Glamour photos are killing me

[SteveK]

I've started corresponding with a women I picked at CherryBlossoms.com a few days ago.  She is very open about her intention to find a life long companion and I believe she is sincere.  We enjoy chatting with each other she has alot of qualities I'm looking for, so she's on the my short list of ladies I'm considering.   

But, I'm also looking for  physical attraction and of course her photos are the reason I selected her.  So, to get to the point, I realize now that the photos she posted may be 10 to 15 years old.   These photos are professional glamour shots and I'm surprised how many girls from 3rd world countries are using them on the MOB sites!  These girls really plan ahead!

This has really dulled my feelings for her, but I'll probably continue to write and see if I can't get a recent photo.   I guess it's another case of "buyer beware".  I hope I'm not sounding shallow by putting so much weight on physical beauty, but for me it's about 40% of the equation, with personality at 20% and inner qualities the other 40%.

It's easy to fall for these glamour photos, but I'm beginning to view them as a red flag to stay away.  Any suggestions on how to tactfully ask for a recent photo?

Steve

[william3rd]

Just ask her to email you a couple photographs with her family or something like that. . . . Or snail mail you.

hehehehe. Pretty simple. . . . If she wont do that then you can decide whether you want to go along with that or not.

[SteveK]

Just ask her to email you a couple photographs with her family or something like that. . . . Or snail mail you.

hehehehe. Pretty simple. . . . If she wont do that then you can decide whether you want to go along with that or not.

Thanks William.  You're the man!

[doombug]

Out of curiosity, what lead you to believe that her photos might be 10 to 15 years old?

Seems you're progressing wisely, though.

One Vietnamese lady I found, C00642842, looks great in her "glamour" shot. While two of her secondary profile photos show her in an internet cafe and are much less "regal."

And what a foreboding name she has: Bich.

[SteveK]

Out of curiosity, what lead you to believe that her photos might be 10 to 15 years old?

Seems you're progressing wisely, though.

One Vietnamese lady I found, C00642842, looks great in her "glamour" shot. While two of her secondary profile photos show her in an internet cafe and are much less "regal."

And what a foreboding name she has: Bich.

She emailed me 2 photos.  The 1st was another glamour shot... perfect figure, perfect face.   The 2nd photo was probably taken with a cell phone, low resolution, fuzzy, but she had obviously gained about 10 pounds.   Really though, it's her age (44) does not match her face in the glamour shot.

I'm not going to say anything bad about her.  She's competing against many girls half her age and she may feel no one would select her based on current photos.  Personally I'm not interested in the young girls because I don't feel I have anything in common with them.  I'd really like to see the older women post their real photos, because there are many women in their 40's whom I think are still very beautiful. 

If she were living her the U.S. I'd just make a date and find out how she looks, but I may have to pull the plug on this one if I can't get a current photo from her.

Steve
 

 

[doombug]

She emailed me 2 photos.  The 1st was another glamour shot... perfect figure, perfect face.   The 2nd photo was probably taken with a cell phone, low resolution, fuzzy, but she had obviously gained about 10 pounds.   Really though, it's her age (44) does not match her face in the glamour shot.

Seems as if she's being very selective with which photos to reveal. This is probably nothing out of the ordinary, though. I, too, have struggled a little over which photos to put up on matchmaking sites in the past. For most of us, judgment by first impression is the significant factor in our decision make a move. Yet when on the receiving end, we'd prefer that people delve into our life a little before being so abrupt in righting us off.

What do the professionals have to say?

First impressions
A first impression is made very quickly, probably quicker than we all realise, probably between five and seven seconds, so within that time people have judged all sorts of things: how credible, how professional, how trustworthy, how friendly, how approachable, how creative. All these sorts of things go through peoples minds very quickly.

What research shows is that when we make a first impression, what others do is scan in our whole bodies, so all the non-verbal elements of how we present ourselves. This includes everything from dress and grooming, body language and indicators, smiling posture, eye contact -- all these sorts of things come across very quickly, we are judged in the first few second. This represents a huge percentage in the way we come across, that is the way we are as human beings.

The next thing we add to that personal impression is the quality of our voice. This is not so much about what we say but how we say it -- the delivery in the voice. So if the voice is dull, monotone, quiet and a bit uninteresting then people do not hook into our words quickly. They do not trust us quickly and therefore we do not have as much professional credibility. So non-verbal communication and the voice quality are key indicators and represent a huge percentage of that first impact. Get that right and people will hook into our words and our content much more quickly.

Critical five to seven seconds
The five to seven second period of making a first impression is critical. Research shows that in the next five seconds we can add another 50 percent to that first impression. Research is also showing that it takes another 20 further experiences with somebody to change a first impression. So in those first 15 seconds we have got key clues into how somebody operates, into their business approach, their attitude, their personality. So when we get to 30 seconds, we have really given enough time to make that impression subconsciously.

http://www.cnn.com/2004/TRAVEL/ADVISOR/11/25/bt.personal.branding.intv/index.html

This serves an important purpose. It saves us time and resources. If we're scanning hundreds of photos on a personals website, or dozens of faces in a bar, the first phase of being selective on such a scale is to bypass what our subconscious perceives as the riffraff. These girls with their glamour shots--they're desperate to avoid being skipped over. Add the Third World component, middle age, divorced, children in tow, mole on the nose--holy shiat, we're talking major desperation.

On that matter of age: I've grown to appreciate older women, as well, and would most definitely avoid anyone under 30 were I actively "in the hunt." One eventually hits a wall with these girlies--when their imaturity, shallowness and materialism becomes unbearable.

Then again, were I a lady, I wouldn't have wanted to date me when I was younger.  

[Ray]

Steve,

I think you’re putting way too much emphasis on the photos at this early stage. I usually advise others to try to ignore the photos as much as possible at first until you get to know each other. And I disagree with the conventional wisdom that says you must include your photo with your first contact. Baloney!

I realize that it’s perfectly natural for most people to concentrate primarily on that photo when making initial selections from a ‘catalog’ of whom to write to, but I think in actuality that photo becomes 95% of the selection criteria. I believe that it’s much easier to actually get to know someone’s character and persona if you don’t have a photo at first. It worked for me. My wife and I communicated for several months before we ever saw a photo of each other. Sure I was curious, but I was having too much fun just writing, e-mailing, chatting online, and talking on the phone. She finally mailed me a simple photo and I sent her one of my worst pics I could find that was fairly recent. The picture she sent me definitely wasn’t her best either.

I would say that probably 99% of folks send their very best picture at first when introducing themselves. That’s where those stupid glamour shots come in. After the first photo, it naturally follows that everything else has to be down hill, including what you will eventually see in person.

I always advise guys to pick an ugly one when deciding which girls to contact. By ugly I mean the ones with the slightly fuzzy or un-retouched natural photos where you can’t quite make out how she really looks. Be adventurous. Get to know each other a little first before you send her your photo, no matter how much she insists. Let her be a little intrigued and curious. Then when you do send your pic, don’t send the best you have, but something mediocre. If she likes your personality so far without seeing the pic, then you stand more of a chance than if she just quickly skipped over you at first because you weren’t among the best looking she has to choose from. Then she’ll be pleasantly surprised when you start sending more flattering shots of yourself.

Hell, you might as well have a little fun with this game instead of making everything so damn serious.

My advice for you is to forget about the photos for now and concentrate on finding out who this lady really is character wise. If she is somebody who otherwise fits your non-visual criteria, then be a little flexible in the looks department. Often times these women look way better up close and in person and the guys are pleasantly surprised when they finally meet. Bottom line… don’t put too much emphasis on the photos.

You said that looks was probably 40% of your criteria? That sounds reasonable to me, but why not get to know the other 60% first. It won’t cost you too much time investment if she does turn out to be butt ugly. But if she looked good in a 15-year-old photo, she will likely be very nice looking at 44. I firmly believe that most ladies in their early to mid-forties are just coming into full bloom, both sexually and in looks. My wife is 42 and she looks hotter every day!   

If you really must know what she really looks like now, have her get on a web cam chat at one of the Internet cafes.

Ray

[daytrader]

I dated several north american and latin women (that were in the usa) online before my 2006 trip to SA.  100% of the time, if there were ANY issues with recent photos (my rule #1), they were not a good prospect.  Rule #1 applies even more now, since over a billion people have cell phones, so a decent & recent photo with her, her & her mom etc. should be easy to get. 

My FIRSTHAND experience (5+ years) is that if she can't send multiple good photos that are recent-- and the all have the same hairstyle, age, body weight--- you will be spinning your wheels.

DayTrader

[flipflop]

I agree with Ray. The one photo of my wife on yahoo was of her at work in a dark hallway. All you could really tell was that she was an Asian woman. This forced me to focus on what I was really looking for, a wife and the mother of my children. When we finally started chatting on messenger I was able to see a whole new profile with several pictures and was more than pleasantly surprised.

[mw324]

Hello Ray,

Ever a man of reality reason. I like reading your post man, its reasonable. To add to the problem with quality photos from the Philippines. Not a lot of people can afford glamour photo, the truth is, most of the Pinays are better looking as you get to know them better. What I'm trying to say is I'd be wary of too much glamour shots. That really doesn't bring justice to once real beauty. For me example, I'm not photogenic but people calls me mestiza because of the generousity of my mother's Spanish-Chinese heritage. I'd be lucky to get a good photo every now and then. The best photos my husband saw of me prior to meeting each other are taken when a relative got a birthday party. Just so happen a cousin had an extra films she wants to finish and was kind enough to take pictures of me in our living room. Honestly, my family don't own any camera we can't afford one. Believe it or not that's coming from a mouth of a Pinay living in Manila all her life -- my family's in the lower income middle class type neighborhood, but I always felt were are just a little bit poorer than the rest of my friends. Anyways, that's beside the point I'm just saying sometimes the eyes can't see what's in someone heart by just looking at their photo. I believe one has to use their hearts and mind in making choices and decisions. And asking for God's direction will do even better.

If anybody knew me and what my husband has to go through. I could say, I could never have chosen the great guy. He is wonderful in every sense of the word, in that he has my every respect and adore.

[Ray]

           

Well spoken mw, and welcome to the forum.

You sound very happy in your marriage. Congratulations on finding a good guy!

Ray

[william3rd]

It was the same in Thailand for years. An out of focus photo was usually all there was unless you went out and took another one yourself. Glam shots were a serious danger sign. Same in Russia 10 years ago.

It is still the same in rural areas in Thailand for photos since they dont have the same amenities that we do and dont really want to waste money on things like cameras. (Cell phones are now necessities, however )

But- there is an Internet cafe with webcam in every village now so the lack of photographs are not a deal breaker. It all depends on how much you are willing to put into the relationship and how much you want to learn about someone.

[Tim]

I'll share some observations from my China watching.

I've seen that a majority of Chinese ladies seem to be using at least one glamour shot when they meet westerners online. Many of the glamour shots have them made up in the traditional Chinese dress, but not all. Some are just 'regular' glam shots, like you can see being made at your local mall stateside.

Personally, I'm not a big fan of the glamour shots. They don't give an accurate depiction of the person on a day-to-day basis. They can also be downright misleading...

I'll close with a true story. A guy joined my Yahoo group once and was so proud of his new Chinese fiancee that he shared a photo of her with us (he hadn't met her face-to-face yet). Sure enough, it was a glam shot of a very attractive lady. Luckily, we had some Chinese folks in our group who recognized the photo, and one of them quickly asked him if his fiancee was really that famous Tiawanese actress.      He replied, "actress? huh?"    It turned out he was being scammed by someone who had sent him a glam shot of this actress.   

So my advice is not to put too much stock in a glamour shot, at least not until you meet a person face-to-face.

This was a little off topic but I thought it was worth sharing.