The perfect, the good and the totally wrong

[braziliangirl]

For me this means that she thinks of us as part of her extended inner circle and was reaching out to us for something other than, pity, sympathy, or criticism.

You are right. And that's how I feel it should be with everyone. Why care how many times someone was married? Or how many coffees someone is taking? 

[pat]

I think InSanDiego over reacted. He was only offering his honest opinion and it rubbed some the wrong way. This happens when you are honest with someone so maybe he should have expected to get some wrath and been ready to apologize and just move on. While it is good to claim all points of view are accepted this isn't always the case. Then it is best to just apologize to keep the peace and drop it instead of getting upset about it.

[dennislevy]

Dan

Since you have chosen to post publicly......anbd you acknowledged that the purpos eof your post was to ocmment onmor ethen In San Diego,

allow me to be heard and in a respectful way.

[deleted]

OK; i ve said what I wanted to say.

thank you
Dennis   

[Dan]

Dan

Since you have chosen to post publicly......anbd you acknowledged that the purpos eof your post was to ocmment onmor ethen In San Diego,

allow me to be heard and in a respectful way.

[deleted]

OK; i ve said what I wanted to say.

thank you
Dennis

>>allow me to be heard and in a respectful way.<<

Nope - there was nothing whatsoever in your post that was "respectful" in any way, hence, I deleted it without bothering to read it. The issues you insist on bringing up do not matter. No one cares - least of all, me.

Now - do you have so little regard for your fellow members that you care nothing about derailing THEIR topic? Or is it that you are so self-absorbed this thought never occurred to you?

The next time you pollute this site with the sort of inconsequential tripe you posted tonight will result in your account being placed in Moderated status.

- Dan

[Fuzzyone]

Being a woman in a machista culture, I think I sometimes lose the sense of what is good and what is just common regarding a romantic relationship. Maybe I got so used to being mistreated, that is hard to know what is healthy. Plus, I have listened so many times that I am too picky, that I may have ended up believing.

I have been talking to this man since November 2010 (11 months now). He came to visit me in the end of August. Everything has been great except for some things I would like to share with you. Perhaps for you to help me know if this is really right, but more likely because I already know the answer and just need some strength to put an end to it.

It all started in the very beginning. We had very nice conversations about music, feelings, dreams, politics, but I had a hard time getting any detail about him. His name, his work, a picture… Any detail about his real life was a touchy issue. When I asked him why, he said it was because of all those horror stories he heard about people meeting online.

I talked to someone I know from this forum, and he said “He’s got a woman.” I didn’t take it seriously by that time. But, I am curious girl, and while he was hold information from he, I was researching.  And I found out he was in a forum too. And reading his posts, I found out he was ready to break up with someone. I thought it was with me. Silly me…

It was February… I confronted him and he told me the “real” story. He had a girlfriend who had just lost her mother and was threatening to suicide. To me it was not a good excuse to not break up. He asked me to not end what we had. I said he needed to solve that, not because of me, but because of himself.

Two weeks later he writes me telling he had broken up with her. I was missing him terribly, so I decided to talk to him. To cut it short, he said he was sorry and I decided to forgive. We went on talking daily and we had a lot of fun. But he was still super secretive. By then, I had some pictures. But no last time, no phone, nothing more.

One day I get a phone call to my work place. “There is a gringo on the line for you.” I work on an international organization, so I was not so surprised it was a gringo. I just got surprised when I answered and learned that it was he. I was mostly happy, but a little creeped and a little upset because I did not know anything about him and he had my work phone. But, I had spied on him before, so…

Things went on nicely, just with little discussions here and there because of his secretiveness. In my urge to see what was really behind that, I started hinting that I could visit him. I regretted it later, because I realized it was important to me that he made the first visit.

He made the visit. It was just four days, which was really weird to me. He said he had just a few days of vacations, Brazil was expensive, and the last time he travelled internationally was a long time ago, so he wanted to take it slow. Still, he left on a Friday, so he could have stayed at least one more day, but… The visit went great. I especially liked the way he appreciated my city, the food, the culture, the places.

After that, some problems have risen. Like… He applied for grad school and I was happy about that, but I already thought he had a lot of things going on in his life. A demanding job, church work, playing in a band… And now grad school. All great things to be involved. But can you really keep a long distance relationship with all this going on? Can you really search for a wife with all this going on? Better, is finding a wife really a priority with all this going on?

I tried to talk to him about it, but I felt like I was being bratty, demanding, wanting to be number one in his life, while what I really wanted to know was if there was room for me. This guy talks to me every day, but he never said I am his girlfriend. Not even after visiting. He doesn’t even refers to what we have as a relationship. If I question him about it, he talks about the amount of time he spends talking to me every night. I guess it’s fair.

When we have discussions, he just ignores me. Today we had a misunderstanding because of cultural issues and I apologized. He was mad and said he would talk to me later. It was 5h ago. We had a movie date and we were going to discuss the details about the visit I am planning to make in November tonight. He vanished.

It is weird because the thing I liked about him in the beginning was that he said good communication was key to him. I agree and I try my best to communicate well with everyone that surrounds me. Work, family, friends…

 

Maybe what I want is from you guys is to help me believe there is someone out there that will treat me right. Not in condescending way, but in a loving way. Because deep inside, the question that every man asks himself and that most people say there is no answer to (what a woman wants?) has a very easy answer (every woman wants to be loved).

   I think one thing that is important is that you are number #1 in his life. If you cannot be then I would move on. It is like shooting dice sometimes you win and sometimes you get snake eyes. My wife had a man come visit her several years before I met her and it did not work out at all for her. He pretty much thought of himself and that was it. When he left Colombia that one died on the vine.


   I know it must have hurt you a lot but it is better this happened now then when you came here and had no where to go. Good Luck

[InnocentVixen]

It sounds great in theory and I guarantee you I tried. But I honestly don't know how to spend so much time talking to an interesting man without getting involved.

I know how this is, I keep reminding myself to do just that... until someone interesting comes along and I can't help to give my whole attention to him, even when I am holding back because we haven't met, I might try to go slow and keep my options open, but what good is to have my options open if that someone has my whole attention? I guess we are just not good at multitasking when it comes to men BG, which in the long run might be for the best, whoever ends up with us will never have a good reason to feel ignored or jealous

Some of my friends are using badoo, parperfeito and livemocha. Even though the latter is not a dating site, there's a lot of flirting going on there.

When gato posted about livemocha I remember thinking it had potential to meet people, having interest in languages would already be something we have in common! I am really trying to avoid dating sites, I figured I would check craigslist every once in a while until I decided what to do... when I dared to take a look I felt it was too soon for me but I forced myself to at least read and see what's "out there" even if I thought nobody would get me curious even because of how I was feeling, but guess what? there was.


Have you thought what are you going to do and when? if you are like me, if you wait until you are comfortable it will take too long, it doesn't mean you are desperate if you make an extra effort to rush the mourning process a little, baby steps are better than sitting around being depressed, would you try dating sites again? or would you like to try something different?

[Bob_S]

Maybe I missed something.

Yes, you may have missed it.  Dennis, who I got no problem with personally, went off on a long rambling skewed tangent about how some folks here were picking on him, spreading rumors, and how Dan was not diligent enough in cleaning house sooner.  As a separate topic in the Flame Room, it might have survived, but it was unnecessary and distracting in BG's thread.  So Dan deleted most of it.

If nobody minds terribly, in a couple hours, after lunch, I'll purge some of the very off-topic posts here.  Let it get back on a more productive track.

--------------------------

Okay, I've taken off some of the latest posts regarding Dennis' spat with Dan, leaving only those directly between those two.  If Dan feels that those left are non-value added for the forum, he's of course well within his authority to delete those as well.

--------------------------
 
Back on topic...
So, Braziliangirl, since you're back on the market, does that mean you'll be planning a trip up to one of those mega-church single mixers with IV soon?   

[fathertime]

   I think one thing that is important is that you are number #1 in his life. If you cannot be then I would move on. It is like shooting dice sometimes you win and sometimes you get snake eyes. My wife had a man come visit her several years before I met her and it did not work out at all for her. He pretty much thought of himself and that was it. When he left Colombia that one died on the vine.


   I know it must have hurt you a lot but it is better this happened now then when you came here and had no where to go. Good Luck

I agree with what Fuzzy says here.  I had a hell of a lot going on in my life when I met my Barranquillian wife, but I pretty much made her a very important priority, ONCE I decided that I was going to take a serious run at her.  If a man isn't willing to do that, he is just not ready or motivated enough, IMO!


Fathertime! 

[Fuzzyone]

  B.G.


    Something to always put in perceptive a lot of men only go south to have a vacation and that is it. They never intend on getting married and always have a excuse... ie she has warts, she wanted me to pay to much attention on her ect ect. It really comes down to luck both for us guys and woman.  I would say you are very lucky he acted the way he did now because further down the road you would have wasted a lot of time on a loser who was not prepared to make you his soul mate.

[dennislevy]

BG


hang in there, things WILL get better....

Bob S

thank you for getting involved I greatly appreciated it

Damas y caballeros 


¡vayan con Dios!


hasta luego!

[Brazilophile]

BrazilianGirl,

You wrote in a post below that you live in the middle of the Amazon and your city has only one international flight to Suriname.  May I ask what city you live in?

I had first thought Manaus, but it has international flights to Miami.  I have taken one.  On a trip to Fortaleza, the Miami departure first landed in Manuas.  Then there were short flights to Santarem, Belem, and Sao Luis.  Do you live in one of those cities.  The city closest to Suriname seems to be Amapa, however, I thought that was a smallish city without any international flights.

It is difficult and expensive for anyone outside of South America to get to Brazil.  The high price of jet fuel makes flights from North America and Europe very expensive.  Then Brazil has its visa requirements for Americans and fingerprint and photo procedure at immigration.  (Though they didn't do that to me on my trip last year.)  Still, the beaches, the food, the music, and the love and attention of a beautiful, sexy woman make jumping over all those hurdles worthwhile!

I am sure that another good man will come along soon, especially when the economy picks up.   There are a lot of men here who need to get away from the women here! (Half joking.)

[braziliangirl]

BrazilianGirl,

You wrote in a post below that you live in the middle of the Amazon and your city has only one international flight to Suriname.  May I ask what city you live in?

I had first thought Manaus, but it has international flights to Miami.  I have taken one.  On a trip to Fortaleza, the Miami departure first landed in Manuas.  Then there were short flights to Santarem, Belem, and Sao Luis.  Do you live in one of those cities.  The city closest to Suriname seems to be Amapa, however, I thought that was a smallish city without any international flights.

It is difficult and expensive for anyone outside of South America to get to Brazil.  The high price of jet fuel makes flights from North America and Europe very expensive.  Then Brazil has its visa requirements for Americans and fingerprint and photo procedure at immigration.  (Though they didn't do that to me on my trip last year.)  Still, the beaches, the food, the music, and the love and attention of a beautiful, sexy woman make jumping over all those hurdles worthwhile!

I am sure that another good man will come along soon, especially when the economy picks up.   There are a lot of men here who need to get away from the women here! (Half joking.)

It's Belém. A wonderful city. The river, the culture, the people, the architecture, the parks, the food, of the food. I'm used to host and show around many people because of my job, and everyone falls in love. About women... I'm sure here would be a good market for an agency. Everyone feels like there are 10 women for each man. And the girls usually look a lot better than the guys. Plus machismo in the North is far worse than in the South.

The Paramaribo flight is the only non-stop one. I got this flight that goes through Manaus to Miami twice. It used to be cheap, but now it's cheaper to connect at Brasilia, São Paulo or Rio. Plus domestic tickets in the USA are not cheap anymore...

I'm impressed by your knowledge of our geography! You know about it even more than some Brazilians. That's nice.

So, you see? The guy was not that bad. He went through the visa hassle and everything. That's what confused me.

[opusone]

I am sure that another good man will come along soon, especially when the economy picks up.   There are a lot of men here who need to get away from the women here! (Half joking.)

Mmmhmmmmmmmm......... what do we have here?

[pablito]

IV knows me and she was right when she said I wasn’t looking for a "pobresita" treatment. I am a cancer survivor, for God’s sake. It was not the poor me attitude that helped me with that. (By the way, 5 years in remission, about to be discharged! \o/)

Hey BG, then you and I have something in common, four years for me now, keep on truckin'! 

As IV said, I wouldn’t’ wait this long if he wasn’t special in other ways. He talked to me every single night during those 11 months. We went over more than a thousand questions during the first months. We have had deep, spiritual conversations and he was a very good supporter.  He would listen to me with care. He would check on me during the day. We shared the same faith, in many nights I was hopeless about something, like my promotion process that took almost an year, and he would literally preach to my heart.

It sounds great in theory and I guarantee you I tried. But I honestly don't know how to spend so much time talking to an interesting man without getting involved. Maybe it's a woman thing. Or maybe it's just immature or dumb. I hope I don't sound desperate, because I'm not. As IV said, I have a good life here and I'm not looking for someone to rescue me.

I know how this is, I keep reminding myself to do just that... until someone interesting comes along and I can't help to give my whole attention to him, even when I am holding back because we haven't met, I might try to go slow and keep my options open, but what good is to have my options open if that someone has my whole attention? I guess we are just not good at multitasking when it comes to men BG, which in the long run might be for the best, whoever ends up with us will never have a good reason to feel ignored or jealous  

If I may, I would like to ask you both for advice for my current on-line relationship.  As I mentioned previously my tica and I Skype for some 2-4 hours a night every night and get along famously, and I've already got my tickets to go see her in January.  Much like has happened to both you and IV, she must have found me interesting because it is obvious even to a dullard like me that she is very involved with me and I have her full attention.  And even though I also tried not to get too emotionally invested in someone I've yet to meet, I pretty much feel the same way about her.  So it's not just a woman thing, or immature or dumb.  Well, at least not on her end, she is neither immature (she's 40 and quite mature and content) nor dumb, nor does she need rescuing at all.  I may make more money, but given differences in cost of living, weather (I'm in Canada, brrr), etc., she's probably doing as well if not better than me, relatively speaking.


Now January is only a few months away, much fewer than your 11 months BG, but it can sure feel like an awfully long time to both of us, and perhaps you and IV can help me to make sure to keep things going on an even keel.  It seems to be affecting her a bit more, and there are probably cultural reasons as well as long-distance ones.  For example, she and I both are very secure that things will go well when we meet, we have grown very comfortable and trusting with each other.  I still don't want to assume that or take that for granted, because things could happen when you meet and if you do start taking things for granted that's not good for a relationship. 


Which brings me to the subject where I would like some female advice, because my thick male brain is not helping me out so much.  It is becoming a bit tempting to start to think about what happens after the visit, even for me, and the other night she alluded to something which made me realize that she's already thinking about that.  Now I can understand this, as fuzzyone mentioned there are indeed lots of guys who are only going down for the vacation, if she's worried about that it's perfectly justifiable.  But I don't think it's wise to get too far ahead of ourselves, as this would mean pretty much taking for granted the next few months of long-distance relationship and that the visit will go well, and as I mentioned taking these things for granted is probably the most likely way to have things start going badly.  On the other hand I want her to feel secure, to know that I am doing my part on the long-distance relationship, and that I view the visit as the first step, not just a vacation.  I find it difficult to balance not planning too far ahead and making a lot of assumptions about how things will go, but making sure she feels secure and supported.  Maybe I worry too much, but I just want to make sure that things don't go wrong for lack of patience, or because I'm not responding to her signals appropriately or am missing them altogether.

[pablito]

double-post, sorry

[InnocentVixen]

Pablito, you are meeting her in January for the first time is this correct?


When I just started my search I used to get a bit too excited when I found someone interesting and would get ahead of myself, with time and experience I now still can get a bit excited but I am in much better control because I realized before meeting is nothing but chat, might be a really nice chat, but even if he swears to visit I give the benefit of doubt until he is standing in front of me, saves me a lot of energy, because even if he shows up and there is no chemistry I don't end up disappointed.


If you have already met in person however, this is what is hard for me and I would guess that for any lady as well... if the guy turned out as great as I thought he was, kept his word, we got along, there was chemistry and everything feels right then it's then when I allow my emotions go a little crazy because it means I fell for the guy and when he leaves of course I miss being around him and talking in person even if we stay in touch on regular basis, I am bad with goodbyes, I'm addicted to affection... and if he is the man I chose then he is my source of affection per se, so it's like "going cold turkey" after a while, to make matters worse I am very affectionate myself but that is directed to him and if he is not around I have no outlet for this emotions and it's extremely frustrating.


If you compare my situation to BG's, you will notice in both cases this happened after we met the guy in person and pretty much realized it was something worth pursuing, it was in the plan for the second visit when they started to delay things, in both cases it was going to be the girl this time who would visit the guy... in both cases the guy did not have his life in order back home for one reason or another, so imagine if we didn't have the option to visit? of course a woman will worry it will be just one visit and be done with it, or worse, a few visit wasting months, even years of her life getting her hopes up for nothing. As for me I trusted him blindly and did not doubt him until he stopped being able to give a clear answer to my questions, this was never a problem at first.


The only thing I can think of so your lady feels a bit more at ease, is to be as open with her as you can and answer her questions truthfully, if there is something you don't have an answer to don't guess it because she will take your word for it, if you don't know the answer don't ignore her question, but go out there and find out... for example what date will she see you again... and if this question is done before meeting you for the first time then you will have to be strong and pull her down from her cloud, reminding her that you are not a psychic and you have to see how you get along first.

[pablito]

Hi IV,


thanks for the reply, yes we have not yet met, and won't be meeting until January.  My main concern until then is not getting ahead of ourselves because we do get along very well, without having her feel like I'm pulling back. 


As to your advice, I believe that the biggest reason why things have gone so well is that we have both been truthful and honest with each other, and almost always been very pleasantly surprised by each other's answers, and I very much intend to keep this up.  There have been a great number of times where one or the other of us have gone you've got to be kidding me, you too, you're the first woman/man I've known in my 40 years I've had that in common with.  I mean for crying out loud, how many people these days, never mind Latinas, not only know what Ivanhoe is, but have a copy of Ivanhoe that they can reach for to show you, without having to leave your view in their webcam?