A mental evaluation first?

[Kiltboy1]

William

I can sympathise with you. My trainwreck ex Cali wife was Bi-Polar and it is a daily hell trying to live with a person like that

KB

[william3rd]

We were in Court last thursday. She argued over her two hour grant of visitations every other Sunday. Not the time but that she would rather have Mondays because she is too busy on Sunday.

Judge- Please tell me exactly what is more important than visiting with your son for two hours on a Sunday afternoon?

Ex- Well- I might get an important telephone call.

Judge- What about your sons activities on Monday and homework?

Ex- Well, its ok. If he is busy, I dont have to see him.

Judge- Its two hours every other Sunday. And I suggest that you get help.

Ex- I dont need help. I am fine. . . . . .

The fun never stops when you are dealing with bipolar,

[Kiltboy1]

Yes, they are in complete denial that they have a problem. I was lucky in that my ex did not contest the divorce and i got out for a whopping 235.00. So i was very fortuante in that respect, but it could have gone different with a bipoler person.

KB

[Santanger]

william 3
this "trigger" sounds like your ex may have suffered a small stroke during childbirth to her frontal lobe which causes drastic changes in behaviour

[Jamie]

“ex Cali wife was Bi-Polar”
I think it is save to say that Colombians have more health problems then Americans and it would probably be wise to at least pay for an extensive physical exam during the early stages of the relationship to detect any future problems.

[Patrick]

I think it is safe to say that Colombians have more health problems then Americans and it would probably be wise to at least pay for an extensive physical exam during the early stages of the relationship to detect any future problems.

Jamie,

If we had a vote for most "mail-order bride-ish" post of the month, that one would get my vote.

[william3rd]

Santanger- unfortunately, there were other signs before that if I had better grasp of her language or had been able to speak to her friends and family, I would have realized that there were issues in her makeup. Lately, she has been in a ten year almost continuous manic swing with very little depressive episodes. Fall back diagnosis has been borderline personality disorder since she has evidenced so little in the way of the downward swings.

Got my son out of the realtionship so it wasnt all bad.

[bundy_138]

Yeah Jamie.....why don't you ask her for one of those "virginity tests" that was posted here a while back.   Medical check......lets get real here.

Bundy

[Fuzzyone]

 I think one of the problems we have when we go Colombia is it seems all common sense goes out the door. If we met a girl here that would hop in bed on the first date, you would not keep her around for long (loose)? Guys go to Colombia meet a girl she is in bed on the first date and on the second date asking to marry them. Is there any difference really if the woman is whacked here or a whack job down in Colombia. You are just setting your self up for failure by not paying attention to the red flags!

[Parlay Rey]

“ex Cali wife was Bi-Polar”
I think it is save to say that Colombians have more health problems then Americans and it would probably be wise to at least pay for an extensive physical exam during the early stages of the relationship to detect any future problems.

I agree with what Jamie says. Gary Bala posted a video broadcasted on NBC's Today Show (Matt Lauer morning thing) about the 5 most important questions one should ask before marrying. They had male and female professional marriage counselors/"experts" on as panel guests and both came up with 5 critical questions.

The first question to ask your potential spouse was full disclosure of physical and psychological health.

I'm always of the mindset of stopping problems before they start.

[blockbuster]

 I don't think many people are willing to open up about their medical problems. In a country like Colombia, many may not know they have health problems. I think there are guys who are so ga-ga when they see beautiful women they ignore red flags. Flaky attitude is seen as "cute". Push to get married is seen as "She must really be crazy about me", Sleeping with him on the first date must mean"She is so sexually attracted to me, she could'nt help herself"Asking for gifts or money is seen as "She is poor and not really asking for much".

     A good friend in Colombia once told me. The problem with many poorer women in Colombia is  they are so greedy "They kill the goose that supplies the golden egg". I asked him what that meant. He explained when they meet a man who is willing to help them out a bit when they are in need. Instead of looking at that as a gift and being happy, they begin to think of ways to get more. Eventually, after trying to work the guy with every excuse(school, phone bills, physical problems ect) for why they need more money, guy eventually splits and they are now left with nothing. Except the times the guy is bumb enough to marry her and therefore will be expected to lay that golden egg often. If he cannot she will eventually leave because money is the only reason she is there.

[william3rd]

Good post Blockbuster.

So you ask the woman with your pocket translator if she has any mental problems and she says, oh yes, I was institutionalized. I am sure you understand. OHHHHH- sure she does. The answer is "never." And if you find out later that there is evidence of mental disorder, she just claims that she couldnt understand you because of the language difference.

And you ask her about any prior former foreign boyfriends and she says, Oh no, you are the first and only one. In fact, I only had one other boyfriend before you so I was almost a virgin until I met you. . . . . .

While it is nice (critical) to get this information, the quality of the information is going to be suspect since the source is self-serving in her answers.

I am sure the women would like to know the same from the men.
But- how many men will reveal such information up-front voluntarily?

[Parlay Rey]

Good post Blockbuster.

So you ask the woman with your pocket translator if she has any mental problems and she says, oh yes, I was institutionalized. I am sure you understand. OHHHHH- sure she does. The answer is "never." And if you find out later that there is evidence of mental disorder, she just claims that she couldnt understand you because of the language difference.

And you ask her about any prior former foreign boyfriends and she says, Oh no, you are the first and only one. In fact, I only had one other boyfriend before you so I was almost a virgin until I met you. . . . . .

While it is nice (critical) to get this information, the quality of the information is going to be suspect since the source is self-serving in her answers.

I am sure the women would like to know the same from the men.
But- how many men will reveal such information up-front voluntarily?

I understand what you're saying, but that doesn't absolve you from doing your due diligence. I'd much rather be frank and upfront by asking her than hide my head in the sand like an ostrich. Ask the questions, listen for answers, and WATCH WHAT SHE DOES. If her actions don't reconcile her answers, then it's exit stage left. Moreover, she gets a medical screening at the visa stage anyway, right?

Another ancillary effect of all this is communication--open and honest dialog. If you can't communicate openly and honestly with the person you plan to spend your life with then this boat's dead in the water to begin with. Everybody lies but it's much harder to hide it with your actions than with your tongue, no?

My strategy is to stop problems before they start. To hell with addressing problems after they snowball. I don't care even if like Soltero says, she's got hair down to her ass, a pair of double Ds and an apple bottom big enough to sit your beer and and morning paper on.

Just my $0.02

[william3rd]

I agree with due diligence. It is just extremely difficult when someone will have to give an answer that is against their best interests and there is no way to determine whether the answer is factual.

It is correct that there is a medical examination and that clears current STDs, HIV, TB. The mental examination part is just checking for proper orientation in space and time. You would be much better able to determine her mental state than by the amount of time that the medical examiner spends with her.

[sean126]

Dating alot of women in my past....I've learned to just break them down into "degrees of crazy-ness".   

[Patrick]

I agree with William.  You can ask her to take exams, etc. but you aren't going to get at the truth without getting there yourself.  It's always going to be a gamble to marry one of these women given that we have generally little face time with them.  You can visit 10 times over the course of a couple of years and spend maybe 5-6 weeks total time with her.  If you aren't fluent in her language, you're not going to be getting to know her as well as you could if you were dating an American woman.  How well are you really going to know her?

It's dangerous to think you can cover all the bases with any exam, a private eye, etc.  Just not going to happen.  We have to make our own best judgment and go from there.  Believing exams and a list of questions are going tell you enough to make much of a dent at all in the level of risk you're taking is indeed burying your head in the sand IMHO.

Let's face it, this is a risky way to get married.  No question about it, and there's not much you can do short of becoming fluent in her language and moving there to substantially reduce your level of risk.

[Santanger]

i agree knowing Spanish is key to lessening the odds but it still happens and how many... if not all of us..... have put up with our fair share of psycho american women.  Thats why we are all on this forum right???  We are hoping that a different culture with more traditional values, family oriented with less western influence will increase the odds of us finding a more down to earth gal than a psycho chick

[Ray]

It is just extremely difficult when someone will have to give an answer that is against their best interests and there is no way to determine whether the answer is factual.

It is correct that there is a medical examination and that clears current STDs, HIV, TB. The mental examination part is just checking for proper orientation in space and time. You would be much better able to determine her mental state than by the amount of time that the medical examiner spends with her.

William,

I know the quality of the visa medical exam depends a lot on the training and diligence of the examining physician.

The guidelines for the mental status part of the examination require an evaluation of intelligence, thinking, cognition (comprehension), judgement, affect (and mood), and behavior. I guess unless she is obviously totally whacked out , then the evaluation is going to inevitably rely mostly on the answers she gives to the doctor's questions like you mentioned above, but sometimes there are visible signs to watch for.

For example, I know of several ladies who were questioned extensively about scars on their wrists during the medical exam in Manila. If the scars appear to be self-inflicted wounds from a possible suicide attempt, then the physician should and often does take more time to dig a little deeper. One of the key factors they are supposed to look for is any history of harmful behavior that may cause the applicant to become a danger to herself or others. I know of at least one lady who was referred for further psychiatric evaluation before she could get medical clearance, but usually they determine that it isn’t of major concern and pass them.

The one thing that is highly likely to get you denied is a positive answer to questioning about past or present drug abuse, even simple experimentation, during the medical exam.

[doombug]

I think one of the problems we have when we go Colombia is it seems all common sense goes out the door. If we met a girl here that would hop in bed on the first date, you would not keep her around for long (loose)? Guys go to Colombia meet a girl she is in bed on the first date and on the second date asking to marry them.

This is why I've been petitioning Ms. Cantwell to sponsor a bill pushing for all first-time travelers to SA to don a male chastity belt for the duration of their stay. (The key of which would be left behind securely in the hands of airport officials.)



Sure, you can still fondle her nicknacks and lap her flesh taffy-apple style. But, johnny crotch rocket aint leavin' the silo no matter how frisky things get.   

[sean126]

Doombug,

ROFLMAOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'll go out on a limb here and say.... someoneeeeeeee here should think about a mental evaluation soon!!!  LOLOLOL.

[Santanger]

regardless of where the girl comes from if she has a history of suicide attempts, scars on her wrists, slash marks on her body or likes to experiment with drugs ....YOU need to get a mental evaluation if you seriously think you will all live happily ever after.

 You can get plenty of those women here, you dont need to go down to SA to find that. 

[Jamie]

If we had a vote for most "mail-order bride-ish" post of the month, that one would get my vote.

Why is that Patrick, for distinguishing a difference one should consider with a Colombian woman versus an American woman? You don’t believe the process of dating and marrying a Colombian woman entails differences that may require different methods then you would use dating your neighbor? Let me speak to those that are not in the Colombian cheerleader camp (not that you are), health care is not up to American standards. I was talking to a girl who told me she was allergic to the “air-conditioner”. I said are you allergic to the equipment itself, she said no she was allergic to the cold air and humidity. I said, how can that be there is more humidity outside then there is in an air-condition room and she said, her doctor told her this is what is causing her allergy. I asked did the doctor give you an allergy test to determine exactly what elements you are allergic too and she said no. Now that is the kind of inadequate care most people in Colombia receive.

If you have money in Colombia you can get suitable health care but that leaves out the majority of Colombians who do not have health insurance and who do not have money for normal check ups and who do not have money for competent doctors. Most women do not get regular, comprehensive pap spears so having someone you care for receive a physical exam under your request from a good doctor is a smart thing to do and hardly within the realm of a “"mail-order bride-ish" post”.  I have had clients break-up due to health issues.  Health issues that would not have come up with an American woman who would have avoided the problem due to better information and knowledge or taken care of the problem due to living in a better health care environment.

Yeah Jamie.....why don't you ask her for one of those "virginity tests" that was posted here a while back.   Medical check......lets get real here.

Bundy I think you should read more carefully I did not say, “Medical check” but a “physical examination” for “health” reasons. How you liken this to a virginity test is something you will have to explain. I just had a client whose girl friend was denied a fiancé visa for not passing her medical exam. They now have a disruption in their wedding plans and they will now have to wait months more before she is able to join him in the States. Is that “real” enough for you?

“You can ask her to take exams, etc. but you aren't going to get at the truth without getting there yourself.”

You will if you have someone assisting you with the process as I have done for others.

[pan de bono]

why is it everytime a woman is a srewball its called bi-polar?

[papi]

Regarding the health of colombians vs Americans, Jamie has obviously not visited the buffet line in S. Texas. Much of the USA population is a walking heart attack.

Some medical care in Colombia is excellent. I found a fantastic dentist in Cali. But I would concur it often is not up to USA standards. Yet, the medical community in the USA is not always that great to deal with and many from the USA head to Latin America for cheap medical.

[Patrick]

Why is that Patrick, for distinguishing a difference one should consider with a Colombian woman versus an American woman? You don’t believe the process of dating and marrying a Colombian woman entails differences that may require different methods then you would use dating your neighbor?

Jaime,

The reason I called your post "mail-order bride-ish" is because it sounded so much like getting a home inspection when purchasing a home.  We don't buy women.

I also don't have much faith in what you would learn from an inspection done by anyone other than the man marrying the woman.  Those who rely on others to determine the quality of the woman they're interested in are IMHO at greater risk.  There's no substitute for personal judgment.