The More Things Change . . .

[Dan]

The following statements are excerpted from a recent publication (attribution below):

1. Dating websites may warp a person's outlook and expectations in ways that can actually lower the chances of building a successful relationship. [Admin note: This is the opening hypothesis in the publication - details to follow.]

2. Online dating . . . allows people access to potential partners they otherwise would not have. [Admin note: The same could be said for ANY specific dating activity - i.e. going to church if one does not normally attend church could ALSO create new dating opportunities - as would attendance at AA or anything else one does not normally do where there are potential dating partners present.]

3. One of the weaknesses of online dating is an over reliance on "profiles." Although most dating websites feature photos and detailed, searchable profiles covering everything from personality traits to likes and dislikes, this information isn't necessarily useful in identifying a partner.

4. Daters don't always know what they want in a mate -- even though they generally think they do. Studies suggest that people often lack insight into what attracts them to others (and why), and therefore the characteristics they seek out in an online profile may be very different from those that will create a connection in person. [Admin note: As HODA often says; "Folks looking for a partner overseas need to start with a check-up from the neck up before they take the first step."]

5. You can spend a zillion hours studying profile after profile and, at the end of that Herculean effort, how much closer are you to knowing if there's a romantic spark? [Admin note: This is a statement in the form of a rhetorical question.]

6. The abundance of profiles online also may make daters too picky and judgmental. The sheer number of options can be overwhelming, and the ease with which people can sift through profiles -- and click on to the next one -- may lead them to "objectify" potential partners and compare them like so many pairs of shoes - leading to . . .

7. Online dating creates a shopping mentality, and that is probably not a particularly good way to go about choosing a mate. The shopping mindset may be efficient online, but when carried into face-to-face interactions it can make daters overly critical and discourage "fluid, spontaneous interaction" in what is already a charged and potentially awkward situation. [Admin note: Do any of you remember some of the early feminist criticisms of agencies? Here is a link to a topic at RWD in which there was considerable discussion of a "shopping mentality" -- http://www.russianwomendiscussion.com/index.php?topic=5388.msg94585#msg94585]

8. Communicating via email or instant message before meeting in person doesn't always cure this problem. Some online communication is a good thing, but too much of it can skew expectations and ultimately sabotage a match. People tend to read too much into emails and other online conversations, which increases the potential for misunderstandings and disappointment.

9. Some services, such as eHarmony and PerfectMatch.com, claim to minimize the guesswork involved in online dating by using mathematical algorithms to match couples according to various traits -- including, in one case, the ratio of index- to ring-finger length (said to be a marker of testosterone levels). It is wise to be skeptical as research suggests it's extremely difficult to predict the likelihood that a relationship will succeed before two people meet.

10. Worse, these algorithm-based services may encourage a counterproductive "destiny" mindset that prizes initial compatibility over other factors that are important to the long-term health of a relationship, such as the social and economic support individuals offer each other, or their ability to cope with stressful life events.

11. Websites are a valuable resource for daters -- as long as a person doesn't put too much stock in the profiles or matchmaking claims. [Admin note: I distinctly recall there have been VERY contentious debates on the topic of "matchmaking" claims by the agencies and their qualifications to make such claims.]

12. Identify promising partners and move the conversation off-line as quickly as possible. [Admin note: While we never published this here at PL, reference is made to the RWD Ten Commandments which addresses these points clearly.]

13. Don't assume that more time spent browsing profiles is going to improve the odds of meeting someone who is really compatible. Instead of poring over more profiles and comparing height, weight, occupation, and interests, arrange for a personal meeting.

14. There's probably never going to be a substitute for getting two minutes from another person across a cup of coffee.

Source: Psychologists Highlight Pitfalls of Online Dating. Please note I took some liberties with edits and small wording changes in the above numbered statements for the sake of clarity. I made no substantive changes of any sort and the original is available for review at the provided link.

The points made in the article are the very same points being stressed at PL for nearly a decade now. Nothing new and the only 'differences' between the domestic online dating being researched is that it is more difficult for those of us interested in cross-cultural relationships to setup meetings and to navigate the legislative terrain (IMBRA and USCIS).

In the RWD Ten Commandments we published many years ago, the following quotation is Item #9 on the list and addresses both the direct parallel to domestic dating and the heightened costs when looking overseas:

Treat international dating the same as dating someone from your home country. The biggest difference is the cost (travel, phone. etc). This is an expensive process. Don't believe anyone that tells you otherwise.

Nothing has changed.

FWIW

- Dan

[Researcher]

      I think the key is being able to keep things in perspective. The internet, agencies,etc... are just tools for meeting people. That's it. A significant amount of how a person does comes down to the person. That's my 2 cents anyways....


           Researcher

[robert angel]

Keeping things in perspective is very important and I think a lot of guys don't. It's easy to lose objectivity and focus when you're already totally stoked before you've even met the woman in real life.
 
Then maybe you're spending thousands of dollars, hoping, if not already telling yourself "She's the one--I know it"--perhaps you can't see red flags, never mind subtle signs indicating that pursuing each other might not be so wise.
 
I've made the trips to see one woman where it didn't work out and I'm not wealthy. it was a bummer knowing I had spent a lot of time, money and emotion and it didn't pan out, but I can find some good in almost anything and I did have a good time each visit, so they weren't wasted trips.
 
I don't think you should go in with your hopes too high or your expectations too low and ready to settle. It takes balance, as well as strength to stick with your expectations. If you're desperate and thinking "This is my only shot", it may end up costing you a whole lot more than you expected in the long run.

[InnocentVixen]

This is a very interesting post, I agree with pretty much all of it. I honestly feel I mostly wasted those first few years on my search talking to men online for so long, I am no longer interested in getting to know them online and that seems to be working better for me even if I scare off some guys along the way, it just means they were not ready to meet. No regrets though, the wait actually helped me figure out what are the things that matter the most for me in a partner and it might have given me time to mature a little.

[V_Man]

Great advice!

I think that you can get to know someone online with video cameras to a certain extent. Enough to know if it is worth travelling to meet them. Just keep in mind that until you've meet face to face, all you have is potential between you. Nothing more.

Potential doesn't pay the bills.

Where so many guys seem to fail is before they even start. So many guys don't truly know themselves well enough and/or what is important to them in a partner. Even when they do, many of them fail to keep that in focus. Hence they have an expectation/reality mismatch before they've got anywhere. Worse, they don't realise their problem is within themselves. I think a lot of guys would be more sucessful if they were simply brutally honest with themselves before they go looking at thousands of photos of pretty women.

This is a very interesting post, I agree with pretty much all of it. I honestly feel I mostly wasted those first few years on my search talking to men online for so long, I am no longer interested in getting to know them online and that seems to be working better for me even if I scare off some guys along the way, it just means they were not ready to meet. No regrets though, the wait actually helped me figure out what are the things that matter the most for me in a partner and it might have given me time to mature a little.

A gem of a post!!!!! Take note guys.
Couldn't you just kiss IV sometimes? 

Above all, we must remember that this whole thing is fraught with risks. The biggest risk could be a failure to try.

Would you like someone to write the following on your headstone?
"He died not knowing."

That 'aint gonna be on my headstone.

I once posted on here that I seem to have done everything wrong according to convential wisdom. Whitely asked me, what exactly had I done wrong, since I'd actually bought myself a ticket and was on my way. 
He was right.

[Alabamaboy!]

"I think that you can get to know someone online with video cameras"

IMO, I found that the overuse of the video cameras was detrimental to the whole process because when you are seeing the beautiful (hopefully) woman on the other end, you may start to think more with the wrong head and give some slack where none was deserved.

When I started not using the cam very much, then I was able to concentrate on the big picture better.

But even then, it is all a crap shoot. You never know. Just like a relationship here in the States. But only a LD relationship involving international travel, visas, etc. can be very expensive and time consuming.

[JimD]

From the link in the original post:  http://edition.cnn.com/2012/02/06/health/online-dating-pitfalls/index.html?hpt=hp_c2 :
IgnaceJo                      1 comment         My brother says the only online profile feature he needs to see is bra-size.  (Guy's a pig, but hey, he's my bro). 

She could be a witch with her own coven, for all he cares.  Long as she's packin' double-DDs.     

• 2          Likes     

[Dan]

From the link in the original post:  http://edition.cnn.com/2012/02/06/health/online-dating-pitfalls/index.html?hpt=hp_c2 :
IgnaceJo                      1 comment         My brother says the only online profile feature he needs to see is bra-size.  (Guy's a pig, but hey, he's my bro). 

She could be a witch with her own coven, for all he cares.  Long as she's packin' double-DDs.     

• 2          Likes     

Aside from the hosed-up cut-and-paste, let's leave those comments exactly where they are. No need to drag them across here (posting by proxy has never been allowed) - unless, of course, those are YOUR comments - in which case it surely raises some question as to your sincerity of seeking a LTR.

- Dan

[InnocentVixen]

hugs and kisses (on the cheek of course) are more than welcome!


As a side note... did you guys know that most women around the world wear the wrong bra size? most women are in denial if they are smaller or bigger than the "perfect size" C cup, to complicate things more, in some brands the cup size is the number and not the letter so that means being a DD would mean having the back of a football player... not to mention that when it comes to clothes it depends also on the brand or where it was made, for example cheap chinese clothes will be smaller... that includes bra's.


Just meet them in person and figure out if you like what you see, nothing beats that! second best is make them stand up in front of the camera and turn, bonus points if you can make an excuse or cute joke out of it so she doesn't feel like a self conscious fool or think of you as a perv.