More from Ada

[smsmsmsm]

Hi

Thanks for allowing me to stay here. My name is Ada Cheng. I am currently teaching in sociology department at DePaul University in Chicago. I have been teaching there for about five years. You can check out the soc department website: http://condor.depaul.edu/~soc/. After you get to the site, click on faculty and Ada Cheng. You will see my website and get a sense of who I am. I describe myself quite intimately on my website in terms of what my interests and hobbies are. I teach a wide variety of courses, such as introduction to sociology, sociology of women, sociology of sexuality, and immigrant experiences, etc.

My first book is actually on Filipino women, Filipina domestics more specifically. I focus on Taiwan, which is where I am from. I have been interested in the issue of mail order brides for a long time. It was not until recently that I have time to take it up. I guess we all know the stereotypes about men who use mail order brides sites. Of course there is also debate about whether mail order brides is the right term and how it is different from or similar to the online dating. For me, I am interested in understanding the men more intimately. What kind of stories do you have to tell? What is the reason you decide in crosscultural correspondance marriages? What experiences have you had? What are the risks involved? I try not to have preconceived notion about people here. What I am interested in is sincere conversation with people here and learning your thoughts. 

I hope this gives you a better sense of who I am. Look forward to hearing from you.

Ada

[drjoker69]

Ada,

You asked 3 questions;

1. What story do you have to tell?

I don't have any stories to tell... yet. I am researching, just like you. I am interested in finding a wife from overseas, but I am still researching how to go about doing this.

2. Why are you doing this?

Being Asian, you already know the answer.... The divorce rate in America is 50-60%. The divorce rate in Asia is about 25-30%. This includes Taiwan (where you're from). Would you ever invest in a business if you have an over 50% chance of failure?

There's no such thing as a "Mail Order Wife" because slavery is illegal and immoral. You cannot order a wife by mail. You cannot buy a wife. Besides, a wife is your partner in life. How can she be your partner if she is not your equal?

The stereotypes about guys who look for brides overseas by initiating contact by the internet, mail, or email through matchmakers and websites were created by women from the west who feel threatened by smart, young Asian women (such as yourself) who will treat guys better than them. However, we are different from other guys from the West. Some of us are older (30+) and have been burned by bad marriages with American women. We don't want to be burned again, so we seek something different, something better. Some of us live in small towns where the dating pool is limited. We just want to broaden our pool of potential Mrs Rights. Some of us have served in the millitary in Asia and had good experiences with Asian women. All of us are very adventurous and maybe even a bit eccentric since we are doing something that very few others in our American herd are doing. It takes real guts to do something that nobody else is doing.

3. What are the risks?

The risk is divorce, heartbreak, and financial loss. However, the probability of failure is much lower if one's spouse is Asian. To lower the risks, I have to prevent her from "Americanizing". So this is what I plan to do.... I will learn Vietnamese. I have already learned a little Mandarin and a little Cantonese. I will refuse to speak with her in English. I will get rid of my TV. I will introduce her to my older Vietnamese and Chinese friends. I will not buy her a car. I will help her find a hobby to occupy her time. Or perhaps I will help her find a job in a Vietnamese or Chinese business. I will learn about Vietnamese culture. I will not discuss money with her family. I will not discuss money with her before marriage. (Thanks, guys, for giving me these tips on this forum!)

I am actually thinking of going on a "wife finding tour" of Vietnam with Mr. Cupid: http://www.mr-cupid.com . However, I am still kinda skeptical because Mr. Cupid charges $13,000 Singaporean ($10,000 USD?). That's a big chunk of change. However, it does include the wedding, gifts of "red packets" of money to the parents, wedding photographer, videographer, hotel, all meals, limousine, tux, wedding dress, etc." Guys, think back to your first marriage, how much did the courtship, wedding, and honeymoon cost you? Then, how much did the divorce cost you? How much did she milk you for while you were married? Lots of very smart guys are very idioitc when it comes to love/sex (myself included!). Read this for a real eye-opener: http://www.costofsex.com/married_sex_cost.shtml . You see, guys see paying the big upfront cost of paying Mr. Cupid and immediately dub it "Mr. Stupid", but the real stupid guys are the ones who got duped into marriage with an American woman.

These same guys say that the chances of success will be nil since you've only met the girl for 6 days in Vietnam... how can there be love? Well, again love marriages are a Western product that doesn't work. America, the land of love marriages, has a 50-60% divorce rate. India, the land of arranged marriages, has a 5% divorce rate (one of the lowest in the world). Why? Because, as the ancient Romans said, "love is insanity". There is no logical reason for love. It is just hormones. What happens when the hormones wear off in a couple of years? The marriage ends, that's what. However, if you choose a mate based on logical factors such as compatibility/values and you have no premarital sex (no hormones), then you will marry a total stranger. However, you will grow to love her over time since you are compatible and have similar values. I plan on asking her questions without giving my answer first so I can get at the truth behind her personality and morals. I will bring an Israeli voice activated lie detector with me. I will also bring along a prenuptial agreement, too. Most of all, I will be honest. American MEN AND WOMEN are dishonest. Men always lie and tell the women that they are wealthier than they really are. They buy cars and homes that they cannot afford. They owe mountains of debt. American women always wear makeup to lie visually to a man. She also conceals her personality faults during courtship. As a result, Americans marry a mirage. I have an Indian classmate from school who had an arranged marriage. Her name is Asha. She told me that she showed up at her pre-marriage interview with her husband with no make-up on and discussed each others' faults openly and honestly. There is a sense of urgency to be honest because they only had 15 minutes to decide if they will choose to marry each other. They are not allowed to date before marriage. If they give the thumbs down, then their families will restart the search for a mate for them.

Hope this helps,
drjoker69.

References;
http://www.divorcereform.org/nonus.html
http://www.international-divorce.com/d-taiwan.htm

[doombug]

I will bring an Israeli voice activated lie detector with me.

I doubt the IMBRA enforcers would approve.

Still, you may be onto something...



"Truth maybe hurts, but what happens when lies hurt a lot more?

"Another thing i like about this shocking gadget is that you can’t escape the punishment or get only some of it, when you are questioned, you are strapped tight making sure your fingers are touching the sensors, so don’t even think about playing the smart guy.

"First ask three obviously true questions (name, birth date, etc..) so the machine regulates your readings, and after that you’re ready for the real questions; I think i’ll buy this one."

So will I!

This will make the selection process among all of those agency gals go so much more efficiently!

[drjoker69]

Good News,

Only 2 percent of marriages of Viet women to foreigners end in divorce:
http://www.pacificnews.org/jinn/stories/5.15/990730-brides.html

I think that article is a little harsh, though. I don't think those Viet girls were "sold" into slavery. As the article mentioned, she freely chose to marry the guy. Her father didn't force her. They seem to say that it's evil to use money as an inducement for marriage. How is that different than presenting a woman with a $15,000 diamond ring as an inducement for marriage?

Again, I think that these "slavery" and "human trafficking" stories that involve marriage are just fabrications of western women who feel threatened by more amiable foreign competition and Vietnamese guys that fear the same.

So, in reply to these naysayers, here's a positive article regarding marriage to foreign brides:
http://www.mr-cupid.com/Man%20who%20couldn't%20find%20girlfriend.pdf

Here is a pic of the happy couple:
http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/3060/944/1600/ST_3295805_01_01_2006_8.jpg

I got the pic off of some dude's blog after a google search with key words from the article:
http://commentarysingapore.blogspot.com/2006_01_01_commentarysingapore_archive.html

Merry Christmas,
Drjoker69.

[blockbuster]

 Nice story. The wife is very cute. The guy should really appreciate his wife more though and try to lose weight. i've never know a person that big who does'nt wheeze or snore or sweat a bit much which is not too attractive. But also health wise can be a huge problem in 10 years or less. He seems like a nice guy though,just toop accepting of his weight.

[doombug]

I got the pic off of some dude's blog after a google search with key words from the article:
http://commentarysingapore.blogspot.com/2006_01_01_commentarysingapore_archive.html

From the link above:

"We often hear evil, unpleasant things about the exploitative Singaporean men who buy themselves a poor young wife from Vietnam or Cambodia etc. This article paints a different kind of picture. Man is happy, woman is happy, so what is the problem? Things look good, don't they.

"I found it interesting to note that Ms Nguyen Thi Kum Ngan [the MOB profiled in the article] also has a sister who's married to a Singaporean. And that the two sisters often visit each other here in Singapore. I wonder whether we are witnessing another social phenomenon.

"Maybe the 'poor young wives from Vietnam and Cambodia' now have sufficient numbers in Singapore to start forming their mini-communities here. Perhaps they build a network to help their eager sisters and cousins in Vietnam and Cambodia come over and find Singaporean husbands too.

"Then in Singapore, they establish contact with each other and meet up to provide mutual friendship, support and company. You know, drink tea, chit chat, philosophise about the differences between life in this country and life in that other country. Like the expat wives in Singapore do."

Sound familiar, anyone?

"On a separate note, the blogger known as Expat-At-Large offers a commentary on the sex lives of FBOs (fat balding old men). Expat-At-Large speaks with great authority on the subject, heheh."

FOBs!

MOBs, IMBs, AWs, LBFMs, and now FBOs. It's taken long enough. We have finally been assigned a universal abbreviation.

[Ray]

MOBs, IMBs, AWs, LBFMs, and now FBOs. It's taken long enough. We have finally been assigned a universal abbreviation.

LOL!

Doom, I looked up FBO on Acronym Finder and it is already taken (17 matches) http://www.acronymfinder.com/af-query.asp?Acronym=FBO&Find=find&string=exact

Maybe that should be FBOM (Fat Balding Old Men). Nobody is using that one yet.

I kind of like that. We have A-Bombs, H-Bombs, and now F-BOMs...   

[drjoker69]

If you think that's cute, look at these pics;

http://www.mr-cupid.com/a32.jpg

http://www.mr-cupid.com/village-bride.jpg

[doombug]

F-BOMs...

Ah yes, much improved.

[Jeff S]

More power to the FBOs: