why a cross-national relationship/marriage?

[Jeff S]

Marriage isn't about fair. It's about teamwork. If what you want is the household chores done and not do any cleaning, maids are cheaper than wives.

[jm21-2]

Teachers don't work more than 7 hours a day typically (at least here). Maybe at a private institution? They get long breaks (winter, spring, summer...but very limited vacation leave during the school year) and rarely work more than 6 or 7 hours a day. If they're doing something time-consuming like grading papers or writing up IEPs, they might work some 8-9 hour days for a few days or even a week or two. Here in the NW, it's a middle-class job...makes a pretty good amount above the average in the small towns or rural areas. In comparison to a government hack that you as a lawyer could relate to, a prosecutor here typically makes about 50% more than a teacher, are expected to work at least 50 hours a week with no over-time, obviously have to go through law school and pass the bar, have to be decent trial attorneys (above-average), etc. I have a pretty good idea of what both jobs entail and teachers have it easy I'd say. I've heard in some states they're paid very little, but not here. EDIT: prosecutors are the highest paid government hacks here, besides judges and county counsel, and a few city attorneys, and maybe one or two county directors.

None of those...if my wife stays at home and actually does the brunt of the house-work and takes care of the kids, she's contributing equally, imho. If she makes far less (let's say 20% of my income) and wants to split household chores 50/50, then I expect to have a larger say in big ticket items such as houses, cars, vacations, etc. For example, say we're buying her a new car, and she says "we can easily afford to buy me a new benz," I might say something to the effect of "i make more of the money, and i think we really need to invest money in some stocks to secure our retirement, so we should look at a more modest car."

[william3rd]

believe me-trial attorneys do not have to be exceptional. . . . and usually aren't since the money is in private practice.

Thank you for the expansion on your previous posts. . . . . .

[jm21-2]

I'd appreciate any comments after my elaboration...I tend to be a very rigid/linear/black&white thinker, but I'm actually a pretty flexible and giving person when it comes to relationships of any sort. I take marriage as a life-long commitment too. I guess I'm a bit paranoid about getting into a relationship that's uneven/unfair in terms of contribution, and I get stuck in it because I like being giving (just want some reciprocation), and don't really believe in divorce. EDIT: I've met quite a few older guys who are in relationships that are lackluster at best, but not bad enough to over-ride their aversion to divorce, so they just keep trudging on...seems pretty crappy. I'm sure there are plenty of women in the same situation.

[utopiacowboy]

Teachers work their asses off. During the school year they are pretty much working all the time not just the seven hours of class time. They spend their weekends preparing lesson plans for the next week and grading homework. I wouldn't trade places with any teacher except a football coach who's showing movies all the time in the civics class he "teaches".

[bp]

I'm not going to marry a girl who works less hours and makes less money, but wants to split up household finances and chores 50/50.

Opinions specifically of teachers aside, what it seems jm is illustrating here is the idea of one member of a couple consistently contributing less to the overall household. Therefore...

Marriage isn't about fair. It's about teamwork.

Do you, or do you not, think that jm's comment implies that this hypothetical woman is somewhat lacking the "teamwork" mentality?

[JamesDonut]

Jim, it seems that you and your parents view things very differently. (Big surprise huh?)  No matter how much you argue with them, you are not going to change each others minds.  What's most important here is to use your time to make sure you find someone who is compatible with what YOU believe.  In the long run it really doesn't matter what your parents think or what makes them happy.  It comes down to what goals you have in life and what makes YOU and your future partner happy. 
 
Also spending your time finding someone who will be willing to be a team player, like Jeff said, is very important.  Being a team player means that you are willing to put your ego aside (especially at critical times) and do what needs to be done for the greater good of the marriage.  Getting caught up in a percentage game (on either side) can distract you from what really needs to be done and is not true teamwork.  For example if you want a marriage arrangement where you are the breadwinner as the male and your wife does most of the housework, that's fine.  But what happens on those days when your wife is sick and can't do a lot of the housework....Are you willing to pitch in?  IMO it's not the percentage each partner contributes to different aspects of the marriage.  It's sharing the responsibilities of marriage in a way that makes sense and works best for both partners.

Just one more related point:

Mom: Everyone who works, no matter what they earn or what job they do, comes home tired. It's fair to split the chores 50/50.

Me: if my wife makes far less than me and wants to control 50% of our joint income, i'd laugh in her face

IMO both the above statements are very similar in the fact they both reflect unreasonable expectations.  You need to be real careful about what you see as uneven/unfair.  Because in a good working relationship some things simply won't be even/fair.

Mom: oh, a mail-order bride? (slight tinge of disgust and disbelief)
Me: there's no such thing, you have to meet them in person and they get interviewed by a consular officer to make sure there's a real relationship there.

This is a point that needs to be driven home.  It's very important that you are sure about who you are going to marry.  No consular office has the time nor intimate knowledge necessary to make such a judgment.  Their job is to compile sufficient evidence to determine that a couple is not marrying solely for immigration purposes.  In short they are not a marriage counselor.     

[jm21-2]

I just meant the percentages in a very general way.

Like for example, all other factors being equal, if you're dating:
Couple A splits the date 50/50 every time (not sure I've ever heard of a couple like this, but hypothetically...)
Couple B switches off paying for dates
Couple C, the girl spends a lot of time dolling herself up for the date, and the guy pays for the date.

I would say all of those are 50/50, healthy, whatever. Now what I think would be unhealthy would be, for example:

Couple A, dinner is split 50/50 on a date, but the guy pays for everything else (drinks, entertainment, parking, whatever)
Couple B, they switch off paying dates, but the girl keeps "forgetting" whose turn it is when it's her turn to pay, and insists that it's the guy's turn. Or, despite equal earning power, one person consistently takes the other out to cheaper dates (EDIT: I mean really being cheap, not just like one person is a lavish spender and the other is frugal).
Couple C, the guy spends a lot of time getting ready too, but the girl still insists he pay it all. Or the girl doesn't spend any time getting ready, but thinks the guy should pay because it's "romantic."

Obviously dating is far more complicated than that, and marriage is far more complicated than dating, but hopefully that helps explain what I was thinking.

I think with a good partner, you wouldn't have to worry about it, because you'd trust her. You'd just be worried about making her happy, knowing she's doing the same for you. I would think it would be a very bad sign if you felt you had to watch over the person to make sure they were contributing the minimum.

[Jeff S]

I think with a good partner, you wouldn't have to worry about it, because you'd trust her. You'd just be worried about making her happy, knowing she's doing the same for you. I would think it would be a very bad sign if you felt you had to watch over the person to make sure they were contributing the minimum.

Exactly. Don't keep track unless you plan on being kept track of.

[catz]

Do you, or do you not, think that jm's comment implies that this hypothetical woman is somewhat lacking the "teamwork" mentality?

If you find the right woman then there is nothing lacking in any aspect of the relationship.

[Researcher]

     When I was looking, I always just asked the women what they thought a wife did and what a husband did just to get an idea of thier expectations.I also asked what they wanted for thier future so I could understand what goals they had and if they were the same things I wanted. Having common goals can create great teamwork.

[Jeff S]

I think something some of you haven't factored in, is that we're dealing with women and relationships here, not Mr. Spock, guided solely by logic in handling impersonal problems. No matter where they're born, they're still women and are guided by far more emotion than you are. Keep them feeling special and attracted to you and there's little they won't do for you. Lose the romance, treat them poorly, or take advantage of the situation, and you'll have an entirely different result. It's as much about what you do after you find her, as it is lucking out and finding one with all the goods you're looking for in the first place.

[Researcher]

It's as much about what you do after you find her, as it is lucking out and finding one with all the goods you're looking for in the first place.

I agree, I just always figured that this was obvious......