What to discuss BEFORE the engagement & marriage

[Howard]

Hey Robert,
 
Nice topic... it's good to have this convesation every now and then for the newbies.
 
My answer is EVERYTHING!  I told Gerlie everything I could think of that might come up when she got here.
 
I joke with my friends that I did everything I could to talk her OUT of marrying me, just to make sure that she knew what she was getting into
 
I was just as honest as I could be about my life and the potential life she was siging up for.  Of COURSE it wasn't all bad, but I did my best to remind her that I was a 38yr batchelor very set in his ways.  She has done a great job of polishing me up in the last 10 years - 2yrs courting/engaged/immigrating, 8 yrs marital bliss   Heck, I might even be a catch now   LOL
 
Good Topic!
 
Keep the Faith!
 
H

[robert angel]

Heya Howard,

 
Whatever brings you back to P-L is good, as far as I'm concerned! I can definitely relate to what you write. I tried to talk my now wife out of considering me as serious 'marriage material'

 
I was honest about myself and 'situation'--so was she and while I wouldn't recommend this, as it's a very unlikely scenario, she and I were 'friends' for a very long time --over two years, before having each gone through other relationships, we ran out of excuses and got 'serious'.

 
In the meantime, I told her horror stories about me and my bachelor ways, was honest about my sons and how different they were compared to Filipino boys and more. She saw on cam how my home was pretty much always a mess and instead of being repulsed, would comment on how she wished she could clean it up, w/o making suggestions or comments like "Where did you get that tacky bed blanket, on your unmade bed, that's always covered with newspapers, magazines and paper plates?" or "ever heard of curtains--ever iron your clothes?"

 
In my bachelor mind, I was comfortable, my sons and I happy as pigs in slip, in our own 'man cave'.

 
You've got a couple years on us Howard, but hopefully like you and Gerlie, we'll make it to eight years some day--one day at a time. It hasn't all been perfect. In fact it's work sometimes, finding and maintaining balance, while things family, economic and things otherwise, are always changing.

 
My older son really tried to throw a monkey wrench into things--giving us hell, but after a while, even he came around, my younger son liked her from the first hello. Really my sons first developed a great deal of respect at how she handled things with quiet, yet strong dignity. worked hard at everything she did and still smiled more than any of us. Being smart--'common sensical'--she was very careful not to remotely act like she was trying to 'replace' their mom.
 
It's very hard, but if you're bringing kids from a previous marriage, you really need too discuss them and make a pact to not let them divide you.
 

She has seen them grow up physically and mentally and they not only respect her, but there's a great deal of affection too. I just got off the phone with my 20 y/o to remind him that if he wants to pass his college Math class, she'd be happy to help him.

 
I guess I have grown up a bit myself--as you say--I've taken a bit of a 'polishing' myself and while she also does it in her typical quiet way, whether it's how I look or what I say or don't say or do, she's there on the sidelines, not bitchin, but trying to make the whole kabang better.
 

Don't think she's always meek, mild and quiet--give her a good reason and she'll stand her ground and give me an earful, but I think this probably goes for 98% of the women world wide out there--we need to remember to make them LAUGH sometimes--a house without laughter probably isn't much of a home.
 

When I hear her on the phone with her family or with her Filipina friends becoming more animated, laughing really hard, I remind myself of that fact. Especially when you're dealing with family, school  and work dramas, it's easy to overlook the need to make light of things or at least to take some private time for yourselves, away from life's dramas.  Sometimes we make plans for the future, some maybe 'pipe dreams', but at least we can dream, pray and make wishes together.

 
Life in the USA, even if you have more money--is all too often NOT accompanied by more laughter. Maybe some of the best times we have are after the lights are out (PG rated here) and we talk about funny things from our childhoods, other stories and sometimes silly jokes and riddles.
 
The best stuff doesn't cost a dime, but it's priceless!
 
Yea--I can't believe it sometimes. Some of the major honchos who tun the show where my wife works, as well as some of the the 'regular folks' like us--even where I work, tell me what a "lucky,  guy" I am and how I darn well ought to realize it. I even had a third grade boy at her school say to me: "Mr, A.--you're a lucky, lucky man!"--(LOL--actually I think the kid has a crush on her). And did I ever come close to blowing it! I flew to Cebu to be with another woman and refused to catch a maybe 45 minute flight to nearby Davao to have lunch with her, after she asked me to.

 
She was willing to risk losing a very good job (working six 12 hour days a week is 'good' there, as you know) to take the day off and meet me for an hour or so. I can't imagine any woman going through that and not writing the guy off--I still can't believe it sometimes. SHE was 'the catch' and I wasn't fishing OR cutting bait. I was 'The old man and the sea' not even fully aware of what I had on my line.
 
I tell ya, fact is definitely stranger than fiction. I have had some good luck in life, and some hell too, but this takes the cake in the 'good dept'. Even if I somehow screwed this up, I'd be thankful for what I had, that my sons have finally seen how great a woman can be, how there doesn't have to be passive aggression, stress or bickering in a marriage and I for sure wouldn't expect to recreate it, if it all went south.

[Howard]

Robert,

If I have the recipe for success, you are definitely on the right track!

You have hit on some of the major points that differentiate us – those with solid, happy marriages – from the rest of the pack.

Humor is KEY!  I knew I found a gem when she got my jokes.  Then, to my pleasant surprise, she made her own jokes!  Gerlie has a wonderful sense of humor and I joke about pretty much everything.  It keeps the mood light and us on our toes.  Laughter is a very underrated factor in a successful relationship of any type, IMHO anyway.

If your wife is accepting your children from a previous marriage as her own you have found a real keeper!  I am often shocked and a little disappointed at the way some of my wife’s friends treat their stepchildren.  It’s not that they treat them badly, per se…  I just notice – rather Gerlie notices and brings it to my attention – that they are uncharacteristically critical of them.  And I am talking about WAY above average kids.  Their father has done a phenomenal job raising these kids.  They are polite, well behaved, intelligent, all around good kids.  If Howie turns out half as well I will consider myself a success as a parent   Yet, she seems “on them” about every little thing.  To me – and maybe I am naïve – kids are kids.  I dated women with children before I met Gerlie and always treated the kids as my own.  In most cases the kids adored me.  In fact, I found it harder to say goodbye to the kids than their mother when it was time to move on.  I do admit – as a wise friend of mine told before Howie was born – that I have never felt as deeply connected to anyone, except maybe his mother J, as I do to my son.  But, I truly believe in my heart that if Gerlie came with a child in tow that I will feel the same sense of responsibility to her child.  By marrying her, the child would become part of our family, biologically mine or not, any child in my home would be raised the same way, with discipline and love.  Call me crazy. but I really think some of these ladies are missing the boat here.  They have an opportunity to make a positive impact on a young life.  Some, not all, just don’t get it

I don’t worry about you at all, Robert.  Your posts show your passion to not only be a good husband and father, but to be a good person as well.  Keep the communication free flowing, remember to laugh and you will be just fine for many years to come J

Keep the Faith Brutha

H

[robert angel]

Howard,

I think we both agree, without saying it straight out, that after the laughter's gone, the marriage is too. I know you and Gerlie are two of a kind, laughing at each others humor--at life in general and at things others don't even notice.
 
When there's nothing to smile about, it's bad news. If you're not even really trying to look for a sunny side and that's been the case for quite a while, it's time to consider your options. After a while married, your 'love life' is going to slow down some, but as said, you have to keep communicating and keeping a sense of humor really helps. Without those things, it's all but over. That said, having kids in the mix makes doing that a million times harder----I mistakedly held onto a dead, cold marriage for years, thinking I was doing it 'for the kids'. At least my sons, who were tore up by the divorce and to this day, there are occasional reminders, can see that a marriage CAN work--two people working together and enjoying it.

I appreciate the vote of confidence Howard, but I occasionally have to 'reality check' myself. My wife's culture and what they take serious and what we typically take serious in the USA is very different. Where we don't take the  time and see humor, they tend to take the time and find things to enjoy and laugh about that usually don't even cost money.
 
Every culture is different and if we marry another person and think we're going to wipe out pretty much all the elements that make them different than us, we might as well try and put all the birds in the world in cages and take away their spirit. It might be a passion for dance, for following music and celebrities from their country--it is their language and most certainly their foods, that they bring with them. And more intrinsic, it's their mindset and how they actually think, sometimes quite different than how us N. Americans 'think'. So we need to get a feel for those differences (easier said than done) and accept, if not embrace them, BEFORE getting married.
 
You wanted a different, exotic wife? Don't try to change her into 'Betty Crocker'!
 
Right now, my wife's at a friend's house, eating what is to me, a smelly, Gawd awful, boney bunch of fish, while the heads cook in another pot for some kind of soup. As is 'her way' she asked me for permission (knowing 99.9% I'd say "Go ahead honey--enjoy")--so after we made made kissy face and talked the small talk about our day,  I said "Sure--sounds good--try to be home in couple hours tops, so we can watch a movie and be in bed by 10:30."
 
I really did NOT want to go, (I can smell that fish in my head!) although I could've. Turns out another Filipina, who we helped out when their daughter was sick, made us a truck load of old fashioned, southern style, slow smoked BBQ, and when the wife said "I feel bad, I'm not fixing dinner--just coming home from work and going"--I explained---"Oh--but we have that great BBQ--I'll be just fine".
 
I think a lot of N. Americans seem to count, measure, worry over and micromanage every last thing, whereas my wife is extremely generous to family and friends--even to a fault sometimes. Whether it's work or being kind to friends and family, she  gives everything 150%, as a matter of course. She just considers that 'normal' and undeserving of any recognition. But hey, I knew she was that way going in, so I can't get too bent out of shape about it.

 
She--actually 'we', have helped a lot of family 'back home' and even friends here--people who needed it. We were at some friends house recently, a couple who had a bit of bad luck a while back. To be honest, they're not financially responsible, have had a car repossessed and debt collectors on their tails and had difficulty finding decent jobs--he's Yankee--she's a Filipina.

 
Anyways after we left their house, I commented  to my wife "Honey--do you know, we sat on the sofa and love seat we gave them, sat at the table and ate on plates we gave them and most of the furniture in the other rooms was from our house--I sometimes wonder if we should have give them to "_____"--(my 20 y/o son), as he'll be moving to another place soon".

 
Without being harsh--not even raising her voice, she said. Oh well honey--it's not nice to 'count'--they needed it and we were able to help--that's nice and we will help "_____" to when he needs It too. "WE should be thankful"....I lost count of how many times she's told me 'not to count', so maybe we're getting somewhere! And hard as it is to admit, she's right--we're doing as well as we ever have, not really 'lacking' for anything. We have a modest little house, a 2006 and 1997 cars, but we don't have debt and we're healthy.  In a land where today, at least one out six Americans are deemed 'poor' by our own govt., those things aren't that common anymore.

 
Beyond the differences already built in, that differentiate 'man' from 'woman'--there are also culture differences--how we see things--really how we plain old 'think', that are very different. Surprisingly, it often works, but be ready at least 'meet in the middle' if you expect it to.
 
You ought to have a general idea of these differences and what you're getting into, before she gets off the plane!
 

[michaelb]

Right now, my wife's at a friend's house, eating what is to me, a smelly, Gawd awful, boney bunch of fish, while the heads cook in another pot for some kind of soup.

Rolly polly fish heads are never seen drinking cappuccino in Italian restaurants with Oriental women. Eat them up, YUM!

[thekfc]

RA, any shrimp sauce or fish sauce to go with that fish?