Costeno Logic....

[Alabamaboy!]

I have a lot of experience with people from different countries and cultures. Through travel, work, and places where I have lived.

But the Costenos de Colombia are some of the most interesting people I have ever met. They way they think sometimes is fascinating. At first glance it seems to be completely without rhyme or reason, as if they are living in a fog and their lives are [snip] because of all the crazy things they do and how they think. But as I go on with my relationship with my wife and meet more and more people from the Coast it seems like their way of thinking and living is a way to COPE with the reality of living in a place as nasty as Barranquilla or Soledad. AND THIS IS JUST GENERALLY SPEAKING BECAUSE I KNOW THAT SOME GUYS HERE HAVE COSTENAS WHICH DO NOT SEEM TO BE THE "NORM".

The emphasis on "la rumba" is large. But it is not for some devilish reason. I think it is because the rest of their life sucks so much. The reason why they lie so much is because it is the only way they can cope with life there. They will be with a guy who cheats on them repeatedly and right in front of their face, because in reality, after they have already had 3-4 kids to the guy and are in their 40's or beyond, what is the alternative? There are not very many good ones. So they ignore it, put their attention to their kids, the rest of the family and just try to avoid thinking about it.

My wife wants me to believe every single thing she says. Even though I know that she has lied in the past and that every Costeno I have known has been a liar. I just accept it as part of the culture at this point. And I have not ever busted her on any kind of big time, horrible lie, so I try not to get so crazy about it. But when you try to have a logical discussion with her, it is useless. When she becomes exasperated that I don't believe ever single word from her mouth I explain that it is because she has lied before so I don't believe [snip] until I see it with my eyes. I ask her in return, " so if you busted me 10 out of 10 times cheating on you whenever I go out for a night on the town with my Colombian friend here in the States....and I tell you I am going to hit the streets of Mexicali with him for a boy's night out....are you going to trust me and believe my story when I come home the next morning smelling like another woman?" And she replied that she would believe any story I tell her because I am her husband and she trusts me!!!!!! She is crazy. But I love her.

Or another great example I have given here on the forum at other times: One time my wife promised to do something for the relationship. In the end I kept pressuring her to tell the truth regarding that thing because it seemed to me that she had not done that particular thing. In the end, she said she did not do it. And instead did the opposite. So I was pretty pissed off and called her a liar. But without hesitation she explained to me that she was not lying.....that she simply changed her mind. That when she made the promise she was sincere. But a couple days later she just changed her mind, and neglected to tell me about it. That's all. No big deal. That she was actually the most honest person I will ever meet. Somehow, in some twisted way, I think she may be right.  Crazy costenas.

I guess if you are going to get involved with a Costena, you have to take the good with the bad.

[beginthebeguin]

NOW, you tell me. Oye Vey!.   

[raycjs]

AB,
 
i have been with a great Costena and i can tell you over the past 2.5 years
the positive out ways the negatives. you tell some very funny stories and i have to admit i get great enjoyment reading your post. i can tell you this and i think you have to agree with me about costenas and the way they where raised my girl has my back and will do whatever it takes to make sure everyone knows she is with me and i am her man. i have never been with a women like this. i will take this type of women over any others i have been with. as far as the lies i have never caught my girl lying about a very important issue. if we our talking about little white lies i think we all could be guilt of that..... but out right lying to your face over a very serious issue
i would find that very hard to believe. i can tell you for a fact that my girl being a costena and coming from a very small town would rather live in a country small town then any large city and over the past 2 plus years we have been to a few of the cities i have lived and when we get home she tells me she would live there if she had to just to be with me but she prefers where we live today then any place i have lived before her.
so i have to say i would take a Costena over any other.... again this is just my opinion and my personal preference
 
Ray

[Alabamaboy!]

the positive out ways the negatives. you tell some very funny stories and i have to admit i get great enjoyment reading your post. i can tell you this and i think you have to agree with me about costenas and the way they where raised my girl has my back and will do whatever it takes to make sure everyone knows she is with me and i am her man

You are right on the money with this one. This is the main reason I am with her.

so i have to say i would take a Costena over any other

Again, I agree 100%.

[whitey]

They will be with a guy who cheats on them repeatedly and right in front of their face, because in reality, after they have already had 3-4 kids to the guy and are in their 40's or beyond, what is the alternative? There are not very many good ones. So they ignore it, put their attention to their kids, the rest of the family and just try to avoid thinking about it.

Yes, I've seen this at work in my wife's (large, extended) family.  Cheating is so prevalent on the coast, and the opportunities for women so bad, that there is a wilfull ignornance of the truth as a survival mechanism.

One story that comes to mind was my wife describing how this married guy's girlfriend came over to the house, all ticked off and demanding money in front of the maid because I guess he wasn't keeping up his end of the bargain.  The family was outraged that this women would come to the house and disrespect the family in this way.  The guy of course gets off blame free. 

The sad thing is that it's not just the optionless, 40+ year old woman with 3-4 kids that put up with the cheating.  My wife has told me numerous stories about the young women in her office at the bank (educated and employed women), who keep taking their boyfriends back after they cheat, and usually eventually marry them.   

[fathertime]

I guess if you are going to get involved with a Costena, you have to take the good with the bad.

But it is mostly good!  There is a gap in logic sometimes, but you know I found that it narrows over time.


Fathertime! 

[Alabamaboy!]

Well fellas, I guess this will be the last you hear from me for awhile. My wife was telling me that she heard from someone that I was writing derogatory things about Colombians, Costenas, etc. So I imagine someone left their browser open or whatever thing. Anyway, if my sweet wife or any other member of the family or whoever is reading this, I stand by every comment I have made 100%. I will say it again that almost all Costenos I have met have significant personality flaws, but that they are still the best I have met for me. And I also admit that I am not perfect either. So if they want to think they are little angels or something, well we need to get that out on the table now, before I make any more mistakes. I thought I was posting here anonymously, but I guess someone let the cat out of the bag. So now there is major drama that threatens the whole relationship because we are ready to roll at the Embassy, very, very soon.

So to all you lurkers out there. Keep on lurking. And try to stay anonymous, or you might find yourself in a similar mess. 

Good luck to everyone.

[Gato4Astrid]

The sad thing is that it's not just the optionless, 40+ year old woman with 3-4 kids that put up with the cheating.  My wife has told me numerous stories about the young women in her office at the bank (educated and employed women), who keep taking their boyfriends back after they cheat, and usually eventually marry them.

I have heard that too!  Even from these ladies whom I have spoken to in the past. 

[raycjs]

AB,
 
all will work out as long as you have patience with your new wife, she is a good women and everything will work out. i would not walk away from the site just because someone said or wrote something that bothered another person. i would just watch what you say on a public site.
 
best of luck to you with your new wife, i wish you the best
 
Ray

[whitey]

Best of luck with the interviews, AB ... hope this isn't the last we hear from you ...

[JWR]

Alabama,
If it goes down for such a small issue, just let it go.
The challenges you face ahead with living with her in this country are far more significant, and if you can't get through this together, then move along.
And I agree that in Colombia they have a different definition of "truth" then the one we hold.  I've seen it time and time again that Colombians will adjust the truth to fit the situation.  Mostly to smooth things over, when there is risk of conflict.  In a country with so much violence, that is no surprise when you think of it.
Hope things work out for you.
 

Well fellas, I guess this will be the last you hear from me for awhile. My wife was telling me that she heard from someone that I was writing derogatory things about Colombians, Costenas, etc. So I imagine someone left their browser open or whatever thing. Anyway, if my sweet wife or any other member of the family or whoever is reading this, I stand by every comment I have made 100%. I will say it again that almost all Costenos I have met have significant personality flaws, but that they are still the best I have met for me. And I also admit that I am not perfect either. So if they want to think they are little angels or something, well we need to get that out on the table now, before I make any more mistakes. I thought I was posting here anonymously, but I guess someone let the cat out of the bag. So now there is major drama that threatens the whole relationship because we are ready to roll at the Embassy, very, very soon.

So to all you lurkers out there. Keep on lurking. And try to stay anonymous, or you might find yourself in a similar mess. 

Good luck to everyone.

[opusone]

Well fellas, I guess this will be the last you hear from me for awhile. My wife was telling me that she heard from someone that I was writing derogatory things about Colombians, Costenas, etc. So I imagine someone left their browser open or whatever thing. Anyway, if my sweet wife or any other member of the family or whoever is reading this, I stand by every comment I have made 100%. I will say it again that almost all Costenos I have met have significant personality flaws, but that they are still the best I have met for me. And I also admit that I am not perfect either. So if they want to think they are little angels or something, well we need to get that out on the table now, before I make any more mistakes. I thought I was posting here anonymously, but I guess someone let the cat out of the bag. So now there is major drama that threatens the whole relationship because we are ready to roll at the Embassy, very, very soon.

So to all you lurkers out there. Keep on lurking. And try to stay anonymous, or you might find yourself in a similar mess. 

Good luck to everyone.

Oh wow. This is not good AB. I don't know if this the only website you post from , but that is strange that she would get that kind of information.   Was it recently you bought her a computer? I hate to say this, latinas in general (and I hate to generalize but we all do) are not very forgiving or at least not easy to forget when they think there was something said that could be interpreted as criticizing them or their culture albeit constructive. Hope it works out, but if it doesn't , hopefully you can pull  thru quickly and find another one.


Sincerely,
Opus

[robert angel]

A.B.,
I can't imagine they would want to make a mess of this after all you've been through in the past two years. Then again, I don't understand the culture down there and pride can be a terrible thing.
 
The way I see it--having followed your posts here for a number of years, is that you have your heart in the right place. You call things as you see them, without trying to put a sugar coating on your words, but I have never had any doubt that you didn't love the people and the nation of Colombia.
 
You and I don't like everything about the USA either and we have complained many times about our OWN nation and it's people.
But that doesn't mean we don't love our country--it is like a mariage, but instead we are looking at our relationship with our country instead---it is for 'better or worse'--for 'richer or poorer'.
 
So you have expressed about another country thoughts and feelings in away you have described your own country? Does that make you bad? I think not. I think that it makes you honest and open minded.
 
More important than your words are your ACTIONS. You have visited, gone through a lot of troubles and spent a lot of money, felt many different emotions and you have not abandoned Colombia,  your children or the values you hold.
 
I hope that all sides come to an agreement here and see that your heart in these matters is good. When people go picking out certain words and sentences and trying to make you into some bad man--that is wrong, wrong, wrong.
 
It sounds like some other people are trying hard to ruin things--to pull you apart.
 
What is love without understanding and forgiveness? If you don't have those things, you don't really have love.
 
You and I have also had fights, but that didn't stop me from realizing I was seeing you in the wrong way. You have earned respect from more people than just me!