Flaming with the wife, Just doing my job! :)

[fathertime]

    A couple weeks ago I had some irritation with a few things around the house.  I let it all slide and tried to accept the foul mood of my lovely wife at the time.  Finally after a few days, I burst open like an infected pimple and had a little online sparring with Missus.
I did not even try to verbally go at it, because I just can’t keep up in the second language, I decided to instant message her, although she was only 10 feet away on the laptop.  I unloaded my issues with both barrels and I did not like the reaction so I reloaded and unloaded with both barrels again.  Still didn’t like the response so for a third time I reloaded and fired again.  Seemingly she wasn't happy to be challenged, but sometimes things must be said/done.  In the end I got the reaction I needed.

    Although she is the tearful one, I usually wind up feeling pretty bad about these types of vigorous discussions.  It seems that for us, they are a necessary part of our interactions.  Since these discussions are not too often and the behaviors are changed afterwards, I don’t mind all that much.  I am a believer that men marrying a young whippersnapper of a wife must be prepared to spar toe to toe verbally (or online ) with their wives from time to time.  When logic fails, shear force of will and a willingness to mix it up is what gets the job done!  One thing I noticed is she was curling up away from me in the evening for a couple days prior to our ‘vigorous discussion’…that night and ever since she has been melting over me like hot fudge….just like newlyweds again!

    Now as it turns out a lot of these complaints were based around her recently changing moods.  I come to find out that she is quite late with the period for February.  If on Friday the period still hasn’t arrived we shall take the pregnancy test.  As a woman, she has a built in excuse to be moody at times, but if the test is positive then the excuse is airtight this time around and my acceptance of mood swings goes up dramatically!  

Fathertime!

[Henry]

Fathertime, honestly, the way it sounds, you might need to make things verbally known, with some thunder. That might even make her wet and less likely to mess with you in the future. At least thats what I read from the men married to Mexicans.

Screw those mood swings. I dont accept that crap.

[dennislevy]

Henry, I believe FTs wife is a colombiana...

FT, if your wife is pregnant, congratulations!!!!!!!!

After meeting close to 150 women here, and going out and or haivng relationships..
I ve realized this question of tempermenet is vital.  Ive had women not contact me after a frist date or a second date...and I stopped trying ot figure out why...unless i was really interested in a woman.   

Understanding that colombianas think and react differently is key....I had a relationship with a colombiana I was 55, she was 39) for 4 months...wit three break ups...and after the third I was done.

With a youger girl (and I want to be respectful of FT) I think it s  realy hard...and unless you re willing to play the who is in control fandango....frequently...it can be hard, epsecially if there is a language gap-

And now FT, you understand why I ask a lot of questions....I try to make my expectations very clear...and first on that list is emotional stability. if I see a woman who is too volatile and her mood swings are too frequent and she s 40 or 50, Im looking for the exit sign.

And I ll have that discussion about emotional stability IN THE FIRST DATE!!!!!! 

I remember you wrote that you  learned that lettinf her saving face was vital

And many times face is more important for a woman then moving towward the middle to try and make a relationshiip work. I dont  expect a woman to always move 50% to the middle, but I hope for some movement. 

And if a woman doesnt want to move, and doesn t get that (as Ive said a million times ( a relationship between a gringo and a colombiana is much different then a colombian couple,

After the kisses and flowers and romance and sex...both  the foreigner and the colombiana need to work at the relationship.  some men will never ge tit...its simply out of their cultural context....
And men sometimes have to be a bit more patient.

But in the end its us that decides who much time a spat is worth. And I can t be with a woman where every misunderstanding is a three week telenovlea....

Some of it is culture, and a past of not resolving problems and issues) some of it is genuine emotional instability that you can put names to...trauma, post traumatic stress disorder  bi polar disorder, borderline personality disorder...ive seen a little bit of everything here

And this question of what is her temperment, how does she react, how stable is she...is (I think) more mportant then looks or a smoking body or great sex.

Unless you want to play the game and ride the elevator up and down.

0its up to each man.
 

   

If Mrs FT is pregnant, then conratulations!

[Jason1]

   I understand your position ft but the arguing online sounds rather juvenile.I would think a latina would respect a face to face interchange.The online thing sounds like you didn't have the balls to talk to her directly or that seems like how a latina would percieve it anyway.

[fathertime]

Fathertime, honestly, the way it sounds, you might need to make things verbally known, with some thunder. That might even make her wet and less likely to mess with you in the future. At least thats what I read from the men married to Mexicans.

Screw those mood swings. I dont accept that crap.

Well henry, my woman gets very frightened when I verbally show anger like you are describing and she doesn’t like it either.  A while back we were heading to a softball practice and suddenly and for no reason my car alarm went off.  I was startled and irritated as this has happened several times recently.  I cursed loudly and almost kicked the car.  My woman immediately recoiled and said I don’t want to go now and she walked toward the house.  This sudden change in our plans agitated me and I followed her in shouting and demanding to know what her problem was. She ran to the bedroom and curled up on the bed and cried.    What I learned from this incident was that, she is truly all alone and has a larger person scaring the bejesus out of her.    That was not my intent, it was genuine pissedoffness, but as it turns out that perhaps it did have a positive yet unintended consequence.  That being said, regularly showing 'thunder' is not going to be very impressive to my wife.

    Keeping this in mind, I think my technique is working pretty good.  I am able to say forcefully exactly what I want to say without showing too much annoyance.  She realizes what I’m capable of and I think that is more incentive to be respectful with her choices.   Not perfect, but good enough for a first year of living together!   

    Well dennislevy, I don’t know if she is with child or not but she is carrying herself as if she is.  I can sense that she has reached a new level of happiness.  She may have her period tomorrow or maybe not.  I’m pretty enthused for us, just based on her reaction to the possiblitity that she is pregnant. 

Overall I think my woman has a pretty stable personality accept for ‘those moments’, if you know what I mean. A little drama every so often doesn't bother me, just so long as I think things are moving in the right direction, which is how I feel at this point. 
 I don’t expect a wife to be without little flaws here and there, just so long as it is nothing too over the top.  I may have a couple flaws myself, although I’m not too sure what they are yet!

Fathertime!

[fathertime]

  remember you wrote that you  learned that lettinf her saving face was vital

And many times face is more important for a woman then moving towward the middle to try and make a relationshiip work. I dont  expect a woman to always move 50% to the middle, but I hope for some movement. 

And if a woman doesnt want to move, and doesn t get that (as Ive said a million times ( a relationship between a gringo and a colombiana is much different then a colombian couple,

After the kisses and flowers and romance and sex...both  the foreigner and the colombiana need to work at the relationship.  some men will never ge tit...its simply out of their cultural context....
And men sometimes have to be a bit more patient.

But in the end its us that decides who much time a spat is worth. And I can t be with a woman where every misunderstanding is a three week telenovlea....
 

Hello dennislevy,
You bring up some good points here.  I willingness to be patient is a crucial element in our time together.  Probably for her too!  We don't take time to 'work on the relationship', as things naturally go pretty smooth the majority of the time.  Although at some point, if a couple thinks it will benefit the marriage, it makes sense to take time out to realign. 

Yeah I remember the 'saving face' post I wrote.  In my initial post of this thread when I let her have it with both barrels, I did not let her save any face at all.  As a general rule I phrase things to where she can save face, but sometimes things have to be said regardless of saving face or not. 

I'm in agreement about the movement issue, it doesn't need to be 50/50, but some movement in the right direction is what I strive for.  Since that is happening, I am pleased.  I still wake up pretty surprised that this old gasbag has grown on such a beautiful young creature.  I'm lucky and I know it!

Fathertime!

[JR33]

  arguing via computer.Thats not very smart.As mentioned before I don't see how a woman could respect a man that couldn't talk to her face to face.A guy like that will probably spending alot of time sleeping on the couch.

[robert angel]

Although truly 'communicating' in any language/s can be a challenge, I am sooo glad that my wife speaks pretty decent English although some letters and sounds evade her. Imagine not being able to say the F sound in the word 'shift' for example. I definitely reminded her NOT to tell the kids at school to "stop shifting around so much in your chairs". 

Everyone's different, but I know it drives me nuts sometimes and bothers her as well, when I have to ask her to repeat a word or phrase because I can't understand. If I didn't speak Spanish and was with a LA woman, or even more challenging, a Chinese or Thai lady, I think I'd go about nuts. I don't really lose my composure now, but the frustration on both sides is sometimes evident. Is communicating via computer in the same house is the answer for us?--I dunno--maybe that's a 'Dr. Phil' question.....

[fathertime]

Although truly 'communicating' in any language/s can be a challenge, I am sooo glad that my wife speaks pretty decent English although some letters and sounds evade her. Imagine not being able to say the F sound in the word 'shift' for example. I definitely reminded her NOT to tell the kids at school to "stop shifting around so much in your chairs". 

Everyone's different, but I know it drives me nuts sometimes and bothers her as well, when I have to ask her to repeat a word or phrase because I can't understand. If I didn't speak Spanish and was with a LA woman, or even more challenging, a Chinese or Thai lady, I think I'd go about nuts. I don't really lose my composure now, but the frustration on both sides is sometimes evident. Is communicating via computer in the same house is the answer for us?--I dunno--maybe that's a 'Dr. Phil' question.....

 Yo RA,

Did you wife speak good English from the onset of her arrival here?  My woman actually speaks some English, but just not have the confidence to let it flow, I'm trying to encourage her to speak more English, despite the little errors. 

The communication gap for us is not too bad really.  As far as I’m concerned use of the computer helps during a ‘disagreement’ because I’d rather have my thoughts stated perfectly, so disagreements can be avoided later.   It can be a frustration to have to repeat or not fully understand during a heated disagreement, hence the computer worked as a good alternative.  For interactions throughout the day, there really isn’t any confusion since there is not the pressure of a real time disagreement.  I find that with a second language, I have to concentrate a little more on saying the right words rather than formulating instantaneous thoughts, like I can in the first language.  In June we are both planning on going to summer school.  English 1 for her and Spanish 3 for me.  I’m hoping to align the classes at the same time.  It will be a little corny but I think it is a good thing. 

Fathertime!

[Jeff S]

My wife and I used dictionaries a lot when in heated discussions early on in our marriage. It was actually a good thing, since instead of blurting things out, we'd both have to think things through carefully defusing some of the emotion. Sure, sometimes there were misunderstandings, but I understand exactly where fathertime is coming from. It's not always a bad thing to express yourself clearly in writing rather than to be misunderstood blurting things out off the top of your head.

Like the old timer in Cowboy de Amor said: He was married for 17 years to an American women who spoke perfect English, but he never understood a word she said. Now that he's married to a Mexicana who speaks almost no English, he understands her much better.

[dennislevy]

Not showing visible aner at a colombiana is vital, I speak from personal experience...and i would extend that to raising your voice. An abrupt departure from a colombiana is consiered excpetionally bad manners. If a woman cries, and you re handy you are going to take the responsiiblity fo rmaking her cry, no matter what the circumstances are.

the expression is un hombre malgenio

FT s technique of communicatin on line even if his wife is 10 feet away from him is not as ridiculous as it sounds. Face to face confrontaiton with a colombian quite often doesnt work....immediately. Sometimes it is best to have a cooling off period, sometimes if possible sometimes to enlist an intermediary.....the rules are different.

Im not married, and I live in Colombia..and if I choose to have a confrontaiton (and that can just mean a very direct open conversation) with a Colombiana, I have to accept that may be the end of whatever we had...

And as I live here longer, I have less and less confrontations, I simply walk (unless it a woman I really care about) and if the woman wants to communicate with me, she will.....

Good luck....FT, you re learning!

 

[robert angel]

It's taken a while--actually years, for us to get them scheduled, but my wife is taking lessons weekly at an excellent local university's speech pathology program for accent reduction. We were happy to find out that they also work on her written expression and the verbal and written usage of idioms and 'slang'. My wife's very well educated, but like a lot of people who speak their variation of her dialect, 'The' can sound like 'duh' and 'that' like 'dat'. Plus there's some Spanish inflection on certain words--drawn out, overly accented eeee's for example. She minds her own 'beeeznus'

Never an issue at work, but when she was offered a $40,000 to start job as a preschool teacher  over 4 years ago, she chose to turn it down as she didn't want the kids modeling her language patterns. Very admirable for her character, but not for her bank account, he he. She could've with a 5 year engineering degree, landed a lot of even better paying jobs, but she didn't feel ready and I just want her to be happy. We're not rich, but we do pretty OK.

For some of us, that might be worth checking into--accent reduction, speech, language help at local colleges. If available, your wife would be paired up with a supervised graduate student. As said, it's free, but my wife's so tickled with her 'teacher' that she wants to give her a gift certificate for $25 and she's always giving her free meal coupons from the restaurant where she's a manager a few nights a week.

Obviously if she can manage a major restaurant and work with 60 students from two classes , her English is 'passable'. It's just that she's probably going to work for Mitsubishi, JCB/Volvo or Gulfstream Aerospace and she wants her English to be excellent. She never felt ready before and now she's really into it, currently working on adding Microsoft and Cisco certification to her degree and experience with Coca Cola in her computer engineering field.

I've always said 'whatever makes you happy honey' but she's anxious and ready now to make major money, so be it.

I have to admit I have some apprehensions about her going to work for a huge corporation in a male dominated area, but hey--temptations everywhere and she's got a good, moral head on her shoulders.

FT, I sort of came off as a wise cracker, maybe--but I just know personally that it sort of drives me nuts trying to decipher her sometimes. It's worse on the cell phone. That's my issue and I don't get angry--although sometimes she does a bit out of frustration when I ask her to repeat several times. I tend to roll my eyes and sigh.

Maybe pairing off and communicating via a computer isn't as 'strange' as I first thought--especially if it facilitates clarity. I should hope you don't need a written record to refer to later--the 'see I said this here on this date' kind of thing.

In the years I communicated every day with my wife before we became engaged, I told her the times I am likely to lose my temper and how I can be a loud pain in the ass sometimes, especially when my sons need straightening out. It's a lot different where she comes from.

I told her about how I am at my worst when I can't find something I need--I can be like a wrecking crew, tearing the house apart--in a bad mood. I told her how 'house keeping'--or the lack thereof, might be an issue. I told her about my internet surfing habits, including adult sites. In short, I tried, if possible, to paint myself as being worse than I really am, but of course she's uncovered a few other things that occasionally annoy her, but by and large, I think I covered the major problem concern areas that if nondisclosed beforehand, can mess with a marriage.

Things are overall pretty good, but despite seeming (maybe) warm, fuzzy and optimistic, I live by the day, week, month, then year and tell myself that 'happily forever after' is just something I read about in fairy tales.

I've said it before and here it is again--marriage --and perhaps more so to an exotic, foreign beauty--isn't much different than owning an exotic sports car--if you don't work on it--care for it and give it regular maintenance--it's not going to last. Then again, some guys like to trade in their models before they get too many miles and have maintenance related issues anyways, but myself, I like long term stability. I can't help but wonder if I'm going to screw up a good thing here all the same--it's sort of a tradition, after all....

[robert angel]

Regarding:

   >> Now as it turns out a lot of these complaints were based around her recently changing moods.  I come to find out that she is quite late with the period for February.<<

There were some anthropologists who using medicine, adjusted a 'primitive' South American tribe's women's menstruation cycles so they all had their periods at the same time.

It was duly noted by the same anthropologists that soon after, the male members of the tribe all rescheduled their multiday hunting trips to coincide with these days.

When my wife was pregnant with our two sons, she was meaner than a bobcat in a burlap bag....

FT, whether she's preggars or not, best wishes.....

[jm21-2]

After trying to facilitate settlements with clients from Japan via e-mail, I can't imagine trying to resolve an argument over a medium like that. I am a computer guy but give me face to face resolution any day.

[osteve]

    Having a disagreement with a Colombiana does take being tactful.I have learned that after several years of being married to one.While being a complete A hole to her doesn't get good results neither does being a pansy.Conversing by computer? Bad idea.You'll come off as a real pansy!

[fathertime]

  My wife decided she didn't want to wait so we had a positive test last night and again this morning.  Looks like another little 'fathertime(ete)' will be here sometime later this year! I have never seen my woman as happy as she has been for the last 16 hours or so.   I am a very lucky man. 

Thanks for the productive comments jeff, Dennislevy and RA.

I hear ya Jm21, all I can say is sometimes you have to be in the situation to know what really works best for any given individual.


Fathertime!

[Jeff S]

Congratulations Fathertime!

[Dan Las Vegas]

Congratulations FT!!!!!    Can't wait to see the photos of Babytime

Dan

[raycjs]

Congratulation FT, I wish you and your wife the best.......


i guess your interview should go a little easier....JAJAJA



best of luck to you

Ray

[Capstone]

Congratulations FT!!!

Hopefully I will be headed down that same road very soon as my wife & I just started to try our luck as well.

[Alabamaboy!]

Congratulations brother! That is great news!

Your situation seems to be almost the same as where I am at in my relationship, but I am about 9 months or so behind you I think.

I think you are handling the relationship very well so far. Sounds like the kids, you, and your lady are all happy. And you are living a relatively low stress lifestyle.

Shoot even the situation with your ex wife living down the street from you, the ages of you and your lady, where your lady is from. It is almost exactly my situation here right now.

I hope things go as well for me as they are going for you.

You got a great attitude about realizing that the women are not going to be perfect, and it is not productive to be searching for someone perfect. And about expecting too much out of the relationship from them. I think you are right about all those things. Give her some room to relax and chill, but at some time you need to put the hammer down if things are not going well.

Anyway good luck with everything! 

Oh, Denislevy, I think you are right about the Colombianas do not do well with direct confrontations, but they do seem to understand brute force communications at times when it is necessary. I think the trick is to use that sort of thing only when it is absolutely necessary. I think if you never have some emotional outbursts like that to get your point across, they will tend to drift into their own patterns and ways of thinking. They almost crave it at times to know they are dealing with a man. And Colombian guys have no problem with showing this "forceful" side at times.

[fathertime]

Congratulations brother! That is great news!

Your situation seems to be almost the same as where I am at in my relationship, but I am about 9 months or so behind you I think.

I think you are handling the relationship very well so far. Sounds like the kids, you, and your lady are all happy. And you are living a relatively low stress lifestyle.

Shoot even the situation with your ex wife living down the street from you, the ages of you and your lady, where your lady is from. It is almost exactly my situation here right now.

I hope things go as well for me as they are going for you.

You got a great attitude about realizing that the women are not going to be perfect, and it is not productive to be searching for someone perfect. And about expecting too much out of the relationship from them. I think you are right about all those things. Give her some room to relax and chill, but at some time you need to put the hammer down if things are not going well.

Anyway good luck with everything! 

Oh, Denislevy, I think you are right about the Colombianas do not do well with direct confrontations, but they do seem to understand brute force communications at times when it is necessary. I think the trick is to use that sort of thing only when it is absolutely necessary. I think if you never have some emotional outbursts like that to get your point across, they will tend to drift into their own patterns and ways of thinking. They almost crave it at times to know they are dealing with a man. And Colombian guys have no problem with showing this "forceful" side at times.

yoyo Alabamaboy!

Thanks pal,  I know we have had some similarities with our pasts.  I am very happy with how this is turning out.  You are right about not asking too much from my wife.  She is a good woman and I can accept her faults very easily at this point.  She has improved our overall quality of life and is fun to have around.  I don't mind browbeating her every once in a blue moon, if I need to, but I highly prefer to not have to say anything negative.  Being that she was pregnant, her odd behavior was completely understandable for that one week or so.  Since the flaming session she has mentioned it to me a couple times how mean I was to her.  Had I known the circumstances I would have been more patient, but ultimately I think it is good to drop a bomb on her every so often when it is unexpected.  Keeps her on her toes a bit and that is not a bad thing.

As for you, I think you are making a good choice to follow through with your woman.  We only have so much time to make all this happen and the years are moving so fast nowadays.  Rolling the dice is not the worst thing for a fella like yourself.  Hopefully it works out well, but if not, you are not banned for life from doing it again.  The petition process has worked for others so you likely will always have options. 

Good luck buddy,

Fathertime!