"La Madre...."

[Santanger]

Well i'm in a little bit of a predicament and i think i know the answer already but some advice from you veterans out there that know LA culture better than i do and have LA wives would be appreciated.

I've met a great gal in BQ, shes 24, i'm 40 and her mother is 40.  My novia is very pretty,  we have alot in common and she has a heart of gold.  But as everyone knows her family is part of the package.  Her mother is enstranged from the rest of the extended family and doesnt talk to them.   The mother took  $7000 US from a loanshark to go off to Venezuela on a business venture which ultimately failed so she's been living "low" in BQ for the past 10 years.  She says if she starts working again this loanshark will find her and there's no way she can pay all that back even if she works the rest of her life so she has decided not to work at all.  So my novia and her stepfather have been supporting her.   Her stepfather is an honest man who is working his brains out for pittance. Come the beginning of every month she is calling my novia asking for money for rent, food etc. My novia is a very hardworker but she cant give more than she is already giving as she has to live too but it doesnt stop the calls and the guilt tripping from la madre.

If we decided to get married my novia said she wants me to send $250/per month to her mother for the rest of her life.  I said "hold on there senorita"  because i have no respect for her mother as she's sponging like crazy and using my novia as her personal slave and more importantly that 250/mo would be going into a college fund for our kids and/or our retirement.  If la madre was working but still not making ends meet or couldnt work because she had a stroke, i could understand that and would be quite willing to help out.   But the fact is she stays home, watches TV, goes out to bingo with her friends and eats and eats and eats.

As much as i think my novia is the ideal girl, i cant get pass the suegra baggage.  I strongly believe that everybody has to make there own way in life no matter what country you come from and deal with the consequences of your actions. Theirs no such thing as a free ride.  I know there's plenty of you guys  out there that have found the "one" but not much is said about putting up with the "one's" familia and sending money down to them. 

[william3rd]

I find it difficult to find any sympathy for your novia's mother but she has a daughter that you want to marry. I am wondering why it is that she thinks she would be "found" if she works. Is there a government interest involved? Or would she just be sued and her wages attached to pay her lawful debt if she worked?

I would agree that she could send some money to her mother if she-your wife- is working after she gets here in the states. However, no other family assets should go to her.

This isnt a matter of of Latin wives; it is a matter of marital peace.

[Kiltboy1]

I hope it all works out for you as this is a difficult and delicate situation. In my experiences, a lot of Latin mothers really put a guilt trip on there daughters to help support them and if you guys got into a financial bind, lose your job, health problems, ect, i expect her deadbeat mother would not care at all , only hound your wife and guilt her for money. The part about lying low is a bit strange to me as the governmental process is all screwed up there and i doubt if there is any government agency looking for her or even cares. I wish you luck on whatever way you go, but sounds like the mother is going to be a pain in your marriage from day one .

KB

[Christopher]

Have you met the mother?  The stepfather?  Or is this just discussed through your novia?  Not to be mean, but if it was me, I'd like independent confirmation of this.  The lying low part doesn't ring true to me either.

[papi]

i don't like the sounds of this. You might consider this:

1. honey, life is difficult in the USA and I am not a rich man. I cannot support your family

2. along those lines, you can work in the USA and send X% to your family. We need the rest to help out with the bills here including your car, clothes, etc.

But again - i don't like her telling you how much to send. good luck

[michaelb]

I think you do, too. Tell novia's mommy that YOUR mommy didn't raise any fools. The phrase "her stepfather" implies that Mommy has a husband, just a crazy idea, but maybe HE can support her?  If he is unwilling and/or unable, she better a) Get a job or b) de-estrange herself from the rest of the extended family.

Something to think about, what did these people do BEFORE you (and your money) arrived on the scene?

[fathertime]

 
 The story she tells seems like BS but to help solve this situation I will put in my 2c.  
A possible/partial solution:  
Make a deal with your woman.  Tell her that if you are still happy together after 2 years of marriage that you will send the 7k to her mama.  Meanwhile put aside the damn money, suck it up and pay the idiotic, obese woman off if that is what it takes to make this marriage happen. Make sure your woman can see that you have done this and is feeling secure that you will follow through with this promise.   Meanwhile attempt to knock down this 250 a month to a more reasonable number.  I don’t know what that number is, but maybe something in the neighborhood of 100 dollars.  You will never miss it.  This is all predicated on your belief that your 24 year old babe is genuinely interested in you and that you are living a normal happy marriage.  After 2 years you should know if things are real or not otherwise it could be said that your woman put in her time.  As far as the rest of her life 250 dollars a month.  If she is willing to part with money that she makes for the rest of her life then I think she should be allowed to do it so long as it is not too outrageous.  This is all potentially the price of the young, family oriented babe you are about to have shipped over here. 

If your woman won’t negotiate with you than you can consider this a bad character trait for a marriage partner and make that a consideration in your final decision, since you know that you will have to contend with that issue many times in the future.


Fathertime!



 

[Dan Las Vegas]

Run, do not walk to the nearest exit!!!!!  The entire story sounds bogus to me.....but I'm a bit cynical.

[papi]

Run, do not walk to the nearest exit!!!!!  The entire story sounds bogus to me.....but I'm a bit cynical.

i think our man is thinking about a little fishing expedition outside the immediate family 

Something to think about, what did these people do BEFORE you (and your money) arrived on the scene?

Bingo! Not to suggest that our poster suffers from GRD (gringo rescue disease), but it is very common

[sean126]

I guess by lying low, you mean the loanshark will kill her if he sees her out?  If that's the case then she doesn't seem to have a problem with going to bingo.  It could be true, who knows.  

Your in a tight spot.  You have a woman you care about and a potential mother-in-law you don't respect. You have to look at a broader picture to make a better judgement....in the course of your sweetie telling you how much she wants you to send her mother did she make mention of the fact that your and her household come first when your married and that the bills you two have together will come first or did she naturally assume you could afford it?  It would be a very good sign if she brought it up first rather than just giving you a "yes honey" if you brought it up first.

You are definitely going to have problems in this area down the road if you two get married.  If you put your foot down and say "no" then your going to wonder if your wife is going behind your back and sending money.  Then you have the added head-ache of what to do when she does it.  I would almost bet she will....regardless of what you say.

Or....you agree but you give grudgingly, then that's a permanent thorn in your side during your marriage and from the initial sound of it...someone at some point will not be satisified with the amount of help your giving already and will expect an increase (above the cost of living increases) and then comes the real guilt trips and arguments.  

No one here knows anything beyond what you tell us.  If your sweetie was understanding and letting you know she understands your side of the situation...that's a good thing.  If she sounded "expecting" and demanding almost....I would assume it will not get better in time.  I believe in helping people, but it's hard to help people you don't respect, I know.  Then again, it is the woman's mother....good or bad, it's her mom for life.  It depends on what kind of girl she is.  If she lets her mom walk all over her, then your going to look like the bad guy all the time because your defending your wife...and here's the kicker....it will be for nothing because she will give in to her mother anyway. LOL.

You just have to see your sweetie for the kind of person she really is (what ever that may be) and base your decision on that and the potential head-aches that come with it.  I would definitely be honest and open with her.      

[Santanger]

i just sent a reply but it looks like it didnt go through so i'm sending it again.

I've met her family.  They are all really nice people.  Her stepfather is an honest good hardworking man.  I think he could have done way better than being with her stepmother.  There "dwelling" they live in is basically four concrete walls and a tin roof not in the best of areas.  The plants in my greenhouse have it better than they do!  The stepmother is not the brightest bulb in the world and there is no way some goverment agency would give her 7K US/roughly 14 million COP.  I do believe she went to the local loanshark/mafia/private businessman. Regardless what is said between a mother and daughter is different than what is said in front of me.  Her mother knows the hellishly long hours and conditions my novia works in but is still hounding her every month for more money.  I know this could haunt me every month and the mother may up the ante if she gets sick or her stepfather wises up and leaves her.

Congrats KB!!  I know there are other scenarios like yours out there but your brain says one thing and your heart says another. 

Just asking for advice from people who have already walked the walk. I wouldnt say i needed "rescuing."  We're not married yet.   

[utopiacowboy]

We never send my wife's family so much as one thin dime. They all have jobs and do well enough on their own. Why gringos want to be a Colombian family's milk cow is beyond my comprehension.

[Christopher]

We never send my wife's family so much as one thin dime. They all have jobs and do well enough on their own. Why gringos want to be a Colombian family's milk cow is beyond my comprehension.

I concur.  I'd bail.

One of my major issues with AW is their materialism.  Now, I understand $250/mo is a bit different, but materialism is materialism.  I feel I'm more than the contents of my wallet.

[flagringo]

...there's an alternative...she can work her own business (sales, vendor, selling clothes, purses, whatever in somewhere in Colombia) in another town (Bogota she can disappear in) and no one will find out...if she needs a bank account...a relative can set one up (not your gal though) and she can pay bills and get paid from customers that way.  Half of all the people I see have invisible businesses down there anyhow..she can't sign any leases or own property (loan shark can find her maybe) so the business she has to have uses someone else's overhead or she gets off her butt and  solicits via internet, phone, or her own shoeleather.  Heck, she could be shining shoes, for that matter!  Wear a wig so no one recognizes her. 

taking this attitude toward the problem empowers you as a decision maker and a problem solver...the reaction by your gal and her Mom will be interesting and will give you valuable info as to what the future may hold...just my 2 cents worth...

flagringo

[Ricardo]

The whole thing sound realy fishy.  Where would 'momma' find a loanshark who would put up $7k (15 mil COP), with no colateral in sight, is beyond me.  Sounds totally unlikely. 
If the mother is in such a tight spot, let her go elsewhere in Colombia or even on the coast (atlantico) and work.  I think Santanger needs to nip this in the bud or be in for more serious 'issues' in the future. 
Let his novia know that guarenteed income for life ain't  gonna happen, see how she responds (after all, it's pretty clear the mother is using/abusing her daughter big time already). 

[bigstew33]

are you sure the daughter is not in on this too? 

[soltero]

It depends...The mother is clearly taking advantage of a situation she more than likely concocted to get over on everyone else unless it is something they have all made up together. If you have spent time with them, you should be able to fathom the answer to that whether you like it or not. You will be hard pressed to find a Latina worth anything who does not care about her family. If the daughter is innocent in all this, then as long as she has not hit you up for any money, and says she wants to pay out of what she makes, that is admirable, but gullible considering mom is truly coming off as just lazy and selfish.

It all boils down to what you are willing to deal with. There are too many women in Colombia to buy into anything you will not be comfortable with. $250 a month is not a lot of money, but I wouldn't want to throw away 5 cents if it's a scam.

This is not something that wil go away one way or another. I would state that the situation is not something you feel comfortable with if that is the case and if your girlfriend does not agree with your wishes, get a new girlfriend. If you think mom is demanding more money now, wait until she has a daughter living in the states where they believe the streets are paved with gold and the rivers flow with milk and honey.

[papi]

I wouldnt say i needed "rescuing."  We're not married yet.   

when i was talking in terms of rescue, many gringos feel the need to save latinas and their family. But as one astute poster wrote above, they managed without us prior to our arrival. Making the relationship about $ is the kiss of death.

[Christopher]

It depends...The mother is clearly taking advantage of a situation she more than likely concocted to get over on everyone else unless it is something they have all made up together. If you have spent time with them, you should be able to fathom the answer to that whether you like it or not. You will be hard pressed to find a Latina worth anything who does not care about her family. If the daughter is innocent in all this, then as long as she has not hit you up for any money, and says she wants to pay out of what she makes, that is admirable, but gullible considering mom is truly coming off as just lazy and selfish.

It all boils down to what you are willing to deal with. There are too many women in Colombia to buy into anything you will not be comfortable with. $250 a month is not a lot of money, but I wouldn't want to throw away 5 cents if it's a scam.

This is not something that wil go away one way or another. I would state that the situation is not something you feel comfortable with if that is the case and if your girlfriend does not agree with your wishes, get a new girlfriend. If you think mom is demanding more money now, wait until she has a daughter living in the states where they believe the streets are paved with gold and the rivers flow with milk and honey.

In a year, "inflation" will make it $350/mo, then there's the medical bills ($450/mo), etc, etc, etc.....

[mudd]

Sorry, sounds like total BS!!!!!  No "loan shark" or local mafia/ narco guy is going to give some lady $ 7000 on some lame business idea, or whatever she said she did, with no type of collateral, or house, car to back it up. You know ho w many people would take $ 7000 and just take off to a different city, loan sharks are not in the business to lose money.  $ 7000 is A LOT of money to people down there.

If you decide to continue with it, and I am not sure why you would, but...... I would tell her, no, your mother has to fix her own problems, and get off her lazy butt and get a job, sounds like she is lazy and just doesn’t want to work, and is having the kids support her lazy lifestyle.  If you don’t set this straight now, it will never work later, you always be # 2 and her mother and family will always be # 1

[doombug]

If we decided to get married my novia said she wants me to send $250/per month to her mother for the rest of her life.

Those were the words of your novia???

Marriage via extortion.

What'll they think of next!

These girls are gettin' cleverer and cleverer.

"Some Australian Aboriginal languages use avoidance speech, so-called "mother-in-law languages", special sub-languages used when in hearing distance of taboo relatives, most commonly the mother-in-law."
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mother-in-law

I guess you gotta ask yourself this: "Self, is this beautiful Latin novia of mine worthy of marriage if it means I'll have to fork over $100,000 over the next 35+ years to placate Jabba the Mother-in-law?"


"Mija, joo need to tell him to send more, eh! I'm starbing here!"

Random MIL jokes/quotes from the WWW:

What's the definition of mixed emotions?
When you see your new mother-in law backing off a cliff in your new Mercedes.

"Distrust all mothers-in-law. They are completely unscrupulous in what they say in court. The wife's mother is always more prejudiced against the husband than even the most ill-treated wife. If I had my way, I am afraid I would abolish mothers-in-law entirely."--Sir Geoffrey Wrangham

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough."

[valleydude]

Wow! I can feel for you. What a difficult position. I know what I would do, but that depends on where the relationship is. Sometimes you don't find these things out until it's too late.

Depending on where the relationship is and what you have together, it will manifest itself greater and in more ways.  It needs to be cut off (or be known that you are in charge now). If her mom truly is in this situation, I would let mom know that we will help out, but we are calling the shots. In these situations, I think a person always has to be prepared to walk until there is a handle on the situation. 

I was in something similar with the Venezuelan. Her Dad controlled her life and when this became evident to me, I began asking questions I could see that her Dad controlled more and more of her life. I remember asking her if we would have to ask her Dad's permission to do things if we were married, and she said: "It depends". I really respect her Dad's opinions, but I could not accept her or him thinking that he will run our relationship.

Ok I am getting side tracked with flashbacks, and it is diffcult to keep something like this simple, so I will tell you what I would genuinely do if I was in this situation. (Assuming I wanted this relationship, mom wasn't controlling and this was only a thorn.)

Ok Babe! $7,000 / $250 is 28. We are sending Mom $250 a month for 28 months. After that, we did our part and we are free and clear. After this, we can re-evaluate and occasionally help out when needed. I can work with you, but we need to work together.

Her reaction to something like that will tell you everything you need to know.

Sorry to get off topic, but it is good to see fathertime back. I always liked that guys posts.

VD

[papi]

i like to give and give generously when they don't ask or least expect it. My latest interest was planning to take a 17 hour bus ride - I went ahead and sent her plane tickets instead. She didn't ask or expect it. I don't mind doing these things but sometimes blow a gasket when they try to scam taxis, ask for carryout for mom, money, gifts and all the other BS.

[Frank Rizzo]

Well a 17 hour bus ride is long. But just a thought Papi, something I do is not interject my thouthts or money to change anything. I look at dating the girls in Colombia as the Matrix. As in "I don't try to make anything out of the ordinary happen", just let the Matrix continue with all the people doing and saying what they usually do. Super low profile.

By keeping it real simple, I would have had any girl there, take the bus ride no matter how long. Looking at Colombia in this way I also don't try to change any of their lives, it just doesn't work for me (for others it might). Now, I understand your heart and I probably would have sent some money to make it a little more plesant for snacks, etc.

Our cultures are so different, they have been used to living on $200-300 USD per month or less their entire lives. Another thing that seems to work for me, if i'm seeing a girl for fun then anything goes, but if you're goining to see some girl seriously, I literally ask her if she's ever dated a gringo. If yes, I pass. Everytime without exception.

[Santanger]

Mudd 
you make a really valid point!  If i was living like that down there, with 7K i would have grabbed the family and taken off too to Bogota and never be heard from again.

Doombug
thats hilarious!!! you made my day but the sad thing is her mother is a pretty close resemblance to good ol Jabba.  I had to do a "double take" when i first met her and then looked at my novia because i just couldnt believe it.  It got me thinking are those genes gonna kick in when my novia turns 40

Papi
you just jogged my memory.  She did order take out Chinese for her mother but in a later casual conversation with her mother..her mother doesnt like Chinese food.  Hmmmm....

VD
appreciate your input but i dont want to send any $$$ down South.  Like i said 250/mo in an account for 18 years will pay for either Santanger Jr's college education or pay off the mortgage

Thanks everybody for all your opinions. I'm going back down to Colombia in mid May