The problems with U.S. men--part 2

[sean126]

Part one ended with me saying that it’s my opinion that many (perhaps not most, but many) American men go to Colombia thinking that somehow these women are more submissive and more docile than American women and how I thought they were in for a very rude awakening.

It’s my belief that it’s true, on average, that many Colombian women will make a better traditional wife than American women.  However, being “TRADITIONAL” is not the same as being more submissive and docile…at least not in the way that we, American men, define it.  I think that if a Colombian woman has a problem with you then she will not hesitate to let you know that she doesn’t like it or that she’s not happy about it.  She will stand up for herself and put up a good argument.  Everyone has a different temperaments it’s true, but you can’t be as passionate about life and as zealous about having a happy family as they are (or so it seems) and not be strong…inside.   I don’t know about you, but I’ve heard about Latin women having passionate personalities, being able to argue with the best of men and having a fiery temper when angered or provoked.  And from what I’ve seen so far in Barranquilla and from other female friends whose lived in different parts of Colombia …this is true.  I think they will make a better traditional wife as far as filling a more traditional role as a wife and mother.  Men thinking that they are more docile and submissive must somehow equate being more traditional and coming from a poorer country with  having these two timid traits.    Having these, what I think are wrong, ideas leads me into the next problems I think American men have.

On one end of the spectrum I spoke about the guys who turn themselves into a doormat for women and are OVERLY nice and giving...to the point of being stupid.   Now we have the guys who are basically a control freak, overly dominating or just plain abusive.  These are the types who have memorized by heart and aren’t afraid to repeat that often misguided, mis-used and misinterpreted verse about, “wives, submit yourselves unto your husbands.”  These men rarely, if ever, give their wives the respect and honor that they are entitled to.  They need to make every decision about every dollar spent, about every color and about place his wife goes, and which friends his wife can have.  They cringe at the idea of their wife going out by themselves or having a hobby other than her husband’s desires.  These types of men are also fueled by, besides their distrust and insecurities, money.  The more money they have and bring in….many times the more of a control freak and dominating they are.  They demand respect instead of earning it and they try to force it out of them instead of loving it out of them by being a proper husband.  Sometimes they will even expect their wives to take on this more traditional, passive and Biblical role as a wife and  in turn not take on a more traditional, leading and Biblical role as a husband.  They don’t know how to give their wife the respect she needs and is due to her….nor do they really care until she decides to leave his sorry butt and then they offer her the moon.  Some try to control the woman’s personal growth by trying to retard it.  Men should let the woman be who she is and grow how she’s going to grow.  If we are doing OUR job as a man, leader, and the right kind of husband….we don’t have anything to worry about.  I think deep down some men know that they are a butthead and so…are afraid that if she grows then she will wise up and leave him.  So they combat this by being dominating and controlling.  I actually had a friend’s wife tell me that her husband wouldn’t let her walk around the strip mall (they lived across the street from one) alone or even with their kid.  I would ask him if he wanted to meet somewhere for drinks or something and shoot the breeze for a little while and he’d always decline.  He just didn’t like his wife being alone because he enjoyed being that kind of a husband and it drove her crazy.  She even  later asked if she could move in with me if she left him because she couldn’t take it anymore.  (Naturally I declined.)

 We also have the passive controlling or the oblivious type.   These are the ones who control a situation by not talking, over working or by forgetting that while she may be a wife and/or a mother….she’s still a woman at her core and still needs to be wooed from time to time.  She can’t be a wife if your not talking to her or if your always out working trying to grab that extra dollar when all the while you have a diamond sitting  at home.  No one has ever solved a problem by not talking about it.  True, you may have to calm down first and get your mind right….but if you don’t talk about a problem it will never be resolved and it WILL resurface again in one form or another.  Many American men will go to school for years on end to get that killer job with the important title….or spend years perfecting that  hobby, but few will ever think it’s important enough to learn how to communicate to their woman or think that his presence in the home or him just being with her is of more value to her (spiritually and emotionally) than a bigger house or a nicer car.  Many men will wake up every morning and say…”Today I have to do this and I have to do that, I have to go here and I have to fix this.”  Few will stop during their busy day and ask themselves…”You know, she’s a good woman to me, what can I do today to show her how much I love her?”  I’ve been told by some men that their wives already know he loves her because he’s a good worker and good provider and he is always fixing something around the house.  While this may be true….She is still a woman.  A woman who likes cards, flowers, dinner dates or whatever…out of the blue and for no other reason than “I love you.”  I’ve told men, ”you mean you trust your wife with your life, she’s your reason for living and you’d gladly die for her in a second….BUT you won’t stop by the store on your way home and pick up a $4.00 bouquet of flowers or a $2.00 card because you love her….BECAUSE she already knows you love her?”   I have many   female friends….I don’t know if any have ever told you this, but many have told me that they told their boyfriend or husband…”If you can’t buy me flowers when I’m living, then don’t buy me flowers when I’m dead.”

There are some men who will keep things inside and let them build up and then when a small disturbance arises….they explode and look like a raving lunatic and a complete idiot.  And she’s standing there thinking…”why is he getting so mad over THIS?”
Then another problem is that some men forget that they can’t talk to a woman like they can another man when they are angry.  They can’t voice their aggravations or frustrations to their woman like they can to a man.  Women take it a lot differently.  If your in a committed relationship….dating or marriage….We men (myself included) forget that our words do more damage than we could imagine.  Thus, over time we slowly erode the trust, confidence and respect that the women hold for us.  Then years later…we are left  standing there thinking, “why’d she leave?  I was a good husband.?“  After all, they do trust and expect us to take care of them and protect them not only physically, but emotionally and spiritually as well.

I’ve noticed when men speak of a “traditional wife”, what they most likely are saying is that they want one like described in the Bible, even if he doesn’t believe in God.  Whether or not you’re a Christian….the Bible is an excellent book on how to be a good husband and wife.  You just have to know how to read it and apply it to get the most out of all the stories.  Many men spend too much time in trying to find the perfect wife for themselves rather than spending time on learning how to be a good husband and man to their potential wife.  Men will have no problem reading a sports, car or playboy magazine or maybe even a history book….but you rarely see one with a relationship book in his hand….UNTIL his woman leaves him and he’s so depressed that he’s suicidal.
    
Some have this “challenge addiction” thing going on.  It’s no fun for the man or the excitement somehow vanishes when the challenge is gone.  When the woman finally gives herself to him, is acting the way he wants her to act and is being loving, faithful and devoted…Then Poof!  He decides that’s not the girl for him because he doesn’t feel the same anymore.  My wife was the first woman who I wasn’t chasing a lot.  We were just meant to be.  It almost feels strange because I trust her so much.  I noticed that I don’t have the tension in the pit of my soul and it may sound weird, but I don’t have the same KIND of lust for her as I did with other women.  She’s the first woman that I truly and totally trusted in my life…and there is no challenge and no chase involved.  Some men, for some reason, need that initial “spark, lust and chase” phase to keep them going in the relationship.  When that calm, trusting and soothing feeling gets there….they split.  The fun is gone out of it for them.      

I’m extremely lucky, as I’m sure some are that’s reading this….in that, my wife and I seem to have this rubber band between us.  If  I get too far out, if I start going overboard or if  I stop acting like a Christian….she pulls me back to reality and vice versa.  We have our problems sometimes, but all the tears, heartbreaks and loneliness that I had for the first 17 years of my dating life was worth it.  I’ve forgotten it like the water that runs under a bridge.  

Well, these are a lot of my opinions and thoughts on many (maybe or maybe not most)  American men.  There’s still a few more to list…but what the heck?  
I know that I personally have gone through many, if not all of these phases or problems before I eventually got it right.  I believe if anyone has a few of these problems now….then getting a woman from a different country is not going to help their odds for a successful and satisfying relationship very much.  They will keep blaming everyone but themselves…I know I did for about 32 years.

This is sean126 with planet-love.com saying….“Goodnight Mrs. Kalibash, where ever you are.”        

[Nectar]

pick up a $4.00 bouquet of flowers 

You have a phone number for that Flower Shop?  That is 1970's prices!

[sean126]

Yeah, call Walmart or Krogers (I don't know if you have one where you are), but you can get flowers that don't cost that much.  It doesn't take alot money to make your sweetheart feel like a million bucks.

[Nicks]

Sean,

just out of curiosity, what is a TRADITIONAL wife to you?

nicks

[sean126]

Excellent question Nicks!!
Give me a minute to formulate into words my opinion and I'd also be very interested in hearing the definition of Traditional from others...and if they think it is different than being submissive (almost subservient) and docile.  I'd especially like to see the difference in opinions from someone like Daytader's compared to Papi's, if they'd care to comment.

[papi]

Give me a minute to formulate into words my opinion

can we get the cliff notes? 

[papi]

I'd especially like to see the difference in opinions from someone like Daytader's compared to Papi's

I feel inspired by you young whippersnappers and hoping for the best with my cyber-novia (although we did meet 2 years ago). I'd like to be able to trust her. Of course, I need quimica. It wouldn't hurt if she can rock my world in the sack. And makes me laugh.

I have had past novias that cooked, cleaned and ironed my shirts but I'd just assume marry a smart girl with the drive to get a job. We can always hire a maid.

[soltero]

I'd like to be able to trust her. Of course, I need quimica. It wouldn't hurt if she can rock my world in the sack. And makes me laugh.

Papi, for the life of me, I know that if ever on your bad side you wouldn't hesitate to throw me to the wolves, but I just can't help feeling like you are a babe in the woods on occasion...

Read the above quote by you...

When all that falls in line THEN you can call the girl your NOVIA. Don't put the cart before the horse...Less disappointment that way.

[Fuzzyone]

Sean,

just out of curiosity, what is a TRADITIONAL wife to you?

nicks

  Traditional?

     Well I think is traditional is a woman that knows how to cook and clean, the cleaning does not have to be perfect I have ran into woman that would flip if you sat a cup on anything with out a coaster. I also think that the woman would make her first priority her family.

     I do not have a problem with the woman working. I also like a woman who can make her own decisions with out having to come to me everytime to see if it is ok.

    My wife I consider traditional, she cooks very good her cleaning is not the best but she makes her family first.

[daytrader]

I'd especially like to see the difference in opinions from someone like Daytader's compared to Papi's, if they'd care to comment.

Now that's a difference between Night & Day if I ever heard one......my woman does her thinking between her ears not between her thighs....lol...

DayTrader

[fathertime]

Now that's a difference between Night & Day if I ever heard one......my woman does her thinking between her ears not between her thighs....lol...

I think best with my ears snugly between my woman's thighs!

Fathertime!

[Nicks]

I dont look for traditional women. My wife, cant cook, hates to cook, cleans like [snip]. She is a great mom, and a funny person to be around. and i can talk to her.

I like women who have opnions, ideas, goals, and can argue ethics, moral, history, etc..i could not marrie  a 18 year old kid.I ned someone who will bounce ideas as well as boobs of my head

nicks

[sean126]

Nicks...here's my definition.  And in trying to keep it brief,  I wrote the cliff notes version especially for Papi. LOLOLOL.  As you can tell from my past writings, this is just a brief overview.

My definition of a traditional wife… is a woman who will let the man take the lead in the major decisions for the family.  One who is comfortable and satisfied in her role as the major care taker of the house and one who knows that she plays a bigger part in setting the tone of the home…as far as having a happy home, some place nice to come home to, ect…Establishing the rules for child rearing is joint venture though.  Her family comes first before her career and she knows that the relationship with her husband is the foundation for the “family”.  She has respect for her husband’s leadership and decisions and while expressing her own views and opinions…she accepts the husband’s decision without any real grudges or resentment.  She will also be secure and confident enough in her husband to be able to voice her opinion and ideas freely.   Of course…being smart, funny, loving..ect…is required too, but that’s more a compatibility thing and doesn’t have anything to do with being traditional in my opinion.    
For instance….A couple has a child…say 9 years old.  The child has a chance to go on a school trip to Italy.  One of the parents says…I think the child should go, it’s a good opportunity to see different things and a different culture and it would be good for them.  The other says…I think it is too dangerous.  Anything could happen, if the child  got hurt and needed an operation or something and it required our signature we wouldn’t be there. I think it’s a bad idea.  Here…neither are wrong and both are right.  I think after careful consideration (and prayer) on the man’s part and after discussing it with his wife…he gives his decision.  I think that the wife should have enough trust and confidence in her husband for deciding what’s best for the family.  Even if she disagrees, I think a more traditional wife would be more apt to accept the decision without a lot of back lash for the husband.

A submissive and docile wife would and can certainly fit into the confines of a “traditional wife role”, but taken to the EXTREME in my opinion (which is what I was talking about)…I think she would loose her identity and feel like her opinion doesn’t really matter and basically become a “ yes man” to her husband.  His ideas, opinions and beliefs become hers instead of her formulating her own.  What ever the man says and wants is law and she doesn’t try to challenge it when she thinks it’s wrong. The men are able to tell her where she can and can’t go, who she can have as friends and who she can’t…ect…and she accepts it. In the extreme…basically the man tells her how to live.
I had a friend’s wife tell me that she worked with a lady who’s from the Middle East, I don’t know which country.  She said that the lady got off work a few hours before her and when she seen her waiting outside she asked why she was still waiting.  The lady told her that she had to wait on her husband to get off from work to pick her up because she wasn’t allowed to drive herself or get a ride with anyone.  I would consider this being too submissive and docile.

Daytrader...the night and day difference of opinion is exactly what I was talking about.  Just interested in the differences between the definitions was all.

[daytrader]

Want a successful relationship with a woman? 

Consult Ephesians 5....especially 5:21 "submit to one another as in Christ"  NIV

Treating each other with respect at all times is the foundation between me and my Cali Diamond. 

Sean, your example with the 9 yr old is perfect -- there has to be trust between you two, and deference to the husband at certain times in the relationship.  The husband can never abuse this trust, be open to communication with her and her extended familia as well as being open to getting advice from others (without compromising core beliefs).

Communication was key between Cali Diamond and I on the last 3 week trip; there were a number of instances where things had to be discussed and explained (due to my lousy spanish), and after each instance, the relationship with her and her kids was stronger.  Truely amazing, all glory goes to God and His Son...and to her as well! 

DayTrader   

[daytrader]

...postscript....if one goes to www.ebible.com and enters "humble in spirit" you will find 1048 references in the NKJV!  Probably the most important concept in a maintaining a successful relationship with a woman on planet earth....and, of course, she needs to practice it as well.   

DayTrader