My Search, Part 1

[John O.]

After a long absence, I’m happy to have rediscovered this forum, and even happier to have good news to report for a change.

I wrote a few dozen posts here around 2001 to 2003, and I enjoyed reading the entertaining and informative posts of fellow seekers, including Hoda, Patrick, Houndog, Pete E, Calipro (or was it Calivet?), and many others. The sad truth is I’ve been traveling to Latin America in search of a wife off and on since 1994. I don’t even remember how many trips I made. Some were certainly fun and exciting, others less memorable.

Ah, if only experience equaled wisdom.

I met lots of women in various countries: some via the internet or TLC catalogs, others at agencies, mainly in Cali. I love Colombian gals. I was engaged once, to a beautiful but indecisive lady from Bogota. Marcela was everything I wanted in a woman: looks, brains, personality. She was 26, I was 38. We corresponded for a long time before meeting in person; the relationship lasted about 18 months. But she broke it off after moving to Miami on a student visa. Just wasn’t ready to commit, it seems.

I learned one important lesson from that painful experience: Ladies with greater resources (professional, economic, youth, looks) have more choices and thus higher expectations.

After a break, I dived back into the search. I thought I knew what I wanted, which is one of the most important starting points. I met plenty of girls whom I liked, and plenty who liked me. I just couldn’t find one who met my criteria and reciprocated my feelings.

I think it was Rigo, a friend and the owner of Cali's Hostal San Fernando who first suggested that the best way to accomplish my goal was to live in Colombia at least six months. There are several men who have done this. I certainly could have found a teaching job in Cali, but it would have disrupted my work and life in the other Cali(fornia), so I put it off.

I was impatient. I realize now that, among the women who liked me, there were a few who I could have been happy with if I had given it more time. I was also indecisive and unrealistic. I compared the women I was dating to the young hotties I saw walking around the malls, and found my dates wanting. I lost interest in a number of quality ladies because I was always looking elsewhere, hoping for something better.

Genius that I am, I'd thought that finding a wife in Colombia was a great plan. But I was going about it the wrong way. Perhaps I was making the same mistake that Marcela had made with me. One friend who married a Caleña said I was in love with The Chase. There’s probably something to that, too. Looking back, it’s easy for me to feel shame and regret at my foolishness.

I marvel at the stories of guys who have found Ms. Right on their first trip. One even says he did it in 72 hours. God bless him. I would imagine that these men had reasonable expectations, knew exactly what they wanted, and were fortunate (or blessed) enough to find it right away. I also know a few of these cases that ended badly.

Still, 'tis better to have loved and lost, right? Well, I never gave myself a chance to love at all. And it looked like it was going to end badly for me anyway.

To Be Continued...

[John O.]

Eventually what had seemed like a noble adventure turned into fruitless search, even an addiction. These romance-seeking vacations were getting more and more like work. In 2004 I finally gave up, decided to take a break.

I stayed home and dated the local talent, i.e., the mostly Latina immigrants that I meet at work. I wish I could say that I enjoyed these dating adventures, like some gringo Casanova. But I no longer think like a 20-year-old; I’m looking more for companionship now, not just sex. Anyway, as luck would have it, I encountered the same dynamic here of not finding anyone who reciprocated my feelings, and eventually losing interest in the ladies who liked me.

(A side note: Many friends had suggested I date these local Latinas, who are mostly Mexican and Central American, some undocumented. In general, I've found them less attractive (to my tastes) or educated than the ladies I’d met in South America, yet even pickier when it comes to men. Perhaps this is due to the small armies of young male Latinos pursuing them on this side of the border. At any rate, it supports my earlier observation that more choices = choosier.)

If I was addicted to this eternal chase, then the addict must have hit bottom some time last year. I was feeling old, hopeless, depressed. It occurred to me more than once that a strong belief in a Higher Power would have been useful in such situations, but over the years I had pretty much lost or abandoned my faith.

Eventually, however, the inner work I was doing at this time bore fruit. I started feeling better, and improved my work situation. In my love life, I gradually learned to distinguish between my wants and my needs, between my feelings and reality.

It was then that I reconnected with a very nice, lovely Caleña I'd gone out with a couple years earlier. "X" is a 29-year-old receptionist and single mom, sweet, mature and down-to-earth. X was one of the nicer ladies I’d met in Colombia, and though much time had passed, her patience, acceptance and dogged determination kept alive our thread of communication. I started calling her on the phone again. Our conversations felt comfortable, enjoyable, endearing.

I used to say I had never met “the right one”. Perhaps it was simply that I had never been ready to pull the commitment trigger. I felt ready now. The old fears and fantasies were fading.

I decided to go down to Cali for Christmas and see X again.

To Be Continued...

[sean126]

John,
I must say...all the personal feelings you wrote about and what you was discovering about yourself, it was like you was telling my story too.  I went through the same feelings, self analysis and self discovery.  Good post dude.  I look forward to reading the rest and welcome back.

[Santanger]

Excellent post John O!!!  Cant wait to read Part III

[papi]

I can empathize...also looking forward to the epilogue

[Looking4Wife]

John O.:

Good story so far.  I'm sure many people can relate.

[doombug]

Welcome back, John O.

Since joining PlanetLove, I've never read anything near as flawless as what you wrote. Beyond your story and opening up, that's some downright awesome scribing.

"X was one of the nicer ladies I’d met in Colombia, and though much time had passed, her patience, acceptance and dogged determination kept alive our thread of communication."

Great stuff.

Many props to ya.

[rpcv]

I think it was Rigo, a friend and the owner of Cali's Hostal San Fernando who first suggested that the best way to accomplish my goal was to live in Colombia at least six months. There are several men who have done this. I certainly could have found a teaching job in Cali, but it would have disrupted my work and life in the other Cali(fornia), so I put it off.

Nice post John O! I had these same thoughts (regarding living in Colombia) that I posted on my trip report. Being there in the country for that amount of time is well worth it in my opinion. A woman might seem to be the perfect one if you only see her for a week here, a week there, etc. But if you are living there for 3-6 months, it's easier to see if the two of you are really compatible for each other.