Serious questions about what happens once you meet someone

[Caballero2009]

Well i have been on here off and on for a few months.

Ok so say someone meets a lady thru say Jamies email service in BAQ. I have been thinking about this seriously lately especially after reading more from this board. So I have been trying to use all the knowledge i have gained plus adding my own knowledge in and envisioning a "What if" scenario if it happend to me because actually i am hoping it "happens to me". I have run some scenarios thru my head but its not the same as asking advice and  opinions from people who have lived it...

So say in the near future someone wrote a girl and she writes back and after a few weeks or wahtevr hey decide they like each other maybe not "LOVE" but grow fond of each other.

In my mind things should progress something like this:

1) The lady and you hit it off over emails.
2) OK so it seems both are happy after communicating by emails/phone/sending photos etc.
3) The man plans a trip to colombia.

Now here is where it gets complex.

Say a guy likes the girl. And it is assumed the girl likes him legitamately. So you go there. What are you looking for exactly. I mean ok i have read if shes a money grubber obviously...

Does a guy go down there looking for "hints" shes not going to be a good choice always judging? Do you go in super positive and let her prove shes not by her actions and words?

What kind of hints besides asking for money do colombianas show that might let you know shes not probably interested in future serious commitment when you are there in person?

Say someone goes to BAQ thinking they have found a great possibilty from emails etc. and after a few days there with her... you are not sure. What do you do then ? OR say You are sure but not sure that the lady is SURE about you? What do you say/do then?

Ok another scenario:  Say you go down there and after a few days you feel like you hit it off with the lady and you think shes into you. I know SOME guys jump right in and say "MARRY ME". I think this isnt good unless theres a REAL good reason but... How would one proceed if there is mutual interest.

Do you tell HER? Do you ASK her how she feels? DO you let it ride and go back to the states and see how "things go" and plan a second trip to "see" if it works for sure?

FOr colombianas is it best to "ASK them to be your GF" if you feel you like them and its working?

Ok now SAY it doesnt work or you feel it isnt working. How do you let colombian woman down? is there a expected way beyond just never talking to her again? Should you just open up and say it?

Any experience advice specifially?

[soltero]

Women are basically women. What would you do if you were dating a woman here? You may need to run that down so others can understand why you are overthinking this so much! No offense, but regardless of what anyone else does, unless you feel an actual connection with a woman, then you need to politely walk away. Again, women are women! Different cultures don't change that fact too much when it comes to whether they are into you or not. The actual acts (of displaying affection)are usually performed (despite variations) the same way the world over...

[utopiacowboy]

Damm, Soltero, you beat me to it! Now all I can say is "what he said."

[Researcher]

         I think it is a mistake to get to close to someone before meeting them.I would use the email and phone route to get to know several women before visiting.There is no need to make up your mind about a woman until you meet in person to see if the chemistry is there.If it doesn't work out just be honest, unless you want to spend your life pretending to love someone just to keep from hurting thier feelings.


        Researcher

[bcc_1_2]

There is this annoying pimp guy who teachs shy dudes how to pick up women on VH1. He was not a fan of online dating because you could just be out meeting women. Now you can't really apply that when he is talking locally and you are looking internationally, but it is something to keep in mind.

There are no online girlfriends and you have no idea if you are going to click until you meet. So in my opinion if you want to use the Net to line up some solid prospects. Great. But I wouldn't waste countless hours exchanging emails when you'll be able to size most of them up in a couple of hours in the A) want to see them again and B) dont want to see them again categories.

Your so if a girl likes a boy questions are kinda reminding me of middle school, so I'll say this. Here in the USA a woman will wear a low cut top to get attention. But now if you look (and believe me if its worth a look i look) you are a pervert. Now down in Colombia if you look the women is probably going to smile back at you.

So a guy can pretty much be a guy down there. In fact if you don't act like a man some girl will probably walk all over you. I find it refreshing, but if you are shy latin america may not be the place for you.

[Maria]

I think getting some attention from women on line before coming down is not a bad idea. It is actually a learning experience. But what I don't agree is to commit to one single girl until you meet in person. Keep and open relationship between the girls you talk to if you do. It will help avoid false expectations. Don't limit yourself to just meeting one woman when you are in town, just because she looks good and she writes good , it doesn't mean she will be good for you...

FL

[PainfullyObvious]

I have been on a few tours to Colombia.  I have also spent time writing to women, and getting to the point of meeting.  I went to both Colombia and Thailand to meet someone I had written to for a few months that I thought I had a connection with.  Both times once I got there, I knew the first day of the trip that I had made a mistake. 

For me personally, months of writing and and using the webcams is just not as valuable as actually meeting.  When I have been on tours and used the socials, interviews, etc.  I could meet a dozen women during the course of a day and know if I want to spend time with them beyond the initial introductions.  I just don't get the same comfort level from writing and webcams, I might find that we seem to be a good couple, but when we meet the chemistry is just not right.

If you are going to meet someone special, don't make any promises until you know.  You may feel it the moment you meet, you may need a few days.  My advice is if you are convinced the woman you meet is the one, have her come and visit on a fiancee visa before you commit to anything.  Meeting a woman in their country and spending a week or two together, essentially on vacation, is much different than living a life together in the US.  Also, don't be afraid to take your time, vist a few times before you invite her to visit you. 

Goodluck 

[drm64]

Cabby

I would have to agree with some of the previous posts. Do not count too much on email chemistry! It does not exist. Many guys have been down that road only to be disappointed when meeting in person. Talk about "awkward" when you want to break off this relationship you were so sure about based on email chemistry! Also, never make a trip for one girl , for the same reason I just mentioned. What are you going to do if there is no chemistry? Your best bet is to write several girls a couple times each a month or 2 before making your trip. Remember, the girls may not get too excited about you until you have a date you can tell them you are arriving. Another great option is webcam calls. Much better that phone or email. (I know someone in BQ who can help you with this if you are interested PM me) If you don't speak spanish, you will be using a translator and she should be experienced with helping you "read" the girl and to assist you in either pursuing the relationship or letting a mismatch go. (Again, if you are interested in this service, I know someone). Your first trip will overwhelm you with both the beauty of the women and their personality. I think also that compatability does not seem to rate as highly to them as it does to us which you will notice makes the women seem to move into a relationship faster that we would here. Don't mistake this for finding your soulmate and ready to propose on your first trip. You wouldn't be the first and won't be the last. Keep your wits about you because you are going to attract a much higher caliber woman physically that you could here and that can make you stop sorting through the more important factors that constitute a match and relationship. It almost seems pointless to say this because every guy goes through this his first trip. We just keep repeating this for those who can learn from others mistakes. I cannot emphasize enough to take the time to get to know the person rather that think you are so lucky to land such a beautiful catch! Beauty means nothing if you have the wrong girl. Ask the tough questions. Assume nothing. You have a life here that you are going to make your woman a part of. Your woman will probably bring only herself to it. Does she have a personality that is as beautiful as her outside? I would also encourage you to get the advice of the experienced posters here after you think you have found your woman. These guys can help you with the questions, adjustments and issues that will eventually present themselves and either make or break the relationship.

[Ray]

My advice is if you are convinced the woman you meet is the one, have her come and visit on a fiancee visa before you commit to anything.

 

Bad advice!

The purpose of a fiancée visa is to allow the foreign half of an already committed couple to enter the US for the intended purpose of marrying within 90 days of arrival. You both also have to provide written, signed statements to that affect.

The fiancée visa IS NOT intended as a means to get to know someone before you make a commitment to marriage. A temporary visitor visa would be more appropriate for the purpose you mentioned…if she can get one.

My advice: don’t even file a fiancée petition until you are both sure you are ready for and fully committed to marriage.

Ray

[JR33]

Bad advice!

The purpose of a fiancée visa is to allow the foreign half of an already committed couple to enter the US for the intended purpose of marrying within 90 days of arrival. You both also have to provide written, signed statements to that affect.

The fiancée visa IS NOT intended as a means to get to know someone before you make a commitment to marriage. A temporary visitor visa would be more appropriate for the purpose you mentioned…if she can get one.

My advice: don’t even file a fiancée petition until you are both sure you are ready for and fully committed to marriage.

Ray

 Not to mention that if you use an IMBRA NON-COMPLIANT agency you will have to lie on the I129f.

[PainfullyObvious]

I apologize, Ray above is correct.  The fiancee visa is serious, especially to the woman and her family.  She may have to give up a job and a lot more to come to the US for those 90 days, and if it does not work out it can be an awful situation.  I did the fiancee visa in 1999 after my first few times to Colombia, my fiancee at the time came to the US with the intention of the two of us getting married, we had a date near the end of the 90 days scheduled, marry in the US, get the paperwork done, then have another ceremony in Colombia for her family and friends. 

In truth it was a long 90 days, and we both knew we made a mistake.  She is the one that decided to go back home.  Thank god she did not give up a career to come visit.  My ex-fiancee is married to an American now and we have been friends all these years.  She is always introducing me to friends of hers in Colombia.  Her family hates me though, they did not like the fact we did not marry after the 90 days.

I was just trying to say that the relationship you have in Colombia with a woman might be different when she is here in the US living with you and your life. 
 

[Maria]

I apologize, Ray above is correct.  The fiancee visa is serious, especially to the woman and her family.  She may have to give up a job and a lot more to come to the US for those 90 days, and if it does not work out it can be an awful situation. 
 
I was just trying to say that the relationship you have in Colombia with a woman might be different when she is here in the US living with you and your life. 
 

This is so painfully true!!!  Yet, vacation time can never compare to everydaay life. Because even if you try staying for weeks, stay with the family, rent an apt to expireince normal every day life... If you don't focus on personality.. it will come a time when the differences will bore you.

FL

[Ray]

PO,

In your case, it sounds like waiting most of the 90 days to tie the knot was a good decision.

There is nothing wrong with changing your mind after she is here as long as the intent to marry was genuine. The CIS has had no penalty for not marrying as long as she returns home within 90 days. Actually, under IMBRA, that would have counted against your limit of 2 fiancée petitions.

You are correct that visiting her for a few weeks is not the same as actually living together here. That’s one of the key factors that makes these long distance relationships so challenging. But using common sense and taking your time will invariably improve your odds of success.

I think one of the biggest mistakes many guys make is filing that fiancée petition before they are fully committed, thinking that they can get a jump on the waiting time while still reserving the option to back out later before the marriage. The problem is that once you make promises to each other and start down the road of visa processing, it makes it harder to back out considering the affect on her life and that of her family, as you have aptly described.

Ray

[Jeff S]

This is so painfully true!!!  Yet, vacation time can never compare to everydaay life. Because even if you try staying for weeks, stay with the family, rent an apt to expireince normal every day life... If you don't focus on personality.. it will come a time when the differences will bore you.

FL

AMEN! You have to be prepared to invest real time into this, not just holding hands on a tropical beach for a couple weeks with stars in your eyes. The only way to get to know someone is to see them in all sorts of different situations, both relaxing ones and stressful ones, with people they like and with people they don't, with family and friends and with strangers. People can put on a real act for two weeks of fun, but in real life eventually the facade will fall.

There is substantial advantages in dating someone who has or can easily get a tourist visa too, for the reasons PO expounded on. In my own case, I spent two four week trips to visit here and she made a three and a nine week trip here to visit me before marrying. It helped that we both had our own businesses at the time. I realize that's not possible in most cases with people from Latin America, though, but that may be why the success rate isn't as high as from some other areas also.

[dennislevy]

Im an American living in in Bogota, Colombia.


1 Writing and visiting one woman is almost always a mistake
2. Figure out what kind of woman you want to meet, age , profession, family situation, potential goals and find a few from that city.  For a visit of 10 days, you should have a list of at least 15 women from a web site, as well as a back up plan, say an agency.
3. Tell the women you are coming to the city during such and such a time interval. Get on the plane and go to that city and meet the women and see what happens 
4. Dont expect lightning to strike and you find [the one[ on the first visit.  Soimetimes it happens, more often it does not.
5. Stop analyzing with a bunch of scenarios and just do it!  Many of the men who post on the boards never get on a plane!
6- If you dont have much Spanish under your belt, get some!  You can learn enough in 2-3 months of studying, about 8 to 10 hours a week, to differentiate yourself from 90% of foreign men traveling to Colombia.  Learning Spanish is an indicatiuon of your motivation and respect for the culture.

Good luck
Dennis