Questions before marriage to a foreign woman

[sean126]

I’ve seen a lot of different posts and heard rumors about some the problems the men have with  foreign women before they go to the man’s country or after they get there.  I’ve thought about some questions men should ask themselves before getting married in the girl’s home country before she has the visa or before bringing her to your country to get married.  I would think it would be a good rule of thumb for the men to ask and answer themselves honestly and sincerely before making the plunge with the woman that’s captured their imagination and heart.   I’m sure other men can add to these, but here’s mine.  

1.  Do I trust her with my money (in your country as well as in her’s)?  

I think this is a biggie for most men. Sadly, it is probably the one that weighs most heavy on the man’s mind.  â€œIs she only after me for my money“?  â€œIs her mom really sick or does she just want money?”  â€œWhat happens when she comes here?  Will she want to support her family?”  â€œWill she divorce me as soon as she’s legal and try to take half?”  ect..    I think you would naturally want to marry a woman that you trust with your money.   If you don’t, then you probably have no business even being engaged at this point until you do trust her or until you find someone else that you trust.  If your making vows to each other on your wedding day…this shouldn’t even be running through your head.   After your married, isn’t it “Our” money instead of  â€œmine”?  I know, I know....bad women and unfair divorce laws....but perhaps if you put as much effort into finding the "right woman" as you did acquiring money and possessions then you probably wouldn't need a pre-nup.  To me, a pre-nup is a safety net against someone's stupidity, lack of good judgement and common sense, laziness in taking the time to find a good woman and possible laziness in the future on your part in keeping love and respect alive in the marriage.

2.  Do I trust her to be faithful (here in your country as well as in her’s )?

I’ve seen more than a few men on different forums talk about moving to her country  with the MAIN reason being ….so she’d stay MORE faithful and to keep her away from younger, just as (or more) successful  men that are more attractive  and to keep her options to a minimum, so to speak.  How stupid is this?  Your going to marry a women, one whom you really don’t trust to be faithful to you and instead of looking for one that you DO trust…what do you do?  You pack up and move to another country.   She is who she is and geography won’t change that.  My opinion is…your marriage would be one big charade if this is your main reason for moving.  If she’s prone to be unfaithful then it’s just a matter of time before she’s unfaithful in HER home country.  Actually, she’d have the advantage there if you think about it.  If you think you need to stay in her country to keep her...how pathetic are you?  If this runs through your head...I hope it also runs through your head that your not a husband, your a sugar daddy who is begging a woman not to leave you...and your doing it a cowards way to boot.  If this is your senerio then you deserve to be with someone you trust to be faithful to you, don't you?

3.  Do I trust her to be honest with me?  
4.  Do I know what her definitions are of the roles of a good wife and a good husband ?
5.  Do I know what her plans and dreams are for the future?
6.  Do I actually believe that she loves me just for me and the TYPE of person I am?
7.  Do I actually love her for the TYPE of person she is?

These are self explanatory and I think they deal with getting to know the person, inside.  

I think if you answered “NO” to any of these, then I think you need to either; talk more to get to know her better and get the answer BEFORE getting engaged or find someone else.   Especially the first 3.  If you can’t trust her because of red flags on her part or because of insecurity and fear on your part…then you might as well hang it up.  And Love? Well, that’s just common sense.

I think that too many men believe there is something “magical” about looking for a wife in a foreign country.  Some appear to think they don’t need to put AS MUCH effort into the screening process, the “getting to know her”  process and “I need to pull my head out of my butt and think with the RIGHT head” process.   It appears they think the filtering process for a mate is different than the one in their own country and that true love just naturally happens faster in a different country.   In my opinion, you need to put just as much time, effort and brains into choosing a mate as you do a marriage once your in it.  If you don’t, then your begging for failure….or at the very least (if your lucky) a bunch of additional problems you don’t need.

I think wayyyy to many people don’t respect the sanctity of  marriage anymore.  Before they even get married, I think many people say, “well, I can always get a divorce.”  Marriage, for most people I think, has lost most of it’s meaning and  seriousness and has produced many liars and selfish individuals striving for dominance and self reliance in a situation where it has absolutely no business what-so-ever.

Before getting engaged or married....Think, people!!!!!  At least that’s what I say.    

[blockbuster]

I think that too many men believe there is something “magical” about looking for a wife in a foreign country.  Some appear to think they don’t need to put AS MUCH effort into the screening process, the “getting to know her”  process and “I need to pull my head out of my butt and think with the RIGHT head” process.   It appears they think the filtering process for a mate is different than the one in their own country and that true love just naturally happens faster in a different country.   In my opinion, you need to put just as much time, effort and brains into choosing a mate as you do a marriage once your in it.  If you don’t, then your begging for failure….or at the very least (if your lucky) a bunch of additional problems you don’t need.


 Sean,

 I think some people believe looking in a foreign country means they do not have to put much effort in THEMSELVES to be the sort of man women would choose if she was'nt desperate. The reality of this endeavor is as I've said before  a lot of guys who are socially inept, have dependency problems,lack ambition, obese,too old,let themselves go ect,think this is an easy way to get a mate without working on their shortcomings.

  . They feel don't have to try hard to fix themselves because they think she is desperate and poor,so therefore better be grateful. So they look for the poorest countries,then they want to know which area has the biggest shortage of men so they can have an even greater advantage.  I don't know how many times I've read poster ask questions such as "What town has the most beautiful women? "Or where do they have the largest male shortage. they go nuts when someone says it's 5:1 in favor of males. Imagining now they really have advantages.The screening process is the least of the issues. they all want the hottie who would not look at them twice if she  was of higher class, or had a decent job in the U.S.There is a small minority of men doing this who are high caliber. You being one of them.
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[valleydude]

That's a nice little list.  I always thought of these questions, but it is really good to see them elaborated on. I think it was you, (Sean) and a someone else that posted about look for what they need in a girl instead of what they want. In the past few months I have been doing a little change of direction and that's what I have really been looking at in last few months as well.

I'm not sure what you would call these posts, spirtual, insightful, or whatever, but it's always good to see one of these deeper type posts. For me, even though I know some of these things, it helps to organise and sort it all out when I see it written all out.

Nice post!
VD

[el_ruso]

Sean,

I agree with most of what you say.  Overseas relationshiops are a lot more demanding than local ones, contrary to the agency industry's hype.

And that's why it is imperative for the guy to be ready to invest time and effort into learning about the girl, into establishing trust, into making sure that she right for him and he is right for her.  And despite of the condemnation of "nutjobs", Spanish ability is very important since it is really impossible to maintain a normal relationship sans communication.  The guy does indeed need to demonstrate that he wants to know goals and dreams of the girls, that he wants to help her make them the reality.

Also the guy has to be positive and self-confident.  You can't date a beautiful and desirable woman and think of yourself as "unworthy" of her, that she will leave you at the first opportunity.  It might be the case, but not necessarily so.  To be loved and desirable, the man has to have a healthy self-esteem, or he will only attract women with ulterior motives.  If you don't trust the woman you are with, your life will be depressing and your relationship will ultimately fail.

It is true that it is more likely that the colombiana will leave her foreign husband if he brings her to US, but the guys should be careful not to attract such relationships.  The only relationships that stand a real risk of failure due to wife's relocation are the unhealthy ones, the ones without the sound foundation.  If the woman is with the man for something other than love, she is likely to leave.  If he tried to impress her by telling her stories about himself that prove to be false, she might leave him.  If he is insecure, jealous, trying to control her to prevent from being independent or meeting other men, she will likely leave.  If he doesn't want to have children, or fails to establish relations with her existing kids, she will likely leave.  If the woman makes an effort to look good, and the guy is a slob, she will likely leave.  A woman might tolerate such a relationship back in Colombia, but will not here.

And guys should be careful and avoid the temptation of falling for the first seemingly sweet girl that comes their way.  The overseas relationships attract women with ulterior motives, golddiggers, greencard sharks, retiring prostitutes and other such characters in inordinate proportion.  And the guys who are most vulnerable to being scammed: "newbies", guys who don't speak Spanish, guys with no experience in Latin America are the ones who predominantly use agencies and "tours" where the risk of meeting a woman with ultirior motives is a high.

The solution is not being cynical or suspicious, and definitely not to give up, but to:
- buildup self-confidence
- invest time to get to know the girl
- put effort into spanish
- pay attention to character, not just to boobs and ass

[sean126]

Blockbuster and El Ruso...I agree 100%.  You guys brought up another good point about the guys not working on "themselves". 
Also, as Ruso said...self-esteem plays a huge role in the type of women you attract and I think it plays a huge role in your success or failure.

[papi]

send me the cliff notes on the thread and congrats on the big promotion! seems you guys don't like the kiss principal...keep it simple stupid

[blockbuster]

I doubt self confidence is something many of the guys seeking foreign wives lack. No matter what people may think of Jaime and disagree there is one thing he wrote I completely agree with. "All of the guys coming to my agency consider themselves "average" or "above average". That is typical,more guys suffer from dillusion than self esteem issues..

   I will not bring up names, but I do recall looking at the website of another forum member whose wife had left him after the magic 2 years. I almost sprayed my coffee out my nose after seeing a quote this 300lb+ ,close to 50 year old man wrote.

"There are thousands and thousands of beautiful foreign women who would give anything to have a man like me." What dillusional world was this guy living in? But he is typical of many guys. They can do all of the checking in the world, but until they try to be the sort of man,the beautiful women they desire are searching,there will always be train wrecks. ILke attracts like in the long run.

[papi]

well, he is not totally wrong. there are thousands of hot babes that will go with him...for 2 years. maybe that works for both parties. Yet, I guess IMBR killed that party, otherwise a 2 year rotation might not be all bad. I could see a chubby papi at 70 working on hottie wife #10 age 21....como no?