My Marriage to a Costena (latest report)

[Alabamaboy!]

You say it is only her that has changed. I see a dramatic difference in your attitude in the way you write. I don't read the same overblown certainty or lack of humility. Plus where has all the bravado gone? Could those changes possibly hint of a maturation?


Is it a case that you have outgrown your self centered attitude and taken some measure of responsibility? Seems like form you previous posts it was all about your rightness and her poor behavior. Maybe you took Father Times advice and did some introspection regarding your negligence in the relationship and tried harder???. Excellent advise by the way FT. I learned from it. Thanks.


I live by this credo: "if I am not the problem there is no solution" Yes that is an original.


It means that if I have not contributed negligence then I cannot repair or repay to correct my negligence within the situation I am part of. My self correction and doing what I can to right a wrong are all I can control. My only method of redemption. Even though you are probably to cocky to admit it, your posts smell as if you have made personal changes, I sense this by the way you write.


Your ego may be too large to have even realized your personal changes as of yet, however it would be a good illustration to us all, yours truly included, if you could tell us how your behavior, attitude or perspective have changed. Think about it, you could learn a lot about yourself as well. It is obvious by your writing that there have been personal changes. I'd bet the ranch on it...

I have made absolutely no changes at all. Unless you are referring to the fact that when I and my family are treated respectfully, I will reciprocate with even more respect, love, attention, etc. That is the truth. And that has happened. But I am naturally that kind of person. In this particular case, after all that had happened, her attitude and actions changed first 180 degrees , and only after that happened did the relationships with me and the kids get repaired and go smoothly. We were always there, ready to be a united family, but the problem was not with us. 

There may be some guys here who are so in awe of a pretty face that they are willing to put up with crazy things in the household and just be happy that they have a woman in their life, but I am not like that for sure. I am only interested in the relationship if everyone is happy and satisfied. If she, the kids, or myself are suffering and not happy, I see absolutely no reason to stay in a relationship like that.

Your credo does not make any sense to me at all. Unless you are childless, independently wealthy, and don't have any worries in life other than satisfying your own personal needs and desires.

I am not going to admit to being a problem when it is obvious to anyone who actually knows and sees me and my kids in action (and not just a guy from an anonymous forum reading my posts), and knows that I am a good father, provider, husband, and good guy in general. I treat everyone fairly and with respect no matter their situation in life, unless of course if they are doing harm to me or my family. Then all that goes out the window.

If anyone has a large ego around here it is you who somehow professes to know me, my life, and is calling me a liar that somehow I changed and accepted crazy behavior to patch things up with my wife. That is just total BS. If you knew me, you would know that there is 0% chance that is going to occur in my life.

If you wanted to bet your ranch I would love to somehow take you up on it, because I am hoping to somehow "semi-retire" in the next 5-6 years and your ranch might be a nice place to chill for awhile. Because for sure you are going to lose this bet. How do I know? Because I am the person who is actually in the relationship, here on planet earth and not some guy outs in Cyber thinking he knows me.

[Alabamaboy!]

Ok Bob, chose your weapon (verbiage) as you see fit. But isn't reaching down into his personal reserve as never before a personal change (new behavior) as I indicated? yeah it appears Bama went though hell with his relationship (so have I and I had more than my share of crap that I did to contribute to the fire storm) but from what I gather reading between the lines it take two to tango and i can't remember any self assignment of negligence on Bamas part. it was pretty much always her failing to meet his expectations, and what a great provider he has been. Which may be true. And if so, maybe he will take some personal responsibility for the design of the relationship that created fundamental dysfunction. Its a learning opportunity and if he does not wish to examine the design flaws I understand, but he and we will be a bit poorer without it. However I am sure we will all live to further our relationship errors ' hahahaha!


I have many years on this earth and in my experience negligence may not be equally mutual --- but it is almost always of a mutual nature in various percentages.... If that negligence was in the original design or execution, it is still negligence nonetheless. Just seeing if he will own up to his mistakes... The measure of a man.






Bama what say you?


Did you behavior change or did you extend undeserved favor (grace) by forgiving her transgressions?

My behavior did not change one iota. I did not even change my level of patience. I have an extraordinary amount of patience and have proven it throughout my life and is clearly illustrated with this relationship which is almost 4 years old now.

It was not a problem with my wife meeting my expectations, it was her not meeting society's minimal expectations of someone who is saying she wants to be a wife and mother. It was a problem with someone saying one thing, and doing (or not doing) what they said they will do.

I am not going to own up to any kind of great mistakes on my part, any more than a person who is at a bank making a deposit and gets gunned down in an armed robbery should have to own up to the "mistake" of being in that particular bank on that particular day. Nobody can predict with 100% certainty the future and how a person will act and react when in a certain situation. You can guess. You can hope. You can make decisions and actions to reduce the chances things will go badly, but you cannot prevent "life" from happening.

If I did make a mistake, I would readily admit it. I do admit to having a problem with patience, I have TOO MUCH patience. I have a tendency to think that things will get better in time, so I stick in there too long sometimes. For instance with some bad stock picks in the past. I can remember quepasa.com which was supposed to be a great dot-com bet which was backed by some big names like John Elway, Gloria Estefan, and some others. I stayed with it until it went completely down the tubes. I have done the same thing with a few employees that never got their [snip] together after hitting a bad patch and ultimately cost me a bit because I believed in them longer than I should have. And if this relationship would have gone down the toilet, I would have been the first one here admitting I stayed in the relationship too long, and was way too patient.

I give my wife 100% of the credit for the turnaround of things in the household. It had 0% to do with me and my kids. She is doing it all. The kids and I are doing exactly as we did before. And we all appreciate every little thing she is doing with us as part of the family....as we did ever since the beginning of this relationship. She is the person who should get "comeback player of the year" award, not me.

Your quotes, mottos, and credos don't mean anything man. The only thing that matters is how you live your life. And how you treat people and take care of your responsibilities. All your Dr. Phil stuff is just BS that people spout off to hear themselves talk.

[Alabamaboy!]

Good grief!!!
AB has laid out his personal life in much more detail than the vast majority would. Give the guy a friggin break!
I'm sure AB does not claim he is perfect.
Forgive me for saying so but quite frankly I am starting to wonder who would gain most from a little introspection.

Personally I am very pleased to read about the ups and downs of real married life. That is only going to happen if guys feel safe to share their most personal trials.

Elsewhere on the web, you would be forgiven for thinking that getting married was the same as living happily ever after. Whereas we all know that marraige is really just the begining of a whole new stage. At least here we have the opportunity to discuss real life and any ups and downs that may be unique to cross cultural marriages.

Exactly V, I don't have any problems at all telling of my mistakes and bad choices. I have done so freely here. I do it in person too. No problem. Especially here on the forum. This is an anonymous forum and I put the information here because it may help others who are getting involved in these relationships. It does no good for me or anyone to come here and tell lies or anything like that because it will not accomplish anything. Only a psycho would come to an anonymous forum to spout off lies to make himself look good to a bunch of other anonymous people he will never meet in his lifetime.

And anyway, if you were looking at a scorecard of my life, although there are plenty of mistakes and "L's" in the Win-Loss column, there are many, many more "W's". I have been pretty lucky in most of the important areas of my life.

[V_Man]

OK I see where you are comming from.

[aconcepts]

"Only a psycho would come to an anonymous forum to spout off lies to make himself look good to a bunch of other anonymous people he will never meet in his lifetime. "


interesting....

[benjio]

I have five god children. Even though I'm not Catholic I take that promise and the responsibilities associated with it very seriously. While one of my best friends' wives was pregnant with my god daughter, she was an absolute emotional wreck for the first few months. She would cry uncontrollably for hours some days while going through fits of irrational and violent rage during others. She would accuse my friend of cheating anytime he deviated from his normal daily routine or didn't answer his cell phone. She would threaten to have an abortion whenever he didn't "pay enough attention" to her. My friend had no idea what each day was going to be like when he woke up in the morning, but he looked forward to going to work just so he didn't have to deal with her. I know for a fact he's deeply in love with his wife. They've been together for 7 years and married for 3 of those. But I could tell his patience was wearing thin during this difficult time.
 
The absolute worse thing was when she got completely unbearable, he would attempt to leave and give her time alone to calm down. This made the situation ten times worse. When he left walking, she would follow him outside yelling at the top of her lungs until he was so embarrassed he had to return home. The one time he tried to leave driving, she hopped in her car, followed him, blowing the horn, blinking the lights, and yelling out the window until he returned. After the first trimester she calmed down a lot, and a couple of months before she actually had my god daughter she was actually back to normal. But I felt so sorry for him during those first few months.
 
The craziest thing is his wife is a completely rational, calm and patient person. She's actually one of the most tranquil people I've ever known. But my goodness gracious...it's amazing what a hormonal imbalance can do to a woman. A few months ago during my god daughter's first birthday party, we started reminiscing about her pregnancy, and I just had to ask. I told her, "You're a rational person that was well aware that your behavior was completely irrational. You made your husband miserable. You risked your marriage. At any time did you tell yourself, this is just hormones. I need to control myself and calm down!" I will never forget the analogy she used to try and make me understand. She told me, "I imagine it's similar to being schizophrenic. Those people see and hear things that aren't there because of mental imbalances. No matter how much you tell them those things don't exist, that is there reality. For me, anytime I went into fits of depression or rage, that was my reality at that moment. Thinking about how irrational the behavior was wouldn't have helped a bit. I would have still been seeing things that weren't there."
 
I've had girlfriends that would get horrible PMS. When I came back home from college in 2002 and my mother was going through menopause. I lived with my sister during her first pregnancy. But I never really understood any of their behaviors until my friend's wife explained what it was like.
 
With all that being said, I have very little patience for it. Although I now understand what's going on in their minds, I'm someone that believes that if a person is sane, they should have the ability to control their behavior, no matter how much their hormones are out of balance. Even some schizophrenics eventually realize they have a mental illness and begin to question each aspect of what they perceive as reality. Ever seen A Beautiful Mind?
 
Bama, I sincerely envy your level of patience and I congratulate your ability to forgive. I could not have continued to try and maintain a marriage after everything she did. ESPECIALLY the day she put your child's life in danger. I couldn't get the fact that she's capable of being that way out of my head. They tell women, "If a man hits you one time, you should leave him...because eventually he'll do it again and it will get worse." This is the same way I look at women that act this way. I've dated emotionally unstable women in the past and I've tried to make it work. These days I'll ditch them the first sign I see that they consistently act before thinking. IMHO this shows a huge lack of maturity.
 
I also think there is a double standard when dealing with things like this. We as men are expected to be tolerant of such behavior in our significant others. We're told, "Women are emotional creatures, so you have to understand when they behave emotionally." I think this is the same as saying, "Men are aggresive creatures, so when one hits a woman she should understand as well."
 
I'm definitely not saying you made the wrong decision. I'm very happy that everything is working out for you all. I can't help but think back to some of the women from my past that were a little crazy sometimes, and wonder if it would have worked out if I had your patience. But after everything you wrote about the things she was doing, I would have left her in Colombia after she returned. Even with her being pregnant. I completely understand if anyone disagrees with this...especially you married guys. Personally, I couldn't marry a woman like that though. And I know there are plenty out there that don't behave that way. If there are not, I guess I'm not fit for marriage after all.

[aconcepts]

I also think there is a double standard when dealing with things like this. We as men are expected to be tolerant of such behavior in our significant others. We're told, "Women are emotional creatures, so you have to understand when they behave emotionally." I think this is the same as saying, "Men are aggresive creatures, so when one hits a woman she should understand as well."


Exactly.


man I thought I was the only man that got that.


Women are free to abuse their emotional superiority but when a man abuses his physical superiority its off to jail in the "Developed Countries,


Not here in Costa Rica though, Women don't do as gringas. In the states if a man talked to me in the same way some women have spoken to me their would be a fist fight right then.


Here women know that most cops look the other way so they can't just disrespect men verbally like they do in the States. I love that about here.

[Bob_S]

Not here in Costa Rica though, Women don't do as gringas. In the states if a man talked to me in the same way some women have spoken to me their would be a fist fight right then.
Here women know that most cops look the other way so they can't just disrespect men verbally like they do in the States. I love that about here.

From my observations, the men who seem to best know how to handle white chicks have been Hispanic men.  They are raised in a culture where the male is not afraid to say, check that attitude, woman, or hit the highway.  They don't have a need to get physical.  I wish I had learned that in my early 20's.  It radiates an attractive confidence.

[braziliangirl]

Not here in Costa Rica though, Women don't do as gringas.

So... I wonder if hormones work in a different way in the States. Because I've never, ever seen any pregnant woman acting as irrational as Bama or Benjio described. Sure they change a bit, some get a lit bit annoying, but nothing as threaten a child's life or risk a marriage.

I wonder if they do that (I mean, don't even try to control themselves) just because they know men will put up with...

[fathertime]

From my observations, the men who seem to best know how to handle white chicks have been Hispanic men.  They are raised in a culture where the male is not afraid to say, check that attitude, woman, or hit the highway.  They don't have a need to get physical.  I wish I had learned that in my early 20's.  It radiates an attractive confidence.

I have to agree with BoobS here, physicality is not necessary (or appropriate) if a person is willing and able to put up his verbal dukes.  At least that has been my experience.    One thing I've noticed about white men (in general) is that they are more likely to have been conditioned to place a censor on themselves, which makes them a little more tentative...they are afraid to say things because they may feel the pressure of being politically incorrect...maybe that becomes a habit and it can hamstring them with a % of the ladies....I come from the school of thought that you just sometimes gotta pin your ears back and let the bullsheet fly! 


Fathertime!

[aconcepts]

Its screwed up over there. I voted with my feet and with my feats, which was escaping the bondage of political correctness 20 years ago. Goodbye woman's world!!! jajajaja - hello life!


A man must live!


That's how I found freedom in an unfree world (US).


The land of freedom, yeah right. Financial slaves to the wife and government, and honey do list boys...


I couldn't even find a friend whose wife would let him go out alone on a Friday night for a beer.... You have to send a written invitation by snail mail to have some mens laughs with your friends,,,


Now on the other hand I saw women's night out often... Ka what the frick??? Can you guys do something about that up there? Start a revolution, form a national organization of men and get some women lawyers to represent you! hahahahah....


Bring back the Edgar G Robinson bitch slap or something... Anything. I feel so sorry for men when I go back to visit that its actually painful. So I don't go back if I can avoid it.


My friends wives hate me. With good reason cause they know I know they are slave masters. Oppressors...


Man if you guys could only see outside the box. That is why when you guys finally do come down here you go wild like uncaged animals... Throwing money around like drunk sailors getting revenge on the misses with every conquest. I have seen guys spend three days in a hotel grabing women by the fistfuls. Hahahaha... they look half dead, but very satisfied...


Funny when you know sex is available its not such a big thing. But the sexually starved arrive here and they gorge themselves.


That is another thing about the states. Women don't like sex there. Whats up with that? They don't dress sexy. They don't act feminine. Have they just forgotten..... or have they just forgotten they are women. remind them. boycott. From what I understand most guys aren't getting laid anyways so what have you got to lose?

[Alabamaboy!]

I have five god children. Even though I'm not Catholic I take that promise and the responsibilities associated with it very seriously. While one of my best friends' wives was pregnant with my god daughter, she was an absolute emotional wreck for the first few months. She would cry uncontrollably for hours some days while going through fits of irrational and violent rage during others. She would accuse my friend of cheating anytime he deviated from his normal daily routine or didn't answer his cell phone. She would threaten to have an abortion whenever he didn't "pay enough attention" to her. My friend had no idea what each day was going to be like when he woke up in the morning, but he looked forward to going to work just so he didn't have to deal with her. I know for a fact he's deeply in love with his wife. They've been together for 7 years and married for 3 of those. But I could tell his patience was wearing thin during this difficult time.
 
The absolute worse thing was when she got completely unbearable, he would attempt to leave and give her time alone to calm down. This made the situation ten times worse. When he left walking, she would follow him outside yelling at the top of her lungs until he was so embarrassed he had to return home. The one time he tried to leave driving, she hopped in her car, followed him, blowing the horn, blinking the lights, and yelling out the window until he returned. After the first trimester she calmed down a lot, and a couple of months before she actually had my god daughter she was actually back to normal. But I felt so sorry for him during those first few months.
 
The craziest thing is his wife is a completely rational, calm and patient person. She's actually one of the most tranquil people I've ever known. But my goodness gracious...it's amazing what a hormonal imbalance can do to a woman. A few months ago during my god daughter's first birthday party, we started reminiscing about her pregnancy, and I just had to ask. I told her, "You're a rational person that was well aware that your behavior was completely irrational. You made your husband miserable. You risked your marriage. At any time did you tell yourself, this is just hormones. I need to control myself and calm down!" I will never forget the analogy she used to try and make me understand. She told me, "I imagine it's similar to being schizophrenic. Those people see and hear things that aren't there because of mental imbalances. No matter how much you tell them those things don't exist, that is there reality. For me, anytime I went into fits of depression or rage, that was my reality at that moment. Thinking about how irrational the behavior was wouldn't have helped a bit. I would have still been seeing things that weren't there."
 
I've had girlfriends that would get horrible PMS. When I came back home from college in 2002 and my mother was going through menopause. I lived with my sister during her first pregnancy. But I never really understood any of their behaviors until my friend's wife explained what it was like.
 
With all that being said, I have very little patience for it. Although I now understand what's going on in their minds, I'm someone that believes that if a person is sane, they should have the ability to control their behavior, no matter how much their hormones are out of balance. Even some schizophrenics eventually realize they have a mental illness and begin to question each aspect of what they perceive as reality. Ever seen A Beautiful Mind?
 
Bama, I sincerely envy your level of patience and I congratulate your ability to forgive. I could not have continued to try and maintain a marriage after everything she did. ESPECIALLY the day she put your child's life in danger. I couldn't get the fact that she's capable of being that way out of my head. They tell women, "If a man hits you one time, you should leave him...because eventually he'll do it again and it will get worse." This is the same way I look at women that act this way. I've dated emotionally unstable women in the past and I've tried to make it work. These days I'll ditch them the first sign I see that they consistently act before thinking. IMHO this shows a huge lack of maturity.
 
I also think there is a double standard when dealing with things like this. We as men are expected to be tolerant of such behavior in our significant others. We're told, "Women are emotional creatures, so you have to understand when they behave emotionally." I think this is the same as saying, "Men are aggresive creatures, so when one hits a woman she should understand as well."
 
I'm definitely not saying you made the wrong decision. I'm very happy that everything is working out for you all. I can't help but think back to some of the women from my past that were a little crazy sometimes, and wonder if it would have worked out if I had your patience. But after everything you wrote about the things she was doing, I would have left her in Colombia after she returned. Even with her being pregnant. I completely understand if anyone disagrees with this...especially you married guys. Personally, I couldn't marry a woman like that though. And I know there are plenty out there that don't behave that way. If there are not, I guess I'm not fit for marriage after all.

Benjio as I sit right now writing this, my daughter is happily snuggled up with my wife on the bed with a big contented smile on her face. The biggest reasons I tried again with my wife are: that the episode was way out of character for her, the kids wanted us all to be together again, and that I had already seen her capability to be a good person, motherly type, wife in the past. So I was hoping this was all just a temporary thing.

The alternatives would be starting again with another woman who I have been through a more than a few, and not many would be a good fit. Or continue my life as a juggler where I am faced with the impossible task of handling a busy corporation, clients, kids, house, and leaving my kids more time with their biological mother who had already proven herself to be bad....remember the near drowning accident at her house where the kid now has irreversible brain damage? I thought it was worth another try.

[Alabamaboy!]

From my observations, the men who seem to best know how to handle white chicks have been Hispanic men.  They are raised in a culture where the male is not afraid to say, check that attitude, woman, or hit the highway.  They don't have a need to get physical.  I wish I had learned that in my early 20's.  It radiates an attractive confidence.

Exactly the way I operate. No need to get physical.

[Alabamaboy!]

So... I wonder if hormones work in a different way in the States. Because I've never, ever seen any pregnant woman acting as irrational as Bama or Benjio described. Sure they change a bit, some get a lit bit annoying, but nothing as threaten a child's life or risk a marriage.

I wonder if they do that (I mean, don't even try to control themselves) just because they know men will put up with...

I was explaining to one of my old clients why my wife was not around anymore at that time, without going into details of the severity of things. And he volunteered to tell me that his daughter in law had the same thing where she had to be hospitalized for a short period for observation and was put on a short course of strong tranquilizers to control her while in the first trimester. Then she came out of it perfectly fine and is the best mom and wife in the world right now (according to him). So I guess it happens.

[Fuzzyone]

From my observations, the men who seem to best know how to handle white chicks have been Hispanic men.  They are raised in a culture where the male is not afraid to say, check that attitude, woman, or hit the highway.  They don't have a need to get physical.  I wish I had learned that in my early 20's.  It radiates an attractive confidence.

  One thing I have to beg different is Hispanic men are not afraid to put their hands on their better half. I never put my hands on my 1st wife but when she remarried a cuban man and started talking to him like she talked to me she ended up getting the slap down of the year. It was pretty strange to see my ex after that jumping when he needed something. My ex's brothers told me it was what she deserved because she always talked out her mouth the wrong way and I should have done that. The only problem I had was I was brought up that a man was a coward if he had to hit his wife so I never hit her I just showed her the door after I got tired of her crap.

[benjio]

  One thing I have to beg different is Hispanic men are not afraid to put their hands on their better half. I never put my hands on my 1st wife but when she remarried a cuban man and started talking to him like she talked to me she ended up getting the slap down of the year. It was pretty strange to see my ex after that jumping when he needed something. My ex's brothers told me it was what she deserved because she always talked out her mouth the wrong way and I should have done that. The only problem I had was I was brought up that a man was a coward if he had to hit his wife so I never hit her I just showed her the door after I got tired of her crap.

My experience in Latin America is the same. I'm definitely not promoting or condoning spousal abuse of any form, nor was I trying to in any of my earlier post within this thread. But I have seen men knock their women around on several occasions SOTB, and everyone just kind of turned a blind eye. On one such occasion in Barranquilla, the police were called after a drunk husband beat his wife until she was nearly unconscious. I was sure he was going to jail when they arrived a couple of hours later; but after speaking with him for about thirty minutes and seeing his wife was still alive, they just asked him to keep it quiet and left.

[aconcepts]

I don't ever hit a woman.... First, that is. 


There was only one woman in my life that threw something at me point blank from 4 feet and left unscathed,


Every other woman that slapped me was slapped back immediately.


Its a free pass. The slap back.


And when it comes to the law and women, its about the only free pass issued.