Random & funny thoughts and poking fun at myself the soon to be gringo groom..

[singlefather no more]

Random & funny thoughts and poking fun at myself the soon to be future gringo groom..

A little background on me.. I was a stand up comic as a teenager for awhile and I love Comedy and laughing.. So some of this is my Canadian humor..

Planning a wedding from 7000 km ( about 5000 miles ) away
Is fun and crazy..

Have to get a wedding night hotel room with a Jacuzzi still..

I hope they don’t search my luggage in front of my kids in Miami airport or Lima airport..

Imagine me in Lima airport or Miami having this conversation with customs..

Sir you have 12 boxes of condoms with 12 condoms in each…

( sweating face ) Umm ahhhh I am getting married next Saturday in
Chiclayo , Peru..

Sir these all are for your honeymoon ?

Ummmmm I am going for 27 days… Shoot me if you want but I have been a Monk
For 4.5 years and I have to make up for lost time..

Dad I did not know you are a Monk and what is a condom ?

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Why do they sell only 12 packs of condoms per box ? Has nobody heard of Value packs in the condom industry.. c'mon guys ..

I will be one happy and lucky son of a gun groom

Friday night before Wedding we will be up late and my kids will be to excited to sleep..

Get up at 8 am and have breakfast with kids and Novia..

Have to be at city Hall by 10.30 am for our 11 am city hall wedding..

Church Wedding is not till 6 pm…

Reception starts at 8 pm…

My Novia says there will be drinking and dancing first and Food is not till 10 – 10.30 pm.. WTF I am hungry now my wife I will say.. jajajaja

Kids will get tired and I will take them back to the hotel as soon as they and I eat. We have a good friend of Roxana that speaks great English taking care of my 9 and 12 yr old at the hotel all night in a separate hotel room..

11.45 pm .. I will make my first of many unsuccessful attempts to spirit my bride back to the hotel room early.. 

2 am .. I am having a blast and hammered.. Who the heck cares if we have to wait to consummate the marriage till the afternoon.. I have to have another drink again separately with My father in law and his 6 brothers , my new hermano in law and with Tom ( Chiclayo gringo )..

2.05 am.. Look at this drunk gringo singlefather dance..

3 am.. Will Viagra counter act the affects of alcohol ? 3.15 am who cares if it does or Not ..

3.10 am..  That Tom ( Chiclayo gringo ) can really dance..

Man o man this reception goes to 4 am .. That is what time the band stops..

So by 4 am I will be sauced and very very tired and go to sleep as soon as we get to the room… Yeah right..

I hope my wife's feet are not cold..

----------------------------------------------------

That is all for now..

Hey it is 1.45 am and I am tired and going to sleep , what kind of writing do you expect at this hour ?

singlefather


..

[raycjs]

S.F.

All i can say is you are one of a kind....................


Thank God


Ray

[singlefather no more]

S.F.

All i can say is you are one of a kind....................


Thank God


Ray

In all seriousness now.. My Novia Roxi is the most wonderful woman in the world.. I love her with all my heart and soul.. She is such a warm and loving woman with a heart of gold..

I never thought I would love again after my late wife died over 4.5 years ago..

Now I have had 2 great loves in my life.. I am lucky man to have found a great love again..

My post above was a lot in jest and I don't plan on getting drunk.. I might have 3-5 drinks over the whole night but I am a father first of all and if I have to leave the party to take care of my kids it will not be drunk.. I take that responsibility seriously..

Roxi does not drink much at all so I can have a couple..


Te amo Peru,


singlefather


..

[no comment]

Singlefather,
You are to stand up comedy what William Hung is to crooning!
                         

[singlefather no more]

That is why I say I did stand up comedy in my teens only.. I retired after that..

singlefather

..

[Bear]

That is why I say I did stand up comedy in my teens only.. I retired after that..

singlefather

Really glad to here that!

Just kidding.  Filipino weddings didn't meet my expectations at all.  I thought after we got through thanking everyone there would be singing and dancing but I said my part and everyone went home?  I thought for sure everyone would do a little dancing and drinking, but no.  I had planned on teaching everyone a line dance and having a great time.  Must of scared them huh?  I saw that humongous cake as we were leaving and said "whoa!"  Made Honey take the top off to save for the 1st year anniversary.  Glad I did cause never saw or heard what happened to that cake!  Bet the lady who sold it to us took it and sold it again. 

We did go to a second party?  What?  Seems some of the relatives who don't feel they could dress appropriately met at Honeys's family's nipa hut.  We made about a 15 minute stop there to introduce ourselves and Honey insisted we leave so we did.  Back to the Hotel where the first party was and our rooms.

Will you leave from there to go to some resort or do you plan on making it a "family" outing with the kids and stick someplace locally so that the kids don't panic for a week cause their dad is gone and they're in a strange country?

The Bear Family.

[singlefather no more]

Really glad to here that!

Just kidding.  Filipino weddings didn't meet my expectations at all.  I thought after we got through thanking everyone there would be singing and dancing but I said my part and everyone went home?  I thought for sure everyone would do a little dancing and drinking, but no.  I had planned on teaching everyone a line dance and having a great time.  Must of scared them huh?  I saw that humongous cake as we were leaving and said "whoa!"  Made Honey take the top off to save for the 1st year anniversary.  Glad I did cause never saw or heard what happened to that cake!  Bet the lady who sold it to us took it and sold it again. 

We did go to a second party?  What?  Seems some of the relatives who don't feel they could dress appropriately met at Honeys's family's nipa hut.  We made about a 15 minute stop there to introduce ourselves and Honey insisted we leave so we did.  Back to the Hotel where the first party was and our rooms.

Will you leave from there to go to some resort or do you plan on making it a "family" outing with the kids and stick someplace locally so that the kids don't panic for a week cause their dad is gone and they're in a strange country?

The Bear Family.

We have been planning to go to a Beach Resort 5 hours away for 2-4 days as a family.. This will depend on finances.. The kids will be with us always and I would never leave them by themselves in a strange country.

We are planning on getting some of Roxi family and her friends to take the kids out for a few hours at a time every day to very safe places like the Movies and the Mall well we have a nap..

singlefather

..

[Dave H]

Hey single father,

That was almost as good as being there! Save me some cake when you pass back through Miami 28 days later.  

Dave

[Dave H]

Made Honey take the top off to save for the 1st year anniversary.  Glad I did cause never saw or heard what happened to that cake!  Bet the lady who sold it to us took it and sold it again. 

The Bear Family.

Hey Bear,

What is up with those 'disappearing' Philippine cakes? I've been to many birthday parties, baptisms, and weddings and haven't eaten or seen anyone eat cake yet. The first 2 pics are from my daughter's Baptism/1st birthday party in the Philippines. The 3rd is from her second birthday and the last from her cousin's party. I just take pictures of cakes in the Philippines, because I never seem to eat them.  I don't know what happened to all of the friggin' cake! I think they wait to the very last second to cut the cake, after almost everyone is gone. I always eat GREAT cake at Latin American parties!

Dave

[Bear]

Honey's always saying the cakes here in America are ugly.  I guess I have to agree cause I've seen some awesome ones there and some really cheap ones here.

The Bear Family

[Dave H]

Honey's always saying the cakes here in America are ugly.  I guess I have to agree cause I've seen some awesome ones there and some really cheap ones here.

The Bear Family

Hey Bear,

You and Honey need to come here and try some of the Cuban cakes. She won't be disappointed. Not only are beautifully decorated, they delicious as well! My wife can't get enough of the cakes made at home by one Cubana! Unfortunately, she lives 30 miles from me. We need to give my wife's mother the South Beach - Coconut Grove tour soon, so maybe I will pick one up.

Dave

[Bear]

When is that next Filipino Festival coming up?  I still plan on coming if we can work it out.

How are you for ladies looking for introductions?  I got a friend I just found out who has been searching on Filipino Friend Finder with no success.  All I know currently are Honey's sister.  The others are married or with children.   This guy is somewhat of a genius and therefore can't tolerate people who lie or try to BS him.  He can retire next year as Director of Maintenance at one of the local ISDs.  He's about 55-58.  All children grown.  He's actually thinking about moving to Dubai after retiring to try something new maybe work for Siemens.

The Bear Family

[singlefather no more]

Speaking of condoms.. Here is a American Expat joke on condoms..

It is true that condoms are available in Peru, but Peruvians do not use them as much as foreigners. In fact, Peruvians give funny looks to foreigners who insist on using condoms to prevent disease in Peru.

Here's one example:

A guy I know comes to Peru for the first time and is afraid of getting a disease here, so he buys condoms. He's on a date and reaches in his wallet and takes out a condom. The girl says, "are you REALLY going to use that?" The guy says, I am taking no chances, this is a strange place and I am not getting sick!

The girl says, "but won't it taste funny?" The guy says, "I don't care, I am not getting sick."

The girl says, "what if it breaks?" The guy says, "I'll be careful."

Still hesitant, the girl says, "people are going to think you are very weird for using a condom here."

Un-moved by her dissuasion, the guy carefully unpackages the condom and carefully inserts his fork into it and commences to eat his fish cebiche dinner safely.

(PLOP!)


...

[InnocentVixen]

lol... I've read comments about your jokes before.... but you are just nervous/excited about the big day right? 

a hug for the lucky couple

[raycjs]

Please tell me you are going to keep your day job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There is no way you are going to support your new wife and your present family with those kind of joke's

Like i said before you are one of a kind........


I wish you the best and 10 days and counting......


Your friend
Ray

[Dave H]

Please tell me you are going to keep your day job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There is no way you are going to support your new wife and your present family with those kind of joke's

Like i said before you are one of a kind........


I wish you the best and 10 days and counting......


Your friend
Ray

Hey Ray,

As singlefather's manager, I think the time is ripe to announce that he is about to launch a world comedy tour. The first stop on his tour is your place. We have already began selling tickets through Ticket Master. He did tell me that he is willing to give you 10% of the gate. SF is still considering whether you will get a small percentage of the merchandise sales (CD, T-Shirt, palm buzzers, whoopi cushions, rubber dog poop).  He will make you an offer you can't refuse!

Sir Dave Humperdink
House of Humperdink Management (HHM)

[no comment]

It's a mystery to me that there are nay sayers like Dave H and others.  Am I the only one who understands the innocent charm of Singlefather's stand up routine?  Does no one else appreciate the irony in humor that is not funny?  I am willing to bet 20 soles that if Singlefather put his mind to it, he could be a great success on the bar mitzvah/ quinceanera circuit.

[Dave H]

It's a mystery to me that there are nay sayers like Dave H and others.  Am I the only one who understands the innocent charm of Singlefather's stand up routine?  Does no one else appreciate the irony in humor that is not funny?  I am willing to bet 20 soles that if Singlefather put his mind to it, he could be a great success on the bar mitzvah/ quinceanera circuit.

Hey no comment,

nay sayers? I am one of singlefather's biggest fans! I am part of the cast...I am playing Jerry 'The King Lawler to his brilliant Andy Kaufman! I think Raycjs may be Tony Clifton...for real!   I have the honor of knowing more than the average poster about singlefather's comedy roots!

Dave

[raycjs]

No Comment,

Since you understand the innocent charm of his stand up routine, I will count you in on 10 front row tickets @ $ 250.00 per ticket, 10 back stage passes with the meet and greet at a low bargin price of $500.00 per ticket. After the show if you still think his act is one of a kind like i do........ we will set you up with an all you can eat dinner with you and your 9 best friends at the Weston town Wendy's. Please forward to me your credit card info and i will have this S.F. one of a kind tour package out to you my the Morning. All you will need to do is travel to south Florida to meet the one and only S.F. on his brief one of a kind tour........ this offer is while supplies last
hurry because they will not last........................

Ray