Some reasons why a fiancée or wife soon leaves, or up-trades, ha ha

[mudd]

After my friends mess, see post below under( another one abandons fiancée) Here are a few reasons I came up with, why a girl wants to go home, or gets rid of the husband soon after marriage, and what the husband or fiancée might see after a few months.

1 culture shock, life is very different than home, people are different.

2 Financial shock, “what do you mean, there are poor people in the US?”

(I actually asked a girl I know in Colombia, if she thought the US had poor people also, she said no. then I explained to her, not everybody in the US is rich.  She couldn’t believe it. To them, everybody here is well off. )

3 Fiancée or husband shock.  “I though you had a good job??? “  I thought you lived in a normal neighborhood,”   â€œapartment, where is your house?”  “Why do you drink so much?”  “I am not your slave!!!!, why are you such a slob?”  “Why is your family so weird and cold?”  “How come you don’t have any friends, or only a few?”  “All you do after work is watch TV” “you’re getting fat!!!”  “I have to get a job and work? if I wanted to work, I would have stayed in Colombia”

4 Fiancée or wife shock, “are you going to go to ESL (English as a second language) class today, or just watch TV all day long?”  What the hell is this $ 300 phone bill to Colombia, who are you calling so much?”   â€œWhy do you sleep till 11:00am every day?”
“Why does your family need $ 600, didn’t we just give them $ 200 last month?”
“What do you mean, you need a new car, you just got your drivers license”
“Who is Juan Carlos, and why does he keep calling the house?”
“Why are you always on the internet?”


Just a few reasons, I am sure you guys can add to the list

[william3rd]

Its much simpler than that- she wasn't in love in the first place and figgered that the grass would be greener abroad. You don't see too many of them go back home after all of the "shock."

[sean126]

Mudd,

you got my vote for an original post...at least an original one in "a while".

To add to your list on why she trades up,

Friend shock..........She asks..."when is your friend coming back over?"

[utopiacowboy]

I read the post and the entire thing is completely alien to me especially the last part about the idleness, the spending, etc. of the new bride. Who are these guys choosing to marry? My wife works hard and watches every penny she spends, she rarely watches television, she hasn't been back to Colombia since she got here 4 years ago, she doesn't send any money to her family, and she only occasionally talks to them on the phone. Her priorities in life are always me and the children, hers and mine. Is she that unusual? I like to think that she's not but maybe I'm wrong.

[Jeff S]

No, utopia, you didn't marry a weird one. Just one who was in love with you and wanted to make it work - just like I did. Guys looking for trophy wives find women looking for trophy gringos and they both find what they're looking for, then decide later that's not what they really wanted in the first place.

As Stephen from the Asian board told me once (he's a lawyer who sometimes does divorces): "Mother Theresa and Al Capone just don't get married."

[Ray]

OK, OK! Enough of this already!

I think just about everyone here agrees that most of these young ladies we bring here usually have a very distorted view of what life in their new home is really going to be like. But who’s fault is that?

Is it Hollywood’s fault that they are getting a distorted view of America from the movies? If you expect her to get a clear view of American culture from watching movies, then it’s YOUR fault!

If she only finds out about all of your character flaws after she moves in with you, then it’s YOUR fault!

If she has no clue what things cost here in America then it’s YOUR fault!

If she thinks you live in a nice house instead of that tiny little studio apartment of yours, then it’s YOUR fault!

If she thinks that you live in a nice peaceful neighborhood instead of that crime-ridden slum you are in, then it’s YOUR fault!

If she thinks you have a high paying job with virtually unlimited funds instead of that Wal-Mart Greeter job of yours, then it’s YOUR fault!

Come on guys! Isn’t it OUR responsibility to insure that our foreign wives or fiancées have a good idea of what they are in for when they come here to join us in their new lives? Of course it is!

If you just use your imagination a little it really isn’t that hard to figure out.

If you go out of your way to hide all of your character flaws from your new partner then don’t be surprised when she packs her bags after a few months and heads home. When you are courting that young lady, of course you want to sell your good points, but don’t forget to let her see your major flaws also. Isn’t it better to scare her away BEFORE you invest thousands of dollars and years of your time bringing her here? Be honest with yourself and your lady and let her see the real you so she can make an informed decision before she commits to a lifetime with you. If your farts are loud, smelly, and frequent, then let a few good ones rip BEFORE she says “I do” so she knows what to expect for the rest of her life. 

Before you bring that young lady here to stay, discuss your personal finances in confidence with her so she can see what your income is in relation to your living expenses. And if you try to impress her with your big spending when you are courting her, don’t be so shocked when she expects the same routine here.

How can you help prepare your foreign bride for life in America and lessen the culture shock? Again, use your imagination! While my wife was waiting for her visa to be processed, I sent her some local newspapers from my home town. I found out that the San Diego Sunday papers were a giant hit with her and her family. Apparently, they held on to those newspapers to read over and over again for months. One Sunday paper from your hometown can give her a pretty accurate picture of life here that she won’t get from the movies. She’ll be able to read about the local crime, see what jobs are available and the qualifications, see what a pair of jeans costs at both Macy’s and K-Mart, what she’ll pay for a pound of tomatoes, who the local sports teams are, how corrupt our politicians are, etc., etc., etc…

Turn on your VCR and tape some local news shows to send to her. Send her a copy of “Culture Shock! America” to read in her spare time. Send her lot’s of photos or videos of your home and your neighborhood. Let her see it all, the good, the bad, and the ugly, so it will be less of a shock when she gets here.

And PLEASE, don’t take off for work and leave her at home alone when she first arrives! Arrange to have AT LEAST 2 weeks off when she arrives so you can be there with her around the clock during the initial shock of being in a strange home and a strange land. If it comes down to a choice between using that 2 weeks of vacation time to go down for her visa interview or having the time to spend with her when she arrives, I would personally choose the latter. And when you do go back to work, try to have a family member or trusted female friend available to help her out during the day if needed.

Try to rig your TV so it doesn’t get The View with Rosy O’Donnel, or those other feminist propaganda shows that are on during the day.

Make sure that her customary and favorite foods are available when she gets here. If she eats rice 3 times a day at home, don’t feed her nothing but french fries and burritos. If she is Asian and eats lot’s of fish, try to find a fish market where you can buy fish with heads and eyeballs still attached. Believe me, it will comfort her to see that fish looking back at her from her plate.

And when you get that first phone bill after she arrives and you see long distance charges of $300 or $1,000, don’t get pissed and yell at her because it’s YOUR fault for not explaining things in advance. Don’t let her pick up your phone and dial home unless you want a coronary at the end of the month. Buy her some pre-paid phone cards so she can budget her overseas phone time appropriately. And make room in your budget for lots of calls home during the first few months.

Once again, use your imagination and take the responsibility so this “culture shock” thing won’t have to be such a big deal. It really isn’t that difficult guys.

Ray

[Kiltboy1]

My Take

Many of the Latinas I have met in the past lead very sheltered lives and are not exposed to much in the way of "REAL LIFE RESPONSABILITIES"  . There Mothers have done everything for them from cook, clean and lecture them. They are taught in general that the man is there for $$ reasons and if you love him, better for you, but they are there to provide a decent home to let you "SPOIL" uh, i mean raise her children. This of course is a very general observation, but the thing that most Latinas lack is Maturity that only comes with being exposed to the world that we are exposed to and the experiences. Once here, they tend to bail out on the relationship if expected to actually be responsable for things, actions, etc, . That is why there is a very very high percentage of failure amongst theses types of marriages, my first marriage as well. We as the Gringo as well are somewhat blinded as well and have unrealistic expectations of what they should be like in the home too. At any rate, the best word to describe  many of the ones that tend to bail is "COMPLICATED". Again, this is only an observation and there are many guys out there that have very good marriages.

KB

[Dennis]

Ray, that is a great post.  You mentioned several of the mistakes I made in my first relationship with a Latin Woman that I have been very careful not to make in my current relationship.  I have tried to scare this one off several times but nothing seems to bother her and she has seen me at my worst.

[sean126]

I think we all ultimately have to agree that the real problems started to mount up immediately after Sanjaya was wrongfully voted off of American Idol.  I fear the world, as we know it, will never be the same.      First "The New Kids on the Block" break up and now this!!!!!  OH the Humanity!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[mudd]

Hey Ray,
I like the newspaper thing, very good idea!!!!!!  The union tribune here in San Diego is pretty good, more so the Sunday addition with all the advertisements.

[daytrader]

Great post Ray....additionally I made arrangements for  my latina to fly home multiple times a year to lessen the culture shock and homesickness (she was close to her Mom).  She and I were dating and she had a US Visa (I ended up not marrying her) - that was back several years ago. 

Also, before she came stateside --  money, tv, shopping, phone, alone time were all thoroughly discussed before I bought her airline ticket to stay stateside.  She had a tough time learning American foootball though!  She was a great gal (and bilingual!) but not the one for a lifetime for me. 

DayTrader

[jediknight]

great advice ray, especially the newspaper idea, very creative.
JK

[JimmySTLOUIS]

"sleeps to 11:00 A.M"

you guys have wives that get up that early?

TE AMO PERU!!!!

jim

[EbonyPrince]

5. How she didn't really love him, at least in the manner that mattered.

6. He didn't have the time or patience to find out if she really loves him or he her.

Brings to mind about a conversation I had with a Colombian woman, who asked me if AM do the same things for AW that they do for their new novias...

She had a tough time learning American foootball though!

This however is a requirement.  She doesn't have to enjoy it, but she should at least attempt to join in my enjoyment along with me.  Women that love football move to the head of the line in my book .

[lapentier]

Not all men spend all weekend watching football.  I teach at a high school, and I don't know if I've ever come to a complete appreciation of the "American Football" thing...  But, I do like watching the kids I know play the sport.

[utopiacowboy]

She doesn't have to enjoy it, but she should at least attempt to join in my enjoyment along with me.  Women that love football move to the head of the line in my book .

My wife dutifully goes to all the high school football games to watch her two sons (and my two sons) play football. She still doesn't like the game (demasiado brusco!) but she attends every game. Sometimes she averts her head so she can't see what's going on. Which is how she missed her son carrying the ball in for a touchdown last year.

[Ray]

Not all men spend all weekend watching football.

Well, maybe not ALL men...

   

 

[Patrick]

If your farts are loud, smelly, and frequent, then let a few good ones rip BEFORE she says “I do” so she knows what to expect for the rest of her life. 

My wife and I spent four days together in Cartagena before becoming engaged and we both ripped some pretty impressive ones during that time.  I think that's why we're still together 10 years later.  I recommend opening a window during the flatulence demo.

By the way-  Our daughter ripped one of the most impressive farts I've ever heard come out of a four year old a couple of days ago.  We we're up at Lake Tahoe riding in a car with my sister and I heard a loud sustained roar of a fart.  I immediately accused my wife, but then noticed the smile on our daughter's face in back seat.  It was a mighty proud moment.

[catz]

I immediately accused my wife, but then noticed the smile on our daughter's face in back seat.  It was a mighty proud moment.

It's those little things that make life so worth living! Too bad you didn't get pictures. It would make a great "scratch-n-sniff" scrapbook page...

[Ray]

Our daughter ripped one of the most impressive farts I've ever heard come out of a four year old... It was a mighty proud moment.

Congratulations Patrick!

A family that farts together stays together... 

[Nicks]

I ahve a diffrent view, since i was the one moving to HER country. We met in the US since we both went to university there, here is the list of things she told me about life in Panama, that wasnt exactly right, she didnt tell me as a lie, its just the way she sáw things at the time.

1...you cant take the bus! Since she is high middle class, bus what out of the question.

2..panamanian girls, dont have sex on the first date. Her and her friends didnt, all the other do i guess.

3..my parents have a villa at the beach. It was a small house, about 1 mile from the beach.

These are just example of some things she said before we moved, i have learned along time since that panama was nothing compaired to what she said. It was better! Its just the way she saw her country.

nicks

[pan de bono]

thats true alot of these Colombianas had their mothers doing the cleaning and cooking, etc, many have no choice how to cook a meal. also some of these girls live in homes with maids. when they come to the states and have to grocery shop and prepare meals and othere house duties they are lost.
About 4 years ago a policeman buddy of mine invited me over to his place for dinner. he had just married a Colombiana about 62 weeks before.
man she could cook for [snip], she didnt know how to load and turn on a dishwasher, and  at her first opportunity she headed for the couch and stretched out to watch tv. he looked at me and i looked at him  and he shrugged his shoulders in disbelief.