Possible Divorce

[Aaron]

Hi one350z,

I'm responding to your post below. You can read my response below the quote.

Hello all, I must have a way of being ambiguous in my writing.  I apologize.  My wife is a determined woman. currently, because she feels without certain things,she has lost time in her life. she wants to take charge of her life.  Of course she can do that now with her Permanent resident card.  Like I have mentioned earlier, some of this is on me but not all of it.  Do I feel she was in it for the card itself.  No.  Is it questionable?  Certainly.  Yes, I am taking on a new career.  I feel very positive about it.  Is it guaranteed, not at all.  If ti is will it have a positive effect on me feeling that I can provide for my family.  Yes.  Will this effect my relationship? Yes.  If I feel that I can take my beautiful wife out to dinner without feeling pressed, that would make a lot of difference personally.  Is my wife only interested in money? No.  But she does want a man that is comfortable.  I believe most of us are feeling a little uncomfortable with the current economic situation.   Are we going to recover?  Yes!  You guys are so helpful, and I personally have recieved a lot of positive information.  I am making changes for the better and I hope that it is transferred to my relationship with my wife, as well as my friends and family.  That is part of how we are judged in life, how we treat our friends, family, as well as strangers.   Here is to the best for all of us.

I think from your post, it sounds like you've encountered a young woman that has been considering marriage as a way to secure her social & economic position. She may actually care (or cared) about you to a certain degree, but I think her real motivations to marry weren't because she loved you, but more so she saw the social/economic benefits of marrying you at the time; and she wanted to "upgrade" her position relatively quickly. And if it doesn't work out that way, she'll begin to lose patience.

In the beginning, I thought maybe your wife is experiencing home sickness. But, after your post in the quote above, it seems there are other issues.

There are many younger women (20s to early 30s) in Colombia, and other places, that think if they marry someone established, what the man has acquired and his financial means, automatically tranfers to her, and she can use HIS assets to "upgrade" her situation, and the situation of her family. That's not right.

I understand a marriage is 50/50, but partners have NO right to lay claims on the spouse's income and assets that were acquired before marriage, or to expect their spouse to give them whatever they want. What I give my wife is plenty, and when she asks for something that I don't agree with, I tell her straight up. NO.

As for your comment regarding "this kind of experience takes money...." You are absolutely correct. I don't know what your financial situation is, but I would say given the current exchange rates and the rise of the minimum wage in Colombia, if a US guy cannot afford to spend between $5,000 to $7,000 a year for a courtship with a woman to cover airfares, trips, phone calls, gifts, etc., and if the guy cannot afford the costs of about $5,000 to $7,000 for a wedding, VISA paperwork and airfares to Bogota, and for relocating his bride to the US, then it may be best to consider dating such women and waiting until he has the means for a serious relationship that will quickly (I emphasize quickly) lead to marriage.

I think you should make your decisions with a clear head, and be very practical. Don't feel sorry for her, and how things may turn out.

Women from Cali (your wife is from Cali, correct???) are known to be very practical, even in circumstances of the heart, and Colombians have reputations of being "short-term" lovers. Again, it's because they tend to be very practical, and fun-loving. 

There is a classical Colombian salsa song, in the song they sing..."Cali women are like flowers, and their clothes are of many colors, you'll never get them to love you unless you're responsive to their love". Unfortunately, with all the social problems in Colombia and the materialism (materialism is growing more since their economy is improving), many women expect allot of material things as being responsive to their love.

This is just my opinion, but some my find some truth in it.

Aaron

[Looking4Wife]

i have known my wife for almost 5 years.  We have not been exclusive all this time.  There were times that we did not even talk.  How I decided is this; she has come up in my life several times thru various ways.  The last time before we got serious is I saw she was online by chance, I was about to take a weekend off for a woman I really didn't know.  Instead, I took the chance and headed to Cali for a few days, spoke with her, and felt that she was honest and straightforward.  I asked her to come over on a fiance visa to further our relationship.  I never really proposed during this trip.  I did at a later time, and I did speak with her father and all.  We are all taking a chance.  We are signing up for a big ticket item.  Even with all the confidence in the world, we are asking someone to completely change their life.  You as the sponsor can not be over prepared.  They are going to need everything thought of.  I did my best,  I could have done better.   Do  I regret not being more prepared?  No.  You can never think of everything.  So to wrap up, go with your gut.  I read the other day your gut feeling comes from past experiences.  Derrick

Have you guys gone to a marriage counselor (or 2 or 3)?

It sounds to me like:

1. You have some current issues with self-confidence due to financial instability (quite understandable and epidemic in the USA right now) that could be spooking your wife.  If you don't feel secure, this is probably transferring to her, causing her to feel insecure.  It has been my observation that one of women's key characteristics they seek in a relationship is to feel secure.

This is probably something that you can work on internally and both of you can work on as a couple.

2. You have some doubts (albeit minimal) about whether your wife actually married you in good faith, or may have married out of more of a financial motive (even if she did/does love you) then was apparent at first.  Maybe she put more weight on your financial stability than she should have.  Maybe she got spooked once she felt insecure.  So far, however, she has not apparently exhibited hard core green shark behavior (which is good).   I think if you guys can see #1 above, and have a heart-to-heart talk together and with a counselor (or 2), then you may be able to flesh out her intentions.

3. I am a little concerned about your referring to yourself as "the sponsor".  That really starts to frame things as a business transaction.  You may be the sponsor as far as the USCIS is concerned, but even they look at you as a husband first and a sponsor 2nd.

4. Divorce is ugly whether domestic or international.  I wish you guys all the best.  I really hope you two can work this out.  Hopefully the love between you 2 is sincere enough and strong enough to work through this with flying colors.  If not, may God grant you the wisdom and serenity to cut your losses and move on toward your future happiness more wisely.