Correspondence with foreign women

[jm21-2]

How many pages/hours of letters/chatting would be expected before a foreign Asian woman would start to get serious? I've been chatting with a Korean girl from CA for quite a while and her lack of seriousness/decisiveness at times is driving me nuts...I know I tend to jump the gun/pre-judge people a bit, but we've chatted an easy 200+ hours and that doesn't seem to mean anything to her (but quite a bit to me).

Am I wanting to go too far, too fast? Not asking her to marry me or anything close, but sometimes it seems like she doesn't care at all about trying to have any sort of romantic relationship whatsoever (despite saying she liked me fairly early on). I'm pretty impatient and single-minded, and really like her, and it's driving me nuts that she seems to be so uninterested sometimes (encouraging me to find other girls). Would a foreign Asian girl act this way?

Sorry if the seems like a rant.

[catz]

jm,

 First: Until you have met her in person and spent some time with her you do not have a romantic relationship. You are pen pals. Also, until you go there she is being very smart in keeping you at a distance. Perhaps she has had other men chat/write and proclaim feelings and then disappear so she has learned to not get her hopes up/feelings involved until she sees some real action on your part.

 Second: Impatience is the absolute worst thing you can be if you are even remotely considering a foreign relationship/marriage. Ask anyone who has been doing this or is now married and they will all tell you that it takes more patience and understanding than you could have ever realized you had.

 Good luck! It sounds like you will need it.

Catz

[Montrealer]

I'll echo what Catz said.  You need to go and see her to see if a romantic relationship is actually possible.  After 200+ hours of chat she probably considers you a good friend and nothing more if you have not made an effort to move the relationship up a step.

Hop on a plane and go and see her if you are really that interested, it's the one way you'll get a more definate answer.

[Ray]

jm,

She’s in California and you’re in California? She can’t be that far away. Have you ever called her on the phone? Asked her for a date?

Maybe she’s married or already has a boyfriend(?). Ask her for her phone number and I think you’ll find out real quick if she has any interest at all in trying a real relationship, as opposed to an on-line fantasy friendship.

“Would a foreign Asian girl act this way?” Sure, why not?

[jm21-2]

I've told her I'd like to fly down and meet up, and hinted at it a few other times (I'm living in OR now, Ray). She always just says something like "that's sweet" or "see how sweet you are?" or something like that, and backs off the topic though. I get the impression she's had several short-lived relationships in the past couple years and is taking things as slow as she possibly can.

Was more wondering how normal it was for a girl not wanting to meet up after that amount of time, though that wasn't clear at all from my OP. I get the feeling that if she actually does have feelings for me, she still won't want to meet up for several more months, if not longer. That just seems like quite a while to cultivate things to me, before actually meeting the person, but maybe it's not.

EDIT:
Sorry that I've been so inarticulate in this thread. Just can't seem to get things out the way I want on this topic...she's very shy/quiet too (we've been chatting so much because she feels more talkative/free to express herself in writing). Just at sort of a peak of frustration, spending so much time talking with her, and not being sure at all how she feels (is she just taking things really slow, or is she uninterested? Sometimes I think one, sometimes the other). Guess that's probably normal, but new to me.

[Ray]

Just at sort of a peak of frustration, spending so much time talking with her, and not being sure at all how she feels (is she just taking things really slow, or is she uninterested? Sometimes I think one, sometimes the other).

Or you might consider other reasons besides non-interest or wanting to take things slow.

Was she born and raised here or is she a recent immigrant? How long have you two been chatting?

I think one area where you can probably generalize about Asian women is in courtship practices. I've found that "most" Asian ladies will never make a first move romantically but will always expect the man to take the lead. She may be definitely interested and is getting tired of waiting for you to step things up a notch.

Or maybe she has concerns about the race issue, especially if her family is very traditional.

Or maybe she is already taken and not available for a romantic relationship.

I guess you'll never know unless you give it a shot. If you think she is definitely worth pursuing so far, then why not make your move and see what happens. Ask for her phone number, call her up and TELL her you are coming down to see her, and give her a date. If necessary, give her two or three chances so she can pretend to play hard-to-get. If she keeps making excuses and putting you off, you'll have your answer that she isn't interested in more than an on-line friendship.

[jm21-2]

Or you might consider other reasons besides non-interest or wanting to take things slow.

Was she born and raised here or is she a recent immigrant? How long have you two been chatting?

I think one area where you can probably generalize about Asian women is in courtship practices. I've found that "most" Asian ladies will never make a first move romantically but will always expect the man to take the lead. She may be definitely interested and is getting tired of waiting for you to step things up a notch.

Or maybe she has concerns about the race issue, especially if her family is very traditional.

Or maybe she is already taken and not available for a romantic relationship.

I guess you'll never know unless you give it a shot. If you think she is definitely worth pursuing so far, then why not make your move and see what happens. Ask for her phone number, call her up and TELL her you are coming down to see her, and give her a date. If necessary, give her two or three chances so she can pretend to play hard-to-get. If she keeps making excuses and putting you off, you'll have your answer that she isn't interested in more than an on-line friendship.

Well, she came over in middle school, but was raised by her great-aunt here. I think she's traditional in some ways, but waiting for the first move doesn't really seem to be one of them (online at least). Maybe I'm mis-perceiving that, but thinking about it, I get the feeling from her, "my pace or no pace" sometimes, and she made an "official" move first. I think because she's a bit older and more experienced than me she's taken a bit of the lead. She thinks I'm too serious with her sometimes though, so I think trying to force a move might not be a good idea (though I'm not really sure on that one...maybe try in a bit if it looks really dismal...)

I don't think race is an issue for her (at least in a bad way), as far as I go, though she has a sprinkling of prejudices.

She says she hasn't been in a serious relationship for a long time, and judging from how often and the times we talk, it would be surprising that she was attached unless the guy is overseas or something.

She was planning on making a trip up to OR since before I met her, sometime this winter (she says she wants to move to the NW eventually), so she might be waiting for that...hard to tell.

I think part of it too is that she wants to go to graduate school next fall and so is a bit gun-shy, especially when she's not sure where she'll be accepted.

Well, she has her reasons for taking things slow, and I guess we've only known each other for a bit over 3 months, so maybe it's still pretty early for a domestic relationship...maybe I'm just venting here. Suppose I just need to learn some patience. She seems to play her cards VERY close though, which can be pretty damn confusing when communication is all you have.

[Montrealer]

Jim,
If you want a more definate answer, then you will have to hop down and see her.  That is the only way you can really judge better whether she's interested in you.

Go to expedia, buy your ticket today, and tell her tonight that you have the ticket and you will see her this weekend.  If she comes up with an excuse, then you could almost be certain of where you stand.  If your afraid of this tactic being seen as to "pushy", then tell her your going down for something else, maybe work, and you want to see her.  Sometimes you need to do what Nike says and "Just Do It!"

Let us know how it went when you come back Monday.

[Jeff S]

She thinks I'm too serious with her sometimes though, so I think trying to force a move might not be a good idea

All women get resistant when you push too hard. If you really want to reel her in, back off, tease her a bit and show more casual confidence with some humor thrown in. Being too serious makes you look like a desparate wussy to her, and nothing turns off the attraction and turns on the eeeewwww factor in women like being pushy and serious.

As others have suggested, she very well may have a lot of anti gaijin programming by her family. Plenty of young Asian girls, especially transplants to the US, have had a racist bias crammed down their throats since birth. She also may be taken, or may just be playing with you. Until you meet you can't really tell.

- Jeff

[jm21-2]

Well, thanks all for the advice. Brought up the subject again with her though and she pretty straightforwardly and adamantly told me she didn't want to get into anything physical until we were in a position where we could see each other frequently. So I guess I either drop the whole thing, or try to convince her the other way, or hope she gets accepted to grad school up here in OR and decides to move. Well, I can understand her for the most part...the long-distance thing is hard to work out when neither of us have much control over our mobility for the next 2 years at the least.

[drjoker69]

You said, "...she didn't want to get into anything physical until we were in a position where we could see each other frequently." Dude, that's Asian-speak for, "See me frequently and I will get physical with you!!!" Asians never show affection in public and they play hard to get, REAL HARD TO GET. Many Asians will remain virgins until marriage (or at least claim that they are a virgin at marriage). No self-respecting Asian girl is going to say, "Cum to Cali, I luv u long time!" What she said to you is practically an invitation to go to California to F*ck her brains out. The proper answer is, "Yes, I am cumming to California to see you every weekend! I have just purchased a dozen plane tickets from Southwest Airlines. See you this weekend!"

Get off your computer pecking azz and go git ya some sweet p*ssy, man!

P.S. I know that this message was a bit tongue-in-cheek, but seriously, go see her! Tell her you will visit her every weekend. She has practically invited you to go visit her in Asian-speak.

[william3rd]

Hmmm- somebody is approaching the ignore zone real quick. Since are making the critical error of mixing all persons east of Arizona under the blanket of Asians, I really dont think you know what you are talking about. Why dont you run along and see Mr. Cupid and then write a nice trip report about your experience? It should be illuminating to those of us who are here more regularly.

[drjoker69]

mixing all persons east of Arizona under the blanket of Asians,

Dude, chill. I wasn't being racist. Like I said, I was being tongue-in-cheek (definition: ironic or facetious joke. http://www.answers.com/topic/tongue-in-cheek ). The point I was making was simply this.... The girl wants to see him, but is playing hard to get. He just needs to buy a plane ticket. Don't put any pressure on the girl. Just meet her for a cup of coffee at Starbucks, nothing more. Tell her you're in town to have some touristy fun so that you won't pressure her by letting her think that you're in town just for her. Yeah, I know, whoever heard of buying a plane ticket just to drink a cup of coffee.... The meeting for coffee is just to get the foot in the door. You apply the pressure and make your sales pitch at Starbucks, man. Good luck!

By the way, William, have a Merry Christmas, man. I wish you were in a bar, so I could buy you a drink. A nice cold beer always smooths over any misunderstandings.

Cheers,
Drjoker69.

[william3rd]

You can find me in Bangkok, Udon, Los Angeles, or Kiev. LA right now. I will stand you to the second round. . . .

Merry Christmas!!!!

[jm21-2]

Dude, chill. I wasn't being racist. Like I said, I was being tongue-in-cheek (definition: ironic or facetious joke. http://www.answers.com/topic/tongue-in-cheek ). The point I was making was simply this.... The girl wants to see him, but is playing hard to get. He just needs to buy a plane ticket. Don't put any pressure on the girl. Just meet her for a cup of coffee at Starbucks, nothing more. Tell her you're in town to have some touristy fun so that you won't pressure her by letting her think that you're in town just for her. Yeah, I know, whoever heard of buying a plane ticket just to drink a cup of coffee.... The meeting for coffee is just to get the foot in the door. You apply the pressure and make your sales pitch at Starbucks, man. Good luck!

Haha, she was actually very blunt/forward/open talking about sex...just trust me on that one...she said she would want to have sex (and lots of it) if we met and there was chemistry in person, and she didn't want that.

And a girl thinking a student is touring or on business in LA (which she knows is a city he really doesn't like) for the weekend? HMM...awfully suspicious there, hahaha.

Anyways, we got into a couple big fights in rapid succession and decided to call it off. I've kept in touch with her since a bit though. She got on some personals site, has been chatting with a guy for about a month now, and is extremely nervous about even meeting him for coffee (he lives about 3 miles from her), so it seems the norm for her...

[Ray]

Thanks for the update jm...