, didn't skew the relationship to a point I could ignore warning flags and ask questions. 4) I looked in a place where divorces are illegal and the women grow up with an attitude that they have to make marriages work.  5) I treat my wife like the goddess she is but I know she expects me to be in charge (Filipinas don't like wimps) - I had to ignore the training my mom and the American culture tried to ingrain into me and be a man so she could feel safe and secure, protected and provided for.

I respect what you did Ray but like Howard, Don2222, Humbados and a few others who failed the first time learned from their mistakes and tried again.  All are happily married now.  We know it hurts but just learn from your mistakes.  Decide whats important then make a plan and work it.  We are all here for support, advice what ever help you need.

The Bear Family

[the_ace33]

I had blinders on and i was not going to listen to anyone. My biggest problem is i have the biggest hart anyone could have and i never say no.

I know the feeling.  I catch myself wanting to think positive and give the girl the benefit of the doubt.  The reason I do this is because I am very attracted to a girl.  In the end I usually end up facing the fact that the girl is just not interested enough to be good to me.  What she says and what she does "her actions" do not match.  Its a red flag that can not be ignored.  It is hard to say no and others see it easier than we do.

[Alabamaboy!]

I am glad that you laid out all the things that went bad with your relationship. Because it will help you next time around to avoid the same mistakes, and it will help all of us as well.

A few of the things you mentioned really stuck out at me, because I had always thought they were big red flags, but other people have tried to convince me they were not so big. Among those things:

1. If a woman is not very "hands on" in the care of her own child, then it is is a disaster waiting to happen. It is not a good sign if the girl is handing the child over to her mother to raise, while she is off making a career for herself or whatever. Or worse yet, leaving the baby at daycare or with a nanny. I feel a mother should want to spend every second with her kids if possible. I spend tons of time with my kids and never get tired of it, So I can't really be satisfied with a woman who does not feel the same.

2. If a woman is not cooking for the family, she better have a pretty good excuse. Because I would think any good woman would definitely want to cook for her family as much as possible....especially if she is not working. I can cut them some slack in Colombia because it is so cheap to have a maid that posibly she can reationalize things that way. But once they hit the ground here, they should be able to get with the program. She should show pride in the fact that she can cook for the family. And I don't believe that BS "I cannot cook". That is a cop out. Anyone can cook if they just want to badly enough. And I am not saying the person must like to cook, but they should like the fact that they are doing a very important thing for the good of the family. And that in itself should make them happy and rewarding.

3. If the girl is an "attention whore" like some of the posters here have described....it is a very bad sign. It seems to be a character flaw that they are showing a low self esteem, and they will be perpetually trying to prove themselves to be pretty, or interesting to someone. And as women age, they tend to lose some of their beauty and those "attention whore" people seem like they will have more problems overall when they notice that people are not falling all over themselves to be around them. So they will need to perpetually be on facebook or the phone trying to get some positive feedback from someone....and they will waste an enormous amount of time until they achieve the "attention level" they are seeking.  So girls with 200 facebook friends are usually eliminated from my list. As are women who feel compelled to check their email more than once a day or so. Someone who is in love with their cell phone, has ten different ringers for all their friends, who has decorations and accessories for it like it is a pet or something. That is trouble as far as I can see.

4. I really scrutinize the women who come from unstable family backgrounds now.  It seems that in general, the ones coming from unstable families, especially those without a good father figure, are very bad news. Seems that they are the "attention whores", the rude girls, the party girls, and that they have no idea how to take care of a man or a family. And these girls seem to be the ones with the "loosest morals" and the most experience in the bed for their age, because they are probably boning everyone in site because their mother is out working and they have no one to keep them in check. And they seem to have a problem with authority because they are used to doing whatever the hell they want to.

So I am glad that you are laying it all out on the table about this relationship. Because guys will be able to see some of these realities of what happened in your case and hopefully prevent the same things from happening to them as well. And guys like me who thought that these things were big red flags, can now be pretty sure that they indeed are.

[raycjs]

I want to thank all of you and i will call all of you that have sent me Pm's with your number.... You are all correct in what you have all said and i want to thank you all for that i am hoping that others like myself can read my post and learn from my mistakes. I am a very proud man and a good father and it was not easy for me to tell everyone that i had failed but i felt it was the right thing to do and i wanted other to read and listen....After i wrote all of this on the board last night i felt so much better it was like a big weight was lifted from my hart i feel so much better today then i have in the past few weeks since she left. My biggest problem is i can not get that little girl out of my head i feel so sad for her to have to grow up like she is.. she had her whole world ahead of her and she could of had all the opportunities by 2 girls had and have in life. Well i realize there is nothing i can do and i will put both of them behind me. let me tell you all one thing that all the red flags i wrote about are 100% true. If you find a women like i did please believe me you will not change them and they will not stay with you forever they will always look to see if the grass is greener on the other side.Trust me it's not just hard to chew. She always traveled with a camera and took pictures of herself all the time she has 1000 of photo's on her face book. That is why i knew no matter what i was not going to change her..

Now i would like to talk about my future:

i have made my mind up the a Latin women is the way to go because i met so many of them and i know deep down in my hart i will be better off with a Latin wife then an American wife. So that being said let first address the age thing.. I am now 47 years old and have a very stable life and i no longer living in Florida. My job has taken me to OHIO. This is very stable and i have been doing the same thing since 1980 with the same company. So help answer the following questions.i am a very real person and i am not afraid to lay my cards on the table for you all to see and read i have nothing to hide we are all different but in so many ways we are all the same...

1 i am 47 what age group do i look at?
2 i would prefer not to have any more children (not set in stone)
3 should i look for a women without children? or will i find a women that will let me be a father i can not stand by and watch a child in my house grow up and not be able to teach him or her something.
4 when do i get back on the horse?
5 do i go the agency route again?
6 how do i get out of my head the fact that i am so worried that a women will only fall in love with me for what i have and not how i am.
7 should i try writing to some women first and see if something clicks before i get on a plane and go back.

i have many more to ask but that is enough for now

Once again i want to thank you all for all your thoughts and help over the past few years i truly believe in this board and the people on it.


Ray

[Bear]

1) what age - which ever one turns you on.
2) then don't marry a young girl.
3) quit being a wimp - TELL HER WHAT WILL BE, then treat her right.
4) as soon as possible.
5) do what works for you, but if I had to do it all over again I'd got the introduction route.  If you've got a friend who is successful then ask him for an introduction.
6) ask more questions and quit worrying about the temporary loneliness and concentrate on the long term loneliness thats going to happen if you don't get it worked out.  It means making hard decisions that AMs just don't seem to want to do.
7) I would, simply because I know the "touchie" part destroys my reasoning ability and I want to think it through before I make decisions.

Work it out in your head and jot down some concerns.  Then don't start getting intimate until you understand what will happen with your concerns.  It doesn't sound very romantic, but get it in writing (in letters or chats you save).

I also think you need an ego boost.  Try to keep in mind that a marriage failure is not a mistake but a comedy of them caused by multiple sources - not just yours.  Mistakes are the norm for AMs.  Your not any different than the rest of us.  BUT, this time work your plan, "are your concerns resolved?", stay in control of it, a good candidate will appreciate the effort and the fact that you want a permenant successful marriage all others will cause you all kinds of questions.

The Bear Family

[singlefather no more]

Ray,

My good friend , I am proud of you.. That took a lot of courage to do what you have done here in your thread in laying everything out.. Like I told you it was very good for you and helped start the healing for you to let this all out. Now that is off your chest you can start to move forward.

I am so sorry that Lina did this to you but thank god she left the USA and went back to Colombia.. She did not deserve you at all.

By writing this thread you have helped a lot of guys learn to watch out for all the Red flags you mentioned.

I am going to write down here one of the things I have advised you to try for the benefit of the other members.

On a piece of paper write down 2 title's and below each column list what you want and don't want in a wife.. By putting in down on paper it helps you think and remember what you want in a wife and will reinforce in your mind what you don't want in a wife.

What I want in a wife.    /  What I don't want in a wife.


Take care and have a great day.

Your good friend ,

Jeff


..

[Alabamaboy!]

Man I feel like I recently really dodged a bullet when I finally broke up with my fiancee from Barranquilla. She was super beautiful, exotic, and I really liked her family. On the surface we hit it off great...especially in the bed. So I was thinking it could not get any better than this. But after more and more weeks and months went by, I noticed that many yellow/red flags began to pop up. And I began to ask questions about them here on the forum. And in general, I was given advice that at face value, each of my "red flags" were not that big a deal, but taken together,they added up to high possibility of having problems in the future.

The number one most disturbing thing to me, looking back on my relationship with her  was the fact that she seemed obsessed with taking pictures of herself. Just like you said. Even when we would have pics of us together or she would have pics of herself with her family, I would see her zooming in on herself while looking at the pics!  And I remember thinking...."even if other people do not think this is crazy...I think it is super crazy".

So I broke up with her for good after 18 months.

Then I went back to Jamie's again after pouring over his website a million times. And I picked like 90 girls or so to meet. I had very bad turnout during my last trip there because of it being the week of Carnaval. But that was kind of good also, because I met some girls who know that there are other things in life other than party time. Oh by the way, I think Jamie did a good job by getting as many girls to show as he did, I did not expect a great turnout.

Well anyway, I got very focused before I went there this time, and eliminated the sex part from the equation. And even put physical beauty a little lower on the scale of importance.

I decided to have a mix of older and younger chicas on the list. Because I was thinking maybe the older ones would be a little more mature. But then again you run the risk that they are "set in their ways". I put the younger ones because I want to have at least one more child, and they are more moldable with some issues.

Well, by the end of the trip I had found more than a few seemingly great candidates. They may not have the exotic centerfold-type looks that my ex had, but who really needs that kind of complications in their lives? Especially if they are so narcissistic like I described.  And all of my red flags...which other people might not think as red flags...I paid attention to them this time. If they asked for money, either directly or indirectly...if they had tons of pics of themselves....if their cel was ringing all the time....if they had too many fashion accessories, 3 inch long nails, 4 inch heels at all times, those sorts of things.....eliminated. If they had any signs that they were stubborn or set in their ways. If they were too eager to get into bed or even get into a serious relationship super fast. Eliminated.

And I think that helped me so good. And right now, I have two of the girls I am talking to. And I am putting them through a bunch of "tests" to show me if they have what it takes to be a good wife and mother....for my life. Not for someone else's life. I am taking things slowly. I am not getting my hopes up again so quickly. And most importantly, I am not ignoring red flags. Because I do not want to waste the time and money that I spent with my ex again.

I learned so much from the disasterous ex girlfriend, so I guess it really was not such a waste of time. It was actually one of the most important things I have ever done or been through.

My advice to you is to go as quickly as you can to Jamie's or one of the other efficient operations because if you get focused and organized, you will have good results, without a doubt. But keep your options open. Tell the girls up front of your past relationship, and for that reason you need to be sure before you commit 100% to them. And then work your list smaller and smaller until you have the one who will give you the best chance of success. She might not be the  most gorgeous of the bunch or the best dancer, but if you are thinking with the big head more than the small one, you will end up with a woman who will be good for the long haul, and less of a heartache to you.

I was pretty down after things began to deteriorate with my ex. Because I was up here in the States...and for me I just am simply not attracted to the girls here.

But Barranquilla.......that is my place. The place is filled with wonderful women. You just have to be organized and disciplined to sort through them all. And already have in your mind exactly what it is that you are looking for.

[william3rd]

DONT run back down there right away.  Worst possible advice. Any therapist can tell you that. . .  Get past your grieving process and then slowly get back into the saddle in the way that best suites you. You are a rebounder and may have some errors in your decision making for the next several months or even a year or so.

Sorry to hear about the loss but you figured it out early in the game and came to a rapid conclusion.

However, as far as you dictating the discipline to her child or any child not your own, its her ( the mother's) call to make. If that is a deal beaker, then perhaps you should find a single with no children and then make a couple.

[sabound]

for once someone has been honest .

no matter how much time you talk on the phone , email , webcam , trips to see her , ect ect ...

there is nothing like the real test when she is here 24/7 .. NOTHING

for the guys out there who think they have this romance in heaven and you have spent a few weeks with her in her country ... think again .

this is NOT uncommon , what has happened to you . its just you got the balls to come on a public forum and admit it.

take a break , hash out what went wrong and don't repeat it . simple

[PainfullyObvious]

I am sorry to hear everything did not work out for you.  I had a similar experience in 1999 after my first few trips to Colombia, when I had my girlfriend at the time come live with me in the US.

In my opinion, it is very difficult to know for sure if this is the right woman for you based on the time (basically you are on vacation) you spend with a woman in her own country.  Until the woman lives with you and lives your life who knows what will happen. 

I have a two good friends who took one or two trips to Colombia, met someone, married them on their next trip to Colombia and are very happily married 10+ years later, but it seems risky based on my own experiences.

Good luck. 

[Pivery]

  Ray,

Let me echo everyone else's sorrow for the obvious pain you are dealing with right now. You were and even more now my hero. It takes a real man to admit his shortcomings to others. You should get back down there and find a traditional latina willing to be a wife / mother for you. There are simply too many of them down there to give up and stew in your own juices. When you leave for another attempt is your call. But I think if you wait too long, doubt will seep in and you may just end up torpedoing yourself from any future happiness.

As I discussed with you yesterday, I got lucky with my lady. She is fairly young, but wants to cook for me every day and wants to raise a family with me, only has 3 numbers on her cell phone - her work, her mom and dad's house and mine and doesn't even know what Facebook is. 

That's exactly what you need, and I know if there was one for me there has got to be one there for you. There's no way of really knowing what pops into their head once they are here in the states, but some here have been lucky to not have their lady turn into a Mrs. Hyde overnight. We all have our defects and most of us are coming from a failed first marriage. Mine lasted almost 15 years and although it wasn't acrimonious (chair-throwing and such) it still hurt. But the best remedy is to get your mind wrapped around what things are acceptable to you and what things aren't and work the final ladies through the paces until you find her. Hopefully it won't take too long, but don't rush it either.

I am not religious but I honestly thank God every day that I:

a:) Have 90% of my health that I had when I was 20.
b:) Have a woman that loves me more than I ever been loved in my life and would take a bullet for me.

My vote is that you will find that special woman. The odds are in your favor. Don't look for a traffic-stopper in looks. The ones that are just okay looking are more likely to not be mobbed by men and probrably are not looking for that constant attention. Look for a woman that cooks at home, doesn't go running the streets at night and is only interested in making you happy.

You have my complete and total respect Ray.

Pivery

[raycjs]

Thank you all for all your help... I agree with almost all of you and your are right in your own way. Here are a few thoughts that i find very had for every one of us. The fact that our country will only let the women travel to our country and stay for 90 days and then you have to send her back or get married that is not enough time. It is very hard to talk with a women over the phone and internet and only visit her in her country a few times and when you are there it is like being on vacation staying in hotels and relaxing. Then you decide to bring her to the states. You do the whole paperwork thing 7 to 9 months . she gets hear and now you are together 24/7 and sooner then later you learn things about her you do not like... You talk to her about them and you think she understand... she doesn't but she yes you to death then before you know it the 90 days are up and you are like wow we need more time or you send her back and start all over... so you do what i did you get married at the clerks office and put in a few more months. still no better so then you pack it in and start over again.... The major problem for me was i was told by many that she was not the one and she is only going to take what you have and use you. She did and i let her. next time if i do not like what is going on while i am still with her and she is in her country even after we have started the process i will end it. I feel a lot better now after tell all of you and having all of you tell me i did the right thing. I will take some more time to get myself ready and my skin will be thicker.I think i will be ready by June or July... If i am then i am heading south if i am not then i will wait. i am only 47 not 67 (if your 67 please do not take it the wrong way) hahaha. I eat right and work out at the gym 4 to 6 times a week to keep in shape. 

Please keep in mind i am not looking for sympathy. and i can handle all of the i told you soooooooooo'sssssssssss..


Please keep this going and please anyone out there that can add to this please do keep in mind why we are on this board.... Not to fight and ague over nothing but to help each other and any one else. Please all the newbees read this and read what everyone is saying and please listen.....

PLEASE IF THERE IS ANYONE OUT THERE THAT HAS DOUBT PLEASE DO NOT GO THOUGH IT JUST BECAUSE YOU TOLD EVERYONE SHE IS THE ONE AND HOW HAPPY YOU ARE....... DO NOT BE AFRIAD TO FAIL AND TO ADMIT YOU MADE A MISTAKE...

once again thanks for everything

Ray

[Pivery]

  Very true heartfelt words spoken from a man who is not here to B.S. anyone. We need more honesty and not so many food fights around here. Ray, I wish I could clone my lady for you but then again, I would probrably take her for myself anyway!

Just make sure that the next one "feels" right for you. Yes there are some knockouts but as I said before, odds are those aren't going to end up being good wife material. The ones a little rougher around the edges aren't used to the limelight 24/7 and will appreciate being around you and not worry so much about having her face all over the web.

Pivery

[jm21-2]

I never really understand why so many guys can't live without a girl. If you are lonely and desperate and over-eager to get married, you're going to make a mistake. I would get more comfortable being single (whatever that means to you personally) before getting serious again...

There are plenty of couples who never cohabit before marriage who turn out just fine...actually if I remember right the chance of divorce is higher for people who cohabit before marriage. Long distance is definitely hard, especially when you aren't prepared for it, but I don't really see the need for a prolonged 24/7 test drive. There are so many red flags you can see without living with someone...and living with someone can distract you from looking for the broader inner qualities and compatibilities. I remember one person I talked with was saying how you need to check how they put the toilet paper on, whether they squeeze the tooth paste from the mdidle or the end, blah blah blah. If you are concerned with minutiae like that you will miss the big picture, imho.

[Researcher]

        Ray,

             I'll try to add more later, when I have the time but it sounds like you are getting into the right frame of mind. It's like I have said many times before:Be picky and if it isn't right kick 'em to the curb(but be a gentleman about it) and move on.

            I made my mistake a few years back and learned alot.I didn't bring her here but went through the visa process and was approved for a K1.Soon after I ended it.Now I have the love of my life here with me.I think your best days lie ahead.



             Researcher

[soltero]

So help answer the following questions.i am a very real person and i am not afraid to lay my cards on the table for you all to see and read i have nothing to hide we are all different but in so many ways we are all the same...

1 i am 47 what age group do i look at?
2 i would prefer not to have any more children (not set in stone)
3 should i look for a women without children? or will i find a women that will let me be a father i can not stand by and watch a child in my house grow up and not be able to teach him or her something.
4 when do i get back on the horse?
5 do i go the agency route again?
6 how do i get out of my head the fact that i am so worried that a women will only fall in love with me for what i have and not how i am.
7 should i try writing to some women first and see if something clicks before i get on a plane and go back.

I can only tell you what I would do, and you can take that for what it's worth and see whether it works for you.

1) When it comes to realistically bringing a woman back here to the USA, there is only a very narrow window of opportunity depending on the individual woman. I have found that between 25 and 30, the women have highest general ratio or being able to make it here. Any younger, and they are more apt to be ridiculously immature when it comes to being exposed to life here, and any older, and they are too set in their ways from having lived in Colombia for so long and have a MUCH lower chance of being able to make the change to a more American lifestyle. As far as your age, I think the age of the woman as I have layed it out above would be more of a deciding factor. If the goal is to bring her here, then that needs to be foremost in your mind as the adjustments will be brutal with any woman from that type of culture and environment when it comes to living here.

2 and 3) I truly don't believe in taking over the next man's child. The woman is forever tied to another man regardless as to whether or not he is even around. The thing with a Latina is that if you want her to be a good mother and great wife, then YOU need to be the one giving her any babies she is going to have. Daddy can do anything with his own and she will bend to your will regarding the children. If you are going to get with a Latina, I would STRONGLY suggest fathering ALL of her children. That bond between a Latina and her child is probably the strongest one she will ever have, and you being "Papi" gives you some of that by default! Besides, her view of you when you are the father is on a level that can't compare to any other. Fathering a Colombianas kids  is major to them and that bond is extremely strong. She will stick through thick and thin with the father of her kids moreso than with some guy she does not share that bond with. Bottom line, in general, they don't consider you family and their options are pretty open until they have your child.

4) Nothing beats losing a woman like gaining a woman. Also, the pain will cause the little head override to short circuit enough for you to think clearly and be as brutal as possible in searching for exactly what you want. I would get the divorce handled, and that should be enough time to get back in the saddle. Be sure to not settle in any way for anything less than exactly what you want. If it doesn't work out EXACTLY the way you want it, then next...

5) This depends on you. There is a certain type of woman in general who considers an agency, and that woman is NOT usually the best candidate. I would say that the more educated, and upwardly socially stratified women would not consider joining an agency and you probably won't find the best candidates there. If you have to take cuts on those two requirements (of mine) then agencies are fine, but know what you are getting and be extremely strict with ALL FLAGS.

6) Don't lead with your wallet. Take anything you have completely out of the picture. Go and be yourself and don't try to be impressive. BE YOURSELF. What you have to give should not even be a part of the picture until AFTER you are novios, and I don't mean proposing on a first trip or any such nonsense even if you believe you have met an angel or something. Getting to the point of being novios for me should take at least a year...

7) There are guys that swear by writing, but I have always considered that to be like virtual masterbation or wishing and dreaming. Most people tend to fill in the gaps with perfection and that can be misleading. I would rather see the warts.