should I wait till I'm more established or start looking?

[RJS]

I hope someone can take the time to read this. I'm in my mid-twenties and I'm going back to school in the fall to try and finish my degree. Even though I never finished I have a good networking job (i have cisco certs etc). It's not six figs but I'm well above any averages, certainly compared to a lot of people my age, even with a university degree, and theoretically I could be there in a couple of years. I've got good skills, a high iq, and am charismatic, so i expect to go far (in something other than computers) once i finally get my school stuff organized (won't bore you with the details). That's my financial/educational situation.

I've been single for 3 years. I liked it at first but I'm getting tired of it. It seems that a lot of the girls I end-up dating are all shallow, materialistic, and use you whenever they can. I suppose I attract them b/c I look rich and am relatively handsome, but that's not my intent, since I dress well for my own enjoyment, not to try and bed gold-diggers. I know that if i dropped my standards in terms of appearance I could get a girl that's more down-to-earth, but what can I say, I'm a bit superficial in that regard, and what starts off average-looking.... Well, you get my drift. I'd just turn-off of her as she got older and it would sink the marriage. Some women agre gracefully and others don't. I want one that does.


Anyway, deep-down I want to get married, even though I tell people that it's far-off in the future for me. The logical part of my brain says I should hold-off till i'm completely done with school, but the other part wants it now. The first latin woman I really got to know was my private salsa instructor. She's honestly one of the most amazing women I've ever met (engaged) and made a huge impression on me. Then my brother went to peru on one of those volunteer programs and met a fantastic girl in one of the villages that he said he'd marry if the timing had been better (he's younger than I am and just starting school). We've both discussed latin american women and agree that they seem to have a better value system. I don't want to marry a girl that's materialistic, even though I don't doubt my abilities to provide. I want a girl that believes in family, tradition, making a marriage work, etc. My family sucked growing up and I want better for myself and my future wife. I really don't want to end-up divorced with half my assets gone.

A couple questions:
1) what do you guys think of my situation in general?
2) I'm not religious (was baptised though), but I expect she will be if she's from SA. Do you see this as a point of friction in a marriage? For me, as long as she'll let me teach any kids we have natural selection instead of intelligent design, I'm fine with it...
3) is there an expectation among these women that all the men they see from agencies are already established and very well-off? I'm probably a few years away from being what I'd call truely successful... Like i said, I'm well above the average but still have some things to work on..
4) should I or shouldn't i? I'm learning spanish and am planning on doing an immersion course in peru. I figured I could use an agency at the same time to meet some women... Should I, knowing what I've told you?


Anyway, this is something I've been thinking about for a while and I just found this forum. My life is pretty joyless right now. Work, school, and dating, which i find tedious and a waste of money at this point. I honestly think that the right woman would make all the difference... She would keep me motivated, energized, etc.

What do you think? Don't hold back and thanks in advance.

EDIT: btw can anyone recommend a good agency in lima or cuzco peru?

[Looking4Wife]

A couple questions:
1) what do you guys think of my situation in general?
2) I'm not religious (was baptised though), but I expect she will be if she's from SA. Do you see this as a point of friction in a marriage? For me, as long as she'll let me teach any kids we have natural selection instead of intelligent design, I'm fine with it...
3) is there an expectation among these women that all the men they see from agencies are already established and very well-off? I'm probably a few years away from being what I'd call truely successful... Like i said, I'm well above the average but still have some things to work on..
4) should I or shouldn't i? I'm learning spanish and am planning on doing an immersion course in peru. I figured I could use an agency at the same time to meet some women... Should I, knowing what I've told you?

EDIT: btw can anyone recommend a good agency in lima or cuzco peru?

1.  If you weren't in school, I'd say go for it.  However since finishing school is important to you, in addition to your job, I would say that it will be difficult to focus on an international relationship with all that going on.

Without the availability to travel, and commit time to the relationship, I would also not encourage you to get your hopes up or become emotionally involved in a cyber-relationship.  Some guys on the board have found their wives by website/email communication initially, but I suspect they had time to travel to see the women, and time to devote to the relationship.

2.  Being a Christian preacher I can tell you that most so-called "religious" Chrisitans in the world, practice the principles of Christianity on a superficial level at best.  South America would be no different in that regard.  So being "religious" or "non-religious" in and of itself won't be a barrier to you finding a wife in South America.

However, the issue of natural selection vs. intelligent design, could imply challenging even a non-Christian's belief in God and/or God's involvement in creation.  This could be a problem in Latin America, where the Catholic church has a very strong influence, even on those who aren't "devout".  Many non-religous Latinas would likely hold intelligent design as part of their core belief system.  Of course its not impossible to find someone compatible with your beliefs if you look hard enough.

3.  There is a somewhat valid implication that if you can afford to travel to their country, coming from "the land of opportunity", then you are better off financially than a good portion of their population.

4.  Learning as much Spanish as possible before travelling and/or starting a relationship is obviously a good idea.

[utopiacowboy]

You're much too young to be looking in Latin America for a wife. A guy your age should stick to women from his own country and culture. When you're in your 50s and 60s that's the time to be looking in Latin America, to get what you can no longer get at home. No guy your age looks for a wife outside the US unless he has major personality issues.

[Looking4Wife]

You're much too young to be looking in Latin America for a wife. A guy your age should stick to women from his own country and culture. When you're in your 50s and 60s that's the time to be looking in Latin America, to get what you can no longer get at home. No guy your age looks for a wife outside the US unless he has major personality issues.

Interesting take, UC.

Not to hi-jack the thread (maybe someone should start a new one?), but I'd be interested in hearing other folks opinion on this.

I was 37 when I started looking.

You live in Texas, which may be a little different.  In the midwest, I felt like an outsider to the Latin community, despite frequenting the Salsa dance spots, and taking salsa lessons.  So my reasoning was, why not go to the source?

I would encourage anyone who can afford it to simply go the source (i.e. foreign soil), if they have a fondness for Latinas.

The "relationship-mentality" of the women I've met in Colombia is so much more compatible with what I was looking for than the most of the women I've dated in the USA, that there is generally no comparison.

[Parlay Rey]

You're much too young to be looking in Latin America for a wife. A guy your age should stick to women from his own country and culture. When you're in your 50s and 60s that's the time to be looking in Latin America, to get what you can no longer get at home. No guy your age looks for a wife outside the US unless he has major personality issues.

*with all due respect, that comment is way off in left field.

the women his age are the Paris Hiltons, Lindsay Lohans, etc. everything that is WRONG with this country. they are NOT marriage material.

he sounds like he knows exactly what he wants, educated, open-minded, dances salsa and is learning spanish.

i'd bet dollars to donuts he'll find a compatible woman faster than 90% of the guys who frequent these boards.

not all latinas want old, fat guys. especially ones they have nothing in common with. another marriage agency mistique.

i do agree with L4W in that he'll have a problem with his school schedule in as much as latinas require LOTS of attention. it'll be a problem early on if he can't dedicate quality time via phone calls, chats, email, etc.

and i think a guy like him has no business in a marriage agency. all he has to do is frame a strong criteria by knowing what he wants in a woman, then open his mouth and go get her.

agencies give a false sense of security--too much hand holding.

all in all, he should go right after what he wants-- a foreign wife.

he should stay here and 'hook up' with american girls if he wants nothing serious.

[Ray]

You're much too young to be looking in Latin America for a wife. A guy your age should stick to women from his own country and culture. When you're in your 50s and 60s that's the time to be looking in Latin America, to get what you can no longer get at home. No guy your age looks for a wife outside the US unless he has major personality issues.

Huh?

Cowboy, Cowboy, Cowboy!

Is this my good friend UC or did some feminazi hijack his user ID and write that nonsense?

Seriously Cowboy, ANYONE of ANY AGE should look in WHATEVER part of the world where he might find the type of woman he is interested in. Who the hell says you have to look for an oversized American woman at the local bowling alley? 

For your info, I found my first wife in the Philippines when I was 20-years-old and married her when I was 24. Now what exactly were my "major personality issues" (other than the fact that my farts were exceptionally loud and rather foul-smelling)?

I just happened to be attracted to Asian women and I found a whole bunch to choose from in guess where? IN ASIA!

I was really surprised hearing that silly stuff coming from you bud! 

[sean126]

Now what exactly were my "major personality issues"

Wow Ray, talk about giving someone an opening!  hahahahahah.  just joking dude.

1.   Love don't hold a stopwatch....you find it when you find it, in school, out of school, at the supermarket...whatever.  If you only got a year to go in school....I'd say wait.

2.  Looking4wife (a.k.a. (now) Foundwife ) gave the best answer here.  

3.   Yes....if you can afford to go to another country, pay for the visa stuff and the other marriage stuff....I'd say they consider you well off by their standards.

4.   I'd say if your not serious about finding a lasting, life long relationship then I wouldn't waste her time or your money.  Most women are there for love and marriage.  You could tell them upfront that your only looking to date and nothing serious and then any heartache or wishful thinking would be on them.

LOLOLOL I'd have to agree with the others comments on UC's remark.  Maybe he got into my prison wine before he posted.  

[Ray]

Welcome aboard RJ!

I really don’t see anything in what you wrote that should hold you back from looking for what you want, a foreign wife.

On the religion issue, you may have some minor problems if you marry a devout practicing Catholic girl.

Even a devoutly religious woman will ‘usually’ be open to marrying a guy who is non-religious or of a different faith. But she may very well feel obligated to raise her children in her faith with religious instruction from the Church.

Their religious training certainly won’t include the theory of natural selection, but I don’t see why you couldn’t expose your children to alternative theories so they can see the issue from all sides. I don’t think it would hurt them in the slightest and I don’t see most religious mothers having a big problem with that either.

I would recommend taking every opportunity to travel abroad. See the world and the women it has to offer while you are still young.

Ray

[jediknight]

uc, 50's, 60's?? sorry ol chap but i disagree with you there. while i feel a guy in his mid 20's is too young, waiting until 50 or more is the other extreme.
my story..i started flying to colombia in my early 30's, not really looking for a wife but wanting to know the country and it's people. i did take advantage and tried an agency my first trip, no hand holding since i know the language, just introductions. it took me 4 years before meeting my wife and in between i dated girls i met on amigos.com that lived in colombia and here in the u.s.
i met many colombianas and other latinas here in nyc and dated them, had lots of fun. when i traveled to colombia i would meet up with girls i had been in touch with through amigos. i certainly didn't limit myself from meeting girls that were already here. i believe that there are many great women here and not all are shallow and empty like paris hilton, although they seem to be harder and harder to find.  i was prepared to find my wife here, it just turned out that the one that i was waiting for was in barranquilla.
rjs, i think that you are a few years too young to be looking seriously abroad. if you have summers off i suggest traveling for the sake of knowledge and adventure but not specifically to find a wife. a foreign wife requires lots of time, patience and maturity so i would finish school and hold off for now. there are just a couple of your comments that struck me as odd.

you mentioned that if you lowered your standards in appearance you can get someone who is more down to earth. i don't see the connection between looks and being down to earth. perhaps you  meant someone who isn't high maintanence in the beauty dept? it struck me as an odd comment. also, if you aren't ready for the physical changes time will bring then i don't think you are ready for a loving and committed relationship. looks will change, things will begin to sag, hair will grow out of your ears and butt. how will you know if a woman will age gracefully? if you really want to get married, it should be because you love a woman, whether or not she ages gracefully. in the meantime, go out and date, you still have time.
JK

[michaelb]

I've been single for 3 years.

This part isn't clear-been single for 3 years? So you were married before? What happened? Death? Divorce? Annulment? Or 'been single' isn't really what you intended to say?
------------------------------------
The logical part of my brain says I should hold-off till i'm completely done with school, but the other part wants it now.

This part sounds like you haven't make up your mind. Latina, Asian, Canadian, Cherokee, Hopi, whatever, isn't the question, the question is are YOU ready?

BTW, I think UC was being satirical and you guys let it go right over your heads.

[Ray]

BTW, I think UC was being satirical...

Of course he was!

[utopiacowboy]

I can't sneak anything by anyone. Damm.

[mudd]

RJS
From a guy on here used to be one of the youngest, but not anymore. I was 29 when I made my 1st trip south, and I did run into the problem of girls thinking I was too young for them, not old enough or not mature enough for marriage, except for the 18 to 21 year old girls, but they are not mature enough for a  serious relationship, so why bother with them.  I made a lot of mistakes being inexperienced  and going way too fast, but I learned from my mistake, and now, I  just cruse and take my time, meeting a lot of girls an narrowing it down to one who has her head on straight.  I know where you’re at in your life, because I was there once, if I was you, I would finish school 1st, don’t bother with going south yet, because it does take a lot of money and time to find a good one. You might get very lucky and meet a good one on your 1st trip, but you will have to make several trips which means a lot of time and  $$$$$ to really learn her personality and her real reason for wanting to be with you and hopefully it wont be for a visa or money.

Learn some Spanish, finish you school, get settled into a good job, profession or business, be stable, have some direction and have something to offer that these girls are looking for, maturity, a future, emotionally stable and normal and you will have no problem.

[RJS]

UC, how many guys here, and I don't mean to offend, are on second or third wives? My opinion is that I should maximize my chances for success from the beginning by making the right choices now. I know people that are already divorced with kids and it's a nightmare for some of them. I've done a lot of thinking about it (partly b/c my parents' marriages were total disasters) and I believe that on the whole, latinas have more of the values that I really want in a wife. Sure, I could marry a canadian woman (they're the same as american women), but I've dated a lot of them and so far I haven't even come close to one that I would want to marry. There's just too much bs surrounding dating in north america. I blame sex and the city.

To give you an example, the last girl I went out with for any amount of time was 32, which was older than I thought i'd ever date at the age of 27, but she was still a solid 8-9 (very tight body & very pretty face). She had a good career and was the type of girl that every guy wanted to sleep with. Now I'm old-fashioned and I know it. I enjoy treating women well and even though I know I might have better success playing all sorts of stupid games and acting like a dick, it's just not me. So I treated her well and she led me on with all sorts of crap about how special i was and how different i was from the guys she normally dates (drug dealers, believe it or not). We actually had a lot in common, conversation was always good, and I even managed to put aside my consternation concerning older women (rapid physical decline) and started to view her as a LT prospect. This was not without her help mind-you, because she kept hinting that I was exactly the sort of guy she wanted to settle-down with. So the whole time I was paying for dinners at $200-300+ a pop (i don't usually spend that much), bringing her to the opera (i have seats), and thinking nothing of it because she put up this whole front of generosity. In particular, she kept saying she was gonna reciprocate and take ME out, but when the time came she layed some stories about how she couldn't afford it right now, yada yada yada, at which point I said "don't worry about it, pay next time." Of course she never paid for anything except a couple cabs. Then I found out that all the while she was seeing a guy i knew, whom I was told she'd seen once before, but was also explicitly told, by her, that it was just a single date and that she had absolutely no interest in him. Her actual words were that "he was looking for a wife and mother for his kids and the thought of marrying him sickens me." So she was essentially lying the whole time she was seeing me. This all happened over a fairly short period; I say this because I don't want people to get the impression that I put-up with her [snip] long and am some huge sucker, but it illustrates my point. I encounter various forms of this much too often. My gold-digger alarm goes-off very fast now.

I could also get in to the aspect of dating a woman that was married to her career. It's something I had thought about in the past but I now know first-hand that I don't want a career-woman for a wife. I'm sure some manage better than others, but I don't think many marriages can survive two big careers, and I just didn't enjoy all the irritation it caused. I want someone that's university educated, or at least open to it, but that puts family first and will be availble to me when I need her. I think that for it to really work, one of the couple has to choose a less ambitious career. I'm not at all saying she has to be a housewife, but if neither party is ever home, and if they're always just crossing paths, then it's doomed to failure. I think you need to work to keep romance alive and with two big careers, romance gets squeezed-out by meetings, travel, long hours, and kids. Sure some of those marriages last, but what % of them are actually happy? I think I'm fortunate to have realized this relatively early-on and I'm starting to make decisions that will render me happier in the long-run. Ya, it would be nice to have two six figure incomes, but at what cost?

MichaelB: I shoudl have said I've been serial-dating for 3 years (meaning i've dated a ton of women during that time). I had girlfriends before then. And I firmly believe I am ready for marriage. What I meant was that it's not really the normal thing to do. None of my male friends are married and I've always felt, on a rational level, that I should be completely done with school first. I'd definitely take flak from people if I got married tomorrow, but the more I think about it, i need to live life for myself and not for what others might think. I know myself well enough to know that I'll do better on every level in a comitted relationship. Besides, I'm not going to Peru until later in the year. My thinking is that by the time i find a girl, visit her a few times, etc., I'll be done or very near done with school. I can afford it, so why put off the search? I have no debt, a large, luxuriously furnished apartment (nothing even remotely resembling a student's apartment) and a job that can easily sustain two people, although I'd have to cut down on the tailoring bills until i move-up in the world. There's nothing I really need to buy. I have everything I want and more. Marriage costs (even the ring) are small in comparison to what I spend frivolously each year.

JK: you can make educated guesses, but i don't really want to get in to it.

Anyway, thanks for the warm welcome guys. You've assuaged some of my concerns. I'm going through all the old threads now and I'm gonna concentrate extra hard on my spanish until i go to peru.

[RJS]

Learn some Spanish, finish you school, get settled into a good job, profession or business, be stable, have some direction and have something to offer that these girls are looking for, maturity, a future, emotionally stable and normal and you will have no problem.

I'm actually very mature for my age. I do have stability and a very good job. It's not what I want long-term, however, which is why I want to finish school. There will be a bit of a shake-up at some point, but I don't want to put everything else off because of it. I'll actually take a pay cut when I finish and switch careers (I do school at night so it doesn't affect my current earnings), but then a lot of people are happy on a lot less than I make in a year.

I'd be interested to hear any specific mistakes you made.

[fathertime]

YO RJS,  "The time is always now" Get off your ass and get down to S. America as soon as you have a two week break from school/work/whatever.  You'll figure out the rest as you go!  I think you'll either get what you want or decide some American women are ok too...either way you will have peace of mind.

Fathertime!

[Jeff S]

I agree with fathertime. You sound like a sensible guy, and it'll probably take a while for all of this to happen. I long distance dated, courted and married my wife over a span of over two years, involving me traveling to her country twice for four weeks each, and she coming here twice, once for three weeks, once for eight, before she arrived here in the US to set up house. I realize the latter option is not likely for most Latinas, like it is for some Asians, but the point is, to do this right, you really need to get to know her, and that means time together. Holding hands on a tropical beach in an exotic foreign land (for you) with an exotic beauty that is great in the sack but you have difficulties communication with, while on vacation for two weeks, doesn't lend itself to making wise decisions about life. You need to spend lots of time with her before you truly know she's the one.

BTW, my wife was the third, I'd dated so it took me about five years in total. I was about your age when I started, and was married at 33.

[RJS]

Thank Jeff & Fathertime, I think I'll do just that.

I'm going to head down to Peru after my first spanish course is done. I can speak it with my brother and people at salsa so I'll get lots of practice before going. I'll take an immersion course to solidify things. So far I'm finding it really easy so I expect the learning to continue going smoothly.

When I'm down there I'll spend my days learning spanish and my nights meeting women. Does that sound feasible? Or do you guys usually meets girls at the agencies during the day and then go out at night, in which case maybe it would be better to split the trip between spanish for the first half, and meeting women for the second?

Lastly, if I wanted to start writing girls before I go down, how far in advance do you think it's wise to begin doing so? I have no idea what to expect in terms of the speed of the exchanges, or expected frequency of emails, etc.

[william3rd]

You can start writing at any time. However, if your first visit is going to be a year away, it might be premature to look at anything more than penpal.

Any game plan can work as long as you plan it out and stick to it.

I met my girlfriend online in September 05 and we made plans to meet in January 06 starting in November 05. Took my time this time- although we see each other every day on webcam.

[RJS]

I'm just curious, but how easily accessible are computers in peru? Do they all have webcams? How often did you exchange emails during that initial period? My trip is 6 months away. I'm gonna go right after exams for 2-3 weeks.

Btw this forum rocks. There's so much good info on here. It's great that all you guys that found someone and got married stick around to help the newbs.

[JimmySTLOUIS]

You sound like a real nice guy, well thought out and all

I know you will only read and take out of these comments what you want ( I did anyway)

but be very very careful - its not that you dont have the right idea but you might get into more than you bargained for. You need to make sure you want to be married and you want to be married 25 hours a day. I say 25 because some days it will feel that long.

there are exceptions to every rule but remember you are going wayyyy deep in the pool if you decide to jump in

your "wife" will not have friends to hang out with and family to fall back on when things get rocky (and they will at times) Its you, you, and you 24-7

I am not saying not to do this, its the best thing I ever did, but boy at times it can be trying
not many guys here will admi the real work they have to put into the relationship and getting her adjusted here

you need to be real comfortable about where you are in life because she will be a fish out of water and you cant help her if you have issues

no matter how much spanish you know and how much time you spend talking you will never get to know her (and more so - she will not get to know you) lke you would if you were dating and or shacking up here.

always remember its not just about you - the coin flips the day she arrives here

I am sure some guys here might chime in and try to read between the lines here about me but I dont care. I love my wife and she is in Peru right now and I am happy because I needed a break!


just my 2 cents

TE AMO PERU!!!!

jinm

[JimmySTLOUIS]

one more thing

the girl you meet will never really understand your financial situation. She will tell her family about this nice looking gringo she met and they will say "he must have money" "those gringos are rich" "all americans are rich"

My wifes grandma thought I was a MILLIONARE up till the day she died. People with no savings and no 401k, no real estate really do have a hard time grasping what life is about in the USA. They see bits and peices in the movies!!!!

you girl will want to brag about you to her friends and if she wanted a poor as* dude she would have just dated guys down there. Remember these girls sign up at the agency for a reason and the reason aint that they can get dates down there - think about it

The older the girl the more likely she might be able to grasp some $ concepts when she comes here. But NEVER assume that this "poor" girl you meet will squeeze a nickel like you and i might.

In her mind, she wont need to be thrifty - she married a RICH gringo !   

ALSO FYI - a lot of girls grow up with maids. Thats right maids, not cleaning ladies - maids.

some day I hope I will be as rich as my wife thinks we are

TE AMO PERU!!!!

jim

[utopiacowboy]

Your mileage may vary.

My wife has always had friends because we live in an area with many Latinos and she is very sociable and friendly. She met a lot of people at her ESL classes and at the Catholic church in our little town which has Spanish Masses twice a month and a small but active Hispanic congregation.



 

[Parlay Rey]

one more thing
the girl you meet will never really understand your financial situation. She will tell her family about this nice looking gringo she met and they will say "he must have money" "those gringos are rich" "all americans are rich"

LOL
is your wife related to mine?

LOL

[Brainiac]

Jimmy makes many good points.  These women really don't know what life is like outside their little worlds and it will fall on you to introduce them to that bigger world when they come here.  That is a BIG responsibility.  I would add to Jimmy's post the following:

1.  Find a woman who already speaks English.
2.  Find a woman who is working in a real career.
3.  Find a woman who has travelled out of her country.
4.  Find an educated woman.

I know that really limits the field, but if you find a woman with those accomplishments you've found a real jewel.  She'll have an easier time adjusting to her new life here because she can quickly become independent. 

If I can get only one thing across, let it be this: 2 weeks here and there over a couple of years is NOT enough to know your wife.  Therefore, those little things she does that you don't understand or make you uncomfortable or whatever need to be given more attention.  They may not be red flags, but connect the dots to see if they indicate a real problem. 

You'll find that when you are down there it will be a vacation for you and rather intoxicating.  I had a lot of fun for a few weeks dating 2-3 women a day until I met my wife.  Then it was a thrill to get on the plane to see her and spending time with her in Peru was a vacation for me.  So while I'm relaxing because I'm feeling no demands on my time, she thinks I'm this wonderful guy who can give her all the attention she's dreamed of.  When she finally arrived here she go to know the real me (and I her) in the context of work, commuting, paying bills, obligations, etc.

And I know others will post that their wives don't match my list, yadda, yadda, yadda.  Fine, but most guys on this list have been married more than once and there aren't many success stories out there.  Life is too short to settle.