Journey's over

[Researcher]

       I was wondering the same...where's Whitey?

                                                             


      Researcher

[fathertime]

I must say PL Whitey really does have that hardened criminal look about him...I can see him being one of the world's most wanted man, that is probably why he scored such a nice looking babe!




Fathertime!

[chizz]

To reduce the success of complex interpersonal relationships down to time knowing the person before marriage as being the predominate indicator of success is flawed. No one here that I read suggested one should marry a person they do not know however, you can know a person for 2 weeks, 2 years, 4 years, that person can and will change, that is reality, a person needs to be sure they have done the best job they can do in selecting their wife and go from there. As humans, we are constantly growing, learning, evolving, just the way it is. A better question in my opinion would be qualitative, like, what does she think about kids, money, religion, how does she relate to her parents, friends, family, how is she when you all are out, is she hard working, what kind of life does she want, can she handle leaving her country, etc. Whatever amount of time it takes for a person to exercise good judgement should be taken, and will vary based on each unique situation, each unique person. So, to approach it from, how many trips have you taken is a flawed approach in my estimation, I am more concerned with the substance. To say how many trips have you taken to me suggests that a person can discover this in a certain amount of trips, 2, 4, 6, 8, some people are clueless, lack observation skills and judgement, some people are skilled at human behavior and evaluating people and situations. Chizz is a detective, been at it for a while, 2003, met the one for him, I will put my chips on him.


DL, what's going on man, life on the Lam....they just caught "whitey" bulger, he was living on the lam, I thought about you roaming around Colombia when they kept saying he was living on the Lam...not that you are anything like bulger, I just never heard the phrase living on the Lam before.

Sup Col,
Thanks for compliments. I agree with your assesment. I feel like this whole process of looking for love overseas is on big crapshoot. Contrary to how some may feel, I'm not rushing into anything. I'm not desperate(which could cloud judgment) and I'm thorough. I do agree with Researcher that people can hide problems and such, but if they're good at hiding then there's nothing you can do but have faith.  I'm very confident in my ability to "obtain" information from someone, and believe me, my Novia has been put through the ringer. I take this serious and don't just propose to anyone with a pretty face. Just like I know if someone is not the one for me after a few days, I can tell if someone is after 6 months and 3 visits, and countless conversations. Also, yes "a guys gonna do what a guys gonna do", but people also are gonna think what they're gonna think.
Chizz

[InSanDiego]

Chizz, since you've found a good one, can you share how you qualified this woman. I am going to Barranquilla in August, am a newbie to this process, and want an honest, serious woman who is suitable for marriage. To me, that she respects me is the prerequisite for everything else...

[chizz]

Sup In,
I can certainly try. My approach to finding a woman is probably different than others. Gary Bala gave an outline on here which is a good blueprint to start. If you get a chance to read it, you definately should.
Because I'm investing alot in this process,(time, money and effort) I approach it like I approach my job. Very seriously. I'll use my present girlfriend as an example of how I do this. In the beginning I asked questions, alot of questions. I want to know what it is she wanted in a relationship, I wanted to know why was she looking for an american, I wanted to know about the father of her child, I wanted to know if she had family in the United states, i wanted to know if she ever had an american boyfriend before, etc. What I also liked was she asked me questions also. She was curious about me, and wanted to know what kind of person i was, and what I was looking for in a good woman. I try to keep it basic because I didn't want to help her out if she was a scammer. What I also do early on is tell the girl that I'm thinking about moving to their country because i can retire soon, and list some cities in her country I am looking at. I only do this to gauge her reaction. Depending on her answer she is dismissed or we can continue. This has eliminated a few girls, but these were the obvious ones(scammers). What my novia said was,"If you find true love or if you think I'm the woman you want to be with, the location doesn't matterto me." I liked that answer, but of course anyone can say that. I ended up going to see her two weeks later because I had vacation I had to use. Her house was small and she said she was kind of ashamed because it's probably not what I'm accustomed to. I told her that's silly, and I liked her house. She then showed me the downstairs apartment(two family) and said her family owns it and if we do end up together we could live there. I looked at her and she was dead serious. I liked that, and was impressed. We talked about family and I wanted to know what she thought the ideal family is. She said that she feels the man is the head of the house, and is the leader. My initial thought was, "Yeah right!" I decided to test her on that. So one time we had scheduled to meet in windows messenger at a certain time, and she was 10 minutes late. Not a big deal but I decided to use it. First to show her she wasn't dealing with someone who would accept disrespect and to see how she would handle minor adversity. I told her, "you're late, why?" She said sorry she was talking to a friend outside. I said, "Ok, I need you to understand this. I don't know how things are in Dominican republic, but here in America if you say you're going to be someplace at a certain time then you are there. Talking to your friend is not a good reason to be late, if you're really serious about getting to know me then that is going to have to change, understand?" She said, "Yes, I do, you're right. I'm sorry." This was about 4 months ago, and she's been on time since and when she couldn't she would either text me or call me. This may seem kind of harsh, but in the beginning, I'm looking for anything that would give me pause. I liked how she handled this because anyone can accomodating when things are going good, but when there's adversity, how do they handle it and behave themselves. Her family is also very tight, and loving. They accepted me with open arms and in fact when I go tomorrow, they want me to stay with them and not at the hotel. I might do that.
Another thing I asked was, "You have dated two different men since you broke up with your baby father, obviously they weren't  the right ones for you. They lived there and it was easy for you to find this out, however I live far away what makes you think that i'm a better person for you then they were? She said, "I liked what you said in your profile and how you carry yourself. It is different then the men I've met. You respect me and are considerate of me, my family and my daughter. That is very important to me. They never asked about my family or daughter and you do. I like that." I said, "Good answer." We both laughed.
I also asked, "You are a very beautiful woman, intelligent, and seem very nice. Why are you single? Why don't you want a dominican boyfriend?" She said that she was with her daughter's father for 4 years and left him because he had another woman and had children with her. She also said that she likes dominican men but the men there tend to have more than one girlfriend, and she wanted a man that only wanted to be with her and not other women. I said, "You know, that's what just about what every latina in the agencies say She answered that it is because it's generally true, but I shouldn't judge her by what other women do or say because not all women are the same. When she said that I said, "Well, that could also mean that all dominican men aren't the same also, right?" She said yes, but she hasn't met any that have shown her otherwise. I said ok, understood.
I also wanted to know her perspective about money. I mentioned a couple of hotels prior to making my first trip down there and told her the prices of each. I picked out the most expensive and said I liked it. She said, "No, that's to much money! There are other hotels here that are cheaper." When I was talking with a different latina and asked her what hotel she would recommend, she recommended this same expensive hotel. When I told her it was very expensive she called me tacono. She was dismissed. A good woman is not going to want you to waste alot of money and will be considerate of your expenses like my present novia. She even offered to pay half for my hotel, I politely declined.
My novia also cares about what goes on in my life. We talk everyday, and she always wants to know how my day went, and what I did. We talk, laugh and have a great time. We have dinner on skype at 6:30pm, she insists on seeing me every night. Now that we've been together for about 6 1/2 months, it feels alot longer than that, she's demostrated to me that she isn't a scammer, isn't looking for a green card, and isn't after my money. She's taking it upon herself to take spanish classes, she's paying for them herself, and is improving everyday.
The main thing, though, is just to listen. Eventually, everyone will expose their true self. I guide the conversation to a topic and then just listen. Just like on my job, I take what the latina gives me and work with it. It's never failed me. It's part of the reason it's taking me over 8 years and many trips to get to this point.  Sorry for the length, but wanted to include as many details as possible. I hope this helps,
Chizz

[InSanDiego]

Chizz, thanks alot. Your calling  her on her lateness seems to have really gotten her attention. I truly believe that a woman cannot love a man she does not respect, and credit to you for not tolerating anything less. It sounds like you know exactly what qualities you want instead of settling, which is a  trap we can fall into...Truly, for a gringo to be successful in this, we should be qualifying these women. We're the ones spending the time and money to go over there...And as you say, if you give them enough time they will show their true colors. If she wasn't sincere she wouldn't have passed the challenges you've set for her to get to this point...

[utopiacowboy]

Very good post, Chizz. I like your thinking.

[Researcher]

   I used about the same kind of approach Chizz.I asked alot of questions but then took it one step further:I spent some time with them to see if what they did matched what they said. Many times it didn't.Many people are so used to saying what they think people want to hear that it isn't easy to get to know them by simply talking to them, but it is a good start.

    Researcher

[chizz]

Thanks.
I agree, I know people can say whatever and time should be spent with a person. In my opinion I've spent sufficient time with my girlfriend and based on my experiences and knowledge I see nothing wrong. I could be wrong but it seems like you're implying I haven't spent enough time and I'm only going by conversations. That's not the case, not here. I'm not new to this, and I know what i'm doing. Will keep everyone posted.
Chizz
P.S. She said yes!
 

[Researcher]

    Congrats Chizz!!!

    I only read where you wrote about asking questions.If you feel comfortable with the situation then go for it.I think alot of guys are under the impression that you can really get to know someone by only talking with them, as in via chat online, but my position is that you really don't know anyone until you have actually spent time with them and can observe while they "have their
 guard down and you can really see who they are. That's all.

   Researcher

[V_Man]

Congrats Chizz!!!

[chizz]

    Congrats Chizz!!!

    I only read where you wrote about asking questions.If you feel comfortable with the situation then go for it.I think alot of guys are under the impression that you can really get to know someone by only talking with them, as in via chat online, but my position is that you really don't know anyone until you have actually spent time with them and can observe while they "have their
 guard down and you can really see who they are. That's all.

   Researcher

I couldn't agree with you more. Nothing can replace spending time with the person. You hit the nail on the head with "observe while they have their guard down and you can really see who they are." I feel the exact same way, and thanks again.
You're welcome, Ins. I hope it was helpful. It's kind of hard explaining how to do something like this, so I try my best to explain with examples.
Thanks UC, and V_man. I really do appreciate the support.
Chizz