jokes / chistes

[InnocentVixen]

just wanted to share of a joke that thought you guys might like...

- Father, ¡I am a Prostitute!!!

- What? Get out of this house immediately!

- You know we are catholic you shameless girl.

- Yes father, I know... just came over to leave mom the title of a house in Miami Beach and to you dad, an account with

€500.000 and the keys of a Bmw 0 Kms.

- In what did you say you are working?
- As a PROSTITUTE, father.
- Phew! My god, I thought you said PROTESTANT!, no worries baby, this is your house!

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here is the original in spanish:

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- Papá, ¡soy Prostituta!!!
- ¿Cómo? ¡Lárgate inmediatamente de esta casa!
- Sabes que somos católicos, sinvergüenza.
- Si Papá, ya sé... solo vine a dejarle a mamá las escrituras de una casa Miami Beach
y a ti papá una cuenta de €500.000 y las llaves de un Bmw 0 Kms.
- ¿En qué dijiste que trabajabas?
- Como PROSTITUTA, papá.
- ¡Uf! Qué susto, entendí ¡PROTESTANTE!, no pasa nada cariño, ¡ésta es tu casa!

[michaelb]

That's not a Mexican joke, that's an old Mick (Irish) joke. Here's one back at you.

Patrick: Wait for me here a couple of minutes, I want to go to confession.
Michael: OK, I'll wait.
Patrick: (goes into confessional booth) Bless me father, for I have sinned. I have committed the sin of adultery.
Priest: And with whom did you commit this sin, my son?
Patrick: I can't say, Father.
Priest: Come, come now, you must tell me or I can't grant absolution.
Patrick: I really can't tell you.
Priest: Was it Maggie O'Connell?
Patrick: Please, Father, I really can't say.
Priest: Sure then, it was that Bridget O'Toole, then, wasn't it?
Patrick: I can't tell.
Priest: Then it must have been Marry Higgins, wasn't it?
Patrick: For the last time, Father, I can't say.
Priest: Well, I'm afraid that if you won't tell me the particulars of your sins, then I can't grant absolution. Come back when you're ready to tell the details.
Patrick: OK, Father (leaves confessional booth, rejoins Michael outside the church)

Michael: So, how did confession go? Did you get absolution?
Patrick: No. But I got three great prospects.

[V_Man]

 An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest, fingers crossed.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"


  An old man bursts into a priest's study and says, " I've got to tell you this. I'm 50 years old and for the thirty years I've been married I never cheated on my wife. Then this sweet thing moved in next door and since then.....wow!"
 "How long has it been since your last Confession ?" asks the priest.
"I've never been to Confession. I'm Jewish"
"Then why are you telling me this?"
 "I'm telling everyone!"

 
 Q: What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

 
  Two nuns are walking down an alley at night. Two guys jump out and start raping them.
The first nun looks to heaven and says, "Forgive them Father, for they know not what they're doing."
The second nun looks up and says, "This one does!"



That last one was a step too far wasn't it?
Sorry. I'll stop now before I tell you the one about 'suspicion'. 

 

[benjio]

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest, fingers crossed.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"


  An old man bursts into a priest's study and says, " I've got to tell you this. I'm 50 years old and for the thirty years I've been married I never cheated on my wife. Then this sweet thing moved in next door and since then.....wow!"
 "How long has it been since your last Confession ?" asks the priest.
"I've never been to Confession. I'm Jewish"
"Then why are you telling me this?"
 "I'm telling everyone!"

 
 Q: What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

 
  Two nuns are walking down an alley at night. Two guys jump out and start raping them.
The first nun looks to heaven and says, "Forgive them Father, for they know not what they're doing."
The second nun looks up and says, "This one does!"



That last one was a step too far wasn't it?
Sorry. I'll stop now before I tell you the one about 'suspicion'. 

 

Not too far at all V_Man! You just gave me some bar jokes for this weekend!!! LOL!