virgins vs mommy

[soltero]

Sol,

I don't speak French, so I did write I might be wrong  . 
I just gave it as my theory.

how many languages do you speak? 

I only claim to be fairly decent with English since it is my mother tongue, but so far, I have dabbled in Spanish, French, German, Korean, and Japanese. I can read Portuguese and Italian fairly well and I play around with Latin to impress the girls. 

Hopefully you can help me pick up a few more phrases in Russian one of these days 

[Parlay Rey]

I only bet on sports. No table games, altough Texas Hold'em is a helluva game. Vegas in April? Nah, nuthin' much here but hookers and blow. Besides, don't you have hands full traversing South America?

[utopiacowboy]

Some of the single mothers did not choose to be single mothers. In fact if they had had their druthers, their husbands would still be alive.

[papi]

UT, good point. I have met a number of women who's novios/husbands were killed or kidnapped. There might also be the small % who are older and don't have a husband and want children. But the majority who end up pregnant without a husband are irresponsible/uneducated.

[Parlay Rey]

Some of the single mothers did not choose to be single mothers. In fact if they had had their druthers, their husbands would still be alive.

I'll rephrase my statement as of course I would never knock widows/widowers.

I preferred a woman without children. No knock on single mothers. I already tried the blended family.

[jm21-2]

I concur. Of the women I dated from various Latin American countries there was a direct correlation between the amount of education and the desire (or lack thereof) to have children early on.

I never wanted a single mother and so ended up dating mostly college educated/professional women.

I think you'll find the same correlation in New York or anywhere else in the world. I know I've read articles about similar behavior in most major American cities. Now, it may not be as strong an effect here, but still...

The way I see it, there are only a few things that can bring a true sense of meaning to your life, such as family, religion, and ambition. My guess is that to a poorer, less educated woman, children (family) seem the obvious (and possibly the only available or known) path.

[el_ruso]

Very thoughtful...

I would take a woman willing to dedicate herself to a family instead of religion or career any day any time.

[jm21-2]

Very thoughtful...

I would take a woman willing to dedicate herself to a family instead of religion or career any day any time.

Haha, I second that one.

Being over-eager about starting a family could be a problem sometimes though...easy to make bad decisions in haste. If you have family as your nearly sole source of life satisfaction, you are more dependent on others (your family) for happiness to a much greater extent. I've seen some couples with only one child have their life ruined when he or she died in their teens...nothing left to live for. Or if your kids get into drugs or with a bad crowd and drop out of school, or don't come to visit you...contrary to what many people would say, family seems like the hardest path to me, so I could see impatience to have a family as potentially problematic...it's a decision which warrants a lot of thought.

I agree with you 100% though, that single moms are a good choice for wives. If you can stand raising someone else's kid(s), that's great. I have a friend who's been with a girl for about 4 years who has 2 kids. she's definitely the best girlfriend any of my friends have had. She's extremely dedicated, values his role as a provider, and she knows how hard it is to find a decent guy when you have kids so she's very loyal and tries to make him happy as best she can.

But he's almost left several times because of the kids. Not only having to watch over them and have them cut into his time with her, but also dealing with custody issues, ex boyfriends, the costs of raising 2 kids, not really knowing anything about parenting, no biological bond with the child, and all sorts of other things. Some of those problems (like the Exes and custody) would be less or non-existent if she was from Colombia, but I'm not sure I'd go for it. Maybe if she was great and the child was extremely young. How do the visa/green card issues work out? Is there a long wait time to get her child here? No clue on that one, but it could cause problems if there was...

[el_ruso]

You raise good issues.  The main issue for me is cost - kids cost money, and it's just an extra expense.  But the way I look at it, I want more than one kid definitely, so I would be having this expense anyway, and most single mothers do have advantages over other women their age.

And the reason I want more than one kid is because as you have said, things can happen, they can get killed or get sick, and even though it will be very hard to survive such a sorrow, if one has other children, it will be a lot easier.

[jm21-2]

You raise good issues.  The main issue for me is cost - kids cost money, and it's just an extra expense.  But the way I look at it, I want more than one kid definitely, so I would be having this expense anyway, and most single mothers do have advantages over other women their age.

And the reason I want more than one kid is because as you have said, things can happen, they can get killed or get sick, and even though it will be very hard to survive such a sorrow, if one has other children, it will be a lot easier.

From my experience, the cost in attention, patience, and time is much greater than the cost in money when it comes to kids. I wholeheartedly agree with your other points though. IMHO, people who only have one kid are begging for disasters. I'm thinking 3 is a solid number. Maybe that sounds cold, but I'm not much of a gambler.

Another potential strong point of a girl with a kid is that I would think she would be more willing to wait a bit before having kids with you. I would want to be married a bit, just to be safe, before having kids of my own with a girl.

[el_ruso]

You are absolutely right on both of these points.

[Ray]

How do the visa/green card issues work out? Is there a long wait time to get her child here?

jm,

It’s normally not a problem.

If the child is under 21 and unmarried, then both mother and child/children can be included in a single fiancée visa petition and will normally be issued visas together (K-1/K-2 or K-3/K-4)). If the child does not accompany mom, he/she is usually eligible for a ‘follow to join’ visa within a year of mom’s visa issue date. If the child does not follow mom within a year it becomes a whole new set of problems with more long waits.

Children are treated somewhat the same for CR-1/CR-2 visas but separate petitions are required and there are some restrictions on the age of the child at the time of the marriage.

I remember one case where a foreign spouse’s 16-year-old son was denied a visa because he admitted at his medical exam to having experimented with smoking pot.

[el_ruso]

Ray,

thanks!!!  the issue is really more mine than JM's, and I appreciate your advice.  I would not think there will be problems, but it's good to get this detailed info.

[jm21-2]

Good to know though. I figured there was some mechanism for bringing the kid along, but wasn't sure. It would suck if she had to petition for them as a permanent legal resident...the wait time for Colombia has to be pretty damn long...

[Jeff S]

I've always been of the opinion that single moms or at least divorced women have an advantage over never married types because they understand the realities and consequences of making a mistake. Yes, maybe they were a contributing element to the breakup, but then again maybe a single girl is single because she's got relationship problems too. Never married women often have this Prince Charming complex, when they believe in fantasy romance and are sometimes disappointed with the realities of married life. Single moms, on the other hand, are more realistic and appreciative to someone who treats them, and their children well. My wife had an 9 year old daughter when we were married, and I've never regretted raising her daughter as my own for one minute. She's definitely daddy's little girl.

- Jeff

[papi]

Never married women often have this Prince Charming complex...

it has never been a concern since el papi is every hottie's prince charming 

on the subject of kids, i love them (i am crazy about dogs too). I just don't want to start a family at 47 and happy my current interest is both young and does not want children...which is extremely rare in latin america or anywhere else for that matter.

[soltero]

I've always been of the opinion that single moms or at least divorced women have an advantage over never married types because they understand the realities and consequences of making a mistake. Yes, maybe they were a contributing element to the breakup, but then again maybe a single girl is single because she's got relationship problems too. Never married women often have this Prince Charming complex, when they believe in fantasy romance and are sometimes disappointed with the realities of married life. Single moms, on the other hand, are more realistic and appreciative to someone who treats them, and their children well. My wife had an 9 year old daughter when we were married, and I've never regretted raising her daughter as my own for one minute. She's definitely daddy's little girl.

- Jeff

I agree with you completely in your assessment of the single mom, but where I find difficulty is in is it worth it to take in the anklebiter because mom has now found good sense out of necessity? If I was able to dodge that bullet up unti this point, I don't see anything that would make me give up and just accept responsibility for someone else's screw up at this late date no matter whether they learned from it or not.

[papi]

I agree with you completelty in your assessment of the single mom, but where I find difficulty is in is it worth it to take in the anklebiter

ankle biter lol

someone else's screw up

i have argued before that in the majority of the cases, there is a lack of responsibility.

[el_ruso]

"happy my current interest is both young and does not want children..."

so what will be the purpose of her life then?  seriously.  but as I have said, I am glad you two have found each other, and that your ideas mesh, as weird to me as they might be.

[Parlay Rey]

Granted single mothers/divorced women have the advantage of life experience mistakes over never married ones, however it 's a two-edged sword. Those same life mistakes come with associated baggage as well. I wasn't willing to inspect the tags on those maletas this go round.

You start with a clean slate with never married women; no preconceived notions, no angry fathers, custody, visitation, etc. A breakup with a boyfriend is far less a life altering experience than having a child or going through a divorce.

My goal from the outset was to stop problems before they start. For me, a woman with a child would have brought too many variables into the mix when when focusing on a cross-cultural, international long-term personal relationship. It's hard enough trying to build a bond with a woman on another continent. Bonding with her and her offspring (whose feelings may or may not be mutual) is too much to reckon with in too short a timeframe.

Just my $0.02

[el_ruso]

I don't really view having a child as a "screwup", even if the relations between the child's parents did not work out.  I did not purposefully seek a woman with a kid, and I doubt anyone does.  But as I have said I believe the potential advantages outweigh the potential negatives.  When you pick a girl, there are always pros and cons, and if a child is something you can't accept, I don't blame you or judge you.  It is indeed a great responsibility. 

For me what I would NOT accept are substance dependency (drugs, alcohol, etc), excessive involvement with religion, lack of desire to have children and a liberal view on abortions.  If I were dating a woman, and found out she had one, unless it was a rape or a medical concern, I would leave her, even if she were Miss Universe.  Or for that matter if she stated that she thinks they should be allowed on demand whenever. 

Well, and the obvious things like propensity to violence, manifest dishonesty, manipulation, dislike of her or my family, lack of respect.

[fathertime]

Isn’t it a little harsh to call the child/mother a screw up?  I think I know what you were really saying old man, but still, in most cases the mother and child would never give each other up and would only consider each other worthy of love and so would I...I think if I were wearing your clothes, I would not pass up the the opportunity to be a hero again if it felt right, but then again I don't want to wear your clothes!

Fathertime!

[papi]

so what will be the purpose of her life then?  seriously.  but as I have said, I am glad you two have found each other, and that your ideas mesh, as weird to me as they might be.

a couples purpose in life does not always have to be about breeding little papi's but i guess that concept is "weird" to you. i do however enjoy practicing having kids...lol

[soltero]

Isn’t it a little harsh to call the child/mother a screw up?  I think I know what you were really saying old man, but still, in most cases the mother and child would never give each other up and would only consider each other worthy of love and so would I...I think if I were wearing your clothes, I would not pass up the the opportunity to be a hero again if it felt right, but then again I don't want to wear your clothes!

Fathertime!

FT, good to see you posting again. "Screw Up" is a generalization and directed towards the unwed. I wasn't referring solely to the mother as it takes two to tango, and I wasn't even at the dance. I am a firm believer in the progression of marriage first, then children. Any other situation is considered by me to be poor planning. Just my opinion. It is a shame that it sometimes takes a child for a woman to grow up and understand responsibility, but it shows more responsibility (to me) for a woman to avoid the necessity of being a mother to find her good sense. 

Coming into the situation after the fact allows one to see how she has dealt with it. When she found out about it the first time, I would bet dollars to doughnuts she probably would have felt it was a mistake also. I don't think I have met anybody who has had an unplanned pregnancy start screaming "Oh JOY!" from minute one. If you have, then your experiences have been different than mine.

[Ray]

Good to know though. I figured there was some mechanism for bringing the kid along, but wasn't sure. It would suck if she had to petition for them as a permanent legal resident...the wait time for Colombia has to be pretty damn long...

If the child is unmarried and meets the age requirements, the American citizen spouse can petition a stepchild as if it were his own child. There would be no waiting for a visa number and only the I-130 processing time would be applicable.

In the case where the visa applicant chooses not to bring the child with her or have the child follow within a year, that is what would normally be the procedure to bring the child over later.