Hi everyone

[veryserious]

I would just like to introduce myself. I am here trying to decide if I want to spend my vacation in Asia or South America. The one thing I am sure of is I want to find a wife in one of those places.

[Dave H]

Hi veryserious,

Welcome to P-L! Good luck with your search...wherever you decide to look!

Dave H.

[Jeff S]

Hi and welcome. How about telling us a little about yourself.

- Jeff

[Ray]

Hi very, welcome aboard.

Have you ever traveled to South America or Asia?

When are you taking a vaction and for how long?

What kind of budget are you on?

Do you speak any foreign languages?

[veryserious]

 I am a consultant and I travel a lot for business. While I am very intense in my work I am an easy going person out side of work. I love what I do and spend more time on it than I need to. My work involves a lot of research and I have been researching finding a wife from outside the country for some time now. It would appear that women from Asia and South America want to be traditional wifes and mothers more so than the women I meet,  and who also happen to be interested in me. I am not against the career woman at all I just don't want to marry one. I am 48 and have been single for 16 years. The last I have dated and operated my business. As for some of the other questions.

I plan to go the Philippines in October and depending how that goes I may also travel to  Columbia in December or back to the PI in January.

I am looking to meet a women that wants to be a full time wife and mother. I actually prefer a woman that may have one or more children.  I am not looking for a women under 28 but I will rule nothing out. I plan to take my time chat with and e-mail some women once I have paid for my tickets and have a date certain. If  I decide to go to the Philippines I will stay for a month. I don't really have a budget for the trip I would  however be prepared to spend $100 not including hotel.  I sure I won't need to spend that much but don't want to be tight either. If I go to Columbia I know a guy who has a condo their I can rent and it is so inexpensive and close ( I live in Ohio) I would go back within a month or two if I like it. I have never been out of the country and don't speak any other languages. If I decide on Columbia I will but the Rosetta Stone software in August.

[Bear]

I met my wife when I was 45 while ending a 25 year marriage.  I honestly didn't think anyone under 30 would be interested but I wanted a woman with no children and see women over 40 as not a good idea for bearing children.  When my wife, who was 19 (a few weeks before her 20th birthday), started showing some interests I nearly freaked out.  I could see jail time in my future.  Of course she was quite indignant but it wasn't her it was the stigma associated with older men and younger women and particularly older divorced men and "trophy wives".  Although most will push the 1/2 plus 7 on ideal spouse age and talk about the maturity of younger women I see it very different now.  The Filipinas I know have dealt with tremendous character developing situations that US children get sheltered from, making them more likely to react in a seemingly mature response to situations.  But Filipinas are lacking in one-on-one social skills - they haven't a clue how to react to a husband till they start working it out together; US children seem to have nothing but this experience since all it seems they do is "party".

Basically I'm saying with Filipinas don't age limit them to 28 with children.  The older a girl, or anyone else for that matter, gets the less likely they'll be willing to adapt to you and with their one-on-one skills being so poor I think it would be harder at least at the start.  Might be wrong - it happened once 35 years ago?

With Filipinas be sure you let it be known upfront and in a strong manner you want a stay at home Mom.  Many have goals of working to assist their families and a stay at home Mom can't do that.  Might have to add/adjust your budget plans to helping her family.  Originally I did that but now my wife has decided to end it.

Remember that the R.P. is the 3rd largest English speaking country in the world and their are very strong ties religiously, politically, and socially with America (at least till Bush).

Buying the tickets before meeting the girl is definitely putting the cart before the horse.  It also removes good information gather techniques.  I wrote 13 ladies at one point and intended to let one or more handle planning my trip, ended up just letting my wife.  I was able to see her honesty, efforts and skill in issues like money dealings.  Quite a few others have done the same and a few are glad they did as the lady spent the money on anything but his vacation.  I do know of one guy who just toured the country and found a beautiful lady, courted her, got married, brought her home and then she left him.  Didn't spend enough time talking before marrying - use the chat/phone.

I think your chances of finding a responsible lady to be a stay-at-home-Mom is far superior with Filipinos that Colombians but I am clearly prejustice.

The Bear Family

[Ray]

Bear, a couple of comments on your post.

On the half your age + seven formula, I don’t see that as any kind of ideal age, but as a minimum age for bettering the odds at making a marriage work. I have nothing against the older guys who prefer (legal) teenagers, but I don’t recommend it because you often end up acting more like a father than a husband until she grows up.

Also, I don’t buy into the idea that foreign girls, particularly Filipina girls are more mature for their age than their American counterparts. From my experience, I have found exactly the opposite to be true.

Finding a Filipina stay-at-home mom is going to be real tough. Of the Filipinas in the States I have known. I’d have to say that at least 95% have wanted to work outside the home at sometime during their marriage. Using day care or relatives to watch the children while they are away at work is perfectly normal for most Filipina women. Wanting to help the family back home is a strong motivation like you said and it should be expected, not dreaded. Just look at all the Filipina moms with small children who are working overseas while family members back home raise their children. It’s becoming almost the norm for OCWs.

I do agree with you that waiting until your trip is close at hand before contacting some ladies is a difficult way to go. Having a firmly established friendship with one or more Filipinos will be a big asset when visiting the country for the first time. He can make use of those friends for “tour guides” during his trip. Going there to meet ladies cold has worked for a few guys so I can’t condemn that approach either. I guess it all depends on how adventurous you are.

Ray

[Dave H]

I do know of one guy who just toured the country and found a beautiful lady, courted her, got married, brought her home and then she left him.

Hey veryserious,

I have seen this happen to guys like Bear mentioned. On the otherhand, as Ray said, it "has worked for a few guys." I used to think that was a good way to meet a Filipina. After living in the Philippines for a short time, I realized this could lead many foreigners into trouble. We really don't understand their culture. The problem being that most Filipinas that are good candidates to make a nice wife, will not talk to you. If you try to meet one in public without a proper introduction, they will hide their faces with their hands and turn away in shyness, then walk away. Most of the ladies that will talk to you and agree to go to lunch or out with you are Ho's. Even most Ho's in the Philippines seem so innocent and sweet. Many dress conservatively and attend Catholic mass or church on a regular basis.

Before I learned, sometimes I used to talk to "nice" school girls and young ladies who I thought were practicing their English skills. My wife or others would have to tell me their real intentions. One seemingly nice high school girl (in uniform) used to visit a house in our barangay. She would stop to talk to me when I was working on one of our vehicles in our nearby garage. Sometimes other young girls would come with her. I thought that she was visiting a friend. I later found out she was on their way to the boyfriend's drug house to sniff "rugby" (glue) or do shabu. She ended up getting pregnant at 14 or 15 and had all kinds of complications due to her immature physical structure and drug usage.

The exception might be someone who interacts with foreigners on a regular basis through legitmate employment. Don't get me wrong, there are many nice school kids and ladies who will practice talking to you, usually in a group. They will take turns asking questions, giggle a lot, and act very shy.

If you are planning to go to the Philippines in October, I would recommend meeting some ladies first as Ray said. I prefer introductions through friends or family, but other methods such as penpal clubs and online chat have worked for others. Or just go with the goal of having a wonderful vacation. Since you are looking for a wife, I would recommend staying out of the "candy stores" (bars with ladies for "rent"). I have seen many foreigners who have gotten sidetracked there, even the so called devout "born again" religious type!

Good Luck!

Dave

[Bear]

Ray I think we agree.  I see Filipinas as mature in "life experiences" (having to go hungry in hard time, rape, death, etc.) but not so much in personal relationships.  I see American children as very savy one-on-one but clueless on how to run a home and no desire to learn - ever.  I'd rather have a women that throws her tampo when she mad but saves me $100 on our bills that some slut who knows how to have sex and cry because I'm not taking her out to eat on our limited budget.  Yea it can get pretty tough until that relationship develops but for me was was worth it.

Odd how I found out Honey wanted to stay home.  I had actually resigned myself to her working when I asked her what she intended.  She said she'd like to stay home if she could (I think sending money home at that point didn't mean much).  I explained it would be that way and once we started that road it would have to be that way till the children were at minimum in school.  She balked a few times when or budget got tough or she felt her family was trying to take advantage of us but settled in pretty well.  I recently taught our oldest how to read, write, spell and do some math in the awesome time of 2 months!

I guess I just know a lot of pretty responsible Filipinas and very few of anything else.  I'm not extremely experienced in different cultures but it seems to me that most just don't want marriage and the responsibility that comes with it.  Like I said I was wrong once about 35 years ago.

The Bear Family

[Dave H]

I don't think most Filipinas are very experienced and mature when it comes to relationships. It is not unusual to meet a virgin in her 30's, 40's and beyond. But when it comes to life experience...dealing with birth, life, illness, accidents, and death on a daily basis matures them in other ways. Helping from a young age to run a household, taking care of younger siblings, carrying pails of water from the well or river, washing clothes by hand, cooking with what little can be obtained, cleaning, and putting the needs of the family first. Understanding that a good education is something to treasure... "Rich" Filipinas are a different matter all together, very similar to many Latinas in my libro.

Dave

[Ray]

I don't think most Filipinas are very experienced and mature when it comes to relationships. It is not unusual to meet a virgin in her 30's, 40's and beyond. But when it comes to life experience...dealing with birth, life, illness, accidents, and death on a daily basis matures them in other ways. Helping from a young age to run a household, taking care of younger siblings, carrying pails of water from the well or river, washing clothes by hand, cooking with what little can be obtained, cleaning, and putting the needs of the family first. Understanding that a good education is something to treasure... "Rich" Filipinas are a different matter all together, very similar to many Latinas in my libro.

Dave

Dave, that stuff is certainly true for SOME Filipinas, probably more so for those living way out in the provinces.

But you may be surprised at how many Filipina women I know who get married and can’t even cook a pot of rice. They know practically nothing about caring for young children, cleaning, cooking, doing laundry by hand, or carrying pails of water. Many families over there have live-in yayas/helpers/maids and the children don’t do anything meaningful in the way of normal housework.

In my wife’s case, she was an oldest daughter with younger siblings and she lived with a cousin in Butuan when she was in college and was a yaya (nanny) for their young daughter. She also did some domestic work and acted as nanny for a family in Malaysia, so she knew a lot about running a household when we married.

But her cousin who came over on a special nurse’s visa couldn’t even cook rice. She never cooked or cleaned or cared for younger children. When she married over here at 30, she had to start from scratch. When she had her first baby, she brought mom and dad over for 6 months to help care for the little one.

My wife’s niece from Butuan, who she helped raise, married an American man and now lives in the L.A. area. She also couldn’t cook anything when she came over. When she recently got pregnant, she was all scared because she didn’t know what to do with baby. When she found out she was having twins, she really panicked. She hired a Filipina live-in yaya to help with the kids and do some cooking & housework.

A lot of the Filinas who grew up in the city with live-in help don’t get any experience like you mentioned, certainly less than my American daughters got. And those families they grew up in were by no means “rich”.

It really is not unusual for a younger female relative to live with a family and do housework while going to school. They will typically get room & board and a small allowance for their work. Those live-in yayas/helpers are the ones getting the experience you mentioned, but not necessarily the children of the house.

Ray

[veryserious]

Good information there is nothing like feedback from people who have been through the process.  I am flexible and  I am not desperate. I would like to know how to make contact with some people but I only know any one from the Philippines. I am signed up for a site where you can chat and exchange e-mail without giving my e-mail address. But I would suspect that you will get a good number of scamers and gold diggers. Because of the business I am in I can leave when I please and as long as I can access   the internet stay as long as I wish. Does any one have any suggestions on how I can get some referrals. 

Taking Bear's advice and experience into consideration I will now limit my search to 28 and above. As far as the women working I make a very good living and I think I could give her family more than she could working, I also could offer her a job working for my firm from our home. I feel very strongly about a wife being home with the children until they are at least in school full time.

I would like to thank everyone for all the good information

[Bob_S]

I also could offer her a job working for my firm from our home.

Uh, you might want to re-think that.  Money and love juices don't make for a good mix.  What will you do if she sits around the home office all day chatting on the phone to friends and family?  Fire her?  That'll get you lots of sweet sweet lovin'.    Better wait and see what kind of diligent team player she is before making those kinds of plans.

[Dave H]

Hey Ray,


Absolutely true that those "live-in yayas/helpers are the ones getting the experience" most of the time. When I was in the hospital, a well off Filipina nurse from Manila told me that she never cooked, or washed a dish until she married. She told me it was very common with well off Filipinas with household help and that teir only task was to study and do well in school.

I was going to say stay away from wealthier girls and stay out of big cities like Manila, but now you are telling me that those women exist even in my beloved Butuan City!  Man I lead a sheltered life! I need to get out of our barangay more!  OK how about this...Stay away from "SPOILED" ladies who don't even know how to cook rice.  My wife started cooking rice at 5 AM, on a wood fire when she was 10 years old. She grew up with helpers and yayas in the house, but still learned how to work. I guess the difference is that her parents saw to it that their kids learned how to work.  Until this day, my wife's family doesn't sit back and let the household helpers do all of the work. They eat the same food and together at the same table as us, unlike in many Philippines households. When I am there, we eat crabs every day!  They are part of our family.

Dave

[jm21-2]

I have been surprised by the number of girls from all countries who can't cook. I thought American girls were a bit more unique in their inability...because good food isn't important to most people here and they don't want to be seen as traditional women....but it appears I was wrong. Whether it be because their mom always cooked for them, eating out is extremely cheap, apartments for single people don't have kitchens, or whatever, I have chatted with I think one girl (Chinese) who can cook more than a couple things. It's always "oh, of course I can cook!" Then a few days later you find out she can only cook mashed potatoes or fried rice or something along those lines, and the last time she cooked anything was 2 years ago.

[Ray]

When I am there, we eat crabs every day!  They are part of our family.

The crabs are part of your family? And you eat them??   

[Bear]

If your smart, and until you are very sure that this lady could be the "one", other than letting them know you are financially capable, DO NOT DISCUSS MONEY.  Requests for money are not death blows but enough to put the relationship in intensive care.  I have heard lies that just couldn't be lies from some incredible scammers.  Generally a good Filipina won't take your money, some even after marriage if they think they can handle it on their own.

Letting any of them know your point-of-view on issues important to you, before you know theirs, is a guarantee you'll probably never know theirs.  Just let them know you're "marriage minded, healthy, intend on finding true love and having a successful married life" and be serious about every word.  All those things they want too.  Start asking questions and tell them why (see above) and after she's answered then give yours and discuss it.  Your in charge, they like that cause its secure and if your successful they win.  Try to trip them up and ask it again later from a different aspect to see if they're lying.  Do not be alarmed if they do not answer because they may see it as unimportant or your responsibility.  Just press the issue and why its important that your hear their point-of-view.  The scammers will run (mostly) or lie and its up to you do find that out.  Not all, but a lot of Filipinas with a "bad attitude" will say (should you make the big mistake) "you didn't ask so I didn't tell and therefore its "YOUR FAULT", and by their beliefs and culture they are right.  And if you wanted something your not getting then thats the reason why, you didn't ask.  If its important, ASK, say you want it and find out what they want too.  It gives them choice where after the marriage could seem like "no choice/force".

Filipinas are susceptible to peer pressure, not sure why but they seem to crave input from others of their culture even when its a lie or insult?!  But this also means a good man can use that to guide his woman to the place he needs her to be just by simply know where that peer pressure is coming from and controlling it.  Comments like I want a "simple life" mean they intend to be submissive BUT you had better be making her happy.  When they aren't happy they start with "tampo" (silent treatment temper tantrums) where they still perform all the wifely duties but don't talk to you.  They expect some serious pampering and SOON.  But that can only occur after you find out what they are mad about and good luck to that since they aren't talking.  Devious, huh!

Peer pressure includes their family.  Know where they stand because a Filipina who is on the outs with her family is a different sort of creature - almost never happy.  BUT one who is too close 'might' try to use you under their influence.  Be smart and know this situation extremely well - look for issues to discuss here.  This goes back to the sending money home.  The average provincial family makes less than $100/mo., in the larger cites like Manila maybe $2-300/mo.  Sending more that that is a recipe for doom.  When I told my father-in-law I was going to send my wife $200/mo after we got married he quit his job and declared himself rich.  He had been raising a family of 8 putting 2 through college on $80/mo.  When my wife refused that amount as unnecessary they became very angry and instead of my wife enjoying her last few months at home with her family, they ended up hating each other.  So what you might see as generosity might actually cause a lot of pain, maybe even pain for you.  Should you start sending it expect it will never cease or lessen because you are now the sole support of the recipient(s).

If you are stupid, meaning not paying attention to the redflags that pop up "you will be used" and be assured, its your fault because they see a fool as someone not deserving of respect or his money and couldn't give a flip about his feelings.  They will respond to a man being in charge but be smart again if they are happy then so will you be.  Be too controlling or give them too much freedom too fast and they could turn 180 degrees the other way out of lack of respect and peer pressure.  Simple life also means you're protecting them and security is surprising of high value.  Too much freedom isn't secure and might even be scary so peer pressure might fill the gap and direct it differently than you would.  Too much control becomes slavery, so the resolution is to find out what they want and make it your decision that they get it.  The simple life and security for them and work for you but also a lot of love and respect.  Push softly until they get use to giving opinions, getting one from my wife used to be like pulling teeth.  Simple life means they they just get what they want but you made the decision how do you do that if you don't know?

Like all things this isn't absolute.  I'm sure before the internet quits humming with my upload someone is posting a contradiction, alternate opinion or rebuttal but pay attention and see if you don't end up agreeing generally.  I really don't know how I could be happier but I've slammed into a few doors missing the signals.  Once married don't expect Filipinas to be any different than most women, just a tad more old fashion in values.

The Bear Family

[Dave H]

Hey Ray,

Yep, those crabs are family to me and San Miguel is a "Old Friend!"  My mother-in-law puts the crabs in a big pot and pores in a 1 liter bottle of Sprite for them to drink. OK family is family, but those crabs are not drinking my San Miguel! I sit back, drink an ice cold San Miguel...then I hear the crabs calling me..."Eat me Kuya...eat me!" 

Dave

[Dave H]

Hi veryserious,

Sorry I got a "little" sidetracked and off topic.  It looks like you have a lot to offer and would do well with a nice Filipina.The fact that you are not desperate is a big advantage! Being able to leave when you please and stay as long as you wish is also a big plus. Filipinas know that many men they communicate with will never go to meet them in person. Meeting face to face moves things up to a whole new level. Again, English should not be much of a problem with most ladies. They often don't understand our slang or expressions, but quickly learn.

Although my wife has a BSN (nurse), she has no problem staying home to take care of our preschool aged daughter (and me).  Her sister also has a BSN and is a housewife because her husband does not want her to work.

You can spend less than $100 per day (including hotel) in the Philippines and still have an incredible time! As far as hotel rates, they  are usually much cheaper away from the bigger cities. The current exchange rate is about P45.5 (Philippine Pisos) to $1 (US). Food costs and almost everything else, except fuel (about the same as here) are very inexpensive.

There are lots of people here at P-L, including Filipinas, that could probably introduce you to a very nice family member or friend.

Good Luck!

Dave

[veryserious]

Good very good information Bear and Dave H. How would I go about getting a introduction?

 I chatted on cherry blossom.  I almost felt like I was being attacked and did not even post a picture. I may be new but I also think I can spot a scammer. I will not send money to anyone I have not met under any circumstances.

 But anyway I talked to a lady that was very nice who recommend that I talk to her college professor but I have not heard from the professor.

Also the ladies I chatted with were not my type or were scammers (want to talk in private room?, I am sad with a sad story) It is amazing to me that guys would send money to someone they had just talk to online, but I know it happens.

[Bear]

I wouldn't say they're not your type.  I'd say the majority are scammers and you don't know if you have attracted a good lady yet.  Its definitely a process to start identifying the bad ones but there are good ones there also.  The good ones might not be looking for you so look for them - believe me thats safer anyway.

When I used to chat on the old dalnet using pIRCh I used a handle "a_lonely_male" until I had more ladies that I could have a good conversation with, then I'd change it to my real name.  I'd get hundreds of requests to chat and it is where I met my wife.  I loved it - it was awesome for my ego .  I remember a few scammers but honestly not as many as there seem to be nowadays.  I only knew one Filipina at that time here in the sates (turned out I knew more and just didn't pay attention) and she wanted me to meet her cousin but I saw her with a picture of her daughter and wanted to meet her instead.  She was surprised and intended to do it but I lost that job and didn't get back over to where I could get the contact info. I live/work in Houston and there are Filipinas all around the Hospitals here, we have one of the worlds largest medical centers.  I was trying to find where they hung out and wasn't having much success.  When Honey got here, we went to church that Sunday and sitting on the front row with a family from my church of seven years I didn't know were Filipinos were four unattached Filipina nurses.  Turns out that family ran an employment agency for nurses and "if they had known I was interested" would have introduced me to as many as I wanted them too.  (same family now wants me to come to the R.P. and manage a Hospital for them). Two guys at another location I thought were Hispanics said if they'd known, they had a few relatives they would have introduced me too and this one receptionist at BP got mad because she wanted to bring her sister here and "we would have been perfect together" in her words.  I bet you know some Filipinas and just haven't noticed. and all Filipinos have someone to introduce you to.

The Bear Family

[veryserious]

Thanks bear! You know what I think you are correct. Now that i think of it a agency I once volunteered at there was a elderly lady that worked there that was from the Philippines and I met a lady behind the counter at the Asian store who is from the PI also. I think I will start with them.

[Dave H]

Hi veryserious,

I am amazed at all the Filipinos living around me that I never noticed before. They usually look somewhat Asian, but with a Spanish surname.

I really wasn't looking for a wife. I met my wife (she wasn't looking for  husband) through her brother-in-law (American). We both happened to visit a mutual friend at the same time. He was with his wife (my wife's sister) and we began talking. I mentioned that I was interested in Philippine history and wanted to visit one day. He suggested that I might write to his wife's sister for a contact there. I was growing a beard at the time and doing some remodeling for my friend. I looked a bit rough! His wife looked like she was going to kill him!!!  Well...after writing, it turned out that we had a lot in common. I began calling and we started to like each other. It all worked out and we have been married for almost  7 years.

Good Luck!

Dave