Korea

[Revan]

Hello all!my name is Darome.I've been looking at this forum for maybe like 4 months and this is my first time posting.I'm 18 soon to be 19(I know kind of young to be thinking about marriage ,though I'm not thinking of getting married until after I get my bachelor degree(maybe not even till masters or Phd).Before I ask my question should probably tell you how I've gotten to this road of searching for someone outside the states.Through out my teens I have observed pretty much the relationships of other people around me and lets just say over the years I don't like what I've seen (i live in SanFrancisco by the way and go to a christian school ).Also I come from not much of a happy family so I decided A long time ago that if I had a family I would try to bring up my kids better and would not marry someone from the states(also for some reason I found asian girls to be really attractive ).Well my original plan was to get my bachelors in the states, then my masters in taiwan,my Phd in Japan and then teach in korea for a while but do to certain Events I might just get my bachelors and masters here, then my Phd in taiwan, Work in japan for while then in korea, and finally come back to the states and live in seattle.

Well My questions are:

1. What are experiences with korea women and what are their outlooks on marriage?
2. What are their views on Sex?(what can I say, I'm still in my teens!)
3.What are their traditional views on relationships in general.
4.Out of the countries I've mentioned what would be best place to go looking for a wife?

PS: I'm black/native american and a Christian.Thanks in advance

[Jeff S]

Hi Darome and welcome aboard. Your decision to study and look for a life mate in Asia shows your wisdom beyond your years.

Korea has a population of 48 million, Taiwan, 24 million, and Japan about 140 million. That's something like 212 million people. If half are women, that's 106 million ladies. Among them you'll find sweet ones, bitches, smart ones, dumb ones, fat ones, skinny ones, tall ones, short ones, loyal ones, cheaters, traditional ones, feminists, those who hate sex, horndogs, religious ones and athiests. It doesn't really matter which country you choose, your job will be to pick out a gem amongst a sea of shiny pieces of glass. It's not an easy task, and the less you know about the culture, language, and customs the harder it is to pull it off.

I applaud your interest in getting an education in the far east. It will be an exciting, eye-opening experience. Only after you've immersed yourselves in these cultures, can you really know which country's culture, customs, food, music, etc. can you adopt for your own - because even if you live in the US, you'll be eating the food, listening to the language & music, engaging in the customs and beliefs, and in general immersing yourself in that culture for the rest of your life. Yesterday was my 21st anniversary, being married to a Japanese lady. As I type this early in the morning, the TV is tuned right now to the NHK (Japanese) news, I can smell wakame miso shiro (seaweed & bean paste in fish broth soup) heating up for breakfast, and I know that tonight we're going out with friends - two couples to a Japanese dinner. I'll be the only round-eye and I know the conversation will be only in Japanese, and will not include any topics that i have a lot of interest in, but I'll listen and contribute, in Japanese, nonetheless. This is my life, and I enjoy it tremendously.

I read post after post on this board about whether Ukraine women are better than Russian, Peruvian better than Colombian, or Thai better then Vietnamese. All of that speculation is pure and utter nonsense. You should concern yourself with picking a country & culture that suits you, then scour it for the kind of lady who has what you're looking for - and may I suggest you don't know what you're looking for yet, and probably won't until after you've either found it or realized that what you found is NOT what you're looking for. Even within the same family, you may find both a gem and a nightmare. Had I married my wife's sister (who I met first) I'd have probably stuck a .45 in my mouth to put myself out of my misery by now, instead of being very happily married.

Now to your questions. One board member here, tneal , who we haven't heard from in a long while was married to a Korean lady, and their marriage didn't work out. He later married a Filipina and they're living happily ever after. I dated a Korean girl back in my single days. She had a master's in Chemistry and was enchanting as well as intelligent. When I met my wife and we went our separate ways. Last I heard about her from a mutual friend, she was happily married and raising three kids.

As I said above, you can't generalize about things like views on marriage, interest in sex, or traditional-ness when it comes to millions of people, so can you find a sweet, demure, traditional wife in Korea whose a dynamite in the sack? Yes. In Korea, can you also find a cold, icy bitch, who'd just as soon take you for every cent you're worth rather than cook you breakfast? Yes, also.

If you ask me, I'd say Japan is the best place to find a wife in Asia. Hey, I speak the language, understand the customs, like the food, and have had excellent success (this is my first marriage.) Ask many of the rest of the guys here, and they'd probably say the Philippines - for the same reasons as mine - except they found what I found in a different place. Take your time, enjoy your experiences and pay attention. I have confidence you'll figure it out.

- Jeff

[william3rd]

Jeff- excellent post and one of the most profound that I have ever read. Thank you for sharing.

You are right on. Many of the searchers out there look for a foreign bride like they would shop at Walmart, which is really unfortunate.

Hopefully, many readers will take your post to heart.

When you marry someone from another country, you are marrying their culture in part as well.

If you dont like Japanese food, why would you marry Japanese? If you dont want to learn some Russian, then why would you marry Russian. . . .

[Revan]

Thanks Jeff! I'll take everything you've said to heart.Come to Think about it If you were to ask me which culture i identifiy with I would probably say Chinese or japanese(I really like watching anime and martial arts).Theres only 2 Problems I can think about

1.I'm hopping My race Will not be a Issue since Many japanese and chinese seem to prefer to marry within their race.

2.It's going to be really hard to find a christian women in Japan(I believe I heard theres only like half a million there).

Hey, Jeff when you first started dating your wife did her parents have a problem with it at first and if so what did you do to smooth things out?

[Jeff S]

I also was introduced to many things Japanese through martial arts, though I suspect back 35+ years ago when I was heavily involved, much more culture and traditional ceremony was involved in the sport than it is today.

And - yes, you have to deal with the gaijin (outsider) mindset in much of of Asia. I didn't have near as much trouble as some, since my father-in-law was an international businessman, and spoke excellent English, among several other languages including Spanish & Chinese. He was also ground down a bit by my wife's sister who married and later divorced a hard partying sailor, and had two mixed race grandkids. Me, as a soft spoken, well dressed & mannered businessman was a lot easier to come to grips with than his previous son-in-law. You do have an advantage, though, because blacks are now very trendy in Japan. Young, Japanese speaking blacks are very popular on TV, and many young cute Japanese girls are eager to meet black boys. Get fluent and you'd go right to the head of the line when auditioning for TV shows, and you'd be the center of attention walking down the street in Ginza among the young girls.

Not being a Christian, I can't say much about the religious part. They say only 1% of Japanese are Christian, but I think that means only 1% are born, again, devout Christians to the exception of everything else. The standard saying is that all Japanese are Buddhist for this life, Shinto for the next, and Christian just in case. You won't have any trouble finding a woman who respects your religion and would even worship with you. Don't expect her to completely abandon her traditional beliefs, though, You'll probably wonder what little piles of salt and incense are doing in the corners of your yard, or why you can't move into a house at the end of a cul-de-sac with the front door facing southwest. Trust me, you're better off not knowing.

- Jeff

[Revan]

Wow, I had a Feeling that they might like a black guy now because some Japanese seem to be getting into the Rap and hiphop scene over their.As soon as I told my friend about this a while back (who is also Into to anime and did karate for a while) he Said don't get excited because most of them still don't like us .So I just took him at his word.Well I'm to know that he was wrong after all and that my original theory was correct .By the way where the heck is Ginza .Once again thanks Jeff!

[Jeff S]

Ginza is a very "in" neighborhood of downtown Tokyo, with all the nicest shops, restaurants, and clubs. Here's a link that goes into depth: http://www.japan-guide.com/e/e3005.html

- Jeff

[jm21-2]

I can't offer you much advice about the romantic side of things, but right now Korea seems to be a hotspot for teaching English, if that's what you're thinking of. I've done a bit of research into teaching abroad and have a friend who just went to teach in Korea, so thought I'd chime in. My friend negotiated a contract where he works 25 hours/week and gets paid ~$40k/year, and all he has is a BS, no Korean language experience. I think that's abnormally good, but...

If you had a masters in TEFL or TESL (hopefully I got those abbreviations right), a few years teaching experience, and knew a bit of the country's language, you could try for a job as a professor from what I understand. Not sure what kind of teaching you were thinking of though. From what I understand the higher education in Korea is very pedigree-based, and I'd think Japan would be similar. A degree from an American university might have more value, but that's just a guess.

I'd try to get some teaching experience before I went too far down the road though...I thought I'd love teaching and didn't really like it once I got there. Knew a lot of people who went to be a student teacher right before they graduated and discovered to their great dismay that they didn't like it.

Haha, and nice to see someone younger than me post here. I've seen a couple 19yos who seem way more serious than me about the whole thing.

I seem to remember reading a post in the archives here about a fundamentalist Christian who was very happy with his Japanese wife...discussion between him and a guy asking a similar question I think? Said she acted more Christian than most of the members of his church or something like that...been a while.

[DanAndChed]

I can start off by saying I lived in Korea between 1986 and 1988.  Koreans then held very racist views toward african americans.  Very few of my black american friends were married to Koreans.  Most were married to Filipinos.

I ended up marrying a Korean woman.  We spent 11 years together had two children and one day, she just left me and my two small children.  She also left me with her daughter from a previous marriage.  There were no signs or warnings.  She latter, married an old korean friend who was visiting on buisness.  From what I know it appears it was a financial deal.

At the time I lived in Korea I idealized the women.  They were very family oriented, great hostess and good companions.  While there I got to travel to the Philippines and thought the women were more girlish and just not what I wanted (I had no clue).

Everyone I know that was married to a Korean in Korea is now divorced.  The problem is that what you see on the outside is not what is going on on the inside.  They are very cold and don't open up, both personnaly and in bed.  If you live in Korea have fun, but be real sure before you marry.

Since then I've discovered that the girlishness I saw in Filipinos is what I really like in women.  Me and my wife are very open about EVERYTHING.  I've never had discussion like I have with her.  She is my best and closest friend.  I can tell what she is feeling just by looking at her.  Filipinos are very open minded, my wife is 22 years younger and age is not an issue.  As for my Black friends all married to Filipinos, they are still happily married.

Also, I've met 3 other guys whose Korean wives, just up and left them and the kids.  Two of them are now also happily married to Filipinos.

[Jeff S]

22 YEARS? Don't you know you should be bitch slapped for forcing a teeny bopper to change your collostomy bag? Does she puke when sleeping with you?

(Just joking Dan. You have to have been following the posts on the Latin board lately.)

- Jeff

[jm21-2]

Great to hear from some of the older, more experienced posters. I have been struggling with the issue of femininity in women. I've begun to realize I need a lot of work in that area. You know, I was raised to want some professional American woman, but I know now that's not what I really want. I know in the future I want a wife who will stay at home and be supportive, can actually cook and clean, be a good mother, etc, but I just can't get out of this mindset of wanting a sort of restrained (having trouble finding the right word...sort of distanced I guess?), intellectual relationship with a professional woman. Any advice on getting out of that mindset?

[Jeff S]

Talk to a few guys who are married to modern feminist professional women. That'll cure you of that fantasy in a hurry. No one says you can't interact with women once you're married and have great conversations at work, lunches, etc. You're also implying that non-feminist Asian women are simpletons who you can't share stimulating conversations with. This is very flawed thinking. My wife is college educated and very up on politics, current events, health and nutrition, gourmet foods and wine, the arts, foreign cultures, and a whole host of other topics that interest me as well. We have plenty of things in common to have stimulating intellectual conversations. OK, she's not much interested in science and technology (my profession) but hey, by the time I get home I want a change of subjects anyway. I think you'll find a higher percentage of Asian women fit in this catagory than not.

[jm21-2]

Talk to a few guys who are married to modern feminist professional women. That'll cure you of that fantasy in a hurry. No one says you can't interact with women once you're married and have great conversations at work, lunches, etc. You're also implying that non-feminist Asian women are simpletons who you can't share stimulating conversations with. This is very flawed thinking. My wife is college educated and very up on politics, current events, health and nutrition, gourmet foods and wine, the arts, foreign cultures, and a whole host of other topics that interest me as well. We have plenty of things in common to have stimulating intellectual conversations. OK, she's not much interested in science and technology (my profession) but hey, by the time I get home I want a change of subjects anyway. I think you'll find a higher percentage of Asian women fit in this catagory than not.

Sorry, I didn't mean to imply Asian women were simpletons at all, sorry if it came off that way. I think it's probably the opposite (It seems like most American women aren't that interested in learning outside work/school, have pretty unsophisticated tastes, etc.). I was just talking about the attitude.

I just meant to say that, hmm...how to put it. I guess I'd say my mind has been set up in a way to where part of me  thinks a feminine, affectionate, traditional woman is not as attractive, even though I know in my mind that they're preferable. Does that make any sense? It just sort of goes against my upbringing.

Again, I most certainly did not mean to say that Asian women, or women from any other part of the earth, were simpletons.

[DanAndChed]

22 YEARS? Don't you know you should be bitch slapped for forcing a teeny bopper to change your collostomy bag? Does she puke when sleeping with you?

(Just joking Dan. You have to have been following the posts on the Latin board lately.)

- Jeff

Ahhh ok...  Actually I found someone who I consider at the same level of maturity.   

Dan

[DanAndChed]

Great to hear from some of the older, more experienced posters. I have been struggling with the issue of femininity in women. I've begun to realize I need a lot of work in that area. You know, I was raised to want some professional American woman, but I know now that's not what I really want. I know in the future I want a wife who will stay at home and be supportive, can actually cook and clean, be a good mother, etc, but I just can't get out of this mindset of wanting a sort of restrained (having trouble finding the right word...sort of distanced I guess?), intellectual relationship with a professional woman. Any advice on getting out of that mindset?

Wow I had the same problem, I guess that is why I married a Korean woman first, everything was more formal.  You nailed on the head what scared me about Filipinos first, but now I just can't live without, they are the most feminine women I've ever met.  If you want to get out of the mindset.  Study up on the Philippines, same language, religion, educational values, etc.  Then start a few pen pal relationship.  Be careful, I could easily see a guy falling for the first one and wanting to get married.  After you've corresponded with a few for awhile, one day, someone will come along and there will be no doubt.  My wife and I clicked on the first phone call. 

Good luck.

Dan

[Jeff S]

There was a movie made back in about 1970, with Elliot Gould and Candice Bergan, about a guy who just got back from Viet Nam and was getting his teaching credential at Cal Berkeley. In one great scene Gould turns to Bergan and yells, "You're not a woman, you're a guy......... with a hole in the middle!" Well if what you want is a guy with a hole in the middle, stick with those modern AW. On the other hand, if you want a woman, "go west, young man, go west." (or south, or east, - just don't hang around here.)

- Jeff