Questions and Answers

[Jeff S]

For the record David, yes it has was sarcasm. Most here know that I have been married a long time to a woman about my own age and have always spoken up for emotional, personality, and lifestyle compatibility in your foreign bride. Hanging out in bars to pick up hot chicks is not on my personal list of suggested moves for those interested in finding a foreign wife. I DO realize though, that this is a foreign dating site not necessarily a foreign life partner seeking site. I wasn't commenting or making suggestions on your post, but rather commenting on el ruso's response.

- Jeff

[catz]

Btw, my ex-fiancee, a FSUW, got her K-1 visa approved in 4.5 months! I think it was because I had it all under lock and barrel. I did everything right, had it well organized, and clearly labeled. I also did NOT use some immigration attorney. Now this time, the next time, I just need to be more careful with the woman I choose  .

David,

 Would you mind filling us in on what went wrong with the last K-1 and why you turned South instead of looking East again?

 Often there is a lot of good information for newbies that comes out from situations like this.

catz

[David]

David,

 Would you mind filling us in on what went wrong with the last K-1 and why you turned South instead of looking East again?

 Often there is a lot of good information for newbies that comes out from situations like this.

catz

Sure! (But I don't want people to ridicule me for my decisions). I met her through Globaladies.com. I spent a year picking out the woman that I thought had the quality of character (not taking into account appearance) and wrote to her for a year. I then decided it was long enough, and went to go visit in Oct 06. It didn't go well. For whatever reason I disappointed her. Now I know it was becaues I wasn't romantic. Not that I went there to sleep with her, not at all. I went there for four reasons:
1. Find out if we were a good match.
2. If yes to number 1, increase the bond between us.
3. Relax
4. Have fun.

Essentially it just didn't go well and I was pretty upset. After talking to her about her coldness, quietness, non-romantic status, and the "I have bad mood," she convinced me to meet again, and I thought "ok, first time to meet someone and be romantic/affectionate is tough, and everyone deserves a second chance,. Besides, I don't give up, I put a lot of work into things and tried to make it work." So we met again in Prague (march 07). This time a more level playing fiel (instead of Moscow and her home town) because I had been there before, and people spoke English AND Russian. That was even worse. We fought the whole time.

When I came back, her Visa was ready, and up until two weeks ago, I was trying to make it work. Think of it like this: We sailed in a row boat. She took one of my oars away, and then started corking holes in our boat! I tried to paddle, but in vain (hence going in circles). The boat sank, and we were tethered together through the storm of cultural differences and expectations/perceptions. Eventually she gave up on me, and just like Tom Hanks losing "Wilson" in the ocean, I lost her.

So in the end, we were both settling. I don't think either one of us was 100% happy with the other. She liked a different type of man (physically) and I wasn't romantic enough for her. I tried, but she didn't see it. I was settling for her because of her character, but not her physical appearance. We just we're attracted physically, but had the same goals, ethics, morals, and attitudes about people and life.

So now I've become more honest with myself. I'm attracted to dark or black haired women with lighter/tanned skin, and have the same character qualities I'm looking for. I find Mexican women attractive, and since my life is changing I might go for one of them first while my career's are changing. If that doesn't work, that is hasta luego to SA.

How's that?  Anymore questions please don't be hesitant to ask. I'm not a perfect person, and if someone asks me questions, hopefully I can learn more about myself and the choices I make  .

Best Regards,
David

[catz]

David,

 Thanks for sharing that. I do understand about the second trip to see if there could be something there as many first trips into a new culture with a new and basically unknown person can be very awkward.

 What I don't understand is, with all the uncertainty on both your parts and the lack of closeness on the first trip why you would have filed the K-1 in the first place. Correct me if I'm wrong here but seems like a lot of wishful thinking going on and also a lot of ignoring the red flags.

 Anyway, wish you the best in your next adventure.

catz

[Calipro]

Essentially it just didn't go well and I was pretty upset. After talking to her about her coldness, quietness, non-romantic status, and the "I have bad mood," she convinced me to meet again, and I thought "ok, first time to meet someone and be romantic/affectionate is tough, and everyone deserves a second chance,. Besides, I don't give up, I put a lot of work into things and tried to make it work." So we met again in Prague (march 07). This time a more level playing fiel (instead of Moscow and her home town) because I had been there before, and people spoke English AND Russian. That was even worse. We fought the whole time.

When I came back, her Visa was ready, and up until two weeks ago, I was trying to make it work. Think of it like this: We sailed in a row boat. She took one of my oars away, and then started corking holes in our boat! I tried to paddle, but in vain (hence going in circles). The boat sank, and we were tethered together through the storm of cultural differences and expectations/perceptions. Eventually she gave up on me, and just like Tom Hanks losing "Wilson" in the ocean, I lost her.

So in the end, we were both settling. I don't think either one of us was 100% happy with the other. She liked a different type of man (physically) and I wasn't romantic enough for her. I tried, but she didn't see it. I was settling for her because of her character, but not her physical appearance. We just we're attracted physically, but had the same goals, ethics, morals, and attitudes about people and life.

Sounds like a colossal waste of time and money.

Half the fun of finding yourself a Colombian wife is just looking for her.

You just go (NO WRITING !) and date as many women as you like. Keep dating the ones that you have the most sexual chemistry with and only after you have been intimate do you start to consider whether or not you would marry her.

Don’t even start to judge her on the qualities that you want in a wife until you have determined that you both have a deep sexual attraction for one another.

[utopiacowboy]

I disagree with Calipro on the virtues of writing. I like to write and I liked writing my wife before I met her in person. On the issue of a deep sexual attraction, I wholeheartedly agree. Call me shallow but that's Numero Uno. They say it doesn't last but the other night my wife was tired and went to sleep on the bed in a short nightie with her panties showing. I was watching TV in our bedroom and I have to say that I certainly enjoyed checking her out periodically as she tossed and turned in her sleep. And this is after four years of marriage.

[David]

David,

 Thanks for sharing that. I do understand about the second trip to see if there could be something there as many first trips into a new culture with a new and basically unknown person can be very awkward.

 What I don't understand is, with all the uncertainty on both your parts and the lack of closeness on the first trip why you would have filed the K-1 in the first place. Correct me if I'm wrong here but seems like a lot of wishful thinking going on and also a lot of ignoring the red flags.

 Anyway, wish you the best in your next adventure.

catz

At the time, the current mode of thought was "Maybe she should just come here and see what its like? Also, our boat didn't have as many wholes in it given to the first time was the first time we met. So applied for the Visa before I went to Prague. Btw, great city! I highly recommend it to anyone (if you enjoy Europe type cities and bad service at restaurants  )

Sounds like a colossal waste of time and money.

Half the fun of finding yourself a Colombian wife is just looking for her.

You just go (NO WRITING !) and date as many women as you like. Keep dating the ones that you have the most sexual chemistry with and only after you have been intimate do you start to consider whether or not you would marry her.

Don’t even start to judge her on the qualities that you want in a wife until you have determined that you both have a deep sexual attraction for one another.

My cave-man like instinct agrees with you Calipro, but finding a suitable life partner who is going to raise (yes raise) my children, because I have none (that I know of) is essential to me, and I get to be intimate with her all the time, and hopefully she's faithful, hence STD free. It would be great to get the both of best worlds, but I'm unsure how many people that works out for.

There is something to be said about NOT writing and going though. Because then when she meets you she'll know if she likes you or not. From my ex, she liked me until I stepped off the plane, and yes she saw my photos before. I think what really determines if a relationship will work or not is if the women are really going to be true to themselves and just like us identify if they really like/love you or are just content. No matter what, its a crap-shoot.

[soltero]

My cave-man like instinct agrees with you Calipro...

David, my advice is to stick with that thought. If the sexual attraction is not there, it does not matter what else is when choosing a life partner. If you follow through with any other design, you will just keep looping through what you have just been through.

Just my humble opinion...

[fathertime]

David,

I liked what Calipro said, but I really like what Utopia Cowboy said. 

I think using a webcam and writing prior to visiting is a great way to break the ice and establish a comfort level with a lady.  For me when meeting in person, the sexual attraction must be almost immediate, from both parties.  If not, I tried to move on as quickly as possible but sometimes it was tough when I really, really, really, had a hard-on for some banging bodied babe! Anyway that  was how it has worked for me.

 It seems like you should cut bait a little sooner to avoid the waste of time, money, and feelings. 
Good luck!

Fathertime!

[el_ruso]

David,

the difficulty of dating foreign women (unless you are Calipro and retire in Colombia) is that you don't spend a lot of time with them.  as you know, most women act very nice when they start to date you, and then you get surprises three months down the road.  you probably would not marry a woman whom you have spent a week with, or even three months with, and that's technically what you have to do unless you can invest serious time into trips to Colombia.  thank you for your sincere and candid story, and even though it cost you a lot of heartache I imagine, it's better than if this had happened after she came here and you got married.  the other thing to watch out for is that some women are eager with the idea of escaping their life, and go for any decent guy that writes to them and then resent him; beware of women who sound like their situation is desperate.

so, if you do this, you have to be shrewd, lucky and be prepared to invest time into the endeavor.  I would certainly endorse writing to women, and I had a lot of success with that.  you can establish rapport, learn enough about a girl if you might want to have a relationship with her.  Calipro's suggestion is the best, but it means you have to move to Colombia, and my guess is you need to work.

so good luck again.  you deserve it.

[michaelb]

up until two weeks ago, I was trying to make it work.

Yeah, yeah, getting back on the horse, hair of the dog and all those other trite expressions, but dude, two weeks and you think you're ready for another one? From a totally different culture in a different part of the world, no less? Has the Russian woman even left the country yet? Are you sure?

So, using the time frame William posted, you can't even get another K-1 visa for a year, maybe a year and a half (unless you get a waiver, which, given La Migra's gross incompetence and foot dragging, will probably take that long anyway) ......so even if you find one you like, what are you going to tell her, "Wait a year until I'm eligible to file the papers for you"? Who is going to go for that? Speaking of applying for visas...remember my earlier post about it's fraud to apply for her visa if you don't really intend to get married? From what you've written about the first visa being approved while you were actually on a second visit trying to work things out, reinforced with your own words of "Maybe she should just come here and see what its like?", sounds to me like you've already committed that. And now you come up with this 'since I'm changing careers anyway, may as well find a wife while I'm at it' business.  If you're really going to be honest with yourself like you said, admit to yourself that you're not ready.

[el_ruso]

My suggestion is, if you decide to take another plunge, don't file another K-1 visa after just a brief meeting with a girl.  Make several trips, get to know the girl, spend time with her family.  This is not an easy or cheap proposition, but that's the only way to do it properly.  And NO, you are not committing no fraud by wanting to see if she will like it in the US or not.  If she can't get a tourist visa, she can get a fiancee visa that will give her three months to see if she will like to stay in US and to stay with you in particular (and for you to see if you want her to stay with you as well).  It will be a big change of life for her, and plus the first time when the two of you will be living together, so the purpose of that is exactly that, to see if you are right for each other and if she will like living in this country and away from what she is used to.

Good luck!

[catz]

Just an FYI:

A Fiance Visa (K-1) is not a "test drive" visa. It is for 2 people who have already committed to marriage to give them a chance to prepare for the wedding.

FWIW

[el_ruso]

Katz,

you are technically correct regarding you clarification.  however, since the embassy is extremely selective towards the tourist visa applicants, the immigration system does not offer any other way for a foreign woman to enter the US to get to know her husband well before committing to a lifetime marriage. 

besides, if a tourist visa applicant will tell the embassy that the purpose of her visit will be to live with her American boyfriend to see if they will get married, I can guarantee her petition will be denied.

I agree that the fiancee visa is not designed for a "test drive", but for the cases where a woman has been denied the tourist visa, or can't get one, that's the only alternative.  or are you suggesting marrying a woman that spent at best a few weeks with you???

[sean126]

El Ruso,

I totally understand what your saying...but 3 months isn't really any amount of time.  By the time she gets here you've spent a WHOLE lot of money and the first month will fly by anyway and then your left with 2 months of trial face time.  Personally, I don't think it's worth it...just for 2 months.  2 months isn't enough time to decide a lifetime commitment, at least not to me.  8 weeks at the price of the visas nowadays?  makes me cringe just thinking about it.   

[catz]

Not suggesting anything el_ruso. Just noting that the K-1 is specific in it's intention.

It is also quite out dated in many ways as the original intention was (IIRC) for returning GI's from WWII and Korea to have a way to bring their future brides into the country to marry them.

It is also often used to have that test period in this country which is not surprising due to the strict requirements for many of the visitor visa's.

[Ray]

And NO, you are not committing no fraud by wanting to see if she will like it in the US or not.  If she can't get a tourist visa, she can get a fiancee visa that will give her three months to see if she will like to stay in US and to stay with you in particular (and for you to see if you want her to stay with you as well).  It will be a big change of life for her, and plus the first time when the two of you will be living together, so the purpose of that is exactly that, to see if you are right for each other and if she will like living in this country and away from what she is used to.

More BS ruso!

Like catz pointed out, the intended purpose of the fiancee visa is to allow two fully commited individuals to marry in the U.S.

It IS NOT intended as a substitute for a tourist visa so she can see if she likes it here!

[sean126]

EL Ruso,

Even though I understand what your saying....I'd have to agree with Catz and Ray.

You should already know if you want to marry the girl or not before she even gets here.  Thats why foreign relationships aren't for everyone...it takes time, patience and money to accomplish your goal.

[el_ruso]

And Mr Katz, how is she supposed to decide if she wants to live here and endure the sacrifice of leaving her family and life behind without actually being here?  Most of them have never even lived outside of their family home and have not traveled almost anywhere.  And to Sean, I agree that 3 months is not enough to really get to know the person, but it's much better than nothing.

And to respond to Ray, you have to pick your argument.  Before you were condemning me for suggesting using a tourist visa for the guy and the girl to spend time together and get to know each other.  Now you are condemning me for suggesting that in case if she is denied the tourist visa, other means could be used to accomplish the same. 

The truth of the matter is that no visa that could be issued specifically for this situation.  If the girl will be honest about her intentions, she will NOT get the tourist visa under those circumstances.  And the fiancee visa is the only and imperfect substitute.

As for the last comment by Sean, not everyone can afford to retire, leave work, friends and family and go live in Colombia or elsewhere for a year or at least six months to get to know a girl real well.  And most colombian families will not allow a girl to live unmarried with someone else for that long either.  three months by themselves are not enough to really know the girl, but I assume that the two have met before at least 3 times, and have been communicating for a period of time too.

[catz]

I guess it all comes down to getting to know each other well enough so that both of you are willing to do the work involved to help her adjust to the differences of being in another country. If you are truly committed to each other you will both do what it takes to make it work no matter where you are.

FWIW

[Jeff S]

Come on catz, that's waaaayyy to logical for this crowd. What if she doesn't like cold weather, or misses her cat? What then?

[David]

Thanks for everyone's repsonses. I need time to digest them. I will answer and give thoughts soon  . Its been another long day and I need to hit the gym.

[utopiacowboy]

Look at the visa rules for other English speaking countries similar to the US: the UK, Canada, NZ, Australia. None of them has anything like a fiancee visa. In my opinion the K visas should be eliminated.

[Ray]

And to respond to Ray, you have to pick your argument.  Before you were condemning me for suggesting using a tourist visa for the guy and the girl to spend time together and get to know each other.  Now you are condemning me for suggesting that in case if she is denied the tourist visa, other means could be used to accomplish the same. 

The truth of the matter is that no visa that could be issued specifically for this situation.  If the girl will be honest about her intentions, she will NOT get the tourist visa under those circumstances.  And the fiancee visa is the only and imperfect substitute.

…how is she supposed to decide if she wants to live here and endure the sacrifice of leaving her family and life behind without actually being here?  Most of them have never even lived outside of their family home and have not traveled almost anywhere.

 

-----

ruso, what do you mean I have to pick my argument?? Nobody is “condemning” you ruso, but if you keep putting out erroneous information and giving bad advice, then I will keep correcting you. This whole foreign bride visa process is too important to other readers to have someone who is ignorant of the law giving false information and bad advice.

No ruso, unfortunately for you, there is no “shack up” visa where you can bring a young lady into the country so you can try to make up your mind if you really want to marry her while you play house together.

Marriage is always a gamble and with these long distance relationships with foreign women, it is even more so. You can NEVER be really sure of what lies ahead but there are numerous things you can do to increase your odds of success in your marriage. This has all been discussed here before in great detail.

I would guess that at least 98% of the guys here who are happily married to foreign wives never had the opportunity to live with them here in the States before they made the big commitment. Instead of searching for some shortcut to beat the system, I think you and others should be focusing on those successful marriages and what those men and women did to overcome the obstacles and make their union a happy one.

Forget all of this doom and gloom negativity and start using your head to make your decision to marry a wise one. All of this talk of the terrible sacrifices the poor little lady will have to make and how she will surely suffer severe bouts of shock and trauma because she had to leave home and mama behind to come here with you is just a big overreaction. Think positive!

My advice to you or anyone else who is too scared to take the chance on marriage with a foreign woman is to forget about that visa petition and take more time to be sure. Do what you can to increase the odds of making a wise choice and pick a woman who is willing to make a total commitment along with you. Then when BOTH of you are sure, commit your lives to each other and THEN file the visa petition.

[michaelb]

In my opinion the K visas should be eliminated.

Why?