What's Mine Is Mine - What's Yours Is Mine!

[z_k_g]

Getting all out of joint about a word (either way) is interesting party banter, but has nothing to do with real life. Part of dating before you get married is figuring out if you're each compatible with the other, and that's pretty much about divvying up who gets to take the lead in which situation. Trust me there are enough things that neither will want, but someone has to pick up the slack. The problem arises when it turns into a power struggle - so it's wise to spend some time before you get married, figuring out these details.

Jeff, I think that using some type of hard "template" for gender roles is pretty stupid and doomed for marital failure.  

Two people who are married should work together in any way that utilizes the best of their skills and maximizes the benefit to the family unit.

I do strongly feel, that once a wife submits to her husband in marriage, a cermony of submission, then she has accepted him as the leader and the "decider and final decision maker", even if he is washing clothes and keeping the kids.

I will say that I think some gender roles are important.  I don't agree with women soldiers (cutting throats blowing bodies apart in combat) and I don't think that a man should be keeping and nurturing children when they are very very young (suckling a new born).  In certain contexts, men and women just are not equal.

Zulu

[Lyanna]

Jeff S,

That is pretty much the Filipino way, too.

Zulu,

I kinda get it, I think.

Thank you both for the replies.

P.S. Does the forum have a section for success/failure stories? Or is this the section for that? I am reading the past threads.

[Jeff S]

No, so separate success/failures section, but we'd love to hear your story. Feel free to start a new thread and I'm sure we'll all pitch in with our viewpoints, and they might be far more varied than you imagine.

- Jeff

[Dave H]

I never really think about who is dominant or submissive. Like Jeff and his wife, we  both have our strengths and weaknesses, likes and dislikes. There is no elaborate thought process or discussions that go into it. We just step up and do what needs to be done in our areas of preference. Which now is very routine. We don't really have an area where both strongly dislike doing something. We don't have a higher authority or society defining our roles. We don't have a written contract or doctrine which defines each person's role. I guess we are fortunate that we compliment each other very well!

I actually like to dump the garbage and get it out of the house and off the property. I take it by vehicle to the dump site every day. I think that I may be a rare breed. I am not sure whose role (male or female) it is to dump the garbage once it is outside of the house. Most of the Filipinos around me seem to let it pile up, then burn it (more like smoke it) which is illegal or hire boys on pedal tricycles to clean up the mess and haul it away. I guess I just don't like living with rats! I have close to 30 kills!

Dave



I need to get those "kill marks" for my truck!  

[Dave H]

Yes, women in the Philippines control the family's money.

Hey Lyanna,

I can think of many good reasons for that! Not the least of which is that many Filipinas are much better at using money more wisely than most men...me included!  I know that money in my wife's hand or her mother's, is money well spent!

There is a reason why Filipino men call their wives "Kumander" or commander! Lol... because she controls so many decisions

"Kumander" Hmmm...I will have to call her that tomorrow. If I don't post in a few days...you will know that the hospital doesn't have a WiFi Hotspot! 

Seriously, my wife may (OK, IS) actually be in control...but she never tells me or lets me realize it.  Smart woman!

Dave

[Ray]

Kumusta po kayo Lyanna? Saan ka nakatira?

On the “submissive” thing, I think the origin is probably more biblical than a Western one. There are many societies on the planet that consider it a woman’s role to be literally submissive/obedient to her husband, but probably more so in third-world countries and in stricter religious societies.

There are many interpretations of “submissive” in describing family gender roles, so I personally do not use the term, mostly because it causes too much confusion and division.

From my personal experiences with many Filipino families, I have found that the husband’s unquestioned authority over the wife is mostly a myth. In public, and in front of friends and family members, it ‘seems’ that is how it works. But in actuality, the wife is just as likely to make most of the decisions and her husband had better follow.

I have also observed that in “most” traditional Filipino families, the wife does indeed control the family money. I have known dozens of Filipinos who are required to turn over their pay check to their wife and she in turn gives him an allowance for discretionary pocket money. However, with the advent of direct deposits of payroll, and other modern financial workings, that custom has become somewhat old-fashioned, at least among Filipino families here in the States.

Your knowledge and opinions of Filipino culture are most welcome and needed here, so please don’t hesitate to jump right in and share your views.

One word of caution: If you use the term “traditional” to describe Filipinas, you may get an earful of nonsense from at least one Filipina member here, if she is still around…   

Welcome to the forum!

Ray

[Jeff S]

Yep Dave. The man may be the head, but the woman is the neck:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YIm1dYTv-mQ

[Jhengsman]

To me the entire guidebook and now wiki look at Filipino culture has proven to be a myth. But then my experience is Manila where half of the women I know since 1970 have been pregnant or already a mother when they married. And the other Filipinos I know have been brides of servicemen from the Vietnam era up to before the bases closed. And although I was almost a child when they closed it seemed to me the only reason to push for closing on the Filipino side was to keep the women away from GIs.

[Dave H]

"Kumander" Hmmm...I will have to call her that tomorrow. If I don't post in a few days...you will know that the hospital doesn't have a WiFi Hotspot! 

Amazing...I am still alive! Try that with an AW! I called my wife "Kumander"  this morning. She just smiled. I asked her why it didn't upset her. She said that it is a cultural thing, a term of endearment. "Besides...it's true!"  I called her that later in the day when we were talking with several Filipino couples. Everyone just chuckled.

I am now calling myself "Colonel."

Col Dave
 

[Heruamen]

         I have yet to meet what I would consider a submissive Filipina, but what I do meet is women who are willing to do what it takes to make a relationship work, or make their man happy but they have minds of their own. Most filipinas I meet are feisty yet sweet, its like they have that perfect balalnce.

[robert angel]

The words "traditional" - "submissive" and "simple" whether used by Filipinas in their profiles or used by others in some sort of attempt to 'describe' them, are often totally off base, misconstrued or otherwise taken out of context.

Someone might describe themself as 'simple', but I bet that's only going to be partially applicable until they start to disagree and not get along with someone else.

That's when 'simple' gets 'complicated'...

I've seen Filipinas back in the RP, as well as here, who were perfectly happy to allow the pretense that their husband was the head honcho--the 'MAN' and pillar of the house, when all the while, they were often working, calling the shots on the kids, if they had them, and basically running the show, while somehow making the guy feel like HE was the one calling the shots. Yes--a good wife will keep you posted, but chances are if she's capable, you're not going to shake up the way things are working too much, if you're smart.

My wife might still always ask me if she can go to the mall with friends or even to get groceries and I rarely, rarely say "No, honey--I'd rather we stay home together--go to a movie, etc.

But if out of insecurity or for some power trip reason, I started saying 'NO" without any good explanation, I think things would go down hill on us. She's got one sharp mind and she doesn't hesitate to tell me in private which people are bad news and and which places I work at where she thinks I should maintain a lower profile to avoid trouble.

She's smart enough to have gotten me to the point where when I'm really mad and sending out mail to different work sites, that I 'sleep on it' and save it as a draft over night before sending it. She knows once I hit 'send' it ain't coming back and they can subpoena all my records later on.

She's got my back and I need her professionally in that capacity more than she needs me. She's like a 'stealth warrior' at her work--seeing all, but saying little, still happy, smiling and a 'team player' but not throwing any stones overtly.

Also, if a guy proves himself to be totally inept and is screwing things up--many Filipinas--and probably more so here on the states (or more quickly to occur in the USA) will----if the Filipina has a decent job, will get rid of the guy either totally or just keep him in the periphery, while she clearly demonstrates REALLY who controls the household income and decision making.

Marriage and children, versus just a couple who are married, changes the dynamics there quite a bit, but I laugh everytime I see any Filipina who describes herself as 'simple', regardless, although many of them are sincere when they say that.

[Jhengsman]

Judging by my wife's US based kabayan commenting on her picture I always took simple to mean that she didn't dress like the network stars.

Since an American would not call someone simple as a compliment like a Filipino would. I made that assumption.

[Jeff S]

Dave....

YOU take the trash to the dump? No wonder they ask you to judge lady boy contests. They figure you want to take the winners home.

[robert angel]

Re:

>>Dave....

YOU take the trash to the dump? No wonder they ask you to judge lady boy contests. They figure you want to take the winners home<<

Yea--between that and the purple thong, I can imagine the soap dropping left and right!

[Lyanna]

Amazing...I am still alive! Try that with an AW! I called my wife "Kumander"  this morning. She just smiled. I asked her why it didn't upset her. She said that it is a cultural thing, a term of endearment. "Besides...it's true!"  I called her that later in the day when we were talking with several Filipino couples. Everyone just chuckled.

I am now calling myself "Colonel."

Col Dave

Why would an American woman find it offensive to be called commander? Idgi.

Most filipinas I meet are feisty yet sweet, its like they have that perfect balalnce.

Agreed.

Marriage and children, versus just a couple who are married, changes the dynamics there quite a bit, but I laugh everytime I see any Filipina who describes herself as 'simple', regardless, although many of them are sincere when they say that.

Simple means something different to Filipinos. Right now I just watched a news cast and people were describing the president as "simpleng tao pala" or in English "just a simple guy." In context it means "down to earth" not uncomplicated.

I might write a separate thread on that somewhere lol.

[robert angel]

Simply complicated!