Language

[Jeff S]

My wife and I had a hinamatsuri (girls day) party a couple weeks ago for a group of her Japanese friends. As with all our parties I try to participate as much as possible, trying to folllow all the conversations. I'm not fluent in Japanese but understand most of it, and can contribute somewhat, though not enough to be th elife of the party.

Anyway I was shocked to find out from some of the people there that they all think I am very unusual amongst gaijin married to Nihon-jin wives, because I hung around and participated. That say it's pretty normal for the American husbands to get upset and angry when their wives are speaking their native language with their friends around them.

I ran into a American/Japanese couple in Seattle once, where it was a blended family. The wife had a 12 year old daughter from her first (Japanese) husband, and a new baby from her new American husband. The husband forbade the wife and her daughter from speaking Japanese to each other. I thought it was pretty rediculous.

Anyway, do any of you have heartburn when your wife speaks her native tongue with her friends around you? Do you find it at all irritating?

- Jeff

[william3rd]

Only if she isnt teaching me the language. . . .

my ex used to speak in dialects to communicate her wrongdoing to some of her less than honest friends. The honest friends were communicated with in her regular language and English so I could understand. My current teerak is teaching me as I teach her English.

[el_ruso]

I would say it is normal when both people try to learn each other's language.  I mean if she speaks no english - aside from other problems - she will not be able to speak to your family and friends, and that's not good.  And if you don't speak her language, you will not be able to speak to her family and friends either.  a guy who forbade his wife to speak her language to her own kid is awful.  I guess the woman was desperate.

[Tim]

It doesn't bother me when Wendy speaks Cantonese with our friends and family, I use it as an opportunity to practice my listening/interpreting.

[catz]

I encourage my wife so speak her native language. Why wouldn't I? She misses it, it gives her brain a break from having to think in English all the time (which has to be one of the most confusing languages in the world as the rule is there are exceptions to every rule and they don't follow any specific pattern!) and we are also keeping our son fluent in both languages as well.

I agree that to forbid your wife/child from speaking their language is pretty low and VERY controlling. That guys got serious issues. Sorry for her and the kid.

Catz

[Jeff S]

Well, I agree that guy in Seattle was a gaping a-hole, and I agree with you guys about encouraging two languages in the house. Apparently, we are in the minority, though.

- Jeff

[Ray]

Interesting topic Jeff...

No, I don't get upset when the wife is "speaking in tongues" with her friends or relatives. Like you, I understand a lot of what is being said, but I'm not fluent.

The problem is that my wife speaks 4 languages fluently (Surigaonon, Visayan, Tagalog, and English). She lived in Malaysia for 4 years and used to be good in Malay but has lost most of that since. She also studied 2 full years of Spanish in college. Her native language is Surigaonon.

I used to speak decent Tagalog but don't get as much practice as I used to. My wife is teaching me some Surigaonon but it is spoken very rapid-fire and hard to listen to. My first wife's native language was Ilonggo and I used to know some but since have lost most of it. Since Tagalog is my wife's 3rd or 4th language, I sometimes help her out with her Tagalog vocabulary.

English is one of the official languages in the Philippines and all government and legal documents are in English. University classes are conducted in English and I believe that a recent government mandate extends that all the way down to the elementary level as well.

Only about half of Filipinos speak Tagalog as their native language, but here in San Diego it's probably more like 80% of Filipinos are Tagalog natives. So the wife has to constantly switch back and forth between English, Tagalog, Visayan, or Surigaonon depending on which group she happens to be with at the time. I think sometimes she gets confused and uses the wrong tongue at the wrong time (LOL).

What I find interesting is that other Filipinas feel left out when the wife and her relatives here start speaking in Surigaonon at social functions. I sometimes have to remind her that her other Tagalog friends don't have a clue what she is talking about.

Anyway, it's all very interesting and confusing, but I love every minute of it.

About the guy forbidding his wife and daughter to speak Japanese in the house. That reminds me of a story my dad used to tell me. Being the son of German immigrants, German was used predominantly in the home. When his family moved to a new home in L.A., his new teacher sent home a note the first day of school to his parents asking that they speak only English in the home because his and his brother's and sister's English skills were way behind. So, his dad decreed that only English would be used in the home from that day on. Nowadays, the immigrant parents would probably sue the school district if that happened in Los Angeles.

BTW, my 3 children don't speak any Filipino languages. They can understand some of the Tagalog but can't speak it.