Divorcio Parece Inevitable

[jm21-2]

Maybe I'm missing something, but how is $150/month a big enough deal to think about divorce? $150/month is incredibly low upkeep imho. I mean...if you're already paying for clothes and make-up...a pair of designer jeans is about $150? You could spend $150/month on make-up easy. Car payments and insurance could be over $150/month easily. Hell, haircuts can cost over $150 without too much trouble. New cell phone is $400-500? Now I don't spend money like that, but there are _plenty_ of girls who do...

I just don't see how $150 per month is a cause for alarm....unless you're making minimum wage or something...but then why would you ever think about flying to another country to look for a wife, and how could you afford to?

EDIT: maybe it's a case of...ah, what's that saying...the straw that broke the camel's back?
You'd be better off looking at the entire picture of your family expenses than just at the $150/month you're giving her for spending. Show her how you're cutting back in other areas, and try to balance everything out as best you can. Like Sean said, let her work with you and explain the budget to her and what the prices for things are.

I think also that although UTC may have a point about marrying immature girls...some guys don't do much to dissuade them from being immature, may actually like it...and they thus sow the seeds of their own demise. I've seen a couple of times where the guy never talks about finances or budgets with his girl, always tells her things will be fine and she shouldn't ever worry about money, then is surprised when he runs into some sort of money troubles and she doesn't understand what the big deal is.

There's some sort of ego boost some guys get from the girl being dependent on them or something....or maybe they feel like they're more manly and in charge if they're the only one who understands the family finances? I don't get it and don't really have a clue why anyone would walk down that path...

EDIT:
On a side-note, I notice from glancing at the karma scores that people seem to be getting much friendlier with the "smite" button...I don't suppose there's a way to tell who smited us and maybe where or why?

[el_ruso]

I tend to agree that $150/ month is nothing.  It might be something in Colombia, but in US it is nothing.

I kinda agree with Utopia that many women have a level of financial responsibility of children.  I just learned to accept it, and my income is enough to pay bills.  I do not expect nor need that she will be contributing to me financially, but if something is beyond my means I will not give her money for it either.  I make it clear to any girl I meet that I am not poor, but neither I am a millionaire.  I am generous when I have resources for that, but my income also is not stable and guaranteed, and there is no way around it.  So do your best explaining your situation to your wife, that it is temporary, show her how you are trying to resolve it in short-term, but demand that in the meantime she has to accept the reality of financial difficulty.

I don't know if it might happen to you, but many women will want to spend bizarre amount of money on kids: clothing, savings plans, etc.  Love does not equal presents or material things.  But a lot of women go crazy, trying to get their kids to be best-dressed in kindergarten, etc.  This tendency is silly and should be controlled.

There is nothing wrong with helping your wife's family, and I applaud you for doing it, as long as you have enough resources for yourselves, and as long as there is a valid reason for that (ie, a father got sick and can't work and earn income). 

[fathertime]

So do your best explaining your situation to your wife, that it is temporary, show her how you are trying to resolve it in short-term, but demand that in the meantime she has to accept the reality of financial difficulty.

Russ-0 you crack me up everytime you say "Demand"!  I really don't think you can demand that she accept something.  The use of this word must be a Russian thing or somthing. It reminds me of Kruschev pounding his shoe on that desk. When you get agitated,do you sometimes pound your shoe too?

Fathertime!

[rpcv]

I make it clear to any girl I meet that I am not poor, but neither I am a millionaire.  I am generous when I have resources for that, but my income also is not stable and guaranteed, and there is no way around it.  So do your best explaining your situation to your wife, that it is temporary, show her how you are trying to resolve it in short-term, but demand that in the meantime she has to accept the reality of financial difficulty.

This is excellent advice. I have seen too many Gringos in Colombia either trying to impress their girlfriends by showering them with tons of gifts or expensive dinners which will no doubt cease to happen once they are in the USA. A receipe for failure. Be yourself and be upfront about things from the beginning.

[sean126]

EDIT:
On a side-note, I notice from glancing at the karma scores that people seem to be getting much friendlier with the "smite" button...I don't suppose there's a way to tell who smited us and maybe where or why?

Not to change the subject....a quick answer:  I noticed it too and more times than not, for no good reason that I can see.  I think the whole process is anonymous.  I can't tell who does what.

[soltero]

Not to change the subject....a quick answer:  I noticed it too and more times than not, for no good reason that I can see.  I think the whole process is anonymous.  I can't tell who does what.

As long as there is a way to give negative feedback, there will always be a joker or two who will click it randomly (or follow someone specific around) and giggle to themselves just for the hell of it. Never fails...

[el_ruso]

FT,

what verb should I use?  Look, all it is, is that it very important.  I do believe that a man is obligated to support his family.  But by the same token, things happen, at times a guy may get unemployed, his business might heat bad times, etc.  He is responsible to find a solution to that problem ASAP instead of complaining about it, but the woman has to act understanding and helpful as much as possible as well.  Don't you think so?

FYI, Khrushchev was not 'demanding' anything.  That was his way of protesting a speech at the UN by a representative of Franko's Spain, and for Soviet Union Franco along with Peron in Argentina were personifications of evil, like Ahmadinejad and Kim are to the US (and most other normal people).

[el_ruso]

RPCV,

many guys don't find other ways to attract women besides buying them things.  that's why the cute girls are often spoiled.

besides, I think how generous a man is, and if his generosity is sincere and doesn't stem from low self-esteem, is more important to average women than the sheer amount of wealth a guy has.  well, I don't know for sure.    that's my guess.

[jonno]

You didn't altogether miss, Sean. I think you may have "gotten a piece" of the problem. You're overall outlook is well appreciated. There was never any "impressing" going on, er. I haven't built up a financially false lifestyle with the new latina. Ella no pregunta facil por el dinero.

There is no minimum wage level earner who could hardly recover from one trip to Baq., let alone 9.  I agree, $150 isnt relatively much jm, but after having you amass that monthly total for us i feel she owes ME mas besos por mi pene .

My wife really isnt high maintenance. She's certainly much lower than the average gringa. Yet, we did make the big house purchase right before the economy went south. I'm getting a sense of the "me" factor here. I wonder why she feels she needs cash "off the top". I never hear her express any concern as to whether any particular amount is or isnt in my grasp. She notices me slide the credit card around with no inclination of any balance sheet. She tends to distinguish herself (and the baby-sometimes) as separate from the whole (family), and i have become somewhat distraught by it.

[fathertime]

FT,

what verb should I use?  

T-he he!  I don't know that I would use any verb!  If your woman knows the financial situation, she will either show respect to the man or not.  I will not demand that respect is shown.  Although I can respect what you are trying to say, I refuse to be run over, but do not operate with such an iron fist either!  

Fathertime!

[Kiltboy1]

Jonno

I really feel for you bro, but it sounds as if your wife understands more then you think about the $$ and the way she can work it here. Do not feel bad, my first wife did o and it is common amongst colombianas, > there is a netqwork of information they seem to share about wat if things go south. I hope the best for you really. The sweet woman you knew in BAQ left when she realized that $$ grows on trees here in the US, ot at least, grows on your wallet.Serious, do not feel like you did anything wrong, You have just got had like so man before you including myself before. learn from this and not make the same misytakes again

SUERTE

KB

[soltero]

KB, you are still smarting from that first wife, eh? Talk about holding a grudge! So far, Jonno's situation doesn't sound anything like yours was, so cut the guy and his wife a little slack. It doesn't sound like it's time to cut bait and run just yet.

To hear you tell it, all Colombianas ARE THE DEVIL!!!!  LOL! 
 

[jm21-2]

I'd take Ray's advice and get some counseling. It sounds like the problems aren't completely out of control, and you can work things out with a bit of help and guidance. A decent marriage counselor who's met you all in person can offer a LOT better guidance than an online forum. The sooner you deal with the problem, the better your chances of getting everything going well again.

A marriage, especially one with a young baby, is way too big of a responsibility to just dump. And you'll be paying a hell of a lot more than $150/month if you get a divorce (think rent for a place for her and the baby to live, if nothing else). And this is just my gut instinct here, but a jury/judge who sees a guy who is divorcing a foreign wife with a young baby relatively soon after marriage, with no counseling to try to save the marriage....I can imagine that getting ugly fast....

[Kiltboy1]

Soletero

No, I am not smarting from my first wife. I actually think about her almost never, except when I see simularities in other guys situations and then think back to mine. Hey, if jonnos wife will consider counseling, They should go. But in my experience, latinas seem to be very against seeing a doctor . I think it' s something in there culture maybe. But he also should not ignore the possibility that she married him for $ as many have . This is nothing new and as i said , he did nothing wrong , just maybe married the wrong woman. I made a lot of his mistakes my first go around and my ex wife too was a sweet thing until she landed here in the US. Hopefully she still cares for him and will agree to counseling.

KB

[el_ruso]

KB,

I don't really see how his wife is so malicious and that all the fault is on her.  I think both of them have done things in a way that made the other disillusioned.  The fact that she is not very responsible and understanding with the financial situation does not mean she had ulterior motives.  She is probably not mature enough to accept the need to sacrifice.  But most women are that way, and act like kids, in part because perhaps her family has not taught her to be financially responsible, and she never had a need to do it on her own.  Plus many women feel depressed after having a kid, too, and/ or their personality changes.

The bottom line is, the man has an obligation to support a family.  A woman does not.  And if earning ability for the man substantially decreases he must act resolutely and creatively to improve it instead of complaining about.  But the woman must accept the reality of financial sacrifice in short term.  It seems to me that neither is doing their part.

[Kiltboy1]

Ruso

Agreed. He has to support his child and hopefully going through this will help his wife grow up some. She needs to take responsability for her life and her life with him as well. Is very hard when the woman is young or has not had experience. My second go around is soo much better then my first because i do not haveto deal with a child like behavior. The first marriage was too much work. This time, the experience of my wife has made being married to her such a joy. Hopefully Jonnos wife will accpet counseling  for the sake of there child

KB

[Ray]

Hopefully Jonnos wife will accpet counseling  for the sake of there child

I'm with Soltero. Cut the lady some slack!

It won't do any good for his wife to accept counseling unless jonno accepts it also. So far his answer is to run away and hide/get a divorce.

[jonno]

I'm not running or hiding. See? I'm here discussing with mis amigos nuevos. I don't know why there's this side discussion about  supporting my baby son. I took custody of a baby boy once upon a time. How often have you seen support like that, hombres?

el ruso has got it down pat. My wife has no clue about finances, especially here in usa. I am a busy guy. Things move fast. She needs to quit with the detours and jump on the right damn train. I'm not complaining here, i'm simply contemplating, and tapping experience.

Things have improved in the last week. I mean, we are doing things together and the anger has subsided. Divorce is still a topic though. Maybe it will always be. We both agree to counseling. I need to look into 'dat.

[Ray]

We both agree to counseling. I need to look into 'dat.
 

Good for you!