Love and Communication

[AsphaltVoyager]

As we seek the One True Love of our lives, there are some important things that need to be defined between our prospective mates and ourselves. At first glance, it may seem to many that the need to define them is unnecessary, that they should define themselves through our common life experiences. However, it is a mistake to make such an assumption, especially when dealing with someone from another country, but even when it's in your own back yard.

The first thing that you need to communicate to each other is what your concept of love is. Yes, seems odd to have to define it, but if you can't define it in the same terms as your Intended, then you don't have a relationship based in truth. What you may find from this exercise is that you have different ideas of what true love entails. For my part, if love is not 100%, then it is not love. By 100%, I mean that you love totally, with every fiber of your being, willing to give everything to the relationship and, in some cases, be willing to sacrifice some things from your life in order to have that love that you seek. If there is ANYTHING in your life that is more important than the relationship, then you haven't given it 100%.

The next thing you need to clarify is your expectations from the relationship, and it should be done very early on, just as soon as you both know that you want to pursue this relationship and see where it can lead. If your expectations do not match, and you have both been totally honest about what you can and cannot acccept as compromise, then your relationship doesn't have a good chance of succeeding as a lifetime match. It should be stated here, that expectations and desires may change over the course of your lives together, but going in, your expectations, in general, must match. These expectations can be further defined as short and long term, but in any case, you must take the time to give serious discussion to them and be prepared to discuss them again at intervals throughout your life. To be honest, the first communication as far as expectations you should have is not with each other, but with yourselves. If you don't know what you are wanting from life, then you can't effectively communicate it to someone else. This is something like "If you fail to plan, then you've planned to fail." Know what your life's goals are, and not simply in nebulous terms. Know how you want to get there and then begin doing the things that will allow you to accomplish those goals. Once you meet The One, tell that person how you see them fitting in with your goals. If they are on the same page with you, have the same goals, and are willing to work WITH YOU to achieve them, you're on good footing to have a lifelong successful marriage.

Notice that I used upper case for both WITH and YOU in that last sentence. The first is important because both of you must work toward your life goals and be willing to do whatever necessary to achieve them. One person cannot do it alone and if either of you feel like you're toting the load alone, your marriage will be a bust. The second, YOU, means that the one you want to share your life with must also want it to be YOU that he or she shares their life with. It cannot simply be "These are the goals I want to accomplish and I can plug anyone into the equation to reach the goals." IF that is the case, then you are unnecessary to the person you want to have that lifelong relationship with and need to move on and find someone who does not want to have to live their lives each day without YOU in it. By that, I am not talking about some drama queen who wants to kill themselves if you don't stay with them. What I mean is someone who sees their lives without you as being far less happy and as though they are without a soulmate.

Handing out sage words of wisdom is not that difficult. Living by your own words and advice to others is harder. Sometimes we can see the path we should be taking and yet we do not, even when it's for our own good. That is because, at heart, we are mostly diehard romantics who believe in the power of love to change things. Unfortunately, many times, that belief is poorly founded. When that happens, the key to survival is recognizing when to stop the pain, regardless of how much additional pain may be heaped into your life by moving on. This is probably why there are many people in the world who have given up on finding love. Think about the happiest moments in your life, however, and the greatest majority of times, they were when you were in love with someone.

I am a true believer that there truly is someone out there for everyone. It may take you a lifetime to find them, but.... isn't worth it to seek and find that One?

"Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."

[AsphaltVoyager]

wow, all those views but no comments. Huh!

[Jeff S]

Looks good to me! I think a lot of it is mostly for AW and very modern foreign girls though. Most traditional Asian women, for instance, know much better than men whet love is all about, and they their basic job is to figure out what it takes to make you happy and then do that. So this doesn't sound too sexist, likewise, your job is to find out what makes her happy and do that too.

While I agree that there's at least someone for everyone, I don't necessarily buy that you have to scour the world for the only one person you're compatible with. I think there are many who would meet the criteria. The trick is finding one of those who's criteria you meet too and both of you getting to work making it happen.

[Ray]

The first thing that you need to communicate to each other is what your concept of love is. Yes, seems odd to have to define it, but if you can't define it in the same terms as your Intended, then you don't have a relationship based in truth. What you may find from this exercise is that you have different ideas of what true love entails. For my part, if love is not 100%, then it is not love. By 100%, I mean that you love totally, with every fiber of your being, willing to give everything to the relationship and, in some cases, be willing to sacrifice some things from your life in order to have that love that you seek. If there is ANYTHING in your life that is more important than the relationship, then you haven't given it 100%.

I don’t think being able to articulate your concept of the meaning of love is all that important. I think how you ACT in relation to each other is MUCH more important than being able to put your feelings into words.

Also, if you are expecting 100% undying love from someone you have never met in person, or have only spent a few weeks or months with, then you are probably going to be greatly disappointed.

I would say that in most every relationship, that 100% commitment based on love alone which you speak of, is something that only comes with time, sometimes after many years of marriage.

When selecting a prospective mate in this game, I wouldn’t try to overanalyze this stuff too much. Find a woman who is as close as possible to 100% committed to making the relationship work, not necessarily 100% willing to die for you, and you have a good solid foundation to build a good marriage upon.

And I fully agree with Jeff that there are probably millions of women on this planet who would make a wonderful wife and life partner for you. I personally think all this “soul mate” stuff, as in THE ONE, is a bunch of bunk…

Ray

[jm21-2]

I was talking with my GF about the idea of "the one" once in relation to a friend of hers I think. We did some calculations about how many people in the world you actually come into contact with, and thus your odds of even being in the proximity of "the one". The odds are not in your favor to say the least....a tiny fraction of a percent that you'd even come close to each other in your lifetime.

[Jeff S]

Yeah but.... jm... It's DESTINY !

[InnocentVixen]

Wow that was an interesting read, very good advice, but as usual I have to agree with Jeff, this advice is for more modern men/women, unless you count a happy marriage as a life goal.

whet love is all about, and they their basic job is to figure out what it takes to make you happy and then do that. So this doesn't sound too sexist, likewise, your job is to find out what makes her happy and do that too.

I am very old fashioned and the way I think is on the "nebulous terms" side, just enough so my plans will be flexible to fit with the right person, this does not mean I have no goals or that I want to live his life, it is that I want to make sharing our lives easier, there for, compatible long term plans are a must, for me this is a stable loving marriage, after a few years of that a baby and after some years of that to balance family life with a small business of my own.

The trick is finding one of those who's criteria you meet too and both of you getting to work making it happen.

So true and I think sometimes is not only work to make it happen, but how you work to make it happen

[whitey]

I read a statistic once that most married people lived very closely to each other when they originally met.  Which of course makes sense, since most of the time people end up marrying someone living in the same city.

I don't believe in "the one" either ... there are millions of compatible mates out there ... the trouble is finding them, because they are scattered all over the world!

[michaelb]

there are millions of compatible mates out there ... the trouble is finding them, because they are scattered all over the world!

Joyce Harwood (Veronica Lake): Well, don't you even say 'Good night'?
Johnny Morrison (Alan Ladd): It's good-bye, and it's tough to say good-bye.
Joyce Harwood: Why is it? You've never seen me before tonight.
Johnny Morrison: Every guy's seen you before somewhere. The trick is to find you.

[robert angel]

Love and communication is so complicated that there are no absolutes and even if there were absolutes,  people themselves, as well as the rules they live by, change.

My wife put forth only one rule when we married: "Keep God in the middle". That might seem simple--just five words, 18 letters and 4 spaces, but it can be interpreted in very wide or narrow ways.

Can I be as Johnny Cash sang in "I walk the Line"? What's literal and what's figurative?

If marriage is an institution, I must really be crazy, because I've been married twice now....

Some might disagree, but I think the modern era that we live in makes temptations greater and the overall situation more complicated than ever before. Fewer people truly believe the old maxim 'Til death do us part" and even if they do believe in that level of commitment when they exchange vows, they often change their mind later on.

[AsphaltVoyager]

Fewer people truly believe the old maxim 'Til death do us part" and even if they do believe in that level of commitment when they exchange vows, they often change their mind later on.

If that is the case, then they probably didn't spend enough time getting to really know the person they're saying "I do" to AND once they were in the relationship didn't communicate enough honest, open information to prevent the eventual divorce.

My wife put forth only one rule when we married: "Keep God in the middle". That might seem simple--just five words, 18 letters and 4 spaces, but it can be interpreted in very wide or narrow ways.

{I know there are going to be some who are offended by references to spiritual beliefs, but I really don't give a rat's butt. Everyone is entitled to their own beliefs and if it offends YOU for someone else to speak about their beliefs, don't expect to have them listen when you speak of the lack of your own.}

I know exactly what your girl meant, Robert, although I would have said it a bit differently. When a marriage is headed by God, the man is following, to the very best of his abilities, the principles set forth in the Bible, not talking the talk, but actually walking the walk. As a result, a woman who is a true believer is going to follow her husband always and be quite happy.

I would say, Robert, that you made a tremendously good choice in who you picked for your wife this time. Forgive yourself for the past mistake.