your wives and how they value money

[RJS]

There were some interesting comments regarding money towards the end of my first thread and I thought they were enough to start a new one. Some men have commented that they think all LA women assume we're rich and perhaps spend accordingly.

Do your wives or novias understand the value of money and where it all goes? Does this cause a lot of issues? After all, fights over money are the #1 cause of divorce.

How has everyone that's not rich dealt with this false impression? I fully intend to make it clear to her that I'm NOT a millionaire with bottomless pockets. If she loses interest at that point, it'll be her loss, but I have no intentions of misrepresenting my true worth and paying for it later when she finds out I'm not loaded.

I was also reading through the old threads and I came across one guy that made it clear to his wife that they would NOT be sending money down to SA to support her family because they would need it for themselves. Do many of you guys send money down? Or have you all made this policy? I mean sure, if you've got lots of extra money and it won't impact on your life, then maybe consider helping them, but otherwise...

[Jeff S]

Mines better with money than I am - but she's not a Latina - and came from a rich family.

[Calipro]

First of all I wouldn't tell your wife how much you make because the might multiply it by the exchange rate and think you are well off. They won't realize how much more things cost here and just how poor you really are.

The best way to show them is just don't throw money around when you are in Colombia.

When I come to town my wife has all kinds of ideas about what we are going to do and where we are going to go. Most of the time I just show her how much money I have and just say this is it. You decide what we can do on this kind of a budget.

My new wife handles money well but the last one was terrible with money. It took years before we could even have a logical conversation about a budget and what and when we were going to buy something. I basicly was just forced to give her what amounted to an allowance and I made all of the financial decisions myself without consulting her at all.

[blockbuster]

The thing which irritates me the most is no matter which "kess fortunate"country you go to,everyone assumes because of the American passport the we are loaded. I have literally even had friends in foreign countries think I will foot the bill for dinners and stuff . I have learned to be blunt. I also use the bugeting scenario when I'm with a girl. No expensive restaurants or "shopping trips". That is for the new guys who are taken because prices in poorer foreign countries look great and cheap in comparison to here. But just cause a gu thinks prices are cheap, does not mean he should be generous. Otherwise, you will misrepresent your lifestyle.

   Can you take a taxi everywhere when you are in the U.S.? Can you go to expensive restaurants  all the time? take her shopping? get her hair,nails done. massage,take her on romantic trips, Pay for expensive hotels and travel?
Most of those things are pretty cheap in Colombia. So it's easy to do all these things. many guys will put all of these activities on credit cards. What happens is,she will completely think she will have this lifestyle in the U.S. too. It will be difficult to convince her otherwise. She will be no different then girls in the U.S. who date rich guys because of all the perks whe is getting used to. The problem is, IF you spoil her too much over there, and reality over her is much different in a couple of years, you will have a very unhappy wife. She will be comparing her lifestyle to those who live in big homes and drive top of the line vehicles and may covet it. So show her who you really are warts and all. If it means feeling a bit stingy,so be it.

[Kiltboy1]

My first wife was the worst with money and asking for handouts to the point of taking advantage of me or any of her friends she met here in the US. Now, my wonderful Ecuatoriana wife is unbelievable with money, of course she is a CFO and head Accountant, so that is the reason. I just returned from 12 days in Ecuador this past sunday and my wife spent almost 600US on my birthday alone taking me to a Rainforest Spa and buying me Clothes. I never even had an AW do that for me and i truely am blessed to find a woman not only beautiful in the phisical sence, but more beautiful in the feelings and respect she has for me and my life and my $$. She is not the normal Latina i will say , but i dediced after my divorce from 'SHOW ME DA MONEY CALENA" , that if i could not find a professional latina that understood the value of money or the sacrafices we make as an American Worker and the Responsabilities we have here in this country to budget $$, i would just stay single.But i made a plan and stuck to it this time and was rewarded with the best woman i could imagine in all facits of her life. She has friends too that think just like her.

KB

[utopiacowboy]

We never send my wife's family any money except for the normal birthday present or Christmas gift. She worked hard in Colombia and she works hard here so she is not inclined to be foolish with her money.

[Ray]

I was also reading through the old threads and I came across one guy that made it clear to his wife that they would NOT be sending money down to SA to support her family because they would need it for themselves. Do many of you guys send money down? Or have you all made this policy? I mean sure, if you've got lots of extra money and it won't impact on your life, then maybe consider helping them, but otherwise...

Good questions RJ!

On the topic of sending money home to her family:

For most of these ladies in many cultures, they will feel an obligation to help the family back home. For them it is natural and they may not understand your opposition to it.

I strongly suggest that you have many frank conversations about financial matters BEFORE you make the final commitment. This is one area where mutual understanding is extremely important.

Be willing to make compromises and don't take her feelings on this for granted. She should be willing to put her new family here first, ahead of the folks back home, but she can still help them out without breaking your bank and your marriage.

If you "lay down the law" on this issue and forbid her to send money home, then you may be driving a permanent wedge between you. If she feels strongly about helping her family, then she will probably find a way to do so without your approval and likely behind your back.

Once you go down that road where your money is yours and her money is hers, there is probably no turning back and I can almost guarantee that tensions will follow. My recommendation is to work together as a team in everything, especially matters of money. Keep her involved as much as you can. Make decisions on major expenditures together, including what and when to send home to her family.

One big recommendation that I would make is NOT to make the folks back home your dependents. If you start sending a monthly allowance, no matter the amount, you have just made them your dependents. They will come to expect that monthly allowance and plan their lives around it, especially if they are poor or lower middle class. The big problem here is that you may not always be in a position to help out. If you have children, buy a home, take on car payments, get laid off at work, become temporarily disabled, or whatever, then not only will your finances be strained, but the folks back home will lose their primary means of support. Misunderstandings and hard feelings will usually follow and your wife will be under even greater stress.

My advice is to only send money on an irregular basis if you send any at all. If someone back home has major medical problems, if the house is damaged in a natural disaster, etc., then it would be nice to have a little money set aside to help out when the need is there. Or you could just send some money occasionally when you feel like it, but NOT on a regular schedule of any kind. That way, they will be less likely to take you for granted and they will be forced to maintain their own independent income sources. You can help them to upgrade their lifestyle if you wish, but be careful not to become their permanent benefactor.

You may want to set up a separate bank account, where you two can save a little money whenever you can, to be available for emergencies back home. That same account can be used for funding trips back home for you and/or the wife. Let her decide if she would rather go home for a visit or help out her family with a few luxuries now and then.

Sometimes the pressures on her form her family will be overwhelming. They may even try to make her feel guilty for not helping out more. Be ready to step in and help her to say NO to her family if it becomes too much for her. She may really appreciate the assistance here if you do it gently and carefully. If she has a dead beat brother who is pressuring her for money to support his gambling and booze habits, then teach her to tell him to buzz off, because she may not know how to on her own.

As with all marital issues, communication is key. Talk about family finances and let her be involved as much as possible. She may be overly touchy on discussing money matters, but don’t let her off the hook. It’s too important of an issue to simply ignore in the hopes that there will be no outward tensions over money.

Ray

[JimmySTLOUIS]

Not many guys would want to go on record and say how much money really goes to the girls family

I try to be a nice guy with a good heart. This is really where not speaking the language can hurt you.

Here is a scenario

If one of my friends has a need I can ask the right questions to see if it is the right thing for me to do or not. I can get to the bottom of most situation here at home.

My wife was very close to her grandmother

Now when my wifes grandma died (last year), between the tears and sadness, I got plea from my wife that they didnt even have the money to bury her and that she was mis-treated even when she was alive. She did not get proper BASIC medical care. She was a super sweet old lady with a rather colorful past

I did know for a fact that no one stepped up and got her basic medical attention when I last saw her in Peru. She fell and hit her head etc. This was before she died. It was sad, I dont think she even had to die.

Now grandma has a sister who moved from Oregon (with a ton of cash - selling her house up there and her dead husband left her pretty well off - now I have talked with her and gathered this info myself) She also has a brother who has a nice house, new car, and his sons are lawyers and engineers. The lady from oregon cashed out with close to a mil but wont spend a penny even on herself. Very tight. She is in her early eighties.

Now the grandma had no money and now she is dead.

So I get the call plea that my wifes mom has to make the plans for the burial etc and they dont have the money. Dont have it - dont have it - dont have it -
they hit everyone up and they are short. The sister from Oregon I think put up zero.

You tell me what you do in this situation?
I cant call the sister and the brother who I KNOW have the money. If I could speak spanish I would have rattled their cage and made them come up with it or made them so mad at me they would never speak to me again.

or

I can tell my wife to stop crying and she can call the uncle and aunts and tell them to come up with the cash (she is a kid to them)

OR i can cough up the $400 or whatever it was

what do you think I did?


Rest in Peace Grandma - rest in peace

TE AMO PERU!!!!

jim

[Brainiac]

I send around $140 a month to my suegra.  This also helps to cover a loan the family took for her father's burial.  My mother in law is over 60, diabetic and slowly going blind from glaucoma.  When my wife settles down to a regular job, she can take over that payment, but for now I'm happy to do so.  The rest of her family can't or won't help. 

My wife doesn't hit me up for anyone else in her family.  However, to answer an earlier question about money attitudes, my wife is adamant that in Peru the man's money is for the family and her money is for her.  We're still working on that attitude.

[curranti]

She gets a salary of $400 a month, i pay all the other bills of course.  She can spend it on herself, mama, sister whoever, but once its gone its gone.  She is very very good about not spending money.  Usually her money goes to family rather than buying things for herself. 

[bundy_138]

My novia's family has money, so she is pretty normal about her spending habits.  On my last trip, she paid for a few dinners, taxis, etc.  No big deal.  She understands I'll be the sole "bread winner" when she gets here, so money will be tight for a while.

Good point about how you spend your money in Colombia.  Sure, $500 may go a long way in Colombia for the average American, but to the working class Colombian, that is two months salary.  Taxi rides, eating out 3 times a day, trips to the mall and additional entertainment are cheap in Colombia and we do it, however, those same things in the states have a 1000% mark up. 

I told mine straight up, if ya' wanna party, eat out, and shop...we do it in Colombia.  In the states, things are much tighter and she understands.  Be honest up front and you should not have a problem!

Bundy

[utopiacowboy]

"Not many guys would want to go on record and say how much money really goes to the girls family"

I'll go on record. Nada, zero, zilch.

[Kiltboy1]

I am with UT

ZILTHO, NADA, 00000000 $$$$$$$$$

My wife's family owns a Grocery Store and the sister is an Economist for the Goverment, Brother-in-law is a Doctor, so they are all set and thank God , because I am not one that wants to be an ATM Retirement account for the family.

KB

[Patrick]

My wife's like KB's and UT's.  We don't send any money to family members.  As for how my wife values money- There is some contention (a bit last night in fact).  When she first arrived, she would literally save wrapping paper from gifts to reuse.  I've gotten her to stop that, but it's a constant struggle to get her to spend money

Seriously though, she is fairly frugal.  I'm having our house painted next week and she tried to convince me to just have the areas where the stucco is cracked repaired & painted to reduce the costs.  She doesn't care that the paint wouldn't match exactly.  But I do!

[Calipro]

"Not many guys would want to go on record and say how much money really goes to the girls family"

I'll go on record. Nada, zero, zilch.

I'll go on the record and say that I never sent any of my money to my wife's family. But after my wife got a job, I would say that she sent approximately 25% of her take home pay to Colombia and I never tried to stop her.

After we split she ended up sending enough money for her mother to buy a small house and "no" it wasn't my money.

[sean126]

I knew my wife was one of the main money contributors to her house when I met her and by her coming here...it was going to put her family in a bad bind.  Before I got onto the subject directly...I asked her how much she gave her mother each month for food and bills.  After talking/dating a while longer, I told her that we would send her mother the same amount of money each month.  I love her mother and brothers anyway, so I didn't mind.  Besides, I help my mother out also...so I knew I wouldn't like it if she told me I had to stop doing that.  I've met her whole family....you couldn't find a better bunch of people.  Very honest and sincere...I've never felt used or taken advantage of.  Actually, I've had to demand that they take money from me before.

I did make it a point to tell her that our immediate household comes first though.

As far as "our" money and spending habits....she runs a tight ship.  She's always thinking of ways to save money...to the point that sometimes I tell her, "I don't care what it costs...I'm getting it anyway."  She's a good wife and a good money manager, if I can keep her out of Macy's Dept. store.     How many shoes or purses does one woman need anyway?

[markanthony7]

In general I have found Colombians in general don't practice frugality and have large amounts in savings accounts , they just live from day to day, she might need discipline or practical learning adjustments about finances and how to handle and save money

2. I think saying no or a least wait a minute is healthy if she cannot accept being declined and patients then the relationship could be shallow or superficial, IMO please remember I am not DR. Phil, just an auto worker (disclaimer)

[Patrick]

One point about my wife and money I forgot to mention-  To this day, she still shops like a "Colombian."  Meaning that she tries to buy small quantities to spend less "today" despite being able to get a better price by buying a larger quantity.  Case in point;  I dropped by the store on the way home the other day and called her to ask if she needed anything.  I ended up buying some organic orange juice for her.  Same brand, but instead of buying the 1/2 gallon that she always gets, I bought a gallon and got a 25% reduced price per gallon by doing so.  I buy the best price per unit of a product, she buys the lowest overall cost even if it's a higher per unit cost.  She understands the concept perfectly, but I think her upbringing leads her to believe in spending as little as possible on a daily basis.

[Nicks]

Would you guys suport you american wifes family if you got married in the states? I guess you wouldnt, so why suport your latin wifes family? Are you paying some kind of rent, or franchise fee, for taking her to the states? I dont think so.

In my opinion, ones you are married, its you and your wife, and thats it. If she makes money, and she wants to send something back home, thats fine, as long as it doesnt affect your level of living standard in the US.

I dont need to help my family in law, and if i did, i would not have married.

[jediknight]

nicks, what if a woman comes here and doesn't work outside the home? this happens a lot. should the husband not send anything and just cut the parents off? not all women will be able to work right away, whether it's becuase they'll need to learn english first or because they might want to be mommies first. most american parents have jobs that pay decent wages and they don't need their children's support. this is not the case in colombia. i think you should re-read seans post. why would i help out my wifes family? because as in sean's case, my wife is a major contributor to the household and by bringing her over here i'm taking away a major source of income. this doesn't mean that i'll be supporting her parents completely, only part of what my wife contibuted monthly, which is about 80%, not the whole amount but enough so that they'll be ok. seans description of his new family is exactly the same as mine, maybe its a barranquilla thing.

what you may not be aware of in colombia are two major things, lack of job security and low wages. what little they earn isn't enough to be independent. many times families have to pool their resources to survive which means the children living at home or contributing to their parents expenses. unemployment is high so employers can pay low and treat their workers like crap because they know they need the job. there's no safety net so families stick together and help each other out.

there are exceptions of course of people who are professionals or have their own business and earn a very nice living who come from a family that can take care of themselves but not everone is in that situation. guys should be prepared to meet women who don't have that luxury and have a responsibility to their colombian family. i agree that the family a guy and his wife will create here should always come first but cutting her parents off when in some cases you are taking away a part if their household income is unreasonable. if the parents don't depend on their daughter, then don't send anything but when that's not the case i think some money should be sent.
JK

[Ray]

Would you guys suport you american wifes family if you got married in the states? I guess you wouldnt, so why suport your latin wifes family?
 

Sounds like a good argument for staying home and marrying an American woman.

Question: Would you rather be married to this American chick and not helping her family...





...or married to his one and helping her family out...




The money you save on food could support a whole village!
Just helping to keep things in proper perspective   

Note: This foreign bride thing isn't for everyone.

[Nicks]

Jediknight, i understand the job/income situation in colombia, its pretty much the same in Panama, family members pool together. As far as the girl not speaking english, and not being able to work, i can understand that too. But, then again, if the man in question knew about this, then the issue about how much money to send back, wouldnt be an issue. It would be part of the relationship, talked about, agreed upon, etc. Ones in the states the moeny going back to colombia, would be a budget, just the same as grociery budget. There would be NO issue.

Look at it this way, if you moved to colombia, didnt speak spanish, couldnt get a job, etc, and your retired parents back home, needed economic help, would the girls parents be willing to send money to your parents?

RJS question, was about if the ladies undestand the value of money, and realize that there man is not a millionair in the US. If the above mentioned topics, would have been adressed before the move to the states, again, there would be no issue.

RAY, i would pick the pretty lady offcourse, BUT i would make damn sure she new my economis situation, BEFORE taking her out of colombia, and if she doesnt get it, so be it, i stay singel.

I did not meet my wife, under the same circumstanses you guys have, that is, i didnt look for a latin wife. but, after 10 years in panama, hanging around americans and europeans, i have noticed that they like to show off what they can buy in Panama on there US salaries. Off course the pretty lady, thinks, ohhh my! he is rich!! I nice dinner and a movie in panama will run you about 40 bucks, for two. Thats about 30% of what most girls make a month here.

All i am saying is that, money, is the biggest marrige destroyer, apart from unfathfulness. Its a topic that should be talked and cleared up, before marrige and changing countries, so that both parts are aware of what they are geting into.

I have a friend in panama, he met a nice colombian girl, 15 years younger. He waited 1 year, before he tied the knot with her. During that year, it was all taxi rides, simple food,simple condo etc etc. Ones he got married, then he showed her the beach house, the BMW, the boat, and the luxurious penthouse. He wanted to be sure it was because of HIM she wanted to get married, not for his money. She got a nice surprise, and now they have 2 kids, and are very happy. He learned from previous experiences, do not FLASH!

nick

[utopiacowboy]

My wife can barely speak a word of English yet she has a pretty good job here in San Antonio. She doesn't make a huge amount of money but her $40,000 comes in handy.

[Jeff S]

I have a friend in panama, he met a nice colombian girl, 15 years younger. He waited 1 year, before he tied the knot with her. During that year, it was all taxi rides, simple food,simple condo etc etc. Ones he got married, then he showed her the beach house, the BMW, the boat, and the luxurious penthouse. He wanted to be sure it was because of HIM she wanted to get married, not for his money. She got a nice surprise, and now they have 2 kids, and are very happy. He learned from previous experiences, do not FLASH!

One of the guys on the Asian board did a similar thing. He told his girlfriend he was a farm laborer, so she had in mind he lived in a little hut and slaved in the fields all day. Her girlfriends ridiculed her for not going for a richer American. After she got here, she found out he owned a big spread with a big house, machinery, field hands, and the rest. His original story weeded out the golddiggers in a hurry.

- Jeff

[RJS]

I think that is a good strategy. However much money you have, downplay it, unless you make so little already that you'd scare away potentially good matches, in which case you should just tell the truth. It's easy to attract women when they think you're rich (rightly or wrongly), but it's also counter-productive.