After your marriage to your bride....

[Bayas_Hombre]

and other than the usual marital challenges, what were some of the very real personal issues you both encountered (i.e homesickness, cultural differences/barriers, holiday celebrations, religion, tv shows, or anything else you think is relevant)?

[sean126]

One was tardiness.   I had to keep telling her that a majority of Americans consider it rude to be late by more than 10 or 15 minutes.

I've lived by myself for years....and I get super focused on the task at hand and she will always, 100% of the time, pick the time I'm focused to come to ask me something or want to start a discussion.  That's something that I've had to adjust to and it hasn't been easy.

She does get homesick...but my family has been a blessing to her.  Even so, sometimes she gets sad for a day or two....but she handles it very well. 

She was always going somewhere or visiting someone in Baq.  Here....she thinks it should be the same way.  I'm a home body and while it's nice to visit the family....it's a little too much at times.   I feel like I'm raising a teenager at times who just finds it impossible to sit still for more than a few hours.  That's kinda frustrating for me. 

She was the baby of the family, she was a supervisor at work in Baq. and she was one of the major bread winners in the family, so all this adds up to someone who wasn't told "no" very often and someone who is used to being in charge.  The problem is she likes to be in charge a little too much and she thinks she's in charge of me at times.  Every once in a while she forgets and I need to help her get back on track and remember who the man of the house really is.  This doesn't go over too well sometimes...but we get through it.  I wrote a thread back in January I think....about how strong willed Latin women are and how American men need to stand their ground or get run over.

[Jeff S]

Great question. There were lots of cultural differences in my case. As Sean described, there are entirely different expectations of behaviour in different cultures. It WILL cause misunderstandings. I found this aspect much more difficult than the language issue. It rarely gets discussed on this board though. Lots and lots of patience and explainations needed. Homesickness, yes, but that fades over time. In her 2nd year here she really wanted to move back home. Now if she's there more than a couple weeks she's ready to come back to the US. And you better get two TVs. No way she's going to want to watch what you do, nor in the language you do - that's probably a chick/guy thing as much as a foreign bride issue, though.

[Looking4Wife]

I feel like I'm raising a teenager at times who just finds it impossible to sit still for more than a few hours.  That's kinda frustrating for me. 

Sean, my first thought was are we married to the same woman?

Then I reread your post and realized... Wow... you got your wife to sit still for a few hours? 

Seriously though, I'm self employed and work at home.  My wife is, shall we say "hyperactive", and has an "in your face" approach to wanting attention/affection.

This is exactly the opposite of my 1st wife, Thank God, and I love the attention... but the problem is that she can't distinguish between when I'm working or not.  I typcially only work 8am - 5pm and run errands for/with her during the day as well.  She takes for granted that any time she can physically "see" me, I must be available for interuptions, and all manner of affectionate activities 

She was self-employed in BAQ as a fashion designer and has apparently suppressed the fact that I allowed her to work in peace when I visited her in BAQ.

I give my wife PLENTY of attention and am glad to do so, but somebody's gotta work... at some point... to make some money to allow us to enjoy our lifestyle.

This will improve as she gets more involved in English classes and as her own business starts to pick up... of course when she gets too busy, I'll miss all that attention I'm getting now 

[sean126]

L4W,

LOLOLOLOL  I'm glad you can feel my pain.  Your right...after she gets her drivers license I'll be missing her "honey, can I tell you something?" every 30 seconds or so.

[utopiacowboy]

We haven't had any issues really. We get along well together and if we have any differences we can talk about them rationally and unemotionally. Every guy should marry an engineer!

[JimmySTLOUIS]

on the being bossy thing

I dont know if its just in my wifes family but the women love to boss. JLO tries it on me often and I dont care for it. I hate being told what to do.

I think her Mom and aunts encorage her to boss. I think some men in SA take the bossing at home and then go out and bang their lover - so its a trade off.

I dont have a lover, therefore I dont want the bossing.

TE AMO PERU !

jim

[sean126]

Hey Jimmy....I think you may be on to something there.  That may very well be the reason many of the men have girlfriends on the side.  Makes sense.

[RJS]

I could see a woman being bossy with a guy that didn't have his [snip] together. If I was a guy that did have my [snip] together, it would probably be annoying.

There are different types of bossing though. What sorts of bossing are you guys complaining about?

[william3rd]

Hey Jimmy....I think you may be on to something there.  That may very well be the reason many of the men have girlfriends on the side.  Makes sense.

Sean, does she who must be obeyed know what you are writing? I would hide the knives and razors if I were you.

[sean126]

Heck no she don't know.  I've got on my ninja costume and hiding from her...even as we speak.

rjs....the kind I was talking about is....well, one instance was when she threw a complete fit because I wouldn't buy her a 2nd winter coat.  It's not that I didn't want to buy it, she said it was too fancy to wear with jeans.  This is one of those leather coats with the lamb's wool inside it and on the collar.  I explained to her that it goes pretty good with jeans and she wasn't hearing it.  we got into a big argument about it.  I told her I was not going to buy her another one this year and she went off.

If I don't eat 3 times a day...she says I'm starving myself and insists that I eat more often and more quanity.  This I don't mind...she's just looking out for me.  It's cute, but only up to the 2,000,345,672nd time she says it.

I'm drawing a blank right now...but there are better examples.  It might have something to do with these knots I have on my head from her knocking me in the head with a frying pan, telling me to eat more.

She's an angel 90% of the time...she has her moments though. 

[valleydude]

So far things have been cool with me. We are still waiting on the VISA; that is our challenge, but she likes to give me the attention as well. Except right now it is online. She could/would sleep on the web cam if I asked her too. I usually just think I am a pretty lucky guy to have all that sincere attention from a woman. When you get one of these sincere girls, you really have to be available.

I love my wife, she is a cool little chickee! She is a pretty easy going girl and seems to be able to talk logically through any situation. We have only started to have a disagreement 2x since I have known her and they were de-fused very quickly. She is the first girl I have ever met in my life that has never played any games. I imagine we will have disagreements, but I can't think of anyone else that I would prefer to have disagreements with. My wife is too cool!  (UC, I think it's something with these Paisa widows.)

V-Dude

[utopiacowboy]

"(UC, I think it's something with these Paisa widows.)"

Your description of your wife is very close to mine. She never plays any head games and is always very open and direct. She was such a refreshing change from every other woman I had ever met. You may be right about the widow part - maybe it gives them a different point of view on relationships afterwards.

[valleydude]

UC,

With one of my posts awhile back, you stated something to the effect as well that you think a change takes place in them, and I think so.

Mine is 100% refreshing to me too. I can let my guard down with my wife 100% and feel 100% comfortable. She just blows me away!

V-Dude

[dakota5369]

my girl just left to go back to panama last week.  we are getting married this winter.  from her time here i have a few things that i am nervous about. 

1.  she calls home EVERY day.  that is gonna run up a pretty big bill even with the good rates you can get buying calling cards.  hopefully, she can reduce it to every other day or so.

2.  she wants to send money home.  she plans on working,. and i know she is gonna make great money here.  i dont mind helping her parents, i just hope it isnt at the expense of our bills.  she assures me it wont be a lot of money. 

3.  she hates cats and i have 2.  why do all latin people hate cats?

4.  and this is probably the biggest.  latin music and tv.  she really doesnt have much interest in american music or tv and i can take latin stuff in small doses (that marina show is good.  well, at least marina was hot).  but i get tired of it quickly.  we have done real well at splitting it, but i wonder how that will go long term.

5.  different views on animals.  besides disliking cats, she has a totally different view on animals in general.  i have a dog that she likes, but if i even touch him, she demands i wash my hands before i touch her.  now my dog is an indoor and very clean dog, but she thinks dogs are just filthy.  i think this is something she will eventually get over.  at least i hope so!

[Jeff S]

Ah, one of the reasons I didn't marry a Latina. I have to listen to that music at work. If I had to listen to it at home, it would probably send me on a three state killing spree.

I have two suggestions for you. Buy another TV and put it in a different room, and get used to washing your hands. It works for me.

[daytrader]

my girl just left to go back to panama last week.  we are getting married this winter.  from her time here i have a few things that i am nervous about.

1.  she calls home EVERY day.  that is gonna run up a pretty big bill even with the good rates you can get buying calling cards.  hopefully, she can reduce it to every other day or so.

2.  she wants to send money home.  she plans on working,. and i know she is gonna make great money here.  i dont mind helping her parents, i just hope it isnt at the expense of our bills.  she assures me it wont be a lot of money.

3.  she hates cats and i have 2.  why do all latin people hate cats?

4.  and this is probably the biggest.  latin music and tv.  she really doesnt have much interest in american music or tv and i can take latin stuff in small doses (that marina show is good.  well, at least marina was hot).  but i get tired of it quickly.  we have done real well at splitting it, but i wonder how that will go long term.

5.  different views on animals.  besides disliking cats, she has a totally different view on animals in general.  i have a dog that she likes, but if i even touch him, she demands i wash my hands before i touch her.  now my dog is an indoor and very clean dog, but she thinks dogs are just filthy.  i think this is something she will eventually get over.  at least i hope so!

What do you do with "hot potatoes"? 

The cat & dog thing is a deal breaker IMO...if you can't be totally accepted and relaxed at home, where can you be relaxed and accepted?  You probably feel like you are treated much better by her than by any American feminist you've dated in the past; however, there are latinas out there that will TOTALLY ACCEPT YOU for who you are.  If you settle for less, you have no one to blame but you. 

On the other side, if you sit down with her and have a heart to heart about each major problem (only bring up one at a time) you might be suprised, her heart might change if she really wants to make it work.....but....you might always have doubts in the future, if she is saying something you want to hear. 

My first Colombian latina I had affections for had many fine qualities, but the little things were missing -- the joy and warmth you feel at first will not last ....it did not for me.  I will never settle for less than TOTAL ACCEPTANCE by her, and I must totally accept her as well. 

The expensive phone bill thing is totally unnecessary if who she is calling is connected via internet.  Whoever she calls daily needs the internet and a PC.  Have everyone subscribe to Skype or Yahoo Voice (or similar peer to peer networks) and they talk for free, all the time.  For long distance to Colombia I pay 5 cents per minute via Skype to Colombian phones. 

DayTrader


DayTrader

[Looking4Wife]

my girl just left to go back to panama last week.  we are getting married this winter.  from her time here i have a few things that i am nervous about. 

1.  she calls home EVERY day.  that is gonna run up a pretty big bill even with the good rates you can get buying calling cards.  hopefully, she can reduce it to every other day or so.

2.  she wants to send money home.  she plans on working,. and i know she is gonna make great money here.  i dont mind helping her parents, i just hope it isnt at the expense of our bills.  she assures me it wont be a lot of money. 

3.  she hates cats and i have 2.  why do all latin people hate cats?

4.  and this is probably the biggest.  latin music and tv.  she really doesnt have much interest in american music or tv and i can take latin stuff in small doses (that marina show is good.  well, at least marina was hot).  but i get tired of it quickly.  we have done real well at splitting it, but i wonder how that will go long term.

5.  different views on animals.  besides disliking cats, she has a totally different view on animals in general.  i have a dog that she likes, but if i even touch him, she demands i wash my hands before i touch her.  now my dog is an indoor and very clean dog, but she thinks dogs are just filthy.  i think this is something she will eventually get over.  at least i hope so!

All the issues you addressed may seem small on the surface, but these are exactly the kinds of things that snowball over time and divide marriages.

This thread started out as a marriage thread.  You're not married yet, so you have time to address these issues (and others) before you start into a relationship that is doomed to have constant friction.

In addition to what DayTrader said:

1.  Calling home everyday... even if her family doesn't have internet access, can they go to an internet cafe?  What about email?  My wife is on the internet everyday chatting and/or sending emails to friends and family in Colombia.  She also has a monthly budget she uses to make phone calls from Yahoo voice.  Once her monthly budget is spent (almost instantly), she uses the internet to communicate.

2.  Wants to send money home... the amount should be discussed and agreed upon.  Also the source i.e., from her income, yours, or both?  One poster and his wife agreed to continue to send the amount of money that his wife was contributing when she lived in Colombia.  That's just an example, but sounds fair.

3.  All Latinas don't hate cats.  My wife loves cats and most animals.  We don't have pets, yet, and she's not obsessed with having them yet, so that works out.  She'd love it if we had a farm, but I'm a city guy so that ain't happening.

This could be a source of constant friction and/or a dealbreaker as DayTrader suggested.  Sounds like a small thing, but if you can't relax at home...?

4.  Sounds like you guys don't have an appreciation for each other's cultural icons:  i.e what you "see" (TV) and what you "hear" (music) during your leisure time.  This is something that can be "tolerated" in a non-marital situation, but doesn't sound good for the marriage environment.  Enjoying music and watching TV are things that couples normally do together.  If you someone can't do it with their spouse, it opens the door for someone ELSE to do it with their spouse. 

5.  Again, as DayTrader suggested... if you can't relax in your own home... with your own wife... will you start to resent her everytime you're washing your hands (whether dog-related or not)?

[RJS]

4.  Sounds like you guys don't have an appreciation for each other's cultural icons:  i.e what you "see" (TV) and what you "hear" (music) during your leisure time.  This is something that can be "tolerated" in a non-marital situation, but doesn't sound good for the marriage environment.  Enjoying music and watching TV are things that couples normally do together.  If you someone can't do it with their spouse, it opens the door for someone ELSE to do it with their spouse. 

 Does this mean I have to find a latina that appreciates Woody Allen? Looks like I'm doomed.

[jm21-2]

Does this mean I have to find a latina that appreciates Woody Allen? Looks like I'm doomed.

Unless you have incredibly restricted tastes, you'll probably be fine. There are goths who wear trench coats in South America despite the heat...if that's possible I'm sure just about any other group can thrive there as well. It might take a bit of experimentation, but you should be able to find at least some things you both like. For example, in terms of tastes in music, I have a Taiwanese friend who hates loud music while I listen to a quite a bit of metal, but we both enjoy Era, some classical music, some blues/alternative bands, and quite a bit of Indian (not native American) music. A friend from Brazil likes softer music as well, but we both like some Brazilian bands like Skank, some Raimundos songs, etc.

Just share the things you like with each other, be open minded, and you'll probably find a middle ground, and get to know each other better in the process. If a girl had very limited tastes, I wouldn't want anything to do with her anyways, so I'd take it as an opportunity to discern how open-minded/curious/experimental she is.

[doombug]

she hates cats and i have 2. 

Even male cats in knit caps?



One thing about cats: they keep everything spit-n-polish clean.

Look at the little fella. He just wants to be loved.

[michaelb]

Re: Cat picture. "The people dressed me up like this. I am NOT enjoying it".

[RJS]

Unless you have incredibly restricted tastes, you'll probably be fine. There are goths who wear trench coats in South America despite the heat...if that's possible I'm sure just about any other group can thrive there as well. It might take a bit of experimentation, but you should be able to find at least some things you both like. For example, in terms of tastes in music, I have a Taiwanese friend who hates loud music while I listen to a quite a bit of metal, but we both enjoy Era, some classical music, some blues/alternative bands, and quite a bit of Indian (not native American) music. A friend from Brazil likes softer music as well, but we both like some Brazilian bands like Skank, some Raimundos songs, etc.

Just share the things you like with each other, be open minded, and you'll probably find a middle ground, and get to know each other better in the process. If a girl had very limited tastes, I wouldn't want anything to do with her anyways, so I'd take it as an opportunity to discern how open-minded/curious/experimental she is.

I was actually just joking. But you're right.