Fathertime takes a stand or is cold-hearted!

[fathertime]

This evening my lady asked to borrow money to pay rent for the family.  She became all worked up and had to really suck it up to ask me. She put in about a dozen disclaimers and was not even able to look at me (Via webcam) as she asked the question.  I flatly said NO.  I said "Do whatever you have done in the past to solve your temporary financial problems"  I further added "I do not want money to have anything to do with our relationship" 

I feel a little like a cold-hearted basssterd but I think my decision is for the best.  Funny thing was, she brightened right up, after I said "NO".  I almost got the feeling she was happy I said "NO". 

I'm not entirely sure what to make of the whole scene, but things are going better then ever between us and I am keeping money out of the equation for now & maybe forever.  I will control the money and that is pretty much that!  Far down the road if she wants/needs to send money back, I really don't have a problem with that, so long as it is reasonable & she is making me feel good about having her around...At this early time in the relationship, I refuse to have money become a theme in our conversations.

Fathertime!

[sean126]

FT---Hero of Studs,

A little info if you please. 

How long been dating, are you engaged and going through the visa process now and how much have you seen her in person?

Nosey people want to know.  

[utopiacowboy]

You da man!

[fathertime]

FT---Hero of Studs,

A little info if you please. 

How long been dating, are you engaged and going through the visa process now and how much have you seen her in person?

Nosey people want to know.  

"Dating" is such a corny word nosey-man !  Engaged: yes!  Visa process: Yes!  One week in person, what can I say? I'm a fast love I guess and so is she!  In my own defense we speak/see each other daily on the webcam!  I've now known my girl for 6 months.  I'm convinced she is solid and no pretender, but what the hell do I know!

Fathertime!

[fathertime]

You da man!

Thanks UC.  I am slightly torn over my decision, but I do think it was proper at this juncture. 

Fathertime!

[Frank Rizzo]

Yep....don't do it baby...!!  Good call....

[sean126]

Well...I was getting the info and making a tally of the votes. 

Since your such an admired hero of mine and studs around the world...I'll give you the "cream puff" side of me that I rarely show (hee hee) and just say....I think your about 50-50, in response to your rhetorical question. I realize I'm in the minority though.   I'm glad she didn't take it the wrong way and was mature about it.  That's a very good sign of her character.....unless she's now plotting your ruin after she marrys you.  LOLOLOLOLOLOL.   Seriously...that's a good sign dude.

[doombug]

This evening my lady asked to borrow money to pay rent for the family. ... I flatly said NO.

Better hope the family isn't fond of sopa de testículo.

Or flambéed and skewered gringo nuts.

[EbonyPrince]

Playa, PLAAAAYA....  Lay it down...

You did the absolutely right thing.  In my experience, women absolutely do not respect weak men.  I wouldn't lose sleep over it.  You let her know that all American men aren't weak. I don't mind giving money, but it will be absolutely on my terms when I want to do it.

You are da man.  When I grow up I want to be just like you.  Can I have your autograph?

[singlefather no more]

fathertime,

Good call , It must have been a real tough decision for you because of the emotional attachment. It is good that you have decided to keep money out of your relationship.

On the other hand , does she have her own computer at home or is she paying everyday to chat and webcam with you at an internet cafe ? Does she usually pay the rent ? Is she using any of her rent money, or money, she contributes usually to the family ,to chat with you ?

singlefather

[Calipro]

This evening my lady asked to borrow money to pay rent for the family.  She became all worked up and had to really suck it up to ask me.

I feel a little like a cold-hearted basssterd but I think my decision is for the best.  Funny thing was, she brightened right up, after I said "NO".  I almost got the feeling she was happy I said "NO". 

I'm not entirely sure what to make of the whole scene, but things are going better then ever between us and I am keeping money out of the equation for now & maybe forever.  I will control the money and that is pretty much that!  Far down the road if she wants/needs to send money back, I really don't have a problem with that, so long as it is reasonable & she is making me feel good about having her around...At this early time in the relationship, I refuse to have money become a theme in our conversations.

Fathertime!

Sounds to me like the family put her up to it and she really likes you. It's a lot easier for a colombiana to ask for money from someone she doesn't care about or what they think of her.

You have only been with her a week but at some point she is going to expect you to contribute to her well being or she just isn't going to take you seriously.

Besides even if she has a job you are going to want to give her enough support (at some point) so she can tell the boss NO the next time he wants a blow job without her having to worry about starving to death. hehehe !!!!

I have personally been appalled at the presure and guilt trip colombian families have put on young women when they find out she is dating a gringo. It can be down right disgusting.

I would take care of a colombiana that I was really serious about but I would never give money to or help her family in anyway but that's just me.

If she gets a job in the states and wants to send her hard earned money back to the family then I'd let her but that is about it.

[fathertime]

I would take care of a colombiana that I was really serious about but I would never give money to or help her family in anyway but that's just me

In the future, if my lady is earning money or contributing in other ways to my happiness then I really don't care if I needed to send a reasonable amount of cash every so often to help her DIRECT family (Mom).  What I don't want is a monthly check-writing session.  I am not going to be a freaking absentee Santa Claus.  I think I am setting the right tone up front.  I will be curious to see how this plays out down the road a year or two.

Fathertime!

[fathertime]

fathertime,

 

On the other hand , does she have her own computer at home or is she paying everyday to chat and webcam with you at an internet cafe ? Does she usually pay the rent ? Is she using any of her rent money, or money, she contributes usually to the family ,to chat with you ?

singlefather

You have hit the nail on the head.  Although I said NO to her, I do realize that she is paying her own way at the internet cafe and she is not working like she would if I weren't around.  That is what made the decision not so clear cut. 

That being said, I do not want to promote further "Assistance" by answering the call on this first foray.  The family has other resources and I will not become their default welfare department.  That is not what I want my relationship/marriage to be about.  Perhaps that would be a deal breaker for some laidies who were never all that interested to begin with, but in this case my lady doesn't seem to worried.  Since that is the case, neither am I.

Fathertime!

 

[Santanger]

Stay strong bro, her or her family's true colors will eventually come out but it will take a little time. You made the right call.

[Jeff S]

You cold hearted cheapskate - sit up here in the lap of luxury while she goes hungry down there. 

  Thought someone should pluck those guilt strings. 

[daytrader]

Good call FT...keep dinero out of the relationship as long as possible.  Glad to hear it actually strengthened the relationship, sounds like she was put up to it by familia.

DayTrader

[michaelb]

Here's the dissenting voice....well maybe, depends on the answer to this question. Is she currently contributing all or a significant part of keeping the family afloat financially (as in paying the rent or buying the food)? If she is and you bring her to El Norte, who's going to pay for it then? I know, I know, I can read, you said if she wants to get a job and send her money, that's fine.....but what skills does she have and how much English does she have? McBurger doesn't pay that much and you'd hate to see the family put on the street because she came up here to be with you. So if she's contributing now and you remove that income from the family, you're (at least morally) obligated to take up the slack, at least until she can get her financial feet under her up here. OTOH, if she isn't a financial pillar now, no need for the family to think they just won the gringo lottery.

Sure now, I don't know the answer to that question (she isn't my girl), but you should and you should be prepared to do the right thing......not saying you won't, just calling the possibility to your attention.     

[jm21-2]

I would much rather send some money than have my wife work at some minimum wage job, especially when she's  new here, and develop habits/attitudes/language/etc based on the people she meets there.

[fathertime]

Here's the dissenting voice....well maybe, depends on the answer to this question. Is she currently contributing all or a significant part of keeping the family afloat financially (as in paying the rent or buying the food)? If she is and you bring her to El Norte, who's going to pay for it then? I know, I know, I can read, you said if she wants to get a job and send her money, that's fine.....but what skills does she have and how much English does she have? McBurger doesn't pay that much and you'd hate to see the family put on the street because she came up here to be with you. So if she's contributing now and you remove that income from the family, you're (at least morally) obligated to take up the slack, at least until she can get her financial feet under her up here. OTOH, if she isn't a financial pillar now, no need for the family to think they just won the gringo lottery.

Sure now, I don't know the answer to that question (she isn't my girl), but you should and you should be prepared to do the right thing......not saying you won't, just calling the possibility to your attention.     

First, thank you sir for taking your time to add these cogent & relevant thoughts to the thread.

 I feel and accept no obligation to financially support my lady's family at this time.  They are able-bodied people.  They always survived even when my girl was living elsewhere.  Things change and people have to suck it up.   Any family member that believes getting married to this American means an automatic life on easy street, is mistaken.  I have my own family, children & ex-wife to support here!  Nobody else takes a bite of my tender ass unless I decide I want to allow further feasting.   This minor episode is truly a blessing because bringing the issue to the fore enables me to reaffirm my position and since my lady has willingly accepted this position, we can move on to other topics, at least for now. 
All that being said, if it really came down to my lady’s family getting pushed into the street, I would certainly step in and prevent this from happening, but I do not want to be the first, second, or even third option.  I want to be the last and not a guarantee that I am going to say “Yes” option.  I am only to be called on in an absolute emergency.  My action/inaction in this first financial request should begin to set the precedent I seek.  Down the road I may soften up because It would be my duty to keep my woman happy & a little money here and there is going to make no difference in our lives. 

Fathertime!

[Frank Rizzo]

Pappa time...have you ever thought of just buying a place down there and starting a fam there? Just give it a few minutes b4 you bring one back. It really solves lots of problems and you can really concentrate on making those frog-pelts up here, keep your head in the game and knock down that mountain of cash here and keep them there. Just a thought and plan that a few of us are doing.

Good luck in whatever you decide.

[Calipro]

Here's the dissenting voice....well maybe, depends on the answer to this question. Is she currently contributing all or a significant part of keeping the family afloat financially (as in paying the rent or buying the food)? If she is and you bring her to El Norte, who's going to pay for it then? I know, I know, I can read, you said if she wants to get a job and send her money, that's fine.....but what skills does she have and how much English does she have? McBurger doesn't pay that much and you'd hate to see the family put on the street because she came up here to be with you. So if she's contributing now and you remove that income from the family, you're (at least morally) obligated to take up the slack, at least until she can get her financial feet under her up here. OTOH, if she isn't a financial pillar now, no need for the family to think they just won the gringo lottery.

Sure now, I don't know the answer to that question (she isn't my girl), but you should and you should be prepared to do the right thing......not saying you won't, just calling the possibility to your attention.     

I absolutely despise colombian families that put pressure on young women to get money from men with little concern about they have to do to convince the guy to hand over the cash.

How does any young beautiful girl become a financial pillar of the family unless they are pushing her to sell her ass?

[Ray]

   
                   Fathertime's cold, cold heart


I understand where you're coming from FT. I probably would have been a little gentler and just said NO without the lecture.   

I am a firm believer in keeping money out of any "early" relationship, before there is a firm commitment. Since you are in a committed relationship (formal engagement) with a visa in progress, it is certainly OK to send her money. It is also OK to be a cheap ass, so you are not doing anything wrong IMO.

But with the visa process progressing along, how is she doing all of the prep stuff without any financial assist from you?? If you aren’t sending her anything now, she will have some considerable expenses real soon, like passport fees, med exam fees, visa application fees, travel & lodging expenses, shopping for clothes and personal stuff to bring, going away parties, etc., etc., etc…

When I was awaiting my fiancée visa I sent a little money every month but didn’t ask where it was being spent. I left it up to her to budget her funds appropriately.

Sending money home later after she is here is almost customary but certainly not an absolute. I would start discussing all these money matters now so you two can come to a general agreement where everyone is happy and hopefully avoiding future conflicts.

I think you are right not to want to send a monthly check to the family. If you do help your wife’s family, I would suggest irregular remittances and/or considering special requests for emergencies or special occasions, as needed. Once you start with the monthly payments, you have just effectively adopted new dependents and they will plan their lives around that check and probably spend it before it arrives. I think a better alternative is a separate savings account where you two can put extra monies until it is needed to either help out the family occasionally or to fund trips home for family visits. Just don’t put her family in a position of depending on a monthly check.

How is the visa process progressing?

Ray

[markanthony7]

In my personal opinion she passed a loyalty test, if she would got an attitude, resentful or alienated her self from you, then it would have been a clear indication that your relationship with her was only about money but she held her resolve and did not become indignant or attitudal, IMO you might have a winner!!!!, if she would have had the opposite reaction I would have said be very cautious or find an excuse to terminate the relationship

[fathertime]

Posted on: Yesterday at 11:37:13 PMPosted by: mecca 
Insert Quote
Pappa time...have you ever thought of just buying a place down there and starting a fam there?

Howdy Mecca,  Yes I have thought of this, but would not move to Colombia until my current children are much older and independent.  I really am needed and would never consider missing their childhood & teenage years.

I understand where you're coming from FT. I probably would have been a little gentler and just said NO without the lecture.   

Hey Ray, I still have a copy of the transcript, and I did not lecture her, I explained in two sentences why I said no and that was the end of it.  I thought I minimized her twisting in the wind as much as possible while explaining my position. 

But with the visa process progressing along, how is she doing all of the prep stuff without any financial assist from you??

I am covering all these expenses.  That is a given. 


I do appreaciate your view on this matter Ray, I realize at some point I will be sending $$ to mama, but I still think it is a little too early to begin that routine.  After she arrives and we get situated, an irregular chunk of cash here and there would be just fine.  I must agree with you though, I am being a bit of a cheap ass at the moment!

The visa process is moving along but you never know until she actually arrives.

BTW: Nice Pic.  Looks like a pig heart. Just perfect for me!  

Fathertime!

[fathertime]

In my personal opinion she passed a loyalty test, if she would got an attitude, resentful or alienated her self from you, then it would have been a clear indication that your relationship with her was only about money but she held her resolve and did not become indignant or attitudal, IMO you might have a winner!!!!, if she would have had the opposite reaction I would have said be very cautious or find an excuse to terminate the relationship

Thanks for Reaffirming my own thoughts MA.  I definately know she is in this for the right reasons.  Her reaction to my "NO" was a very good sign.  She is good woman and I must work to keep her that way!


Fathertime!