Member Advice Request

[Hopeful]

I am new to this forum as well as the entire process of looking for a non-USA wife. I have always appreciated the beauty and grace of Asian ladies, and now after a 15 year marriage with 3 children (ages 15, 8 & 6) that resulted in divorce, I have primary custody of my children and I am ready to proceed with looking for a new life partner.  After my divorce, I began a relationship with a seemingly smart (we are both doctors), beautiful, hardworking and committed woman who recently turned 33. I just turned 40 last Friday.

The first year was wonderful and I allowed her to become an integral part of my families life- she takes good care of the kids, helps them with school, cooks (less and less frequently now), etc but now over the past 12 months she has begun to do all kinds of crazy woman stuff that I never expected nor wanted that has left me in a place of non-trust and wanting to move on to a better relationship for my children and I.

I am looking for advice from experienced individuals as it relates to my children and how to best deal with looking for the right kind of person to not only be good for me, but them as well. Is it a good idea to bring a foreign wife into a family with young children in the respect of communication issues, cultural issues, etc?  If it were all about me, I would hop on a plane right away to begin my "search the world over" as I have the financial resources to spend visiting various countries as I have seen suggested here on many occasions.  I have to limit my endeavors however due to the responsibility and committment I have for my children.  Any and all help much appreciated!!

[Bubba]

Not an answer to your children question BUT don't make mention of how much money you have and make or when you meet some of these woman you could easily get a pretender.

[Hopeful]

Thanks for advice Bubba, but I am already DEAD SET on not revealing my true financial picture until I have found the "right one". Kinda like an "Oh by the way my little sweet...."

[Beattledog]

i agree, never tell a woman your financial status, like Art Bell, the radio host  who married a woman from Manila

Beattledog

[Montrealer]

A suggestion for the kids issue.

I would suggest getting a writing/phone relationship first with at least a few women.  Make your situation known early on that you have primary custody of your children.  If there still around, then they are at least not scared away.  Then go and visit the women, and try to bring up in a conversation how they would be as step-mothers, and also what you're looking for in a step-mother to your children.  If it's a match, then great, if not at least you didn't find out the hard way.

When dealing with step-children and step-moms, it can be like walking on eggshells.  How much discipline do want her to have?  What parenting methods do you want her to use?  Are those methods that she will feel comfortable with?  What if you have another child with her, she may want some of her own, will her children be treated differently?  These are just some concerns you might want to bring up with her.

Then you might have issues with your own kids.  Will they respect her even though "she's not their real mommy"?  Are they ready for a step-mom, as some kids carry hopes that real mommy and daddy will get back together?  Are your kids the type that might try to take advantage of her in situations if they see the opportunity?

In conclusion, follow these steps and you have done everything possible, I believe, to make things work out for the best.

1-Ssee if kids are ready for a new mommy?  Treat them like adults when you are talking with them.
2-Write to ladies, explain early on your situation.
3-Meet a few ladies that you have broken the ice with, and talk about child rearing techniques and possible future children.
4-Never share financial information.
5-If you find someone who is agreeable and that you would like to marry, I suggest bringing them to the US on a fiancee visa, so both sides, kids and her, can see how they really feel and how they interact.

Good luck.

[Hopeful]

Thanks for input Montrealer, much appreciated. Any advice for where to find websites for good info about the culture and the differences in women from countries like China, Thailand, Vietnam so that I may communicate most effectively and better understand their customs?

[Hopeful]

Thanks for input Montrealer, much appreciated. Any advice for where to find websites for good info about the culture and the differences in women from countries like China, Thailand, Vietnam so that I may communicate most effectively and better understand their customs?

Also, regarding the idea of bringing them here on a fiancee visa- what happens if it does not work out? Does the US gov make them leave or what?

OOPS!! Sorry but I just double posted the last reply.

[Montrealer]

I'm a latin man myself, so I couldn't help you with the Asian market, but I think there are quite a few out there.  Maybe try a little bit of different ones to see where you get a good response from.

As for immigration, member Ray is the local expert on immigration issues, so hopefully he'll pop in and give a good answer.  I'm a canuck from the north, so I wouldn't know where to start for helping you.  But I think you have to marry within 90 days or she is then considered to be in the country illegally.  Again, Ray would be the better man to ask.

Have you talked to your children yet about what you are planning to do?  How'd they respond?

[Ray]

Hopeful,

Please correct me if I misunderstood, but from your description of your situation it sounds like you are still involved with the 33-year-old and you haven’t yet broken it off. If this is the case, I recommend you terminate your current relationship first and give yourself a little time to make sure you’re over it before you start any serious search for a wife.

In the meant time, take a look at some different cultures and then pick a country. Study up on the country and it’s culture until you are ready to start some serious communications with foreign ladies.

Bringing a new woman in to your life after a divorce is “usually” going to cause some problems for your children, especially if you keep switching ladies just when they adjust to the new female in the home. When the new lady is of a different culture, the problems are usually compounded. Just the differences in foods between different cultures can cause problems for the adults involved but it will probably be much harder for the kids to adjust to. Will your kids eat fish heads, weeds, and rice, or will she have to cook two meals, one for herself and one for your family?

As far as your question about fiancée visas and what happens if it doesn’t work out after she arrives, I guess it depends mostly on what she wants to do. If you haven’t married within the prescribed 90 days, the law says she has to leave. If you don’t stay married for at least two years, the law says she may have to leave.

COMMENTARY: In actual practice, with very few exceptions, the government doesn’t make anyone leave. The government has been emasculated to the point that it hasn’t got the balls to deport anyone anymore, evidence the 25+ million illegals in the country now and the incessant whining that it isn't practical to deport them. In reality, if you can make it past the border, you are home free and you can simply go about your life until the bleeding hearts pass another amnesty bill to give away free citizenship to any illegal who wants it. So to answer your question, no the U.S. Government won’t make them leave. (end rant)

Ray

[Beattledog]

that is the problem, we no not deport any illegal immigrant anymore.  it is time that we do this

beattledog

[Montrealer]

Here's what one person can do to help eliminate illegals.

Click the link to open a new window, then click the green button that says 'watch now' for a video about how to help get rid of illegals.

Illegal clean-up!