Should I be cautious?

[newby2mailorder]

Hello everyone.
I'm Canadian and in the process of sponsoring a Filipino woman from Cebu and in her last email, she asked if I could help her out financially to pay her bills. She asked for $100 which isn't too bad, unlike in February of 07 I sent her more than that in order for her to finish to pay off her student loan, so she could get the information needed before sending me the forms she's filling out. I met her thru Cherryblossoms last year and made the effort of visiting her. We saw each other a few times as she was working, and I didn't get to see everything I wanted to see even though I researched a trip to the Philippines making sure I knew the customs etc.

I visited the website where she and I met and noticed she visited the site in February 07, so I'm wondering if she's still "looking" for the right man as guys may think she's available. I received lots of replies when I was a member and updated my ad that I'm taken, except she hasn't updated her ad. She's 22 I'm in my late 30s, and I haven't popped the question to her, because I wasn't sure at the time I met her. I stopped writing her because I had the "what the heck was I thinking" and searched for a local girl, but I started writing her again. This is my first time going thru with the foreign woman thing, and my parents tried to talk me out of the trip. I'm surprised they couldn't figure out why I wanted to travel to the Philippines. I haven't sent her money yet apart from the student loans, and wanted to get some advice since I'd rather not end up in debt and heartbroken in the end. thx

[bundy_138]

Set up another account on CherryBlossoms with a new email address and a picture of some other guy.  Write to her as a different person and see where she takes it.  Ask her questions like is she seeing anyone, has she ever been interested in anyone outside of the Philippines before, is she writing anyone else, etc.  If she takes the bait and starts talking like she is on the market, you know you have been had.  Or, find someone willing to go on there for you and try to "contact" her.

Bundy

[newby2mailorder]

I didn't think of a new account before but I know where you're going, and I'll consider it. I was going to ask the woman I'm currently writing to lots of questions, and maybe I've been too hasty with everything. I chose this route because I want to find a woman who will treat me like a king, worship the ground I walk on and not judge me on my appearance along with material things. I feel I'm supposed to have a car to get a date where I live, when I think its more important to have a full time job. I"ve read other forums in the past and heard stories about foreign brides leaving their sponsor, after they've gained their US or Canadian citizenship so I get a little nervous and paranoid.
thanks

[doombug]

a Filipino woman from Cebu and in her last email, she asked if I could help her out financially to pay her bills. She asked for $100 which isn't too bad, unlike in February of 07 I sent her more than that in order for her to finish to pay off her student loan, so she could get the information needed before sending me the forms she's filling out. I met her thru Cherryblossoms last year and made the effort of visiting her.

I visited the website where she and I met and noticed she visited the site in February 07, so I'm wondering if she's still "looking" for the right man as guys may think she's available. I received lots of replies when I was a member and updated my ad that I'm taken, except she hasn't updated her ad. She's 22 I'm in my late 30s, and I haven't popped the question to her, because I wasn't sure at the time I met her. I stopped writing her because I had the "what the heck was I thinking" and searched for a local girl, but I started writing her again. This is my first time going thru with the foreign woman thing, and my parents tried to talk me out of the trip. I'm surprised they couldn't figure out why I wanted to travel to the Philippines.

If you only knew how familiar this sounds to many here.

I haven't sent her money yet apart from the student loans, and wanted to get some advice since I'd rather not end up in debt and heartbroken in the end.

Stick around.

PL may very well save your hide.

As developer of the widely used MOB screening tool, FlagFolioâ„¢; founder of the now defunct IMB, Scentimental Connections; trend-setting apparel designer; and this site's sole--lucrative--male stripper, I welcome you aboard and wish you much luck in your search.

[william3rd]

100 bucks is OK if they are sleeping together. If not- Run away quickly

[Bear]

A hundred bucks is not too much for Cebu.  Cebu is a pretty expensive area of the Philippines to live.  But still I had to force my wife to except money from me and I've seen so many dudes get busted in the mouth big time by very experienced Filipinas who make a living asking AM's for money.  This is to me the biggest Red Flag so be aware.  Note I'm not saying not to send the money, $100 just isn't that much money for Cebu and its gonna take a heck of a lot more to get her to Manila to get paperwork complete and Visa approved and even more to get her here.

I think the idea to open an additional account on Cherry Blossoms seems pretty wise but then I've seen girls write two-three (or more guys) and accept proposals of marriage from more than one of them and marry the first one who shows up on her doorstep and be happily married afterwards.  You have to learn to think like a Filipino.  You haven't made a commitment so why should she.  If you change your mind she might never meet anyone and lose out on a current opportunity with someone at this time.  You really have to be serious, open and obvious with your intent but aware of oddities like the money. 

Still if you are petitioning here why wouldn't you send her money?  Like I said she isn't asking for much unless she getting similar amounts from several guys.  Ask her for receipts.  Say its for tax purposes and her visa interviews.  If she persist with reasons for not providing them then you have a problems.

The Bear Family

[Ray]

Hi newby, welcome to the forum.

Yes, of course you should always be cautious.

I’m a little confused on what your relationship is. You did say that you haven’t popped the question, so I’m assuming that you aren’t engaged to be married?

I’m not very familiar with Canadian immigration procedures. What exactly are you sponsoring her for? Are you intending that she relocate permanently to Canada with you, or is this just for a visit?

Depending on the nature of your relationship, asking for money may not be absolute proof of some kind of scam. If you had not met her in person, then I would advise you to move on. But since you have visited her and have been corresponding for some time, you should have a pretty goop handle on her character by now. If you are still unsure of her motives, then why not slow down and spend some more time getting to know each other?

If you feel really uncomfortable about her requests for money, then I would try simply ignoring them as if she had never asked and see where it goes from there.

Can you answer a few questions so we can get a better feel for what is going on? When did you two first start corresponding? When did you visit her and for how long? Are you at least discussing marriage? Did you meet any of her family? Did she graduate from college? Which school? Who did she borrow the student loan from and how much did she ask for to pay it off? Is she supporting her family financially?

Thanks,

Ray

[newby2mailorder]

Hi Ray.
She and I started writing to each other in late March or early February of last year, and she and I also chat on Yahoo even though of the time difference. I'd know for sure if I didn't delete all my emails from her thru the website, when I started having second thoughts. I saw her 3 times in Cebu and I was there from May 1-6, when in fact I was in Cebu until the day I left because all the flights were booked. I haven't talked to her about marriage although she's asked about it, and I haven't met her family yet. I don't know if she's supporting her family financially. She did graduate from college but I dont know the name, she got the loan from me for around $300. I've never been engaged or married and I'll do it once or not at all, the way I look at things.

The paperwork she and I are filling out is for permanent relocation, and I've been told by one guy in another forum our selection of conjugal partners with Canadian immigration will be rejected. I've checked out the immigration website and it seems to be the best way for her and I as there is an immigration barrier mentioned in the instructions, until I read the fine print saying "joint accounts, combined affairs providing receipts and everything else. I was supposed to meet another woman in Manila during my trip except that I was only there for 2 days, so I didn't see her just the girl in Cebu. I told the girl from Cebu in an email when I got home to Canada that she was the one for me, so maybe I'm hooped. I also "feel" I should finish what I started with this because I made the effort to visit her. I should talk to some of the Filipinos at work to get their help and advice.
thanks

[jm21-2]

I also "feel" I should finish what I started with this because I made the effort to visit her.

Just my 2 cents, but be careful of that attitude. I get sort of competitive when dealing with women (like if it doesn't work out, I've lost somehow) and it's a killer. If you are feeling uncomfortable, not really in love, find yourself bored with her...don't keep going on just because. You aren't even engaged yet, haven't even met her family, and it looks like she's still open to other guys...why should you be closed? If you're worrying about things now, imagine 5, 10, 15 years down the road. If you do think she might be the one, spending more time than a couple days is a must imho...

[newby2mailorder]

Hello again.
I know I get worried at times because I have my ups and downs. I guess I just doing this to prove to my family that mail order bride relationships will prevail just to spite them. I know I'll have to support her when she arrives in Canada for up to 10 years so I get a little freaked over that and the fine print on the immigration paperwork. I think I speak for everybody when I say I'd like to complete the paperwork, without having it comeback to bite me in my butt causing delays. I like the single life dont get me wrong, but I'd sooner shave my face with a chainsaw than attend another wedding or go to a party and feel like an old lamp in the corner.I emailed her back a few minutes ago asking the right questions "is she seeing other men"? golddigger etc. Yes, I haven't met her family as her parents live in Toledo, Cebu and dont know when or if I'll meet them eventually, and I haven't asked where her siblings live. I'll go now and stop going on like a broken record.
thanks

[Ray]

newby,

It sounds as if you don’t really know much about this young lady.

An immigrant visa for “conjugal partners”? I though that was for couples who had been living together as man and wife for many years or more recently, for gay couples.

My advice would be to drop this idea of petitioning her for a visa until you actually get to know her. Make more trips, meet her family, keep corresponding, completely ignore any requests for money, and encourage her to write a letter of introduction to your parents and family members so they can see that she is a real person.

After you have done that, if you feel that this is the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with, then ask her to marry you. If she accepts, then ask for her father’s permission. Plan a nice wedding in the Philippines, enjoy a wonderful honeymoon, and then petition her as your bride and legal spouse, NOT as some “conjugal partner”.

Ray

[Bear]

I agree with Ray.  But I think I'd toss in a few more correspondents.  I knew when I had the right one but I was writing over a dozen when I met her.

The Bear Family

[newby2mailorder]

Hello Ray.
I just started a new job and I think I get a weeks holidays this summer. The rest of my family didn't know I travelled to the Philippines to see women in April of 06 and I'd like to visit the country again, because I didn't get to see everything I wanted to. My family will start getting suspicious and if they found out of my intentions, I'll be thrown to the lions.  They'll tell me I'm wrong with my decision, that she'll dump me the minute she gets over here and every other thing they can mention, so I'll never here the end of it.I think the rest of my family is getting concerned about me as to whether or not I'll find a girl and get married, so I chose this route.I was out of work at the time of my trip thanks to a work shortage, and I had no idea I was gonna get canned just after I booked my trip and time off at my old job. I get cold feet sometimes thinking about marriage as its a really big decision in life along with  improving the immigration visa status. I'm indecisive when it comes to choosing one woman out of several women, so I'd be up all night thinking. I'll keep writing to this girl of course

[Jeff S]

I'm curious how old you are? If when I was looking for a wife my family "got suspicious" or wanted to "throw me to the lions" I'd have laughed in their faces and probably read them out back to get their own lives together and quit worrying about mine. First you need to be a man and keep your own counsel before you can be someone's husband and father, IMO. Sorry if I came on strong, and I'm not trying to flame you or put you down, but your sheepishness about this comes across as immature to me.

- Jeff

[Ray]

Jeff, I believe he said he was in his late 30's.

I agree with you that he should stop worrying about what his family thinks.

[newby2mailorder]

Fine.
I'll get things squared away and go this alone and I dont plan to be a parent anyway, because that's a whole new ball of wax for me. She's just about finished the paperwork also and I'll finish my paperwork, so I can mail it and see what happens.

[jm21-2]

And what does she think about not having children? From what I understand that is a pretty core desire for Filipinas.

I think it's a very bad idea to do this thing just to do it. You get nervous about marriage? Well you should. It's a huge decision. Take your time and do it right, or at least as right as you can. There will always be problems, but you can do plenty of things to make them fewer and smaller ...browse through old posts on this board. There's tons of good advice.

You won't prove you're a man by getting married or anything like that. You need to be confident and comfortable with yourself and your decisions before you tie the knot with someone.

EDIT:
One more thing. If she comes to Canada and runs as soon as she gets there, or drains your money for her family, or leaves after a critical step in the immigration process (for eample, the 2 year mark in the US, if I remember right), or anything like that, you will be handing your family a nuclear bomb which will decimate your ideas on any future venture. Do it right, find a nice girl, and they'll probably come around in time.

Personally, if my family bitched at me about the subject incessantly, I'd walk off/hang up and make no effort to contact them again until they stopped. Your future wife is arguably the most important person in your life. I will see her almost every day for the rest of my life (hopefully), while I see my nuclear family maybe twice a month. Take some time, think about it, get to know her, and bear in mind you're going to be spending a helluva lot more time with her than your family, or anyone else for that matter. Who cares what they say?

EDIT2:
You know, I'm thinking of this in terms of the pressures and obligations a white American guy feels. Maybe you're of a different ethnicity and it's hard for me to understand what family and social pressures you're going though.

[newby2mailorder]

I'll give her up when I was hoping to get off the single train with this last kick at the cat method. I can't seem to fit into traditional methods where I'm supposed to own a car in order to get a reply from the woman, after an introductory email along with lying in a few spots. I've been stressed since I was born, while the rest of the world is always happy go lucky

[Ray]

newby,

You are looking for an easy way to find a wife for all the wrong reasons. Bringing home a young lady from half-way around the world is only going to result in two people being stressed and unhappy instead of one.

I really feel for you and hope that you find happiness some day soon, but this just isn’t the way man.

Good luck,

Ray

[krystallos]

Hello Newby,

I'm woman and i don't think a decent woman would ask man to send money in any way.well,maybe she is really too poor.obvious she is looking for special Automatic Teller Machine,people won't refuse that kind of ATM come more and more,that's why she is still in search.
Why did you send money to her?do you think it's normal?i don't know in Phil,have never been to there.
In my experience,i found that people are used to think about cultural gap too much,but forget the commonness:man is man,woman is woman;cheat is cheat;gold digger is gold digger...whatever appearance they are,wherever they come from.

[newby2mailorder]

I decided to move on and told her to find a new man this morning before I left for work feeling rotten inside just like I do now, but maybe I've saved myself a thousand headaches in the long run. I havent felt this bad since my dads funeral this past July. I think this hurts me more than it will her.
bye

[william3rd]

Very nice post krystallos. . . .

You say what men think from a woman's point of view about gold diggers and the like. . . .