What is the next step?

[Kaz1983]

Sorry to start another thread, just wanted some feedback now rather than later.. if you get me....

I've met two nice, girls who have shown interest in me, which is a nice feeling ... both so far seem to be nice, good looking but at the same time not a princess types and are both saying the right things (that said I do know it's (very, very) early days) and after sending a few messages back and forth, generally speaking they seem to be looking for exactly what I am ... also they both have said that they are looking for a guy that will accept them for who they and as some of you would know, for me that hit very close to home...

Anyway as I said above -I do know it's (very, very) early days and all but I am kind of not sure what to do/say next (this would apply/help me with any future girls I met as well)... I mean one of them has given me her email address and said she would like get to know me kinda thing.. the other has told me she is interested in me (I'm not sure what that means given the context) and is very much on the same wavelength, it is kinda weird as I'm used to having to do all the leg work   only to have my messages not returned... also I've never looked to start a online relationship -which is what it is, no?  I mean if your discussing what are you looking for in your partner/ when do you see yourself getting married/when do you see yourself starting a family etc etc, it not exactly pen pals is it? Maybe it would be if you were 50 yrs old with a lot meaningful life experience but when your 27 yrs old it is not as easy to talk about and when you find a person who shares the same views, that makes it feel natural to talk about these things -well that is a big deal, as most of you could probably understand.

So back to my question, "what is the next step?" -after I had mentioned the importance of starting a family in the future, I got a response that "I don't want to start a family now but in a few years " and it got me thinking..... do a lot of these girls have a timeline when they want to find someone and start a family and ball is in their court kinda thing? And is one of the reasons they are searching for a husband and willing relocate to another country?

If that is the case does that mean us guys just make it know that we are interested in them and share similar views, put an effort into getting to know them, make an effort to discuss important matter and when they are ready to leave their homeland - relocate to another country, you go ahead and get married like both had wanted/discussed? Or do you get in engaged first and it's up the guy to ask her to get married the old fashioned way?

I think what has got me thinking this the fact she got in contact with me first and has said that she wants to have a family not now but in a few years -I'm just not used that kinda thing, 99% of girls I have met/known either said right now they don't really want to have children or that they want to wait till they 30 yrs old and then see how they feel.... I also realize they might be scamming me but I'd like to thing I would of smelt funny something in their messages sent/profiles if they were or at least I hope.... ohh and I also know I should (and I will) read up on their culture, it would probably help understand their culture and how it dictates their decisions they make.

[Kaz1983]

Well it seems they have answered my question for me (in part)  -it's called yahoo messenger and emails (probably lots of them)

As I said I'm new to this......that said I'm still interested in an answer/insight to the second of my post.. 

[Ray]

"what is the next step?"

Apply for a passport and start saving up for a trip.

Kaz, I don’t know why you are making this so complicated. I would forget about all this serious talk of marriage and children at first. Just communicate and make friends. Use e-mail, snail mail, phone calls, on-line chat, everything at your disposal. After you become friends, then see where it leads.

And instead of telling them what you are looking for in a partner, and having them reply “Oh yes, that’s me exactly!”, just get to know them and you will soon enough find out what kind of person they really are.

Ray

[jm21-2]

In most Asian countries girls want to get married in their mid-late twenties and start a family. It's very common. After 30 there's a fear of being perceived as a spinster if she's still single, and of course biologically it becomes more and more difficult and risky for a woman to have children past 30.

Marriage ages seem to be going up though generally.

Just get to know the girls. Webcam is great.

[Bob_S]

I mean if your discussing what are you looking for in your partner/ when do you see yourself getting married/when do you see yourself starting a family etc etc, it not exactly pen pals is it?

Yes, it is still a pen pal at this stage.  But, as Ray mentioned, your discussing what you are looking for in a partner is, um, concerning.  A good scammer is a pro at morphing into whatever you want to see.  Do you want a stay-at-home wife?  Why, she wants to be a stay-at-home wife! Do you want a worker who will contribute to the family income? Why, she wants to have a job! Do you want a big family? She wants lots of kids!  Do you understand?

I'm not saying you blew it with these girls already, or that that are scammers or anything.  But if you do find you need to start over, next time, do NOT telegraph too much information about what you are looking for in a wife.  Instead, try to get to know what kind of wife they want to be.  The on-line attention you get from the girls abroad makes that kind of hard.  Suddenly you have women interested in listening to what you have to say.  What a refreshing change from here!  But it can be a trap if you start blabbing .

Anyway, your next step is make sure your passport is up to date (or get one if you never had one before).  And change the focus of your conversations.  Ask them about their childhood.  What was it like growing up there.  Get to know their likes and dislikes.  And don't go into too much detail about your own (just yet).

[robert angel]

I just sent my wife old  TV episodes of The Brady Bunch, Leave it to Beaver and Ozzie and Harriet", along with a few X rated movies, to explain what I wanted... NOT!!!


Great advice there, Bob. Looking back, I did, as I also do here, put out too much information, getting lovey dovey and all that too early. A lot of gals loved it too.. Some gals I kept along with for too long just because they were so damn beautiful as well--I just kept coming back to look at eye candy basically, even though the conversation was pretty vacant at times.

When chatting and camming on the internet after you're more comfortable with each other, it gets too easy to get all mushy and sentimental about how you want things to be, painting idyllic pictures for some girl who really wants to get married to play right into. It's almost like giving her a paint, brush and canvas so she can create a master piece.

I think that with almost chess like logic, that asking the important questions of her first, before she has a clear grip on what it is she exactly thinks you want, is a good idea. Gives a better chance to see what she really wants, is looking for and will probably be happy with over time. As in chess, the person who moves first, has an advantage here.

A good chess game typically involves a fair amount of time and so does developing strategies for determining if a relationship is sound, as well.

[robert angel]

RE:

>>So back to my question, "what is the next step?" -after I had mentioned the importance of starting a family in the future, I got a response that "I don't want to start a family now but in a few years " and it got me thinking..... do a lot of these girls have a timeline when they want to find someone and start a family and ball is in their court kinda thing? And is one of the reasons they are searching for a husband and willing relocate to another country?<<

I think for most Filipinas, waiting a few years or until you're thirty y/o would be unusual, but I wouldn't make that a deal breaker-I'd get to know her quite a bit better and ask her the questions about what she really wants. I think in the USA, Japan and probably Australia, getting married and having kids a while later, around or post age 30 is more common. All this points back at how important learning about HER, as well as her culture of the country she's from, is so important. And of course, there's no substitute for time in deciding if someone is the one and in meeting face to face to feel, see, taste and smell the 'chemistry' that either does or doesn't exist in the right amount between the two of you.


Kaz,  I have a good feeling about you--you put out a good 'vibe' and I think it'll all work out fine eventually--but I just want you to take the time to do it right. 27, 28, 29 y/o+ for getting married isn't 'old' at all anymore.

I about wanted to whup my 13 y/o son, who always seems to have online GF's who've moved from our town to cross continent, thousands of miles away and then waxes about how it might be nice to get married at age sixteen or so.

I live not far from South Carolina, USA where I think you can still marry a 14 y/o girl who's your first cousin (Dukes of Hazard County)if her parents sign off---now THAT's scary.

But for MY son, I figure that least having a GF who's a 1000 miles away is the safest form of 'safe sex'. He says he wants to be a heart surgeon and that should keep him too busy to get married until age 26 anyways....

[Kaz1983]

^^^ cheers and yeah it's not a 100m sprint, I mean after all Usain Bolt isn't married..

"what is the next step?"

Apply for a passport and start saving up for a trip.

Kaz, I don’t know why you are making this so complicated. I would forget about all this serious talk of marriage and children at first. Just communicate and make friends. Use e-mail, snail mail, phone calls, on-line chat, everything at your disposal. After you become friends, then see where it leads.

Ray

Nah I haven't started to talk about marriage, children etc etc but rather just reply to what they have said to me -go with the flow, as I said I'm new to this and didn't know what expect or the manner in which to do things... maybe I should have not said what I did above and it has made me look and sound all desperate or something, but writing stuff down helps me 10 fold when I have a problem/thoughts going my head -I suppose I don't see how I'm complicating by writing them down.. that said I'm going take yours and others advice -as you guys seem to of been there, done that..... that said as I use AIM messager, I know it great way to get know another person who is half way round and keeping in touch  ...... as for a trip over 'there' I haven't had a holiday in a long time, so I'm in need of 2 week trip somewhere anyway .....

[Kaz1983]

EDIT: ohh and everybody cheers for the advice ...

[Kaz1983]

OK after reading those messages mentioned above, it was more of a case of:

A) flirting, 'if you were my husband' 'if I was your wive' what would you expect from me...

B) a serious answer to a questioned asked... from someone who mention the word honesty 5 times.

 

[z_k_g]

Kaz,

I would just simply use whatever communication that works for you, yahoo, email, webcam, cell phone, and just simply make friends with the women.

Get to know them and their personalities.  Its very critical to communicate with a woman at the early stages and find out what you are dealing with in terms of emotional and mental stability. 

If you can have a normal conversation about life that doesn't involve, love, looks, finance and husband and wife you have a good chance of making that relationship work.

If you find yourself repeating over and that you love her or explaining where you have been and constantly reassuring her of your intentions or whereabouts, you many have a problem.

Just take one day at a time and don't rush anything.

Ask more questions than giving answers and always re-ask the same questions different ways to cross check.

Zulu